Oh no....what have I done.....

[Corbs]

In desperate need of some "stiff upper lip" talking to about my current approach to life.....I'm married to an Aussie and we moved to Sydney 6 months ago for good, practical reasons. I am horribly homesick and doing all those things that I know I shouldn't - comparing things constantly with back home, continuing to read the Guardian on line, watching UK TV etc etc. Watching my DSs becoming Australian almost overnight is killing me and I have a horrible feeling I've done the wrong thing. My DH is incredibly supportive and has said that we'll go back if I continue to feel like this but he found it really hard to find good, interesting work in the UK. How long do you more experienced expats think it takes to "settle" or at least know that you have given a move your best shot? The lack of heating in Sydney rentals is not helping my mood at all......

My eldest is, having come here shortly before her 3rd birthday. She is easy, I know that she will miss friends (if our holiday becomes permanent) and I do hate the thought of that. I don't know, it tears me apart, but for her to be happy....I have to be too. And I am, but also I am not.

Dd2 was born here, not yet 3. I don't know how she will handle it.

But I am feeling it will be OK. Hopefully, in time they will both know that ultimately it was what we had to do for all of us. And it won't be something we take lightly. I am prepared for their heartache. Because it is something I believe in enough, does that make sense? Like, I can be strong because I have enough faith to know what I am/will be doing is the right thing!

But as I said, I sailed through that last 4+years. And it hit me. Really hard. I wasn't prepared for it to happen that way!

WhiteBumOfTheMountain

That's kinda my fear now! This has hit so hard that I can';t imagine it leaving me. I have a wonderful god daughter in the UK who has a charming little boy I have never met. I miss him, and I don't know him. I miss her. Like I can't believe. I have known her since she was 2 & we are so very close. She has a useless mum, and when she writes to me, so full of pain, it kills me!

I miss my dad, he is getting older. I am a Daddies girl & it is hurting that I may never make it home to see him if he gets ill.

I love it here, but I can't help how I feel. The way people go on, about how it is better here, for the kids etc...maybe, but life is what you make it. I'd rather be out in the UK, in the pissing rain, than out over here in 38+ heat. That restricts you more than rain!

But these are simplistic reasons. The only ones I can vocalise. Because I really don't know what caused this. I just have a need to be back.

Also, the fact that many Australian teens/early 20s leave to travel Europe etc & never come back...it terrifies me. That dd's will want to be out of here as teens & that will be it. But I will be stuck here, without them. I can't imagine that.

I can't imagine the what ifs, for the rest of my life. I like the UK. I can live there. I like it here, but my heart obviously lies over there!

re kids and multiple international moves - mine are 11, 9 and 7 and have never lived in one place for longer than two years. they make friends easily, are all top of the class natch, and are quite well adjusted, honest!

we're in canada and staying. at the moment anyway. their godmother moved to melbourne last august so she's hitting the prime wibble point too. (and is also freezing)...

i do find it helps to think flexible though. it might be a pita to have to uproot and move again, but it is a possibility at the end of the day. nothing has to be permanent. that way you can kind of think a bit sensibly without feeling trapped. no-one has cemented you in.

OP it is your gamble. I agree that the heat over there is shocking...really rstrictive ad I didn't like a lot of the sexism and rascism which I saw....I couldn't have my DDs among some of the attitudes we encountered.

It IS a stunning country...but I always say it is a mans country. It's about outdoors life, sport and beer.

I KNOW ther is culture...but it's not what we have here. The schools too....I wanted mine t have a UK education...yes our house is smaller but at least my family is down the road a few miles!

I almost split us up tbh as my DH wasn't as understanding as yours....but I stood my ground and basically hated it enough to want to go hme with or without him.

t was painful for DH as he loves Oz...w have compromised by planning to spend every SUmmer hols there with his parents.

Imo it is a small price to pay.

I agree with whitebum re the education. I want that too...but it is more because they don't really do world history here the way they do in the UK!

I have a need for my children to now their heritage. They won't, over here.

I only know that my Aussie DH has no knowledge of any of the world wars or any social history..not only talking about the indigenous people of Australia but about ANY social history.

He went to a school in a far better socio economic area n Oz than I did inthe UK too!

Exactly whitebum! Dd1 is already interested in WW2 as her Grandfather on her dad's side flew bombers. She asks about it a lot & while we tell her what we can, she will learn SO much more in the UK than we could ever tell her.

Dunno....just want to have what I had. And it pains me that I didn't see all this at the time. But if we do end up back there for good, at least we have all had one hell of an experience!

We lived in the Netherlands for 5 years. Moved out for work, moved back for work. It is a short distance but of course a completely different language/culture. Many of my colleagues were expats so there was lots of talk about what it is to be expat.

