Stuck in house alone every day with 5mo baby. Help.

[Miffster]

It's a bit of a nightmare to be honest. Came here so DH could work fewer hours and see baba, ( our 1st) but so far the hours are almost as bad - he's been working evenings, weekends and public holidays.

I have no friends here yet (arrived late March) and slim chance of making any as stuck here indoors - although have met a couple of women with babies at the communal pool, but they all have older kids too and are very busy. I only have 20-30 mins each day to try and 'socialise' at the pool though, since the pool is in full sun until 4.30pm, and later than 5.30pm DS gets vexed and needs to have bath/bedtime. I think I come across as exhausted and terribly anxious and stressed when I talk to new people as well. Because, well, I am. I am so tired I can't even think of small talk any more. I can't even think straight.

I have no car (yet). It is too hot/humid/sunny to take DS for walks after 8am and before 5.30pm. It is only going to get hotter.
I have a pram with a sunshield thing but it is so hot and stuffy underneath and he just cries if I take him out in it, plus I run with sweat after 5 mins and there are few if any pavements here.

All the advice on 'what to do with a 3/4/5/6 mo baby all day seems to be: get out, go for walks, attend M&B groups, go to cafes, etc etc. None of which I can do here, at least, not yet. I feel so trapped.

He is a bad sleeper and at the moment it's especially bad, 3 nights ago he got trapped in his hammock so since then has been cosleeping with me on mattress on floor. He is BF and kicks/bats/clambers on me all night for food. I have had almost no sleep this week which added to my sense of boredom and isolation and misery is making me feel dreadful.

He is a lovely little baby but I am so tired and it is just me and him, on our own, for 12-14 hours a day, not including the 20-30 mins in the pool, where sometimes I see other people, often not.

I can feel myself becoming more and more anxious and sad, and the thought of trying to make friends and keep going and putting on a happy face is very challenging. DH is stressed with the workload and can't really cope very well with me being so exhausted and tearful when he gets home.

I miss my life in the UK, the first 3 months with baby were very hard as he had reflux, but I had managed to make a small group of mum friends and there were parks, the cinema baby & parent film showings, streets to walk in, coffee shops, baby massage...plus my friends and family.

I think this place where we are is great for small children who can swim and run about in the fresh air and play but crap for small babies, who can't go out in the sun.

I just needed to rant. And I could do with some ideas.
I can't lie down and have a sleep while he sleeps either; until DH manages to get away from work to buy a cot DS is back in the hammock for naps, swaddled and requiring constant vigilance in case he rolls again.

Has anyone else been there done that and got some advice?

testing

Gosh, after reading your first post I wanted to tell you to just get on a flight and go home until the humid season ends. It sounds like you're feeling a mite better now but really, I mean it - why not get on a plane and try this all again in 3 months when it's not 40 degrees and high humidity, and DC isn't so small as to make doing anything a nightmare??? That's no joke with a tiny baby and no access to money or transport!! Leave DH to deal with his work and getting things ready for you for when you come back. Would 3 months apart really be worse than what you're going through at the mo? Why is your sanity and health allowed to be put on the line for a job? He and his work have to do more to make things more reasonable for you, or maybe it's not the right job after all.

It sounds tough but you can do things to make it easier for yourself- you need to get out once a day and if that means walking 3 miles to playgroup and 3 miles back- do it. It will structure your day and get you socialising.

Have you been on internet- try meetup.com and see if you can either start a meet up group or join one- there will be other mums seeking interaction- you just need one other mum to start with. Look on the google map for parks/etc in your local area_ and I mean within 3 miles which you can walk in 45 mins.

We can all sympathise on here but you are the one living that life and only you have the power to make it the best life you can with the resources you have.

Miffster, I will probably get my ass flamed to hell and back for this, but you need to get out and about, you're not in the UK and baby car seats probably aren't a legal requirement, especially not in cabs.

Put the baby in a close fitting sling like a Bjorn , and put the seatbelt between you and the baby. Hardly anyone in HK has a car, and this is how all the mums do it if they're getting taxis.

ps I really sympathise about the heat. We are in Asia, and DS has inherited DH's "Scottish" complexion. It's a PITA trailing a sweaty, grumpy baby around and FWIW no-one here would take a baby to an unshaded pool before 4pm so you're definitely not alone.

try and enjoy the early mornings when it is slightly cooler and with more shade, same as the evenings, make the most of them when the sun is down or less severe, babies are adaptable. Agree that people think it sounds great living with scorching sun all year round but can be horrible with young baby or children.

