Husband offered job in Dubai. Unbiased arguments please.

[Betti]

My DH has been offered a job based in Dubai but as it's sales he will spend 3 weeks each month travelling. The salary is huge (3 times what it is now) so this is a life changing opportunity.

My dilemma is this. Do we all uproot (3 children aged 8,5 & 2) and spend 3 years in Dubai and see daddy for 1 week every month or do we stay here in our normal routine with our friends and see him for probably 4 days a month and spend school hols in Dubai with him.

The package offers us a beach front appartment with housekeeper, gardener etc. Private school fees for children paid for.

What are the schools like in Dubai and will it be a problem for them when they come back and go back to state schooling?

Is it easier for us to stay in UK but not see daddy very often. How will that affect them? Also how can i be sure our relationship is strong enough to survive not seeing one another?

My heart says go....have a ball for 3 years....it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.....we can pay off our mortgage and be debt free but if DH isn't around very much we'll be very much on our own. My head says stay here.....the children are hapoy and doing well at school....you've got friends and family around, but we'll be pretty much living as a single parent family.

Is money really that important?

I'd really appreciate your opinions as my friends and family obviously want us to stay.

Thank you so much xx

Also posted on WWYD.

id go in a shot if it was me, I really liked it there but tbf I was only there for a holiday. What is the saying, you only regret the things you don't do, not sure that is the correct saying but you get my meaning? I moved to Italy last year, just me and dd. I know that if I hadn't taken the plunge I would always regret it and say what if? Do it!!!!

My gut instict is a very loud 'no', but it would be that way for anywhere in the middle east.
Do you want to go? If you both do, then you might as well as give it a go.
If you get there and don't like it, how easy would it be to return home?

Well, there are many many factors to consider; one is that your DC are great ages for learning a new language with complete fluency, and Arabic is an excellent one to have.

I know Dubai can be a bit of an expat goldfish bowl, but still a fabulous opportunity to expand your DCs' cultural horizons.

I'd go, if I were you - it's only three years.

I would have to say no. The treatment of the immigrant workers who are enticed by 'high' wages is abominable. The place wouldn't function without them but they are treated worse than vermin.

Knew someone who lived in Dubai because of DH work, she always said she felt really cut-off. If you are happy being quite self-sufficient as a family and enjoying the weather/money etc, fine, but if you need friends/family/community spirit then you might really miss that.

Hmm... well I have just moved from Dubai and am missing it terribly. Will try to keep it unbiased!

Here are my thoughts:

1. No amount of money is worth being apart from your husband. Your kids relationship with their father will grow distant. At first it will be really hard, but then you get used to it and you all function quite happily apart from one another. This is NOT healthy for any relationship. My expereience of this was a father who was often working abroad for large parts of my childhood, and also because for the last 6 months in Dubai my husband has been working away for weeks at a time. It. Is. Hard.

1. Have a ball for three years... hmm, yes, maybe. Dubai is just another place. You'll still have to do the supermarket shop, clean up vomity children, find something to do at the weekend, sort out the broken gas cooker etc. You don't have any friends there yet, or any family. I was lucky and made a great group of friends before dh started working away, and without them I don't know how I would have managed. Swimming pools and maids ARE fantastic, no denying that, but they are not as essential as other things in life.

1. Dubai itself. Well - it's a funny old place. You might like it, you might not. I loved my life there, but that life mostly comprised of the small group of friends I made, and going out into the desert, camping, that sort of thing. It will be harder to do things without your dh around.

1. The money - yes, your salary will be huge compared to UK, but your expenses will be vastly increased too. Dubai is an expensive place. You WILL be better off of course, but you will not be dressing your 2yo in Ralph Lauren, or driving a solid gold car.

1. Things are very changable out here in the ME. He might not end up traveling for 3 weeks at a time. He might. Nothing is ever certain until it has already happened.

1. There are some decent schools, as long as sport is not massively important to your children. You need to get on the waiting list NOW IMMEDIATELY. They are massively oversubscribed.

Oh - and re ninedragons Arabic idea - ha! Not in Dubai. You'll be lucky to meet a single Emirati while you're there.

It's a good place to leard Hindi or Tagalog though .

Check tax implications very carefully if hes coming back every month for a week he will be taxed meaning the 3x (tax free) salary will not be.

HocusPontus also makes a good point. It's not a great place to bring up children for that reason. IT is a moral vacume.

dcs have Arabic lessons 4x a week

I very much doubt they will ever be fluent though

Does the job come with a debenture for schooling?
JESS is a closed waiting listIts still despite the hoardes of expats being made redundant a trial to get into a good EC/BC school.

