want to leave as hate it here so much, what about dh?

[icecreameveryday]

does anyone live with the dc'c in uk or europe as they hate the country of dh work so much? is it unusual? i hate it here and have cried nearly every day since arrival 2 ys ago. i have a group of friends, but its so transient and i feel like life is passing me by. i hate the bugs here, the poverty, stray animals dumped by expats, everything. i hate that my dc's are here and how it is for them, ie too hot to go outside, always ill ffrom dust, just malls.

my dh contract is due to be renewed and its likely he will accept as he earns so much more than in europe, and the crisis. i want to leave and dh doesn't to go and do same job for less money, which is fair enough, but i don't see why i should have to live here as well, its my life too, and the kids. he is always at work so only sees them w/e and an hour a day max. he works evenings as well, always has.

i keep picking arguements and want to split if we have to stay, he says i am selfish, i don't know, i just can't bear it.

has anyone been in this position? what did you do?

How old are your children? It can get a lot easier once they start school properly as you are not having to entertain them all day in the heat and school activities start to give more structure to your life.

The extra money can make family life easier when you eventually do go home, but you won't be feeling that yet as 2 years isn't long enough to mmake much financial difference and the costs of setting up will mean that any financial benefit you have seen will be wiped out if you move early. It is easy to accuse your husband of being mercenary, but there is some logic to trying to create some savings for your family future, especially when doing that is so very difficult in the UK at the moment.

It does seem to me that when you say you cannot contemplate voluntary work (not that I am) because you would be using less fortunate people to help yourself that you are feeling determinedly negative and probably depressed as this is an odd attitude.

Someone once said to me when I was fed up: "Try to think of what you and your children are having which you cannot have at home, instead of focussing on the things you cannot have. " There will probably be some, however few.

Oh and find a different doctor. There is support and help for anxiety attacks to be had. I experienced them when I first moved to the ME, with pre-schoolers and a good doctor will help you and refer you to someone who can help you to change your current negative thought patterns if you are willing to try.

icecream - I've been reading your thread and feeling for you. I think some of the "stop moping" comments have been slightly unsympathetic. I also think you need to create a little cocoon for yourself to feel safe, get back some of your sense of self as you rather than wife and mum so that you can come out fighting for your and your children's corner in a constructive way rather than picking fights that get you no where. Find yourself a counsellor and take some time. I don't know you but suspect you are a stronger woman than this situation is letting you be. Find that inner lioness and put the balance back into your relationship! and most of all, take care!!

What if your dh found work in another country (i.e. not Bahrain)? Would a different setting possibly work for you, or is a return to the UK the only solution?

Do you have the mental energy to start over elsewhere - even if it is a better place that where you are currently?

Hugs OP. I have been following this thread and It's like reading something I'd written. We are in the ME as well (not Bahrain), been here for 6 years. Some people love it, some people don't. I get very annoyed when people tell you to snap out of it or make the most of the situation. The Gulf isn't for everyone. You can't force yourself to like something or feel something that isn't there.

I have no advice to offer I'm afraid. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

I don't think I can agree with the posters who've said (more or less) that if you are depressed in ME you will be just as depressed wherever you go. I spent years living in a country where I felt very unhappy (climate, poverty, differences in social and cultural values...) There were many reasons that I stayed, but one of them was the belief that there was no point leaving because I'd be just as depressed anywhere else. I am pretty sure now that I was wrong.
Is there any other country your DH could apply to move to, which would be more congenial for you?

I've also being following this thread with interest and empathy. My partner is not from the UK and I moved to his country to be with him (in Europe and on paper a fantastic place) before children. For different reasons the place made me depressed and I also cried every day for 2 years. Luckily we were able to move to a different city within the same country and I felt much less depressed, so I can vouch that if you remove yourself from the situation which is making you unhappy it will have a direct effect on your situation. We moved to Australia 3 years ago and the relief at leaving that country was like having a weight off my shoulders. However my partner will always come from that country and we will be returning to Europe next year, he wants to return to his country and I want to come to England. Now we have 3 small children, who his parents feel we removed from them as 2 of them were born in his country and they are putting pressure on us to go back there. We also have our old life there so slotting back in on a practical level would be pretty easy, it's also a Scandinavian country so difficult to argue against, especially with the current economic situation in the UK.
However, I lived there for 7 years and do not want to back, I can see all the positives (of which there are many) but I was an outsider there and want my children to consider their home as the same place as I do and to speak English as their 1st language. I haven't lived in the UK with for 10 years so to move back with children (one school age) seems almost like moving to a foreign country, especially as we have no obvious place to base ourselves. My partner would also have to find work, which will be difficult, whereas he will easily get a job in his country, yet I know that if we go back there we will and up staying (it was our plan to move to the UK after oz and i'm struggling to make it happen) and I will end up miserable, yet this is not seen as a consideration by many. I don't know if it will work out in the UK as we have never lived there together, but it is my home and I feel like I have the right to give it a go. I feel so helpless, I just want to go home but it's not that simple, especially with children and finding schools and the cost of moving from Australia and finding jobs. Just writing about it makes me cry.
So no advice from me, but empathy and understanding. Good luck.