Is there any internet site/forum for expats there where you can ask other mums if they want to get together and meet at each others places for coffee and informal baby group? You sometimes have to really put yourself out there but there are always others in the same boat.

Get your car and it will give you more freedom and even a drive with aircon will take a way your cabin fever and let you wander round the air con malls and get a coffee.

Someone mentioned walking 3 miles to a baby group and back if you had to - can't think of anything worse for you or the baby in that kind of heat - make getting a car your priority.

Can you go to the pool early in the day? Presumably you are all up early anyway. Maybe try the pool around 8am or so for a while - you might meet some different people.

The car sounds like a priority.

Maybe when you get the cot up and if you take DS to the pool in the morning you can get into a routine of pool for an hour, back home for nap-time and you can get some rest then too.

Then you can potter about at home or if you get the car can go to an air-conditioned shopping centre for a wander etc before heading home for another nap for DS/rest for you and then pool again for a little bit in the evening.

The humidity is a killer. I lived in Bangkok and Vietnam. Am in Budapest now where it can get very hot but not humid.

Also, can you stretch out your son's daytime naps so he can stay up later in the evenings?

In hot countries you have to rest in the day and socialise in the cool evenings. Young children routinely start going to bed around 10pm where I am.

You are going to have to adapt.

Not sure if it is at all similar but... i live in brisbane where we get filthy hot and humid summers and dd who is now nearly 4 months was born in the hottest of hot humid weather. We have no aircon at home just fans and when i took her home it was one of the worst days of the year! she screamed and screamed all night.. lots of cooling coths and sitting next to a fan! but i decided that the no air con was a blessing as dd aclimatised very quickly. in contrast a collegue who has air con and a bub 2 weeks older didnt leave the house for months unless she was in the car or further air con as her bub screamed the moment it hit the real world! I sympahise with being lonely afer ds was born i had little social interaction! and def felt like a cling on everywhere i went! but i bit the bullet. went back to work and feel much more secure this time round! Plus everyone know the first bub is withput a doubt the hardest :0)

could you arrange a babysitter for say Friday or Saturday night so you and dh could go out together? I realise your baby is still very small and you are bf but you could try expressing milk, an occasional night out might do you a lot of good. I would ask those mothers at the pool for specific recommendations - "does anyone know a nice babysitter they could recommend? I am starting to go nuts cooped up all day indoors with the baby" (it doesn't sound too desperate really).

I would also have asked those mums if anyone had a cot I could borrow for a couple of weeks or buy second-hand since I didn't have a car to get out and pick one up yet and dh was swamped with work. Maybe someone could help you out. IME other mums are always an enormous help with practical things. If you say you are lonely and sad, people feel sorry for you but as you said they are busy and may not really know where to start. If you ask for something specific which people can help you with, they are often tremendously kind. And then you can repay their help in some way and that gets the ball rolling socially.

You could also ask about that baby group, if anyone has been there, where exactly it is etc Maybe someone else is going regularly and would take you along till you get your own car

Obviously I wouldn't ask all those things at once. To repay people for their kindness you could invite them round for a meal or whatever and start socialising like that

How are you feeling now op?

Thanks so much for all the kind advice. There are some really good ideas.

We had a manic weekend getting the cot and other baby stuff, and stuff we needed like a decent iron and vaccuum cleaner etc ( we have been on the island since march but only moved into the place we are now in a fortnight or so ago) and then trying to settle DS in the cot, which he still isn't really doing too well. So not had time to go online, and he has stopped napping during the day. Argh.

I did walk to the shops today, as it was muggy and overcast but no sun. It was like walking through warm treacle and the baby sobbed all the way home. He has just fallen asleep in his pram, all soggy but as he is so sleep deprived, I am leaving him - we will bath together when he wakes. It was nice to get out of the house.

Babysitter a no no at the moment as
a) he won't take bottles
b) he cluster feeds in the evening then is a bugger to put down and it makes me or DH if he at home at least an hour of rocking and shushing and often swadling etc to get him down, then if he wakes he wants boob and nothign else will do. So nobody else can look after him (yet) as he won't go to sleep or settle and I am not going to do it to the baby sitter, or DS - have him scream all evening. I couldn't enjoy myself with that going on anyway. He's only going to be small for another half year or so anyway, it's not the end of the world.

