When the visitors come, how do you stay sane and solvent?

[Slightlyreluctantexpat]

It's all in the title really! I think I can be a lovely hostess for a weekend, but now we're living abroad the visitors come for at least a week..

Any useful tips for dealing with....the sharing of costs, the monotony of visiting the same old places, not being able to get on with normal things (from lunching to laundry), having extra people underfoot??

Many visitors are delightful, of course! Wouldn't want you all to think I am a grump (though I have just given my current visitor the slip and am sitting in a cafe with a )

Do please advise me, wise MNetters!

tbh I don't take them about places much. I have all the info there for them and I help them with finding their way around etc but I would only actually take them to one place at the weekend and go out for meals etc. Thing is for them it is a holiday but for you it is your everyday life and you have to get on with all that - cleaning, cooking, taking dc all over the place, work etc. Cost is tricky. I never bring it up but if it is a problem, I suppose you need to do that.

Visitors have to entertain themselves for a good part of the day if they come for more than a weekend. You need to ensure that you give them typed instructions in English on how to take public transport from your home to major sites, how to get home, with a key etc, and to have a list of recommended good small eateries for their lunch! Make it easy for them not to treat you as a five star hotel and tour guide.

If I have visitors for any length of time, I buy in extra cleaning help - makes a massive difference to how I feel knowing that I won't have to clear up before or afterwards, and I use the opportunity to tidy up and spring clean, so there is a big benefit to me in general.

I find it really difficult as I'm self employed working from home so if I have people stay for longer than a weekend I feel I have to turn down work, simply because of the noise levels in the house with guests I can't do my work and therefore am seriously out of pocket.

Have guests coming for Easter, but because I get a bit sick of cooking meals, entertaining people etc, I've suggested this time we spend half the time going off to a different part of France on a little holiday, that way I get a break too and don't have to worry about keeping on top of things.

By drinking and going to bed with my laptop at 9.30pm.

House guests are like fish. After 4 days they start to go off.

I agree that you need to enforce a degree of independence (easier said than done if you live (eg) in Lagos but in most places it's do-able). I tend to say "Well today I have to do X. You're welcome to come along but otherwise you could do Y, Z or ZZ"

Also, I find that a "my house is your house" approach helps, which I believe is a friendly way of saying "This isn't a hotel. Get your own tea/wine/sandwich"

Yes it is tough. I think it's imperative that they rent a car to get themselves about. I have 4 (2 adults, 2 kids) arriving on Friday for 2 weeks. They're not staying with us, as we don't have room, but are staying a few minutes down the road. They're renting a car and should be relatively autonomous. It makes a huge difference.

The worst ones we've had refused to rent a car, had us running all over the place for weeks trying to find them a place to stay that they deemed acceptable, and then complained when we weren't free to spend every day with them and ferry them about everywhere thay wanted to go. Nightmare.

My parents actually moved from their 6 bedroom house and built a 2 bedroom to live in. We thought they were mad, but it almost totally eliminated unwanted guests.

Sympathies!!

Don't get me started on this one ...

Tis the curse of being an expat I'm afraid

I don't mind the extra shopping, cooking, room prep etc - it's when guests expect me to shepherd them around all day as well that I get a bit miffed. (Mondays in particular are a nightmare here as everything is closed.) I provide an information pack with maps, brochures, tram/metro card etc but some people just don't take the hint!!

Some guests are great though it has to be said and are totally up for it. Others wimp out at the thought of having to buy a coffee for themselves in a foreign language

As for the car rental thing - it's a tricky one. Last time some members of our extended family came we rented a car for them at vast expense and they barely used it as they were tired and wanted to stay close to home. A complete waste of money! Agree though, in other circs, it is an essential if you don't want to end up on chauffeur duty.

I think Chickflit's idea about taking holidays nearby instead is a good one; particulary for repeat visits. (We live in the city, so can suggest we all meet up in holiday cottages near the coast or further south in the countryside.) Then you are all on a more even footing.

Extra cleaning help is a good idea too .. but it does add to the expense. Food here costs a fortune and has gone up recently again. We always get through lots of wine and beer too. Again, some guests understand and offer to buy the odd meal out or share the cost. Others just expect to be ferried about AND paid for.

Sorry to sound grumpy. I've become a bit disillusioned about it over the years ...

Most visitors are fine. The ones who drive me mad are those who ring up and say "We thought we'd come and see you next weekend." What they actually mean is, we thought we'd come to Paris for a free weekend, drink all of your booze and eat you out of house and home and not have enough money to pay half when we go out for dinner. And get affronted if you tell them that a certain weekend isn't convenient - "But we've already got our tickets!" Or say "Oh it doesn't matter if you've got someone else staying as well, I know you've got room to put us all up."

And, I'm afraid, when they said "We thought we'd come and see you for Christmas" my immediate, verbal response was "No you fucking won't."

Oh and don't greet me with "What are you cooking tonight?" as I walk in from work. As my response will probably be "I'm not. Where are you taking us?"

(This is one particular couple, by the way.)

Ho yes, and we had one who came out to see us in Romania. She wanted to see the Saxon villages in Transylvania, so we booked her a car and driver, very cheaply, using contacts at an NGO I was doing some work with. Train services in Romanian were slow and unreliable at the time (buses worse) and with a car and driver, she would have been able to see everything she wanted. The day before we put her on the train to Sibiu, she decided that it would "be more fun" to get herself round the villages by public transport. Wouldn't be swayed. Instead of seeing the six villages she wanted, she saw one. And spent 7 hours on a train going 40 miles to get there.

