Moving every couple of years with children?

[HumpheadWrasse]

DH has reached the stage where he will have much greater career opportunities with his company if he is 'fully flexible' which in essence means being willing to accept new placements every couple of years over different countries. First move would be a couple of years away yet but his company's been asking if he'd consider it and he's been asking me. My initial gut reaction was let's do it, but we have two DC (aged 3 and 2) and I worry it wouldn't be fair on them dragging them round between different countries.

Does anyone have any experience of moving around like this, either with their DC or as a child themselves, who can offer me any advice/opinions? Thank you!

We moved every couple of years when I was a child although only in the UK, and very much pre-internet. I did develop an ability to socialise with all sorts of people but friendships were very difficult to maintain. Always being the newcomer and trying to fit into groups who had already formed friendship bonds was very hard. I am very independent and happy with my own company which is a positive outcome but I never really put down roots anywhere and I regret that.

It's certainly not something I want for my own child.

An alternative could be to establish a permanent base for you and the DCs and see your DH for holidays. I know a family who did that and it worked for them but there are obviously financial and emotional costs involved.

I was an army brat so moved every couple of years as a child. It didn't bother me, in fact it made me very adaptable BUT as an adult I'm very restless and have continued to move very frequently. I've heard this from other people too, so you may have to be prepared for your children to be restless themselves as adults plus I've also heard that your children are more likely to live abroad as adults.

We've recently moved to France from England which has been really tough on my son. I've heard that after 8 it gets a lot harder for kids to adapt to big moves and he was 8 when we moved.
I think it depends on the schooling too, which isn't applicable for your kids yet as they are so young but I think I would now have a problem moving my son between countries unless they were all following the English curriculum or at least getting a stable educational experience.

Plus having recently done it, international moves have plus and minus points:
It's enormously stressful and expensive, even if the company reimburses your costs there are so many things that don't get covered that it takes a while to cover financially. On the plus side expat communities are incredibly supportive and friendly communities.
Another factor may be your career, can you work in all these different places if you want to? It's often much harder for the supporting spouse to get the kind of work they want.
I have no regrets about our moves, it's given us great opportunities but it's been at some cost to my son. I'm also lucky enough to be able to work in most places with my career.
There's lots to consider!

I live in an area where this happens a lot.

From what I can see it is a great experience for children in their younger years. It seems to be a different story for teenagers/secondary age pupils though.

I taught in a school with a high population of students who had lived abroad and moved around a lot. They proved to have had amazing experiences and were very confident and good at making conversation. They struggled to make deep and lasting friendships though. I don't know if it was a self defence mechanism - if you don't get close it won't hurt so much when you leave. They appeared to use people for their own purposes and then discard them when they were no longer useful. They seemed less likely to go the long haul for friends in trouble. Obviously I am generalising massively and everyone experiences and reacts differently.

The successful cases seem to be where the family has done this for 10 years or so until their eldest reaches secondary age and then they have settled for the high school experience, allowing their dcs to form the deep roots that can last them for life.

Thanks for responding to me so quickly! This is all really helpful, we're at such an early stage of thinking this through. If we did go for it, it would be with the intention of opting out again and being able to settle down by the time the DC hit teenagerdom. You've helped crystallise my worries in terms of the emotional effect it might have on them. Aargh! Also schooling difficulties. DH going alone wouldn't be worth it for us, if we did this we'd do it all together.

We did pretty much what carrots described. DH was born in Muscat, we moved a further four times and she is now in England with me.
She is a confident, sociable girl who has no problems making friends. We had thought this would be our last move. Sadly, DH who stayed behind in Belgium to finish his contract, was unable to find work in this area so we are moving to London.
IIWY, I would do it. There are sufficient good international schools in the world, to make their education 'joined up' ITMS.

One issue is that even if you don't move a lot yourselves (i.e. are longish term expats in one country, say 5 yrs), the international schools do have very high turnover- around 25% in HK, and some children do find the lack of friend/peer/teacher continuity difficult, especially as they transition to secondary school when longer term/ more meaningful friendships develop.

I have a couple of friends whose DC are going to board in England next year (at the child's request) as they want the continuity. Parents are happy as means that the child can be guaranteed to do secondary school in one school. The other factor in that is that in some countries (and HK is one) the international schools, whilst "good" schools per se, are poor value relative to what's on offer in the UK, hence you do get a bit of movement into the boarding system at 11/13.

Anyway, that's a long way off for you, but thought I'd mention it

You could have a look at this book by Marion Knell. It's more aimed at missionaries but lots of the things apply to general expats with DCs.

We're on the expat circuit, but have had only 1 move so far with the kids. Currently we're coming up 4yrs in our current location which is unusual, and will probably have to think about moving in the next 12mths. I'll have one just in school and one still in daycare (I work as well)

Don't underestimate the turmoil on you. It breaks my heart to move my 2 from the only thing they know (we moved here when DS1 was 1 and DS2 is a "local"). We've also just got into a good routine with their care, after school nanny organised, school picked, summer camps enrolled in. I feel a bit ill thinking about getting all that organised again, learning a new system, finding good care, schools, somewhere to live, and it will be me that does it, not DH! When I was single it was easy, just pack my container suitcase and go. Where we are now, is the longest I've lived anywhere in 19 years. There are a lot of emotions involved now, especially as we've had long enough to make very good friends here.