Really? My friend's two DCs are completely fluent. She raves about their school, though - no idea which one it is.

Beachfront apartment with a gardener ? Where would that be then?

sorry am picking through your OP
remember that Dubai in the summer holidays is awful (40-50 degrees) you will not want to be there then.

Wow, thanks everyone. Some great arguments and so much to think about.

The hot weather and having 'domestics' are enticing but if it really is that difficult to get the children into good schools, I would have to stop and think again. I had heard that the schools are excellent so i was thinking, what the hell have we got to lose....sunshine, swimming pool, maid, fantastic schools, lots of money.........basically all a bit materialistic.

The reality seems like we might not get into a good school. What then? I might well be a 'single parent family' in a country where i have no support network. The weather maybe too hot to actually enjoy it. My house in the UK (which i adore) will have to be rented and possibly be trashed.

Hmmmm, lots to ponder. Maybe staying here and travelling over in the school holidays will be a compromise providing DH can be with us during this time. I've reached that crossroads in life, just wish i could see into the future to see which path i should take.

I have gone, and regretted I didn't stay home. Mind you, the place was wonderful (not Dubai) but we all were very very lonely.

I thought that we would split, with time, if I decided to stay put, but we have anyway, the difference is that I would have preferred to split in a familiar place where I had a good network of support.

"what the hell have we got to lose?"

Family, friends, part of yourself ie. your previous personal history and any characters that shared it until you moved, a sense of belonging. Knowing that your friends are going to stick around for a while and not being regularly transfered to other locations.

However, I have only got thereafter about 5 years so you may be back by then (if he is not given another substantial job offer that keeps you there or send you further away).

If he was going to be there most of the time, I would say go, but going there when you are only going to see him one week a month... I'll rather be on my own with children in a familiar area than in a completely new one.

If you DH was at home with you in Dubai all the time then i would say yes, GO. But if he is away 3 weeks out of 4 then you wont be with him much. Its seem maybe better to stay put and take kids out to stay in holidays. . .after all you get loads of school holidays. Half terms too !

The schools are not "excellent". There are some very good ones, and some not so good.

The "very good" ones tend to get that label on account of academic results, rather than all-roundedness. Rule out the very best schools. You will not get a place there.

Commuting can be a bit of a mare so people often choose a school near them. The buses pick children up from 6am onwards, and some children spend up to 2 hrs on the bus before their school day starts.

This is not universally the case though. We lived a 10 minute drive / 30 minute walk from a decent school that dd was only on the waiting list for about 8 months to get into.

Dubai is a big city and the same rules apply to it as apply to any big city. There are good bits and bad bits and normal life goes on. Good schools and bad schools, good teachers and bad teachers.

I really don't mean to be negative - as I said, I LOVED my life in Dubai and I am missing it terribly. But you need to be realistic. You are not going on holiday.

Can't believe I nearly missed putting my tuppence worth in on a Dubai thread- phew!

I lived there for a year pre-DC's and quite liked it. I wouldn't say I loved it but I'd move back there if it was for a pre-determined amount of time not exceeding 3 years. Personally I think I'd have enjoyed it more if I'd had children as it's easier to meet people.

Pluses

• It's pretty safe- violent crime is low
• The weather is great for 8 mths of the year
• You can get help with the housework/children very affordably, but be aware that these will be live-in. Not everyone's comfortable with that.
• No income tax
• Can speak English everywhere- no language issues

Minuses

• The weather is too hot to hang around outside for 3/4 mths of the year. A large proportion of expat mums decamp back to home country for the whole of the summer holidays
• Living costs are expensive, although if you're sure the package includes an apartment and schooling on top of a 3x UK salary (which is more like 5x as there's no income tax) you probably will be better off. Cars are cheap and petrol is practically free
• Weirdly, because the expat population is so big, I found it less friendly than HK where the expat population is tiny.
• The bureaucracy and difficulties involved in getting things fixed etc can really really do your head in.

I wouldn't worry about being there on your own as there are a lot of wives in your position- for a start there are something like 15,000 Emirates crew living in Dubai.

For me, I love Dubai for the simple reason that our quality of life has improved drastically and by that I mean - a)DH has a 15min commute by car (rather than 1.5hrs by train/tube) and can sit and have breakfast in the garden before work/get home in time to see our son before bed b)I don't have to work so can be home with our 4mo and c)it's made us both get out and do things we wouldn't have done at home (I go to coffee mornings, am studying part time, DH does triatholons and is learning to sail). We are very very happy here - does that make me biased?!

