is Settling in Supposed to be this Hard ?

[batsforlashes]

Seriously, tonight all I want to do is pack my bags and go home with the kids. Not sure what to do with Dh, right now he can stay where he is.

Background is : we have moved from Europe to Sydney- my Dh is from Australia and I am from Europe , with our three kids( 5,3 10 months) and I am miserable. Seriously not sure what I was thinking in agreeing to this move.

We have just been out for the night with some of DH's old friends and he has been busy telling them how similar life is really and not all that much has changed. In the meantime, I have left behind my home, my parents , my sisters, all my nieces and nephews not to mention my friends but according to to my DH with Skype and Facebook it is pretty much the same as being at home- I want to knock his head off......

Now I know it has only been two months and early days but I cannot help but thinking that this is the biggest mistake I have ever made. I am doing all I can in terms of making friends and being sociable but am running our of energy.

Not sure what I am asking for in terms of replies but I feel utterly desperate.

Hi there - I don't really have any great words to say, other than to say I'm sorry to read how you're feeling.
I've not been in the same situation of having made a 'permanent' move, but have done two overseas moves, and am two months in to the second move. Objective logic tells me that you will adjust, and having been following threads on this page for the last few months in the run up to our move, there does seem to be a pattern of people taking up to six months settling in, and I had that with our last move, and now have really fond memories of it, and would move back there in the future, whereas at the beginning, I used to watch DVDs of Balamory just to catch a glimpse of Blighty!
Anyway, when you are feeling a bit less fed up, write a list of all the good things, and if you can, make sure you've got short term things to look forward to.
Also, it is a big move, so I think it is normal to have low points, it shows you are human!

Hello!

It sounds to me as if your DH's lack of understanding is actually the biggest problem!

We did a permanent move - not so far geographically (UK to Southern Germany), almost 4 years ago. Like you it was to my DH's homeland although about an hour from when he grew up, he has re-connected with old school friends while I left behind the good and supportive group of "mummy friends" I had made over the previous 2 years and had come to feel really close to - but somehow not known long enough to believe we'd stay in touch forever considering the permanence of the move.

I had highs and lows - really miserable, thinking I'd made a huge mistake, in the first week when I discovered where we were actually living - I'd seen pictures of the house and was happy with it, but the in -laws, who found the house for us, had dramatically underplayed the tiny size of the village (not even big enough for a shop or a bus stop, aside from school bus) and distance from everything, and I was 6 months pregnant, with a young toddler and no car... Then once I had a car I got really determined to make it work, and put myself out there, joined toddlers groups, even tried to set a group up just after I had dc2, talked to everybody despite very limited German, joined a language class in the evenings (though dropped out fairly swiftly once baby arrived)... On quite a high to make it work. Then towards the middle of the first winter hit a huge slump, felt like a huge mistake, miserable, wanted to go back to the UK... and so on.

I still have the highs and lows about being here 4.5 years on, but they are much milder and shorter lived.

It helped me hugely though that dh understood what a huge deal the move was to me - if he had implied I was being silly about the downsides I would have found it hugely more difficult to handle.

I think your settling in feelings are normal but you need to sit down with your dh and talk about it when you are both calm and have time, after the kids are in bed etc. as his attitude could really make or break it for you imo.

Good luck!

Tell us what you are doing to try and make friends. Maybe we can come up with a few more ideas for you to try, as having some friends is really the best way to start feeling more at home.

I would also talk with your husband about feeling homesick. Not in a threatening I-want-to-leave way, but more that you may need some more support to feel happier there. he should know what you are going through because if you want to make it work, you should use all the help you can to do such.

What part of oz have you moved to?
Can you find a supportive expat to chat/moan with etc. Hubby has it easy stepping back into an old life

It's such hard work to start with - I know it took me a good 6 months to feel even slightly settled. And it must be even harder when your DH knows people and you don't. I still get massive ups and downs about being here (and also about going back now).

