want to leave as hate it here so much, what about dh?

[icecreameveryday]

does anyone live with the dc'c in uk or europe as they hate the country of dh work so much? is it unusual? i hate it here and have cried nearly every day since arrival 2 ys ago. i have a group of friends, but its so transient and i feel like life is passing me by. i hate the bugs here, the poverty, stray animals dumped by expats, everything. i hate that my dc's are here and how it is for them, ie too hot to go outside, always ill ffrom dust, just malls.

my dh contract is due to be renewed and its likely he will accept as he earns so much more than in europe, and the crisis. i want to leave and dh doesn't to go and do same job for less money, which is fair enough, but i don't see why i should have to live here as well, its my life too, and the kids. he is always at work so only sees them w/e and an hour a day max. he works evenings as well, always has.

i keep picking arguements and want to split if we have to stay, he says i am selfish, i don't know, i just can't bear it.

has anyone been in this position? what did you do?

Hiya.Sorry your having such a horrid time.Am dreading the summer too.I am in Bahrain,if by any chance you are too and want too talk

wordsonapage, i am in bahrain, not dubai, and really there is nothing i like about living here, we often have this conversation and the best a friend came up with was that the fags were cheap..

if we went back, i could work and would be happy to, we managed before when the babies were very tiny and i didn't work- i was made redundant through choice, happy to be as it suited us. we could manage here without me working as we did before. i also have a small business which is dormant that I can ressurect.

mrs schauden, i understand all that you say, and its all good points, but i still have to live d2d here and like another poster said, his days are the same wherever he is, its me that has to actually LIVE here trying to manage d2d with life here and i can tell you, i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

doing voluntary work wouldnt help as i actually prefer to look after my dc's, and they would have to be looked after by a maid or a nursery, which isn't what either of us want, and we would do the same until school years wherever we were. imo these childhood years before school should be lovely, and one always tries to create a replica of your own or better, so here its just nothing like a childhood either of us like.

we don;t have a maid, we tried lots full time and part time, but it was more trouble than it was worth, what with being under your feet, poking through stuff, advising us on childcare and generally being like having a nightmare mil in the house, only paying her to be there! i don't have a problem with housework and being with my dc;s anyway:)

we are trying to sort it out, but last year was supposed to be my last year, and now maybe this year/ next year. who knows? all anyone talks about is getting away for the summer, then when that's over getting away for xmas, wishing our lives away.

YOu say that if you went back, you could work, yet in the same breath, say that you prefer to stay at home and look after the children, and that you don't want them looked after by a maid or nursery. So if you went back, who would look after the children if you worked?

I'm not trying to be difficult here (I have been on both sides of the fence), but if you are so miserable, you're not going to be giving your children the lovely childhood you crave for them. All they see is sad mummy. So why not think of yourself for a change, and go and do something for you, maybe a couple of mornings a week - learn Arabic? Voluntary work? It won't kill your children for them to be looked after by someone else for six hours a week - they might enjoy nursery, as well, and your self esteem would be better and you would be happier in yourself. I think, from what you have said, that you are spending too much time on your own at the moment and only have one thing to dwell one, and it has become all-consuming. Don't wish your life away, but change small bits to make it better.

I think you speak a lot of sense MrsSchadenfreude, there's a lot to be said for making the best of a bad situation.

How old are your DCs Icecream?

Ice cream, I so understand what you mean by "wishing our lives away" and wanting those childhood years to be picture perfect, but MrsSchadenfreude has made some very very valid points in her last 2 posts.

Come to the support thread (have not posted myself but lurking) if you need to vent and maybe talk to your GP if the sinking feeling doesn't go away?

but how many years do you make the best of it? another poster said her mum felt very sad after years in a place she didn't like.

mrs sch ,i am not on my own much at all ,play dates everyday, errands, visitors etc, so outside it looks like i am making the best of it! this post is about how i want to live going forward.

voluntary work -i don't feel its right to use others misery or bad luck. lack if finance to make my self feel better.

have already spoken to gp- advice was to leave

I've just re-read this post again and I think this runs much deeper than being in Bahrain. I think, from what you've written, you are having problems that are not just due to being in Bahrain. You want to take your baby out for a walk and can't do that in the heat, which, having been an expat in Bahrain, I can understand. However, there is plenty to do there, playgroups, swimming etc that are the same as at home (we see swimming as a substitute for going to the swings, which we can't do here due to the heat). You say that your friends and family are spread throughout the UK and Europe so there's not one place that they are all together that you could go back to and slot straight back in.

It doesn't add up that you would separate your kids from their dad and potentially end your marriage (ime most partnerships that start down this route end up damaged) because you don't like the country, and I can't understand from your posts what you don't like about it. In DH's field, Bahrain is a privilege posting (you normally get Bahrain after 10 years in W Africa....)

Have I got it totally wrong (in which case, apologies) or is there something else at the bottom of this?