Some thoughts from my expat colleagues:

• one collleague talked about expectation. His Irish wife had suffered no pangs in Indonesia because she had expected it to be different from home. She suffered huge pangs when they moved to NL as because it was close to be home she was shocked by what were in fact far smaller differences.
• some colleagues built for themselves a mini France/Spain/Poland whatever. This helped them to feel at home while abroad.
• one colleague used to go out once a month with a fellow national and get absolutely hammered somewhere very private where they could rant about the locals. She said she found this very helpful!

During our first year we had a major wobble through ill health of our parents. We thought to move back and told DD1 that we were thinking of doing this. She was heart broken. We hadnt realised how much she had settled into the Netherlands.

Six months is the worst. Being an expat in the early days is like being on a rollercoaster, all ups and downs. The problem is that you and your family arent on the same track, your ups and downs dont match.

How can you see it before you get there OP? You can't....for me it was a lack of social knowledge. Like when my DD began school in the UK...I knew exactly what to expect re lunch, party traditions, May Day celebrations etc...in Oz nothing was the same.

It was weird. Healtcare made me feel anxious as I didn't undertand what was the norm re health visitors etc and I did not feel that what was on offer was as good as what we have in the UK.

People are left to their own devices healthwise more in Oz I think...less social care or something.

I didn't like relying on MIL for all the info...it's not you own Mum is it?

Fabulous comments all - very relieved to hear stories about older children moving happily. I think I've been making my homesickness worse by thinking that I didn't have any choices - ie that now we've done this enormous move, it can't be reversed without hurting the kids but they're actually pretty resilient aren't they? If I look at it as a 2 year trial then it feels better. I second all the things about the kids and education - again I didn't factor in how alienated I would feel in not understanding the 'ways" of Australian school life. Thinking more rationally I have to say that I feel far safer with healthcare here - our GP practice in London was a nightmare - the kids are already better swimmers than I'll ever be and seeing my DSs spending time with their very large Australian family has been great.....all even better if we're living happily back in the UK before secondary school!!

It's at times like this I wish I was the sort of person who'd just married the guy next door and stayed in my home town but I had to look for a more "interesting" life didn't I.....careful what you pray for to all those mumsnetters out there who are thinking that their domestic life is dull, you could end up on the opposite side of the world wishing for a dank, grey day, East Enders on the telly and someone complaining about the weather....

Hi there, it is hard moving but you have to adapt and really try and avoid comparing, because comparisons is what makes you homesick. No two countries are the same, even when people say that they are. Lifestyles are different, cultures are very different, peoples sense of humour is unbelieveably different.

Where we live now is very sparce in comparision to whatwe had in the UK. If you want something, you have to buy the only one you see, irrespective of the price, there and then, otherwise it has gone and you wont get a second chance. this was hard. But time has passed by, it has been hard and I would never return to the UK now.

I do miss my family, I miss decent shops, but I enjoy my new life. My only concern is the education so I am keeping up with home tuition to support their fun time at school. (I rely on Mumsnet teachers to direct me to appropriate material and they have been absolutely fantastic with their support)

I think the most important thing is to find something for you to do to occupy your time when alone so that you are not reminiscing and worrying. Are there any places you can arrange to meet people. You do have to force yourself onto people a bit. People are very singular and dont naturally include new people so its up to you to go out of your way to be included.

I didnt realise SYdney was cold but I fully understand about lack of heating, especially when you have had radiators and constant warmth. I never expected to go back to my childhood days of having wood fires as our only source of heat. Chopping trees, branches to make logs and stacking is a whole new world.

To help you think through your dilemma, write a list of likes and dislikes. How can you fix the dislikes. If you go home too soon you may regret not giving your new life a chance. So many people stay in one place their whole life. You have made the first step to do something different, so try and embrace it. May be move to another part of Australia or even a different country to try before giving up.

Goodluck,
Am always happy to chat.

Corbs, whilst I totally get what you mean about being careful what you wish for (and to a certain extent I too think I should have thought MUCH more carefully about the consequences of marrying someone from so far away - isn't hindsight a wonderful thing) I do also think that Australia is a fantastic place to live, and grow up.

And regarding the point made further up the thread re education. Of course our children will get a different historical perspective than we did, but the way I see it is that my kids have the enormous advantage of having me for a mother. I'm interested in European history and Art and Culture and GODAMMIT I'll make sure they get a large dose of it too. Even if we stay in Australia we'll travel regularly to Europe and they will visit Italy and France and London. They will understand the there are cultures that have a history (not counting Australias Indiginous population of course) longer than 250 years.

I think you can go on about the relative benefits and disadvantages of England vs Australia and really the only solution is where your heart is. But it is very important to feel that A) you have choices in any situation and B) you have given each option your best shot.