can't you stay in Australia dolly?

Dolly - sympathy with your situation, sounds hard and hope you find a solution.

Icecream - I'm a reluctant ex-pat as well. Never wanted to move out here (Hong Kong) and really miss family and 'proper' friends. Have been here 3 years now and looks like at least another 2 and possibly many more after that. Hong Kong is easier for ex-pats I think but we still have to contend with the heat/humidity (pregnant and stuck here all summer) which restricts what can do with small children, transient/'superficial' friendships, terrible pollution, and in our case lower standard of living accommodation than would have in UK (due to overcrowding/cost, we are not on ex-pat package) and not being able to afford to fly home when we want to. So, I really do sympathise, it is hard to stay positive when you start every day in a country you do not want to be in.

However, the economic situation in the UK is so dire right now I really think we should try and count our blessings on that front and be realistic about what we would be going back to should we return in near future. If you love being SAHM would you have to go back to work in UK? How would you really feel about that? My DH holds this one as a thread over my head as well, though not quite as bluntly as your DH. Remember it is hard to meet people in UK as all have own long established cliques already, at least as ex-pats we do have a social network easily accessible. Plus remember you've got healthy kids, roof over your head, food on the table, it all counts.

I am just about the only mum I know here who does not have full time maid so I know where you are coming from on that one but I do employ part time and wonder is there any way you can give that another go? Having some help around the house can compensate for lack of support from family and DH working long hours, make life more bearable and enable you to focus on doing fun things with your kids/for yourself.

To be blunt I think if you leave and take kids back to UK on your own you will very likely be ending your marriage. I hope you and DH can find a way forward, maybe setting a deadline for leaving? You do sound depressed so maybe another trip to the doctor would be in order too.

Best of luck with it OP, you are not alone, hope you can find a way to move forward or embrace the life you have.

Hmmm, firstly i want to leave UK for many of the reasons you want to come back. Here, I am isolated and lonely, DH works away for a month at a time and where we live is one of the coldest, wettest, windiest places so getting outside is a struggle. Everything thereis to do on less than nice weather days is an hour away so I spend my time driving. I am knackered, miserable and find making friends here hard. There are "nice" people but they are so meh. All think they are so lucky to be here and I think the opposite. Glad they are happy but that doesn't mean I can be. DH doesn't want to leave as he likes to come home after a month in a hellhole (w Africa) and we live in his childhood home where he has outbuidlings and plenty of things he wants to do. We have had so many arguments about it, why does he get to be the one that is happy (apart from my moaning)? He knows he couldn't hack it here 365 days a year but he expects me to and moans when I want to go on holiday to get away as he has obviously just been away. I feel I am being selfish but sometimes you have to be because it is your life too. He has accepted he needs to move us. I had hoped overseas but at present it is hanging in the balance. But I need somewhere for me, where I can get something out if life and not feel like a martyr. I can't put into words what I need but PEOPLE is a start. I just love getting into a city and get that buzz.
However, I did go and see my GP who sent me for cognitive therapy and it did help, it basically consisted of keeping a private journal. You put everything in there but you must do it every day even if you just say I can't write today. You can look back over it and see patterns etc. I find that while living here is still crap I have been able to take control a little bit. Your doc shouldn't just say leave-that isn't very helpful. In fact it is telling you what you want to hear.but offering you no support. At the moment I do think you are depressed and moving back to UK may not help as much as you think, you may need to do that but from a stronger place. You do need the talk, but with no tears and emotions as you can muster as men don't deal well with that. I did a pros and cons sheet which helped DH see it from my point of view and let him read it himself. but you also need to get back some perspective which is hard to do when you are living in hell. BUT I managed to get a bit, not so much that I want to stay here but enough that I feel I can put up with for another year, which trust me wasn't likely a year ago. I was in a very dark place. I think you should consider help for the DCs because I think you need time for you. And they will benefit from a happier mum. It doesn't have to be much but try and get out yourself, to a gym or spa. Take some you time to do whatever it is thAt makes you feel enriched. Put music on and sing loudly. I bet you barely notice music any more. That is what happened to me anyway. It was an epiphany when I got it back. I started to notice beautiful things again all over the place. And don't write in any book, buy the prettiest notebook you can and a lovely pen too. And make it a4 as you are going to need the space. It is so cathartic. The answers are inside of you and writing will help sort it all out. Xx