Are you coming back to the UK for R and R soon? If so I would contact women's aid when you get here and get some counselling support.
You DH does not seem to respect you much at present, saying that someone with depression is just being "dramatic" and shouldn't bother talking to her doctor is heartless and does not show he is thinking of you at all. Maybe he is picking up the social vales of the country he is in?

BTW I have told my DH that if he got a job in the ME I would not be going (and there are lots of other places I would jump at or at least consider).

There are much much more important things in life than money, and your DH seems to have lost sight of that.

acatcalledbob-heat, humidity,dirt, dust, enviroment, no choice at shops,just malls with same shops, no parks just sand for cats to poo in, dc's sick from dust allergies, trnsient poulation friends for me and dc's, no animals, no birds, no seasons, poverty, un derlying slavery if you are not european, ear infections vfrom swimming all the time, very expensive everything,if cheap it will fall apart, no equality of men and women, tanks, checkpoints, websites blocked, cockroaches, rats, stray animals evrywhere dumped vy expats, dangerous drivers, infrastructure terrible .

mummytime, its often a 2yr contract then you end up staying cos they extend and suddenly you are not going, its for longer.

But are you icecream coming back to stay with you ILs soon? If not I would arrange some kind of trip back asap.

Woah, point taken

icecream I feel your pain. I too am a trailing spouse in the ME (KSA) having given up a very good career to come out here for 2 years. That was 5 1/2 years ago. This place has been making me ill the past few years so I totally understand how you feel.

My DC have been ill over recent years and I'm 99% sure that the dust/sand is not helping. DH has become depressed over recent years as his boss is a bully and it has been affecting the whole family.

When is the right time to go? We and so many other families have often said 'one more year'. But this turns into two, three..................... We were reaching breaking point and a few weeks ago DH handed his notice in. I am leaving in 2 weeks and he will be following a few months later. He has no job to go to, we won't have the luxury lifestyle/exotic holidays we have enjoyed over recent years. However, we will be together. Priceless.

I am sorry about your problems in your marriage and hope you manage to make the right decision for your and your children. Is there no one apart from ILs you could stay with in the summer. You surely cannot spend the summer/ramadan in Bahrain? Good luck. PM me if you want to 'talk' x

Must put in my four pennyworth,I love it here.My children spend more time playing outside here than the would at home because it is too wet and cold.Dont know where you swim but the pools at the Dilmun,Brit club etc are clean.Everyone is friendly and easy to make friends.St Chris is a fantastic school.My little one goes to little Gems,very happy there.Takes my husband 10 mins to get to work,no hour commute(if was in uk both be doing it)As for tanks and check points pleeeese -only about 3 left,hardly Syria.Do think you need to lighten up

I'm not sure anyone could pay me or DH enough to live in the middle East!!

Move home.

"kreecher, i suffer from anxiety attacks which started at xmas, doc said i ought to leave, but obviously that is not an option for some expat wives.
there is no point me going back to doc as what can they do, and dh says not to, its just me being dramatic and i should make the best of it. i have tried and i still can't think, after 2 years, of anything i like here."

Sorry but I think that is the key point. Camel you might love it (although my kids play outside in the UK even when it is wet/windy/cold etc.).
But if a Doctor said living somewhere was not good for you and you really needed to move, would your DH not do all he could to move? Mine would.

I cna relate to soemof what you say - the concept of an open prison and aimlessness of marking time. We did extend and spent a total of 4 years out of UK. It became easier as dc got older (dd was born there) but we always ahd the intention to go home - what was the plan you and dh had originally ?. tbh I doubt you will get your dh to up sticks easily if he is motivated by the money and perhaps fears coming back to nothing. Is hte drinking a long term issue or has he perhaps become ground down and depressed with his life there which he takes it out on you, using the drink to escape. Start making more definite plans to set yourselves up over here and you may gradually feel able to take control of your life again. Then discuss it when you are out of ME next time. Your lifestyle won't be the same but then he has to make a choice whether to be part of it.

Sorry but I think you sound clinically depressed, and lacking in a meaning for your life... and I don't think that it would be better in the UK. I think you are looking at life in the Uk through rose tinted glasses and imagining all would be fabulous in the UK in comparison.

Have you tried talking to a counsellor? Cognitive behavioural therapy? Or psychotherapy? Do you keep a journal and write in it things that you liked today for eg. Have you trained your mind to focus on the positives of where you live, not just the money etc, but the everyday positives?
Could you take an OU course in anything that interests you?

I don't think your Dh is being very supportive, but i think you are in a dark place emotionally and he only has so much energy for you, the family and work together. This probably won't change in the UK, he'll just be unemployed here, and quite possibly bitter.

have you tried antidepressants for a time? See how you feel?

Sorry I don't have more to say, you do sound very down to me, down a dark tunnel of despair, and I hope you find your life's purpose soon.

Think my husdand would probably say,what if we move to the UK,give up good school,job etc and you could still get panic attacks in the UK.No,at the end of the day i do understand Bahrain is very differant to Saudi and Bahrain isnt everyones cup of tea.However its not the rat infested hole as described.But if you sit around moping and smoking with just as glum friends all day,you will be fed up.

