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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

DH has decided he is unhappy with his job - so is looking for new one in UK!!!!

45 replies

Portofino · 07/06/2012 23:54

Background: 6 years ago we worked for the same company and both faced redundancy. He got offered a promotion for moving abroad. I sold MY house and lost MY redundancy payment of a huge amount as we considered it better for the family (dd was 2) to take the chance.

He negotiated extra wages in the relocation which meant the support package went out the window. I had to sort creche/school for dd. The language lessons and job help for me also vanished. I sorted my own job and enrolled dd in school. I found it bloody hard for the first 2 years working ft with a small child with dh travelling much.

I went through about 3 years of having a hard time with work with DH being vaguely sympathetic - but I found friends so had a bit of support network - and that grew and grew. So now, 6 years in, I am totally settled. Dd is doing well at school. I have friends and work is good.

And now dh has had a few month's where HE has found it hard going (as opposed to about 4 years for me) and is now looking for jobs in the UK. He never even asked what I thought. My LIFE is here now. I can imagine moving back - but not just to fit in with a new job.......what about my fecking job, what about schools and childcare and all the other stuff he seems to be not thinking about.....

OP posts:

amillionyears · 08/06/2012 21:36

ok,sorry if I am misreading.Good luck to all 3 of you for the future.

LittleFrieda · 08/06/2012 21:42

Portofino - I got divorced some years back. I lost all respect when I realised it was never going to be my turn.

Would he support you if he was the trailing spouse?

(PS I was an expat wife and mother.)

Original poster

Portofino · 08/06/2012 21:47

Aw no - I do appreciate your input amillion. And this might sound a bit out of turn but i have noticed you seem to visit FWR but disagree a lot. Can I advise listening to what people are saying just a little bit harder......

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 08/06/2012 21:54

at 'is he depressed' line of thinking. he couldn't possibly just be being a nob poor diddums, he must be depressed and you should be a good little wife and try to understand him better and decide where in the uk you want to live. same old, same old.

it really does sound like works treats him like he's a bit special and it's gone to his head and he forgets you and dd are not his employees. it also sounds like this isn't isolated and you've been struggling to reconcile yourself to who he has become or turned out to be for a while.

if you love your job and your life there and your dd is happy and this is the level of respect and concern he shows for either of you i would say you're better off staying where you are and let him decide if he wants to move or stay with you both (if you still actually want to be married to him that is).

it's not like some huge thing has happened that necessitates you all uprooting and moving again because there is no other choice - this is his whim equals reality which means there'd quite likely be another whim in a few years time and even if there wasn't you'd be left with a man who thinks you and dd are chattel without lives, needs and priorities of your own.

i know i sound harsh in contrast to the is the poor diddums depressed contingent but really given he is not thinking of the family at all then you have to put you and dd first imo. these are your real actual lives - you are not pawns on his chessboard.

amillionyears · 08/06/2012 21:57

ok,I will repeat what others have said so then there isnt a problem.
He sounds a bit 1950s
He is behaving like a proper xxxx
He is behaving quite twattishly all round.

Original poster

Portofino · 08/06/2012 21:58

Little - I am trying hard to imagine the scenario

But nothing would happen if I didn't push it. I went for a job this year (and nearly got it) that would have involved me going to US for 2 weeks a couple of times a year. He WAS supportive of that - but I still think it would have been me that had to organise all the stuff around that.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/06/2012 21:59

Do you think he's about to get fired and that's why he's so insistent on looking for another job?

swallowedAfly · 08/06/2012 22:05

you know him porto - you know if there's a big issue or if he is just bored and assumes the whole world will fall into accommodate his whim.

which do you reckon it is?

Original poster

Portofino · 08/06/2012 22:06

SAF - I agree, I think.

MrsCB - no there is nothing to indicate that. In fact he mentioned today that he was due to get a new phone, and has ordered an iPhone. He is just stressed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Portofino · 08/06/2012 22:09

SAF - I assume that he thinks the whole world will accommodate stuff.

OP posts:

Enragia · 08/06/2012 22:11

and you are sure he isnt having an affair and that has been found out at work - would explian snazzy car and phone

swallowedAfly · 08/06/2012 22:14

do you think he actually has changed or do you think you're just seeing him in a new light? sounds like your struggle there to settle in and make friends and sort your career out would have made you grow a lot and become stronger and clearer so i'm wondering whether it's your perspective on his behaviour/attitude that has changed rather than him having changed itms.

