Oh no....what have I done.....

[Corbs]

In desperate need of some "stiff upper lip" talking to about my current approach to life.....I'm married to an Aussie and we moved to Sydney 6 months ago for good, practical reasons. I am horribly homesick and doing all those things that I know I shouldn't - comparing things constantly with back home, continuing to read the Guardian on line, watching UK TV etc etc. Watching my DSs becoming Australian almost overnight is killing me and I have a horrible feeling I've done the wrong thing. My DH is incredibly supportive and has said that we'll go back if I continue to feel like this but he found it really hard to find good, interesting work in the UK. How long do you more experienced expats think it takes to "settle" or at least know that you have given a move your best shot? The lack of heating in Sydney rentals is not helping my mood at all......

I wouldn't give any thought to liking or not liking a place until I'd been there 6 months. At about a year I'd expect to feel more settled, but inevitably at the 2 year mark you realise you had no clue at just a year!

As to watching UK tv, etc - it often takes a lot longer to prefer another country's media - it's just full of personalities you don't know and references you don't get and politics you don't yet care about. That could take years - fear not.

Okay, you miss home. Some people do miss home a lot. But setting that aside for a moment, how is life in Australia going for you? And what exactly are you missing? I notice you didn't mention your family - unless they all work for the Guardian??

My dad moved to Brazil when I was 8 (my mum's Brazilian) and he told me once that he handled it by going back to the UK every year or so (sometimes with us, sometimes alone, depending on finances) to visit his mum, have a pint of "decent beer" at the local pub, read the Sunday newspapers and remember how awful the weather was!!! Then he was ready to go back home and have a caipirinha in the sunshine.

In your case, it sounds like your DC and DH are settling in, but you haven't found your place yet. Tbh, 6 months isn't really enough, I don't think. You need to be a little gentler on yourself... My sil spent a year in Belgium and is now in her 2nd year in the US and she didn't start to settle in and make friends until around 6 months in the first case, and almost a year in the second...

Do you have any friends or at least like-minded people you can meet up with there?

I did the same. It took me two years. 2 long hard years to feel happy here. I watched my kids turn into Australians and develop accents and I sat here wishing for London with all my might. Im settled now though and although some days the pangs return this is now home, Im just down the road (Newcastle) at least your closer to the Pommie shop ;)

I know I didn't mentioned my family 'cos of course they're all settling in wonderfully well which makes me feel all the more selfish....I'm missing all the usual things - family, friends etc but also just the feeling of England. I miss the bustle of London and feeling at the centre of things, the parks, the huge variety of people, things to do, quality of public debate but I know that most of all its the familiarity and I do understand (on a rational level) that I can't judge a place until I am more familiar with it but I don't want to be a complete misery guts while learning to become familiar. Not sure about anyone else out there but when I am feeling low, I know that that permeates throughout the family which makes me feel guilty and even worse. Keep telling myself what a great experience this is for us all but just don't really believe it at the moment......

Don't give yourself such a hard time. Migration is HARD. I read the Guardian etc, still do, but it is gradually being replaced by NZ media. I think you need to give it at least two years before you make a decision about whether to stay. Just try and enjoy the good things for now cos nothing has to be forever.

Being cold is bloody miserable and I find it has a big effect on my mood. Our first rental was just awful. If your place is heatable, spend some money on heating it. As you have probably discovered moving across the world is very expensive so invest a little in making it work by being reasonably comfortable in your home. I recommend Ugg slippers and hotties (hot water bottles) to get you through. I often sit with a hot water bottle on my knee in the evening and have lots of long cardi's.

I'ma big fan of Rove- not sure if he is on your TV at the moment.

Are you working or looking after little people?

Corbs I used to burst into tears if I saw the tube on the telly. I expected to miss family and friends I don't think I expected to miss he place so much. I missed the muddle of strangers the colours and creeds the smells of London. I missed my face in someones armpit. I missed the regular bus service. I even missed reading someone else's tabloid on the tube. It was the loss of everything that was quintessentially British.

I cant tell you what changed because I don't know. I had a light bulb moment this Christmas. We had eaten dinner and I was relaxing and It suddenly hit me. I was no longer miserable. I had good friends here as well as in the UK but most importantly I felt content. I was no longer putting a brave face on it and trying to be happy.