I am so tired anyway that trying to do anything that interferes with his sleep is getting to be not worth it because the payback in broken nights and days sleep is so awful. This weekend he missed almost all his daytime naps because we were shopping for necessary things. Lo and behold today he has not gone down at all from 4.30am until 1.15pm.

I do need to get some domestic help, there just isn't time to keep this place properly clean unless I run about like a maniac during DS all too short daytime naps. It's all white tiles which show every mark. Well, I could clean it, and have been trying to, but then I get no rest at all and given I'm up at 4.30am and getting woken to feed all night, it's not really working. DH has said he is happy to pay for a cleaner. I guess that could be a conversation starter - do you have a cleaner/agency you could recommend?

It is good to have a moan on here. It is literally the onluy place I can say how I feel.
I am jolly all day with DS and try to be more upbeat with DH in the evenings since he can't really deal with it any more.

My family are no good: I have tried to tell them how I feel in emails 'Gosh, it's pretty hard, I am bored and lonely most of the time, because I can't leave the flat because of the climate etc' and all I get back is 'so glad you are settling in! It must be lovely in the sun etc etc'. It's like they can't read what I write or won't acknowledge it. Weird.

Poor you - you sound like you are going through the really hard trudge of the sleep deprived months, but compounded with being in a strange place with a different climate.

Take care of yourself and post when you can. We love hearing about the horrors of the Caribbean! (I honestly DO understand...)

FWIW when I lived abroad it took me a few months to really acclimatise...

Miffster do you have a sling/baby carrier - just wondering if he would sleep in that as next to you? Then you could get some things done/go for a walk when cooler as at least you have your hands free. I had a baby bjorn (I know a lot of people don't like them) but it was the 'cool' one that helps a little with not making you both too hot - I live in Singapore so am aware of the issues with heat and humidity.

I also think though and hope you won't take this the wrong way - but you really do need to get out and be with some other Mums. I actually met lots more people here after having DS than I did before (mainly because I was working FT before that and very busy). Because you are away from home you need some other people to be your support network. I am still very close to all the Mums I met when DS was born and some of them have already gone back to the UK (or wherever they are from). We didn't have a car till DS was 2 and I took taxis or public transport pretty much everywhere with DS in his car seat to start with then in the carrier after 9 months. I suffered from PND and the only way through was by getting out of the house otherwise I'd probably still be there now! DS wouldn't take a bottle either (I spent a small fortune on different types of bottles and teats) and took a while to settle too so I know how you feel. I also was told (horror of horrors) to ditch MN and internet in general for a while as it was all making me feel much worse and more homesick and over analyse about DS more than I needed to.

Just speak to anyone with a child - they really won't mind (I certainly don't - I had a lovely chat with a Dad and his dd at our pool yesterday as he's not been here very long). Remember they were in your position once too. Even if you don't end up being the best of friends you may end up meeting some more like minded people through them.

Sorry to hear it´s no better yet.

Your ds will get used to the cot, gradually.

Have you contacted the playgroup organiser yet? IMO cleaning can wait! (but I'm a slattern). The idea about striking up a conversation asking for recommendations for a cleaner is good. In the meantime, I'd let the housework slide and concentrate on resting when you can.

Vent away all you like on here

It will pass! Once he stops feeding so frequently, and will take a bottle, you'll feel like a cloud has lifted, honestly.

Really prioritise that car, and a cleaner. I'm not sure where you are, but what's the deal with FT help (cleaning and childcare combined to give you a few hours a day to yourself)? or is that something you definitely don't want?

Thanks again for replies.

I do have several slings, but he won't sleep in themb ( he used to when he was tiny but not now, and at about 19lbs I'm not sure I could manage it for long anyway.) There is a limit to what I can do in the house wearing him in one ( I can't cook in it, or clean, or unpack or sit down) but I do stick it and walk round and round and round showing him things ( 'Look! It's a bottle of suntan lotion! etc) to calm him sometimes. Is too hot to take him out in one for walks like I used to do in the UK.

I do need to meet other mums yes. The trouble is the house arrest thing/no car/humidity as per upthread. I was all ready to go to the playgroup in a taxi and the landlord phoned to say workmen were coming to service the aircon and mend lights and the washing machine so I had to knock it on the head. Am going out to pool every day to talk to mums: a lot fo the time there is nobody there or there are children but no mums, they are being supervised by hired helpers.

On which topic, I don't really want to hand DS over to FT helper, I would just like some help with the cleaning and ironing and maybe someone to mind him while he naps for an hour so I can have a swim or go for a run or read a book or have a bath or something. I guess if I ever get his nap schedule sorted and once he is on solids then that will be more feasible...