Icecream? Are you in Bahrain? If so, would you like to meet? I have been here for 2 years and am quite happy but a bit lonely and a bit bored. I only have 2 friends - both working (everyone has left) so I understand what you are saying about transient. I am just about to have a baby here so I'll be here for the summer - possibly the only expat that is :o). I also have a 3.5 year son so know how difficult and frustrating it is to entertain kids here. I'm new to forums (my very first post), so not sure how we can safely exchange contact details if you are interested. Meanwhile, best of luck!

MuminBahrain you can sent a message via the message poster on the blue line along third click from the right of your name

this decision needs to be a joint decision and it doesn't seem as if your dh is willing to be open to your needs.

i would move back if i were you, then your dh might be willing to listen.

Just read through this. I was miserable and depressed as an expat. Like people said, dhs life was home-work-home. I had to deal with kids and trying to make friends in a different culture. I hated every minute.
So i came back and dhfollowed. Its tougher but i am much happier at home. Money isnt everything.

Thanks Wordsonapage :)

Hi Ice cream and MuminBahrain,am also in Bahrain,new to forums as well.Will be here for most of summer.Have a 3 year old and baby too,so will message you.

Been watching this and would like to say I feel for you Ice cream, its bloody hard both ways and your DH sounds pretty unhappy too, drinking etc.
We are moving back to Uk very soon, DH would stay here but knows I am slowly going insane and has been fabulous about it.
I had panic attacks and mild depression too until we came to a decision to return to Uk.
I hope you work it out, I think you heart is not in it and wondered could you stay with family for a while??

i would love to go back to the Uk but we sold our house when we left as it was too small for us and we got an offer which was v good-just before the crash. we have nowhere to go, i have no family and my dh family live abroad and though would put me and the kids up, its not ideal for more than a week, the dc's and i would share a room and all of us a bathroom, and can't actually live there indefinetly, ie build a home.

muminbahrain and dayin the sun, i really hope you are leaving for the summer- its hell at that time. i am off very soon, thankfully. still as unhappy, as there is an option for dh to move to dubai, and cannot drum up any interest at all. all the energy has drained from me, i think- i just think its a ploy to make me stay, get settled somewhere else, more upheaval and my misery hid by being busy moving. the thought of it all wears me out, i am still having huge problems sleeping...

ICECREAM what does your husband do for a living? Is Bahrain really the only place he can get well paid work? Things are booming in Aus too - could that be an option? Much more settled and familiar style of life and a much more pleasant climate.

I do sympathise, it sounds horrible way to live and I don't blame you for feeling depressed about the situation.

In your position, I think I would take the bull by the horns and work out a way to sort out the problem.

First of all, why are you expats? Are you putting up with the inconvenience of working in Bahrain for the money? Are you saving it for something? Could you get the equivalent amount elsewhere?

If you're not there for the money, it doesn't appear that you are there for the lifestyle. If it's just because there are no jobs in the UK, well then the whole world is your oyster.

Where would you like to live? Australia, Thailand, USA, Asia, Europe? Why don't you look on some expat forums in a country you would like to live in? Check out some job sites to see what's around and what the salaries and visa requirements are?

If you present DH with some options - such as "we could move to xyz country, I see here they are looking for people with your skillset and I think it would be a much better environment for the DCs" then you have a much better chance of improving things. It would also give you some hope that you're not going to drift on there forever.

In fact, now is the time to do this - once the DCs are in school your lives will become a whole lot more complex.

I hope you can sort things out - at least if you come up with some solutions and alternatives, you know you have done your best to resolve things as a family. Good Luck