If you ever want to meet up for a coffee, let me know :)

I moved permanently to Oz 6 years ago, and spent many an evening crying with homesickness. DD was 11 at the time, and I was in my early 50s and felt a bit apart from the other mums. Getting acquainted at the school gate didn't last long, especially as I got a full time job within six months.

Being told it's all the same because of Skype is bollocks. It might work if you do it all the time, and it WILL have to be you who does the chasing/keeping up, but it's not the same. Get your head round this, i.e. accept it, and things will get better, or I should say they will only get better if you do accept it.

Two months is very early indeed. The ages of your children, mean you'll have many opportunities to meet other women, so hold on there.

As obvious as it sounds, you can only live where you are. I don't always find it easy to follow this advice, from an ex-pat, but it's true. Someone else also observed that Australians were very friendly but hard to get to be friends with, IFYSWIM.:)

I'm sure some Sydneysider MN will come along soon. Meet them.

Good luck.

What about trying some groups where everyone is in the same boat as you?
Groups
The baby groups are a good way to meet other mums who may well want to meet other friends too. I met some lovely ladies through Gymbaroo with my babies Gymbaroo
Do you see a maternal health nurse (Health Visitor equivalent) as they are really good at putting you in touch with mothers' groups in your local area.
Playgroups are good too.

Sorry, should have said what part of Sydney??

Thanks everyone. Actually had a better day today in that we met a group of families from the school and it was the first time that I did not feel like the "New Girl". I am meeting lots of people and we do have a busy social life, a lot of my frustration is being at home full time with small kids and that would be same even if I was back home. I am planning to go back to work after Christmas so I know that will help a lot.

I also get a bit panicked at the thought of this being forever, I cannot contemplate living away from my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews forever- it is simply not the life I want. I have promised DH 3-5 years to give it a good shot so I need to keep reminding myself that we can go home eventually. He does get it I think but I have just been so emotional and moody that he is at a bit of a loss- typical man full of practical & rational solutions.

I think I am just tired of all the stress and feeling unsettled- the few months before we left were terrible - my family were/ are very upset at us going and I had sort of blocked out this part of the settling in and now feel a bit WTF-" how did I end up here ".

I shall report back in another couple of months ! Eraic might take up on up that coffee- we are down at the plaza a few times a week. It really is kids central around here.

i think it takes about two years to properly settle into a place, possibly even longer. and ithink its alwaYS worse if you are going to a place that is the homeland of your partner. two months is the low point mark really, where the excitement and newness has worn off, but the comfort hasnt set in yet.

give yourself time, be kind to yourself, and keep making friends, separate from your dh, so you can have a life of your own as well.

I reall feel for you....I went with my Aussie DH to Adelade when DD one was born and after a year i was DESPERATE to get home.
We did but t problem is that he is very homesick.

I have resigned myself to the fact that we will be toing and froing between the two countries forever.

e are going back in 2 yars for two years..then returning to the UK for high school

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Settling in is hard, but it helps if you really want to be there iyswim. I moved to Sydney from my partners country 3 years ago and was so happy to leave that I was really glad to be in Sydney, even then the first 6 months were just a blur of sorting stuff, and it was 2 years before I felt reasonably 'settled' (even 3 years later it's not home). But it sounds like you're leaving a close and supportive family behind and thats not easy, in fact thats the reason that most people who move to Australia for 'lifestyle' move back home, the realisation that family is more important. I have 3 children the same age as yours so I can imagine that leaving family must be so tough. I don't really have a supportive family to go home to, but I am a little envious of people who have that, especially with 3 little children, I feel bad that it's 'just us' for birthdays and Christmas etc etc.

Could you maybe decrease the time limit you've set yourself, maybe to a year, I agree it takes 2 years to settle, but you'll know yourself how you feel after a year, if you're still missing family, that's not likely to change and you give such valid reasons for why you're finding it hard. Maybe you'd be able to enjoy your time here more if you knew it wasn't going to be for so 'long'?