I think the key point is that you hate it there and want to leave - no amount of suggesting you try to enjoy life there will improve the situation, apparently. And your DH wants to stay. And that's that.

You two need to reach a compromise. Can you handle one more year, and will that satisfy him? You need to be concerned with each other's happiness, not just endlessly restating your positions (I hate it/ I love it).

If you can't reach a compromise over this, your marriage is in serious trouble. Because either you stay, and remain miserable and resentful and eventually reach breaking point, or you leave, and run the very real risk that he's not coming back with you, ever.

I once had to leave an expat life I loved b/c DH was miserable in his job there. But I don't want DH to be miserable, any more than he wants me to be. We went to a 3rd country that we chose together after much discussion and searching - and were very happy there.

What might the compromise be?

What Dorje says. I don't think it would get any better in UK, really, until you sort yourself out.

What if you drag DH back there kicking and screaming and it's not the land of milk and honey you have made it out to be in your mind? Our "posting" to the UK was our hardest - difficulty getting the kids into schools, being given notice twice on short term lets after six months, moving three times in a year. Sorting out DH's job. Paying tax, council tax, sky high bills, on a UK salary with no allowances. You say that your family and friends are scattered - it's not like you're going to be moving back to a cosy and familiar set up. I found making friends back in UK harder than overseas. Overseas everyone mucks in, you link up with people quite quickly, because everyone's in the same boat. Coming back to UK, and trying to befriend people who have lived there years and who have their own cliques already is no picnic.

And your comment on voluntary work, not wanting to use other people's misery to make you feel better?! I was thinking more about helping at Brownies, or listening to reading at school rather than running a shelter for the homeless, but if everyone felt like you, there would be no volunteers at all, would there?

How about starting a blog - lifeinthisshithole.blogspot.com? It might be cathartic to get it down on "paper".

OP, I really feel for you. I spent 6.5 years in a place I did not like and sometimes it was overwhelming. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that we had a house in the UK that I went back to with the kids every holiday so I could regularly get out. The fact that I had a bolt hole was a bit of a mental health saviour. Is this an option for you?

Your DH sounds like he is being a knob, TBH. Two years is a long time to stick at something in the hope that it works out. If you're so miserable that you're crying every day, what on earth could balance that out? You are entitled to be happy. It is also not up to him to decide whether or not you seek help from your GP.

Are you coming back to the UK in the summer? Could you tell your husband that you are going to spend your time in the UK considering all your options so that he can't bully you.

ok you hate it there and I can understand that. I have been places I wish I had not been or at least not for such a long time, such is life. NOt sure you have somewhere to go to, although the idea of being able to run to something better keeps you sane at times.

What I am not entirely clear about is what happens if you leave. So realistically now, can dh up and leave this job when the contract is due to finish and move without too much difficulty into the level of work he wants to do in the UK? Or is this going to be a problem?

If it is going to be difficult, how do you see a way around this? If you both return to the UK and he does not get work, are you going to work? You say you want to be a SAHM with the dc, you can be that where you are now, can you continue with it if the family goes back to the UK? (If you go back alone with the dc, you will presumably have to work since I didn't have the impression there was a lot of money to support two households). Maybe I am wrong.

So if you and dh go back now when the contract terminates, is this going to work out financially? That is going to the be the basis for any move. If not, can he go elsewhere overseas with this company that might be more congenial to you?

You need to know what exactly are realistic options for the family and on the basis of realistic options, you need to find out what dh would be willing to contemplate if you want to stay together in any sense as a family unit. You need at least one income and you know what, if dh is drinking I think he is a dark place too. Think it through as a logistic problem and then put it to dh but don't ask him to do the impossible - go back home with no job to go to IYSWIM.

MrsSchadenfreude agree with you (again) on the posting back to the UK - this was our hardest posting ever for exactly the reasons you state. Visiting is one thing ... living there and trying to make ends meet (especially in the current situation and being used to expat package living) is totally another.

Nunthewiser you are so right about the importance of having a 'bolt hole' I'd have gone insane over the past 5 years if I didn't have my house to go back to. I have a few friends here now who don't have their own houses and although they want to escape KSA for the summer staying with in-laws is hardly an escape

OP hope you are doing a bit better today x

i don't smoke, and i don't sit around with glum friends as someone suggested. dh doesn't love it here either, he sees it as ok as we earn money, its a job when there are not many in the UK.

thank you all for your opinions and for the helpful posts. we will see what happens- i go back to uk i won't have to work anyway, its about dh ending up in a job that he likes as well.

wouldn't leave my dc;'s with a maid whilst i wnet out volunteering, at brownies or whatever - they are too tiny and i don't trust to leave them. please don't jump on me for this btw! others do leave their dc's but that is their choice.

we have not been here so long and lived the expat life that we would go back and feel hard done by, no doubt there will be a solution soon..