Try expatwoman.com for more information. I say give it a go I couldn't bear to see that little of my DH.

i would do it without a doubt,no hesitation.

we've gone for your second option, but our children are older (14,11 & 8) - the eldest and youngest are very happily settled in outstanding schools and the middle one has got a place at an outstanding secondary for next year

we have family very nearby (next road) which means I have a lot of support and the dc are close to their cousins

ds2 has (mild) special needs but the impression we got from schools in Abu Dhabi was not wildly welcoming

ds1 is exceptionally talented at sport and there is no provision in Abu Dhabi for him to train at the level he's currently at

And for the first nearly 3 years of dh working out there, it was allegedly 'temporary' - 6 months, stretching to a year, then more and more and it's only relatively recently become obvious that it's open-ended - so we've all got used to the status quo :(

dh comes home when he can and we go out most school holidays, but it's obviously not a 'normal' family life

However, in your position with younger dc and a defined package for your dh from the beginning I'd probably go for your first option

Generalhaig....how do you cope with not seeing each other. You obviously have complete trust in one another. As someone said in an earlier post....you get used to not having your DH/daddy around. I'm worried that the children will be affected by not having a male influence.

I'm also worried about the school situation. They are in an outstanding primary school at the moment and i would want them to go to at least the equivalent in Dubai but I wouldn't want them having to spend hours commuting too and from school.....they are too young.

Baggedandtagged....thank you for your insight...really helpful. I change my mind daily.....no make that hourly!

In a previous life, I provided HR services for employees and their families transferred from their home country to another host country. UAE was part of my patch.

You need to ask yourself two questions: 1) Could we live the expat life and 2) if answer to first question is yes, could you live it in Dubai.

You are getting distracted with the advantages of Dubai over answering the fundamental questions about living away from your support network.

Overseas postings/assignments very rarely fail because the job is the wrong fit: dad will be fine, he has his support network, socialising, routine, status etc determined by his job. Assignments fail for family-related reasons. The phrase 'trailing spouse' isn't one I favour but unfortunately can be accurate!

Is your DH's company willing to offer you any cultural awareness training, a preview visit or support you through the expat process? There are loads of onoline resources for both establishing if you'd adapt to the expat life and for UAE/Dubai specifically but it's been a few years since I looked. Probably worth a google though.

Specific things that came up for my families in Dubai (have no experience of living there so second hand):

-Easy to be lulled into a false sense of living a life beyond your normal means, which is difficult to return from.
-Health care whilst good, is expensive and very different culturally - not unusual to be seen by a consultant for minor things a GP would deal with. All part of the insurance system but alarmed some of my families that things were more serious than they were.
-Expat community can be, at times, hierarchical, materialistic and clique-y. Children will help with this but you will have to go out of your way if you want to have your own hobbies.
-It is a nice place in the cooler months - some of my families got pissed off by being seen as free accommodation for a cheap holiday by a procession of family/friends. Those that were lonely didn't feel they could say no, then regretted not being able to spend any time alone just as a family when Dad was home.
-Ditto what has been said about schools and any special needs. One of my families used to come back to the UK for help with what their old primary in the Uk considered to be minor problem because their 'exclusive' school was hopeless.

My families were always tax-equalised with their home country: you need extremely good tax advice before you go. The 'tax free' life of old isn't that simple. Likewise, you need to really understand the legalities around visas, debt, public behaviour, alcohol etc.

Lastly, not sure if this applies or not (ie if question just about whether to go or not, job already accepted). My DH was headhunted to a job with 3x salary when DS was a toddler and DD on the way. We traded the higher salary for seeing less of DH: as someone else said, no amount of money will make up for that. Worse mistake we made. Now poorer but happier!

dont do it.

its not about dubai, its about splitting your family up for more money.

it really isnt worth it

DH and i are career expats, so that means we move like, every 3 years. and usually one of us has to go ahead and sort out visas etc etc, and one has to stay behind. sometimes its only for a few weeks, last time it ended up being 8 months.

NEVER again. seriously, it was so hard to come back together as a family after living apart for so long (DH coming back and forth wasnt him coming home, it was him VISITING, very very different) and it put alot of strain on our marriage.

having said that though, alot of families do make it work. i mean, people married to pilots for example, or servicemen. but i think the difference with that is you know what you are getting into from the start.

also, as a child of an expat family, i was so lucky that my parents only took contracts where they were always together, DHs parents lived in different countries for about 4 years and it really affected him (even though his parents are still happily married).

sorry, a bit rambly there :)