Good luck!

Hi... I know how you feel. I moved to Sydney in May, I also have a 10 month old DD. Its hard being away from home, I still have days where I get homesick and think what am I doing here but it has got a lot easier.. DP is understanding but its easier for him as this is where he is from, has all his family/friends here etc...

I also get a bit stressed when I think we'll be here forever but DP has said if not settled we can go back, altho I think in a few years I will probably be settled here and I know DD will have a fab live here... Will just see how things go.

Not sure where you live in Sydney but if you want to meet up for a coffee let me know

I really do understand how you feel - I think it took me a good 2 years to settle. It was a LOT harder than I thought it would be. I grabbed every single social opportunity I got, and invented some, and I got there in the end. DH never seemed to struggle at all. He is quite happy to go to work and come home and watch TV.

For me when I moved to the UK from Australia by myself leaving everyone I knew and employment etc behind, I found two years to totally feel comfortable in the place. I found the first year was hard - knowing no one, missing weddings of siblings and family and feeling the distance from friends and my life in Aus. The second year it got easier - made friends, looked to join things and travel etc to experience more than I had seen at first.

I fnd returning to Aus after some time away was difficult for me at first - returning married with a child - rather than the single free gal I was when I left. Whilst I had other friends etc - I had to really make new friends who were at the same stage as me. I found playgroup was a great place to start and making the effort to invite others over or to ask others to join us at the park was a good start to making friends.

Feel bad for you batsforlashes. I have been there too. I emigrated to the UK from NZ 14 years ago. I can only empathise and agree with many of the other people here to tell you to give yourself two years. It really does take that long. I came to the UK with 2 children and another one "on the way". We had thought it was for one year only - taking advantage of my maternity leave. I had left behind my career, my family and my friends. We really struggled financially and could not afford to return after a year. I was miserable. My husband worked away all week, I was "stuck" at home with two babies - a new born and a 13 month old (our eldest was 7), and I lived in the countryside with no amenities. I am not going to tell you that I look back fondly at that time. I hated it and wanted to go back to NZ. My qualifications as a secondary teacher were not accepted here, unless there was a "shortage" of English trained teachers (and in this region and my subject specialism, there is no shortage) I could not get a job in the career I loved. I ended up in a dead-end contract job. On the up-side, being so desperate meant that I had to really push and take risks for things to get better. Within 5 years we had happy kids, a successful business, a lovely house, and good friends. Would I go through it all again? No. Am I glad I did it? Yes. No doubt about it, it will be tough, but you will get through it given time and some effort. While some days will drag, two years will pass very quickly, especially with young children. You can build a life almost anywhere, it just takes time. Good luck :).

I agree that you do really need to WORK at it. I started from the attitude that I always made friends at work in the past. Well that didn't work at ALL. The Belgian's will do lunch at the drop of a hat but you have to get to know them REALLY well before they invite you to a social occasion outside of work.

I went well outside my comfort zone at first. Dinners with NCT members that I had nothing in common with, inviting the local NCT/BCT members to a playground one weekend only to discover they were all German. They all hit it off of course.....but they mostly ignored me. Though actually I did meet one good friend through that.

After 4 years here we threw a party to which we invited everyone we knew. 2 of my work colleagues came. One was most touched that I liked her enough to invite her, the other brought his family all the way from Liege. The rest never even replied. I actually chat to these people day in day out, and have no reason to think that they hate me or anything. They just don't DO these things. The party was a great success though!

I made friends without great effort in the long term - other mums when dd went to Rainbows/Brownies. I have met lots local MNetters, who are all lovely. DH's colleagues are a mixed bag and generally more up for socialising

This is all probably a bit late but it is simultaneously easier and harder to move to your DH's homeland! My DH is Australian too. He is soooo happy to be home and for him it's completely familiar and easy, so he really doesn't get the homesickness thing. And of course I'm not instantly going to be friends with all his friends; when you meet people in couples, you know how it is (not all couple friends translate well into great girlfriends) - but he has old friends so returning is like an old comfy shoe not a new strangely fitting one! But at least he HAS friends and so we do get invited out to see people; we are not stuck in total expat-land, which I think is ultimately harder if the move is permanent. And then of course at places like playgroup everyone has known each other forever and I stick out like a tall, not tanned Canadian thumb :) But perservere as everyone has said, at least that is what I am telling myself.