PS you know you're really homesick when you're longing for England gloom and EastEnders

I agree with what nothingnatural says.

My kids have a far better life where we are compared to what they would have had in the UK. There are so many sporting opportunties for them to at least try, and it doesnt matter if they are no good or not. In the UK they were not allowed to join a club if they were no good at that particular sport, so they didnt know if they had potential or not. Where we are now, they have tried all sorts and lo and behold have natural talents for lots of things that I would never ever had even considered back in the UK.

Life is what you make of it, no matter where you are in the world.

I do get depressed and very lonely and have to make the effort to snap out of it but there are people around me always available to help and support me, I am just very bad at accepting their support.

Why is the school life an issue, what happens there?

Roadart, there are no issue with Australian schooling on a basic level. Just a few of us mum realised that they don't really teach world history like UK schools tend to.

Obvious now, really! But not something you think of at the time of emigration if your children aren't yet at school. The curriculum is very different.

I am also concerned about there being no national curriculum here either.

It took me a couple of years after we moved to the US to start feeling slightly settled. By the 5-year mark I felt like the US was 'home', but I still missed the UK and loved coming back for holidays, and after six years we moved back to the UK for good.

We'd always intended to move back here after five years or so and by the time we actually did it I really liked my life in the US. I had great friends and felt really settled - but I'm VERY happy to be home and I love that my DS is growing up a little English boy. He was just starting to speak when we left the US and I hated hearing my baby speak with an American twang. My DH is American, but fortunately he's always wanted to live long-term in the UK and I held him to that!

I suppose the sport thing might be an issue for some, but it is a very rare child who ends up as a pro. So to me it doesn't matter....talent will out whether its a big part of their life or not.

I know my DH felt that the sports in the UK were not as good...but then he looked honestly at our DDs who aren't sporty anyway and realised it wasn;t as important as it might be.

The isse with healthcare might be a biggie if you've come from London..we lived there before DC and I remember the awful hospital I was seen at for antenatal visits...then we came back to Cheshire and it was such a relief to be in a good hospital...so it depends what you're used to.

I think Oz can be great...maybe myproblem was with Adelaide...it felt like such a backwater.

It does feel like a backwater, doesn't it! It didn't used to bother me too much, I loved the slow pace, the peace etc.

But after a while, you have been to the museums, you have done the tram rides, been to the beach house etc. That's it!

It seems everything goes to Melbourne, or Perth. Then you have the Gold Coast. There is nothing here really...you get the show once a yr for a week, where you pay over inflated prices.

There is no history.

Nothing really happens here. And if it does, you have to pay $$!

Yes - thinking about education, I have to say that one of the things driving me away from the UK last year was that my elder DS had been at primary school for 2 years and the level of homework was already concerning me!!...at 6 years old!! Lots of my friends with older children had horrendous stories about quantitites of homework whlst people I knew in Australia seemed to have a very different experience. Since being here I have to say that my DSs are coming on in leaps and bounds with reading and maths with hardly any homework - well just a level that I think is fine ie a bit of homereading and some simple maths with nothing at the weekend. I'm not yet up to a level where I'm concerned about history etc although if it is limited, that will certainly concern me.

corbs Sydney meet up thread here if you're interested.

I'm a kiwi and have been 'permanently' in the UK for just over 2 years now. Just this afternoon I was day dreaming about being back in Melbourne! (lived there for a couple of years before coming to UK for first time 5 years ago.) There was no particular reason for it that I could think off (other than maybe because my sister has just been to visit and that's where she lives).

I do love it over here or I never would have agreed to come back after DH found living in NZ to hard. However I do still find myself missing both countries from time to time. Especially in Winter and all my family are enjoying the sunshine. I'm beging to realise I'll always do this no matter where I live (grass is greener type thing maybe).

We have talked about moving to Australia in the (distant) future, and I think knowing that where we are doesn't have to be forever does help me keep sane when things are going completely pear shaped.

OP there is some history there..but what I noticed is that it is not cherished at all...no blue plaques for instance. I dont think the history they DO have has been promoted much.

As a country they're very concerned with the "now"....being young and growing....they don't look to the past much.

The history which fascinated me is that of the first arrivals i Adelaide...the only clony not a penal colony. It was set up for the gentry and yeomen farmers....so it has always been different to Melbourne and Sydney in that there were no convict ships there.

The immigrant museum is rather good...

Other than that I did some work with indigenous youth over there and that IS rewarding.

I also recomend getting into the countryside as often as poss if you have not already...different world!

I hope you're not too put off by my boring Anglophilia!

Oh God, now I'm totally depressed about being here. It IS SO BORING. You're absolutely right WhiteBum and Diffname. It is so provincial and dull. Aaargh bollocks.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.