Husband offered job in Dubai. Unbiased arguments please.

[Betti]

My DH has been offered a job based in Dubai but as it's sales he will spend 3 weeks each month travelling. The salary is huge (3 times what it is now) so this is a life changing opportunity.

My dilemma is this. Do we all uproot (3 children aged 8,5 & 2) and spend 3 years in Dubai and see daddy for 1 week every month or do we stay here in our normal routine with our friends and see him for probably 4 days a month and spend school hols in Dubai with him.

The package offers us a beach front appartment with housekeeper, gardener etc. Private school fees for children paid for.

What are the schools like in Dubai and will it be a problem for them when they come back and go back to state schooling?

Is it easier for us to stay in UK but not see daddy very often. How will that affect them? Also how can i be sure our relationship is strong enough to survive not seeing one another?

My heart says go....have a ball for 3 years....it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.....we can pay off our mortgage and be debt free but if DH isn't around very much we'll be very much on our own. My head says stay here.....the children are hapoy and doing well at school....you've got friends and family around, but we'll be pretty much living as a single parent family.

Is money really that important?

I'd really appreciate your opinions as my friends and family obviously want us to stay.

Thank you so much xx

Also posted on WWYD.

I'd say don't go to Dubai. I hope my reasons are unbiased, but they are obviously subjective! I hope my opinions may add to everyone elses and help you build a bigger picture en route to making your final decision though.

I'm speaking as another career expat/trailing spouse, who moves every few years and has spent time in Dubai (although not lived their with children).

(a) Dubai: I believe it to be a highly unethical country with high levels of slavery. It is not necessarily stable either, especially given the current revolutionary wave sweeping the Middle East.
It is an ugly, expensive, concrete jungle, where you will probably live in an expat bubble and have little connection with local culture or language.

(b) I think you will, by far, get the raw end of the deal. Your husband will land in the city with a structured job and everything laid out for him. You will have to struggle to set up your domestic life, your childrens' lives, your social life (and in my experience it takes up to a year to build a new adult social circle from scratch - essential for support, friendship and company).

(c) Flight prices are shooting up, especially with the rocketing oil prices. Flights to Dubai for family and friends to visit you are only going to get more expensive (unless you are happy to do all the travelling back to the UK - exhausting and disruptive, especially with three children).

(d) In your shoes, I would end up resenting DH for putting me in that situation, and the lack of time spent together would be bad for our marriage. I don't know what impact that could have on your children. If you stay at home I presume they have close family members who will rally round in your DH's absence? In Dubai it would just be you.

Is the contract only available for three years? Could you stay in the UK, your DH go out there, but cut it short after one year if it makes you all miserable?

Good luck anyway, in this climate jobs are short and the financial payoff that could possibly make you mortgage free must be very tempting. If any more doubt, could you have a trial period first? Go out for 2 weeks over Easter maybe?

Whoops there, not their!

I think that the opportunity being presented to your DH is simply not suitable for anybody who wants to maintain any sort of family life.

It doesn't matter where you are living, or how much he will be earning, i wouldn't want my DH to accept a role that has him travelling that much, and i know my DH wouldn't do it - he used to be a Management Consultant and was constantly travelling until he realised what a miserable life it was and that no amount of money was worth giving up what he was missing out on at home, so he quit, with my blessing. (And was unemployed for 2 yrs - but it was still the right decision.)

IMO the dilemma is not whether to move, but whether to accept such an awful job as a father and a husband.

If you were to move, do it because it means you have a better life together - money can't make up for the absences.

FWIW, we're about to move to Doha.

betti you know, until you posted that it hadn't occurred to me not to trust him!! (I'm obviously extremely naive) I read your post and then had awful nightmares all night ....

anyway - the decisions different families make are prompted by all sorts of different circumstances. In our case, dh had been made redundant (after only 11 1/2 months in the job - bastards - so minimal payout) and had been unemployed for 3 months with absolutely nothing on the horizon. We put our house on the market - just in time for the crash in property prices so that was no use in getting us out of the hole we'd suddenly found ourselves in. So when dh was offered 6 months in Abu Dhabi it was a choice between that or bankruptcy...

And yes, we have all just 'got used' to him not being around - and he's got used to us not being there as well which is not ideal and I do worry about the effect it's having on the children (esp ds2 who I think is heading for depression :()

If everything had been settled at home and he'd been offered his current role when he already had a good job (albeit not one that paid so well) then we'd have made very different decisions

Try to do a bit more research into what your package will be and what you expenses will be. How much support will you get from the company? You also need to check the school situation and where there might be spaces. If you pm me I can help as I worked in 2.

I am a trailing spouse and recently moved from Dubai after a 5 year stint. I liked it but second the criticisms of its materialism and treatment of immigrant workers. Apart from the moral issue, and how you feel about it, I think this only becomes important re bringing up children when they are teenagers and you want to teach them to life a decent life with decent attitudes. the cheap labour means you live an easy life so domestically you have support and can have an active social life. You are likely to be able to live a life far in excess of what you are used to in a material sense. For many this is great. For others, it isn't important.

My huband's company is large with a huge support network and generous package. This is relevant. Many women feel overwhelmed and lonely if they have less support. I would have said, given the age of your children, give it a try if it will help you financially. You can leave if it doesn't work. Many find they spend far over and above what they spend at home though. Activities for children are not cheap and tend to take place in shopping malls which are expesive places! food is imported and if you cannot spend what others are you will feel not-so -special as you expected.

My main concern would be the huge amount of travelling he is doing from day one. If he were to start travelling after you felt settled and had friends I think you would be OK since many men travel similarly and work long long hours. To leave for 75% of the time when you don't have friends, especially with the Middle East as it is will be very tough. Driving is hard and drivers dangerous. You have to get used to dealing with people who are culturally very different and who help you at garages, shops, house maintenance etc. and are from the sub continent or the Philippines. they are very nice, but it takes time to learn what they really mean when they say "it is possible tomorrow" and the like!

You will leave anyway for 8 weeks of the Summer. There is a lot of prostitution from Eastern Europe. There are bars which are full over the Summer of abandoned men and single women. This can be a problem in some relationships though I'd say most women ignore the possibility and decide what you don't know doesn't hurt. Marriages get into trouble wherever you live.

I'd suggest you do a bit more research and if you like what you learn, try it. Your statement that you can "have a ball" for three years suggests you are a bit innocnet as yet about the challenges but they are not insurmountable and you can always change things if you are unhappy. I would not change the time I spent there. Good luck