I think TBH it's a combination of his age and stage, the fact that the first 3 months of his life were so shattering with reflux and no sleep and the fact that i am a first time parent who has got to a place with no support network and a hostile climate; it is a perfect storm of things which are stressful really, and once he is older/the humid season ends/he gets better at sleeping it will be easier.

It's nearly 4pm here, I have been trying to get him to have his late morning/lunchtime nap since 11am. He went down, then was woken by workmen sent by the landlord to mend the electrics ( which took them 3 hours wandering in every room where I was trying to feed and settle DS) then as soon as I got him down at 2.45pm the gardening service in the complex started charging about outside his bedroom with a huge electric leafblowing thing that sounded like a pneumatic drill, cue screams from the cot. I have just got him down again and am grinding my teeth.

It's nice to come on here and vent tbh, otherwise I think I would go mad. I know other people have a much more awful time but hey, it's not a competition. Typing this is helping me keep my temper and stopping me from breaking out the emergency cigarette in the drawer.

That comment about the hired helpers - it's not like I don't talk to them! I do talk to them, (and the children and the gardeners). It's just that they are all a bit unlikely to come out for coffee/start up a friendship/acquaintanceship/liftshare to playgroup etc etc.

Find a local woman who can help out, they are wonderful. (I know the Caribbean).

If you're a reader, you can take little breaks and read your books...(or sleep, paint, go online, whatever).

5 months, you cannot expect your baby to have settled yet, so go easy on yourself!

Miffster- Don't worry. I know what you mean. It's the same where I am. It's hard to go to classes where I'm the only mum and the rest are helpers because

a) They really just want to talk to one another in Tagalog
b) However friendly you are, it's pretty impossible to have an equal relationship, especially when they will only call you ma'am, answer your questions, but wont ask you anything back.

However, I would look at getting some help. Being overseas is different from the UK in that the boundaries between nanny and cleaner are often blurred and my understanding from women I know here who used to be where you are is that parts of the Caribbean are not dissimilar to Asia in terms of having the "helper" concept- someone who does a bit of both for you (some people have them doing FT childcare, some only use them for evening babysitting, and everything in between, so don't feel it's all or nothing- what you propose should be totally achievable)

Of course, what you really need to establish is, where are the mums when the helpers have the children out by the pool

Yes, still no mums to be found by pool. It has been muggy and overcast for 2 days this week so we walked to the shopping centre and hung out in coffee shop - but no mums and then went to the golf clubhouse ( the golf course is nearby) - no mums, only person in there with a child but hey. We got out the house.

Will go to pool again today, as I do every day and just keep looking. Am trying different times between 4 and 6 in the hope...

OMG Miffster you have my TOTAL sympathy - we returned from St Lucia in December and I was so happy to be home. It was so hard, but the worst thing of all was everyone thinking we were on one long holiday. HOWEVER it is ALWAYS hard at the beginning wherever you are AND IT WILL GET EASIER - I promise!
WHere are you? I will come back to this later, the Apprentice is just starting but I really hope I can help you. I might even know people on your island, depending where you are...

AAAAAGH I just wrote you a really long message which disappeared because MN has a bad habit of "not connecting"....Basically I wanted to say I did a search to find out where you were as it all sounded very familiar (esp the heat and humidity) but sad to see you are not in St Lucia as I have a few friends there I could have put you in touch with. However I am still totally sympathetic as have moved overseas twice with small children - to Islamabad with a 7-month-old and 2-yr-old and then to St Lucia when they were about a year older (having been evacuated from Islamabad just as we were settling in..).
You know this already but you really need to get transport sorted. Then you need to brainstorm every way/place possible to meet potential friends. There are lots of expats where you are, more than where I was, so hopefully you will find some with babies. Have you looked at the British Expat forum (I can't exactly remember what it was called)? Another idea - baby swimming lessons. It's a good social way to meet people.
Anyway sorry I am waffling terribly. I really wish I could do more to help but hang on in there, it will get better....

this one maybe

Well, yesterday there were some mums at the pool, unfortunately they turned up just as I had to take baba out as he was knackered and getting cross. I found one, who looks like a swimwear model, with a 6mo ( how has she doen that ??) and 2 older DCs and she is up fo rcoffee on Friday. So things are looking up!

Thank you very much for the link and the kind words strandednomore