I say give it time although I am well aware its not for everybodyxx

Cjdamoo - you've got it exactly! How long did it take until your lightbulb moment?

Well I arrived Nov 8th 2008 and my lightbulb moment was christmas day 2010....

Hi. I'm in NZ and have been here just over two years. I think NZ is a bit more British than OZ (although I have not been to Australia so basing that ust on assumptions). So it may be a bit easier to settle here.
It took me a year before I started to make my own friends and now have a group of mates that I can turn to for anything. This has made a huge difference as I found lonelyness to be a big killer in the first few months.

I found that I had to start building my own life, not just concentrating on my girls and DH. Once they were settled and happy (which took very little time really) I then began to work on what I wanted.

I am working now and really feel a part of this place and the work life balance we have here was not achievable in the UK so we are all much happier. I think it has taken us two years to feel fully at home. I still get the occassionally burst of homesickness, for my family mainly and like you it takes ages to get the humour and TV programmes. I would not move back now. This is our home.

I was the other way around. We have been here for 5yrs in June. I ma now horribly homesick & we are making plans for a holiday, looking towards a permanent move back.

I loved it here, still do. Up until Feb this year, there was NO budging me.....now tho . And worse it, I have no idea why it suddenly came on! But I am heartbroken at the prospect of not seeing certain people again, or watching certain children grow up.

Dh has been awfully homesick since we got here. He just can't settle but does his best to fight it, for mine & the girls sake. Now he knows how I feel he is & is happy to be saving for the future.

6mos is prime homesickness time.

this too shall pass, and all that. and if it doesn't, well, nothing is irreversible. but keep busy for another year and see how you go

friends of ours decided to head back to the uk, and went back for a visit to get everything sorted out. two weeks later and they have decided they aren't homesick at all, they just needed a holiday. visiting the uk took the rose tinted specs off.

but def too early to make any long term decisions. honestly.

prioritise yourself for a while - the kids are fine. we always put ourselves last.

Where are you Corbs?

I'm just about to start a thread to sort some sydney meetups.

I had a bit of trouble at the beginning when I was at home on my own (and was planning to get up the duff so there was no serious work searches planned) I volunteered at the local vinnies and did some local WEA/tafe courses. For me though it was more about just getting out of the house rather than home sickness, so probably not much use.

ohh just read adwoman, yes put yourself first, I like that.

6 months is such early days, it will get easier OP. Hang in there for two years. By then you will feel much more at home and you will know people and have started making friends.

Use the holidays to travel and have adventures so that if you do go back you have lots of good memories to look back on.

Also get some portable electric heaters- it is miserable being cold.

In my experience 3-6 months is when you start to realise just how different the country you're in is to home (before then it's like an extended holiday). I agree hang in there and try your best to be positive. I've seen a lot of women decide they hate my sandpit and just get stuck never seeing the plus points.

6 months really is the classic time to feel gripped with homesickness.

I've been here (Oz) for almost 5 years and looking back to my first year I truly believe I was a bit mad for quite a lot of the time. I was really miserable and lonely - lots of people to see but no real mates iykwim.

At about a year I began to feel much more sane, then at 2 years definately a lot more settled and happy. Now Australia feels like home, I'm still most definately a Pom, but I don't (well, much more rarely) have that awful misery of homesickness.

Stick with it OP, it will get better.

I've been a similar time overseas too, not Oz but also Southern hemisphere (and it doesn';t help to be COLD in a shoddily built house built for sunny days..) i try to put a brave face on it, moan to dh (too much) and talk (too) openly to locals who have lived overseas as I don't like to hide things, however, i'm properly coming over a right whinging pom so should rein all this in. It is a kind of madness - I find it SO hard at times quite how alien everything is - phone network, bureacratic & school systems, shopping, media, culture (or seeming lack of..)/ Was desperate to come here, am now desperate to go back to the UK, so much for seizing the day etc etc

let's hope it gets better for both of us, sounds hopeful from the feedback from expat oldtimers on here.

I did it the other way round - moved from NZ to France with my French husband. I agree with the others, it definitely takes about two years to feel halfway settled (though this is a gradual process and you won't feel as bad as you do now for the whole time), plus another year or two after that to feel like you have a solid circle of friends.