Kids are likely to be 'international' in mindset - both good and bad there. Rootless and with no strong sense of identity, good at building superficial friendships, more likely to travel/live abroad as adults. Also lots of drug taking and general bad behaviour amongst the richer set ime, but I appreciate that's anecdotal. (Worrying tho if you are, say, in the middle east)
We came back when kids were toddlers - might go again when they have left home but we decided to opt out for their upbringing. Met loads of 'internationals' though and as adults they were all lovely

Kids are likely to be 'international' in mindset - both good and bad there. Rootless and with no strong sense of identity, good at building superficial friendships, more likely to travel/live abroad as adults. Also lots of drug taking and general bad behaviour amongst the richer set ime, but I appreciate that's anecdotal. (Worrying tho if you are, say, in the middle east)
We came back when kids were toddlers - might go again when they have left home but we decided to opt out for their upbringing. Met loads of 'internationals' though and as adults they were all lovely

Dh and I are both ex military - we have three children, who have always moved with us (they were born in three different countries, and we moved every year or two). Dh left last year, so we have not been 'settled' in our new location for a year yet. The dcs are now 12, 10 and 8. Dd1 is in her 7th school (and has chosen to move schools in September, despite us not moving this summer), and the other two have obviously also been in a number of settings, too.

We were pretty adept at it, tbh. just planning 3 mos in advance, have never had a problem sorting out schooling or whatnot. Dd2 has cerebral palsy, so we have quite a lot to work out with new healthcare stuff and therapies, and schools and stuff, but I have to say that it has totally been worth it. The kids have been exposed to do many different life experiences.

For us it was just time to stop. As dd1 is 12, we felt that she needed the stability of a specific route for schooling, rather than switching countries and potential exam timetables etc, and also that they needed to be able to make lifelong friends (or at least those that they can see out the teenage years with). I don't see it as immensely important prior to 11 or 12 tbh. I don't personally have any friends from that period, despite being raised in one very small town and not even going abroad until adult.

I think travel during the primary years is a great thing to do with kids. So many experiences and different ways of life. It really gives them a head start as global citizens, rather than the parochial uk small island view. All kids are different, obviously, but mine (despite the sn) haved coped brilliantly. It hasn't had an adverse effect on education (all have been tagged gifted wherever we rock up) and has broadened their outlook completely.

And the great thing about moving around the world is you get to see loads of different places and work out where you want to live when you stop travelling...

.

They each have different memories of different places we have lived, and we discuss them frequently. It is slightly different to having 'roots', but each has a rich plethora of stories about where they were born, and we have shared the experiences as a family, along with our extended family who have visited us in each place, so they have a shared history with relatives etc.

It's all very personal though.

I moved every year or two as a child. It was just how we lived - I never thought to question it. Some of the places we lived were amazing, others less so. I was at boarding school from the age of seven though, so school friends were constant. Bonuses: I speak four languages (though only two fluently), have a good understanding of other countries' culture and history, friends all over the place, love of travel, always scored well on global location at school (obviously one of life's crucial skills) umm - there are probably more. However, now, I never want to move. I really need my home to be permanent and stable etc. I found renting really hard, for instance - I desperately needed to own my home. And I am sure that is because of the transient nature of my upbringing.

The most important thing if DCs have to move between countries is that they remain within the same school system. Moving country/school often is hard enough without having to deal with an entirely different curriculum and standards or, worse still, language of instruction.

Your basic choices are (a) international schools, the sort that following the IB curriculum (in English) right through and cost an arm and a leg. They are very, very good at integrating DCs rapidly but they tend to have a very mixed bag population and ultra-high pupil turnover (b) French lycées, which are cheap once you have got into the system but tend to require a lot of parental academic support, which may not suit you if you are not French speaking (c) British schools which are just as expensive as IB schools but are more varied in nature.

Puffy, my DH is the same. He moved all over the place and very often as a child and now craves stability. We did our (hopefully only) big move when DCs were tiny, with the idea that this will be the 'home' that they know and hopefully love.

always scored well on global location at school (obviously one of life's crucial skills)

Ha ha- DS went to a boarding school with a lot of international kids, and he said everyone wanted to be friends with the Kenyan kids so that you'd get invited to go and stay on their farms/safari camps in the holidays!

My DH and I both moved a lot as children. His parents worked for the UN and my Dad is a scientist so moved to different universities. DH moved more than me, every 2 or 4 years and to places as diverse as Mongolia (his first 4 years of life), India, Burma and Trinidad. He got sent to a British boarding school at 13, very reluctantly, because his parents next posting was Mauritius and they felt he needed a bit more stability once he hit that age. He absolutely thrived on it, and it's definitely formed his personality and he wants to move a lot/live abroad now. He can't see that it had any negative effects on him at all.