Thatisnotitatall · 08/06/2012 22:18

How infuriating is that? Has he seriously considered looking for another job where you live now? Will he discuss that if you raise it? I only do a tiny amount of paid work atm but I would never consent to uprooting the kids (or the hassle of a move tbh) unless we were as certain as it is reasonably possible to be that it would be for an improved quality of life for ALL the family... My DH seems to feel compelled to change jobs every 2 years or so, and we do take some fall out due to sometimes ridiculous commutes meaning he barely sees the kids in the week, but we aren't moving unless I think there is a real benefit to it ;)

He is being hugely unreasonable and selfish, I hope you can find a way to communicate and help him see that he needs to discuss this properly with you, and the fact he is only 1/3 of the family, and of equal and not superior importance to you and DD, finally hits home!

amillionyears · 08/06/2012 22:41

I am annoyed at your post of 21.47pm.
It was uncalled for.
It is up to you whether you want it to stay like it is.

[the fwr thing,anybody is "allowed" to disagree anywhere on MN] say MN.

Original poster

Portofino · 09/06/2012 08:40

Amillion - sorry yes that was uncalled for.

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PeaTarty · 09/06/2012 08:54

My dad has said 'you go where .(his) job is. And my grandparents. I uprooted when 7 months pregnant and hated it. As a family it meant my husband got an ok job rather than minimum wage and was probably the best thing to do but I hated the lack of support from family. There does seem to be an assumption amongst some people that this is the case. He probably doesn't see anything wrong with it - doesn't make it right though. At all.

tribpot · 09/06/2012 09:48

PeaTarty - yes, and in my family we go where my job is too. We have no choice in that I'm the breadwinner. However, we still decide as a family on what the basic criteria for where we go are; in real hard times this will be anywhere at all where I can get work. But in less hard times (and Portofino's DH's times don't seem overly hard to me) a host of other factors will (and did) dictate the choices that we make - and fortunately (sort of) for me, my DH doesn't have a job like Portofino does, so I don't have to factor his career into the family's decision.

I think in reality the assumption is: women go where the man's work is. (I'm not saying that was the view of PeaTarty). Portofino's DH also seems to have a case of severe 'Up-His-Arse-ish-ness' caused by having been promoted a few times off the back of accepting the international transfer that would not have been possible without Portofino's sacrifice and support, and at considerable cost and hardship.

Don't get me wrong - one of my brothers lives in China with his family (although my SIL also has a senior job within the same firm) and they will have to move when he transfers to a different part of the organisation. But he's already negotiated out one change of location (to Korea) on the grounds it wasn't reasonable to move his family / my SIL to have to find another job within the firm. The move to wherever it may be in the future will be properly planned and discussed - and I think if my SIL has strong objections to it, such as disruption to the dc's schooling, it will be timed to deal with that. Ultimately they go where his job is, but the decision is a mutual one.

Bonsoir · 10/06/2012 09:31

I have a friend who has recently relocated for work, taking her DCs with her. Her DP hasn't followed her as his career couldn't be pursued in the location of her new job.

Frankly, it's not an ideal situation. The issue of how a couple manages two careers when one or both of them is and must be internationally mobile is never easy. It is not, IMO, a feminist or sexist issue per se.

tb · 15/06/2012 19:44

If he got a job in London, and you are near Brussels, there is always Eurostar/working from home.

The other thing is, you could always show him this thread - might give him a it of a shock to see how out of line/poor-little-me-diddums his thinking is.

Windandsand · 16/06/2012 05:39

Porto, I would think if you have built a good life with friends and your daughter is happy then why move ? Can't he get another job where you are now? Why does he want to go back to the uk? And you need to know about the finances. Best way is to make sure your will and his is up to date, beneficiaries, guardian for dd, gifts etc, life insurance and savings. Am also assuming you have a financial advisor who should see both of you. If not , you have another problem.
Personally I would not move - maybe a holiday in the uk? Because he might get a job there and hate it, then what? Will you just live in a caravan for ease of following jobs?

I am a trailing expat wife and i wish we had never left . Can't go back now, as my dh says there is no job for him in th uk.

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