There was a very interesting study I saw in the paper only this morning which says that Skype/FB actually make it harder, not easier, if you are homesick, which can make sense (stops you from integrating in to your new community so much).

OP, you are at a particularly demanding children age time as well - children are a great way to meet people but are also not great at letting you have conversations that last longer than 3 minutes. I would suggest signing up for one evening activity which is JUST for you - painting class, book group at the local library, creative writing, car mechanics, adult swimming if you're from the UK and want to increase your standars - something interactive where you meet non-child people. This is my plan too!

: COURAGE!

Hi batsforlashes. Just wanted to add my sympathy really. I recently moved to the states from NZ, and it has been unbelievably hard (and it wasn't my first move by a long shot). I've been here nearly 2 years and am only just starting to settle now. It has been a horrible struggle. Forcing myself to get out and about helped a little, but mostly it was just time I think.

Hello

I read you post when you posted but was feeling so utterly miserable myself I couldn't bring myself to reply.

I am in a similar boat - we moved to central queensland from the UK 3 months ago with our two children. DH is at work all day and travels with work, I'm at home with the children and know precisely noone. For me it is the range of differences...from UK to Aus sure but also from city to tiny town and from career to sahm....comfortably off to totally bloody skint

I have mentally packed my bags so many times and like someone said further up the thread it is the lack of empathy from dh that has been worse than some of the other changes.

I still don't have much to say other than hang in there and take one day at a time. Talking to my dh calmly using precise examples rather than accusations has helped a bit. And as others suggest, playgroup etc, is helping me make some connections.

best of luck xx

Hi batforlashes. It's hard isn't it?

I moved to NZ from the UK 10 months ago with DH and DS. I found it much harder than I thought I would to settle in, 2 to 3 months was the low point for me, the novelty had worn off, but I still knew hardly anyone. DS and DH had no problems settling as one was at school and one at work, whereas I was on my own all day studying for my bar exams at home and having to sort all the domestic stuff out.

It will get better, but your DH needs to shut his mouth and have some understadning of how you feel - make sure you tell him, you need to clear the air and not bottle it all up. Find something for you to do by yourself and for yourself too. I joined the local athletics club, good fun. xx

Well, I thought I would pop back in to say hello and give a quick update. So things are definitely much better. I have been lucky and made friends with a groups of mums from the school and actually have a social life now which is great. The weather is helping and the kids are really happy. We are still so broke from the move so once we get back on our feet a bit financially that will be another worry gone as well.

Not out of the woods by a long shot and there are some very low days ( My DS was 1 this week and that was pretty lonely) and I am dreading Christmas but I am surviving. I have a trip home in Feb and think that will be great to get me though Christmas.

Thank you to everyone that replied, it really, really helped.

xx

Hi Bats,

how lovely to have an update and glad things are looking up for you.

have you got anything nice planned for Christmas to take your mind off home? We are spending it with dh's family out of necessity and obligation but part of me thinks we should have booked something way different that won't resemble any other Christmas we have had to kind of take my mind off it. ho hum.

Also recognise the loneliness, my ds2 is 1 in a couple of weeks and dh was asking me about who we are inviting to the party, although I have met some nice people and have naturally invited them over I still sobbed!

good luck and happy days xx

You need to give it around 2 years. That is apparently how long it takes to settle into a new country. 2 months is definitely not long, and wont have established any friendships or any routines yet.

My dh could not settle properly in Norway, we spent three years, then came back to the uk.

sorry, missed your latest post. Glad to hear it is getting better!