I lived in America, HK and Nepal. All my teenage years were in HK and were awesome and I loved it (I thrived in the international school environment and both DH and I moved between American and British systems without a problem, we're both Oxbridge graduates). Ditto America as a pre-teen. However, now I really really yearn for a 'home' and I am desperate to settle.

We've moved from the UK to Canada whilst our DD was 9 months old. Tbh, I found it much harder than I was expecting. I think because we had both moved so much as kids I thought I'd be really good at it. What I hadn't realised is how hard it must have been for our mothers (and yes, for them in particular as their DH's were working and therefore busy and in a social environment even if it was only an office one) when they were uprooted every year or so. My Mum only told me after we'd moved to Canada that she used to force herself out of the house in the early weeks of living in HK as she was so lonely.

We're moving back to the UK as we've had twins whilst here and I just feel like I need my family support system around me. DH isn't bothered except that he has to live with me going slowly mad so is happy to move back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is your LOs will probably love it as they are very little and will thrive on being exposed to other cultures. However, you may find it harder than you expect. I'd still go for it though, you can always come back

We've moved a bit internationally - not nearly as much as some on here though - and I have mixed feelings.
London to
Basel - 4 years then to
Zurich - 4 years, then to
Munich - 4 years ......

Points at random -
If you're going to do this I'd make sure you do move ever couple of years. Staying for 4 years then moving was really hard, as we'd got established, made a home, put down roots, so it was a real wrench. I wept the entire way through the lawyers meeting when we had to sell our house in Zurich :(.

It has killed my career. I really didn't think it through, I was just so happy and keen to leave London, and had a 16 month old and was pregnant so not worki g and work was far from my mi d. Now it feels impossible.

Our dc have always been in the local system (eldest is now 12), except for 1 year we moved to Munich. They went tithe international school for 1 year plus 1 term.. Positives - it was a beautiful building, fantastic facilities. Negatives - too many to mention all, but main o es. - standard of education was appalling. They learnt next to nothing there, the school was a long bus ride away, so no local friends. Most people we t away for holidays, and often at weekends too so v quiet and lo sly then, even in 1.3 years they lost loads of their friends who also moved on internationally., staff turnover high . Fees, thankfully paid by firm were ???????? - extremely poor value for money - make sure yours would be paid, for whole time - have heard of caps of eg 5 years or even 2 .

Language - if you're in a new country every couple of years you probably won't get much past the basics and I still feel like a thick foreigner - and sometimes treated as such due to language problems.

Kids are a bit rootless. 2 of mi e are born I. Switzerland,. They don't know how to answer the question where do they co they come fr. They've only visited Uk, never lived there, so can't say I come for
England, can't really say I come from
Switzerland either. They are a bit lost.

Miss family, even though not close. When I return I miss being in English environment.

Anyway. After a year in Munich we had to choose - stay here or return to UK. I was adamant we stopped movi g once ds1 started secondary. We decided Munich, so pulled kids out of IS, put in local system and feel now settled. Though it is the 4 year mark for us, where pr ious pattern shows dh gets itchy feel. Funnily enough, after 4 years he is moving jobs again, but staying in Munch.

There are positives too. Lots, but they've all already been mentioned and this is way too long anyway.

Ps 1 more thing - kids at IS long term ime start to talk weird English, sort of partly American with v odd intonation . Hated that!

kids at IS long term ime start to talk weird English, sort of partly American with v odd intonation .

Ah, yes, the mid-Atlantic twang. Gotta love it.

Already singing "hurry hurry, drive the fire truck" with me muttering "engine" under my breath

We moved every few years before having dd, but it is very different with her. We plan to be overseas until dd is uni aged( now 6) decided that when she turns 12 we will settle until she finishes high school. Now we are expecting dc2 and am not sure what the plan is. With such a large age gap, we may end up somewhere for 12 years, which seems a bit much!

I think while they are young, it is a great experience for them, but I do worry that as they get older, it will be more difficult.

I think there are two main scenarii for the English of international children: either they do as described in the post below and speak mid-Atlantic English or else they hold on to the accent of their parent(s) and speak the English of an earlier generation. My sister's DCs, who have all lived abroad all their lives and gone to international schools, speak her English which itself is "outdated" because she also went to school abroad and aligned her English on that of our parents. And my DD's own English is also largely modelled on my English. She is not in an international school, however, and the accents are more British than anything else.

I've now got an image of Bonsoir's nieces/nephews saying things like "for sooth".

LOL. DD did come up to me a little while ago and ask "Would you care for tea?"

Classic.

Oh Bonsoir, you've hit the nail on the head. I retained my British accent in HK (which actually made me a target for a bit of bullying, but that's another story) and I speak like my parents and know all sorts of ancient songs.

My DD speaks so properly it hurts. They love it here in Canada, and keep getting her to say pushchair and Hello...