I think I am lucky with my guests. We are from Kent originally and only a 2 hour drive from Calais. They generally bring a Tesco shop with them. I am happy to lay on extra wine in return for sausages, proper pork with crackling skin on and paracetamol.

send them a cheery email, suggesting an itenery and how they can get from A to B on public transport (or suggest they hire a car).

Then tell them you have to work all week, so wont be their tour guide, but they're welcome to use yours as a B&B. Give them a list of local eateries for evening meals. but say, "of course I'll cook on Sat and SUnday, but the rest of the week, you'll have to fend for yourselves"

ANd be really cheery about the fact that there is an excellent supermarket down the road and you will clear some space in the fridge for their stuff.

Oh yes, I find it annoying that visitors practically never ask if there's anything they can bring.

Just feel like saying - Hello? I live on a teeny island in the third world. It may be a paradise of sunshine and rum for you on your 2 week holiday, but for me it's the place that can literally run completely out of children's shoes for months on end...grrr.

I do an M and S shop and get it delivered to them so they can bring it out. So for at least a few days I am happy and grateful.

We get people for weeks as we are so far away. My IL's don't even go for a walk on their own never mind take a bus or hire a car. I work from home too so that means I am with them 24/7. And I'm not a very patient person. Looking after 4 adults and a baby is pretty exhausting. This time we booked a trip away, which they were not terribly happy about (would rather stay in our house for the whole two weeks). But OH pointed out that he has limited annual leave and it was his holiday too which they seemed to understand.

They left very happy after this trip and OH has suggested a repeat next year. I obviously shot myself in the foot by being too good a host.

Thanks for the wise words and empathy.

Game plan for future house guests;

I shall definitely prepare an information pack with maps, taxi numbers and so on. Hiring a car would be scary here, but taxis are cheap.

I already do ask people to bring things out with them if they ask me first. Shall be more upfront about this in future.

I think I shall make a distinction between house guests who are such close friends that I really want to spend all the time with them, and house guests who are visiting us to have free board and lodgings in an interesting part of the world. The former category will get the tour guide treatment; the latter won't.

I shall spend a day showing my visitors the city, and at the end say firmly, "Now you know how to get about by yourselves"

I shall continue to do my normal activities, I won't feel guilty at leaving my guests and I might even invent some fictitious appointments if I am in need of more space away from visitors. Or shall hide in bedroom with laptop, as suggested above.

As soon as people suggest that they want to visit us I shall tell them that they need to organise some side trips as there isn't a fortnight's worth of stuff to do here.

I shall stop worrying about whether my visitors are having a lovely holiday.

I shall not be passive-aggressive with them. I shall be assertive.

Easy.

I'm actually quite upfront when people come to stay, I always say, well you know payment is a box of Yorkshire tea bags, at least 4 tins of beans and cheddar cheese. Although was absolutely gutted one time when my best friend bought PG Tips because they were cheaper.

After a truly disasterous visit from MIL a few years back (the 2 week stay that turned into a month) we have never had people for longer than 2 nights since. Unfortunately the people we would happily have to stay can't afford to come (we're in Oz), a few others have come and when we get the e-mails we respond "it will be lovely to see you. Let us know where you are staying so we can pencil in a few meals/get togethers".

Chickflit- Yay- Yorkshire Tea. It is truly great and the hot beverage of choice

My mum always brings a few jars of her homemade marmalade and a few boxes of Karvol as well, bless her.

Sunnydelight - a two-night rule sounds very wise. Shall add that to my list.

I have very nice friends who bring the contents of their organic veg box, plus wine, plus a big joint of meat with them - everytime. I like visitors like that.

I also ask for Galaxy.

I do think it is important to carry on with your normal life while guests are around. Our first year overseas we had a solid three months of guests (10 visits from 4 different sets) and it really stopped us settling and establishing ourselves. I feel quite bitter because I was pregnant and had bad SPD and really ran myself ragged cleaning and washing when I should have been taking some time for myself. All of our guest have seen more of this country than I have because we didn't have a chance that summer to explore. Now we have DD so it is all a lot more difficult to do.

I like Sunny's repsonse. I may use that.

What happens when the guest just resists?

I've name changed for this. A friend came over for 4 weeks. I asked were they breaking the visit/are they hiring a car?

No answer. But it turned out to be no and no when they got here.

They became passively-aggressively discontented when I carried on with the household stuff, as you have to do. Would not go anywhere on their own.

Eventually I handed over the guide book and said there's lots of good stuff in it. That sorted out two days!!

"Had" to be ferried everywhere.

This is the only time it's happened, but will also be the last.

I think that unless the ground rules are established BEFORE people arrive patience it is nearly impossible once they are in your home, unless of course it all totally blows up and then things get said in the heat of the moment and which you really wish it had been sorted before. Your story is all too familiar.

BIL and SIL cancelled a planned holiday with their two small children (planned without ever actually saying anything to us of course) when we pointed out that although they were very welcome to use our place as a base, spending a full three weeks here just wasn't on. We also told them they would have to hire a car. All of a sudden they couldn't afford it (they are loaded). SIL was very miffed as she was "looking forward to a nice relaxing break" - yeah, while I ran ragged looking after her rather badly behaved kids.

Patience - it was an experience like yours that prompted me to start the thread. A teenager who was with us for a week who didn't realise that he was putting us out at all, who didn't pay for anything, and who was being a bit grumbly as well. A month, though, would be intolerable!

Clearest indicator is yo hand over a set of keys when they come and show them how to lock up when going out. I also used to send a breezy mail with hire car details and tell them about local attractions when they arrived 'let me know if you want to go and I'll recommend somewhere great for lunch'.

And just quietly but insistently keep up your daily routine of school runs, work etc. It might be their hpliday but it's your daily life.