I think when it is bad you just have to keep plodding on putting one foot in front of the other, and have faith that it will pass. And obviously keep making the necessary efforts to make friends etc. Before we moved to France my DH came to NZ for 5 years and every day he used to imagine in his mind the streets of the place we had left. It was terrible, but he did gradually stop and feel more at home.

As for media, if the Aussie media are anything like the Kiwi ones you will probably always prefer the Guardian!! My DH installed a massive (2 metre) satellite dish in our garden in NZ just so he could receive one French channel, and actually being connected to home in that way made a big difference to him. So don't feel guilty about that, but maybe start making an effort to incorporate some Aussie media as well.

Agree with the others about spending money on heating... this was really important to my DH in NZ, and once we bought a place we spent quite a bit on installing insulation, double glazing and good heating.

The other thing I tried to remember in France was that because we both come from opposite ends of the world, one of us has to be on the wrong side of the world - so if it's not you it will be your DH.

Wow, differentnameforthis, that's amazing - after 5 years, you get a new bout....how are you feeling about moving your DDs after so long....that's another thing that freaks me out. My DSs get settled and happy and then after 2 years, I don't settle and have to uproot them....or are happy kids able to do multiple international moves and stay happy? I'm in Greenwich abithormal which may also be part of the problem - I don't actually think it's right for us and we're thinking about Lilyfield/Rozelle which is what my DH first suggested which brings me onto the whole separate subjecy of why I never listen to my DH.....OMG I really am a whinging pom - specially when all the Aussies around me keep telling me how happy I must be to be in Oz. Am now mentally pulling up my socks and heading out tomorrow to buy a multitude of heaters......

I've lived in France for 20 years and I definitely still read English newspapers! You don't stop being English (or whatever nationality/culture you are from) because you live in another country.

If there are material aspects to your life you really miss and make you feel as if your standard of living has dropped (eg heating), you need to try to find them, even if they are not part and parcel of life in your new country.

It took me a good two years to get used to Australia and then I came home and like everyone i've ever spoken to about it I was not even through Heathrow before I thought what have I done :(

Hi Corbs, agree with other posters that it takes a year or two. There's definitely a honeymoon spell, then a big downer where you realise the differences and then a settling period. I'm in year 2 this time around (been here before....) and still get huge bouts of homesickness so strong I have to stop myself heading to the airport - but then the next day we have a lovely time and the beach and I never want to leave! I do still come on MN though, and rely on the BBC news - but more because the quality of world news is better there than here.

As for multiple moves to and from Oz, well, it's sufficiently common for the Ozzies to nickname them Ping-Pong Poms!

Apparently people do get homesick, go back to the UK, then realise that Oz is actually way nicer and move back etc. And children generally cope pretty well - I know a few people who moved a lot as children (parents' jobs usually) and, if anything, they are among the more mature, secure and open-minded of my friends - learning how to make new friends etc set them up well for the rest of their lives. I think as long as you are a constant in your children's lives, they will cope.

This is all sooo helpful - I've never "chatted"before and it's so lovely to get all this helpful advice......Ishani, tell me more about why you chose to go back and then regretted it. Have never heard of Ping-Pong Poms - what a fantastic term.

The grass always seems greener when you are so far away doesn't it ? I used cry watching the grand national for example because that seemed so English, haven't been horse since I got back though.

I found the quality of life so much more accessable to normal people in Australia, I got tickets for the Melbourne open for example, can you imagine walking up to the box office and picking up tickets for Wimbledon, I can't.
I know property is ridiculously expensive and that would put me off now i suppose, but the weather means you actually get a good weekend to enjoy 5-6 months a year and your children will be outdoors more than here.

I'd think at somewhere between 6 months and a year you might be identifying some people who might become friends, finding rituals and routines that you like about your new home, and starting to see a 'path to happiness' IYKWIM. I know that seeing a path to happiness ain't happiness! But it is a start, and will make you feel more hopeful.

Do you have any inklings of how you might enjoy life in Australia?

I understand you....my DH is Aussie too. We gave it a shot in Adelaide and I spent a miserable year there. I DID try....I found places and things which interested me...made some mates....tried to get on with MIL and SIL but the weather and the social differences did me in and we came back.

If your DH is willing to return then do it. Do you want to be homesick when you're 70?