How long did it take you to find a close friend when you moved abroad?

[awrightchuck]

This is not something I have managed to do - someone who you can just relax with, talk to, phone up for a chat - see without children!

Toddler groups are not conducive to conversation and "playdates" (hate that word) are not satisfactory either. It is all about clicking with someone and I have not. Yes I know people, talk at nursery gates, see people for tea/play 2 or 3 times a week but no close friends.

Is it something you managed to do with babies/toddlers or only when your children were a bit older?

Close friend of same nationality 2 years, close friend of nationality of country in which I am living, somewhat longer! That said, have plenty of friends with whom I'm happy to go out, have a chat, just not bare my soul to

I was really lucky in that I was with a group of expats about four months after we arrived in Oz and just really clicked with a woman who had just landed. We hardly spoke over lunch as she was chasing her 3 year old around but there was just something there so we arranged to meet for coffee. She's probably more of a "best friend", if that doesn't sound too naff for an adult, than any of my close friends in the UK (I didn't grow up in the UK though).

This is one of the hardest things I have found about living overseas. It was actually only when I had a baby five years after moving that I met a couple of girls through mother's group that I have become very close to. I still don't have a friend that I can be completely at ease with the way I did back in the UK and I've been abroad for 11 years now. Its tough.

I think this may depend on how you are as a person. I have been abroad for over 8 years and have friends of course but still phone my 2 best friends in the Uk who I have been friends with since I was 13 and early 20s if I have anything I really need to discuss with a 'best friend'. I have other friends here from the UK who have been here for alot less time and have very good 'best friends'.

How long have you been abroad and are you in an English speaking country?

For the first few months the only people other than my husband and children I spoke more than a few words to in the day were:

1. The maid
2. Personal trainer
3. Gardener
4. Security guard
5. Maintenance man

6 Check out girl at the supermarket

I was seriously depressed.

Have since grabbed onto for dear life found a like minded soul (one of the mums in my sons class)

have a couple of really close UK friends that I chat to on skype once maybe every othher month( email more often!).
I have also made another set of really good friends here in Australia since moving here in June 09. They helped alot when ds2 went into hospital a couple of months after landing and I think that cemented our friendships quicker

I spent the first year in the US rather cocooned, especially as I had a new baby. I felt very lonely and isolated. Now I'm in the third year here and have two close friends and plenty of acquaintances.

I think the trick is doing non-mumsy things. If you meet people doing something you enjoy, then you're more likely to have things in common and be able to talk and go out without the children. I like my 'mum' friends but they're not really my going-out friends.

Not very long (couple of weeks), but I didn't have kids when I moved here and I got flukily lucky with some "friend of friend" introductions.

That said, I have met some really nice women through pre-natal and baby groups too and some of these have crossed over into the "drinks and dinner" category

I'd suggest trying to organise a 'mum's night out' for any likely candidates from toddler group - if you can get childcare for an evening. People can be very different when they are away from their children...

Or possibly try to put together a book group, if there are enough English-speaking expats around. It's a good excuse to meet up once a month and have something non-child related to talk about. I'm still in touch with some of my expat book group friends from nearly 10 years ago (we're scattered all over the world now).

Having an older child and working full-time has meant I haven't had an opportunity to meet other mums. I get on well with people at work, but have never easily socialised out of work with colleagues, even while in the UK, tending to make friends after I've left the job.

Sometimes I feel a bit sad about this (I have tried), particularly as I recognise I'll be here for the rest of my life, but work gets in the way a lot, and the age of children, and possibly my own age, does matter when establishing common ground.

I'll have to try a book club, I expect.

God this sounds self-pitying.

I've been in the Netherlands for 3 and a half years and I only now feel that I have one good friend (a colleague) who I can talk to. Despite the fact that I don't consider myself an "expat" (my partner is Dutch so we socialise a lot with Dutchies and of course his family) most of my good friends here are native English speakers.

Even though I speak Dutch and I'm fine on-on-one I still find it hard to keep up with a group discussion at work.

But still, no one compares with my bf in NZ. She's the only person who knows me as well as my dp, plus she and I understand what it's like trying to make a life for yourself in a new country. Most of my friends in the UK are rubbish at staying in touch no matter how much I try.

Echt - I don't think it sounds self-pitying at all. If you work full time then really your pool of potential friends will be your work colleagues as they are the only people you can spend enough time with to establish a friendship but of course you are there to work, not socialise! I think the big issue is that friendships take time and as we get older people have their established friends and with the best will in the world really don't have time for the "getting to know you" phase any relationship requires.

I have two fairly close Australian friends here but both of them have returned recently after many years abroad so even though they are coming home, they are not coming back to the areas they grew up in so are in the same boat as the expats. Most of Australians I meet are lovely and friendly but they don't need any more friends in their lives.

I've found it much harder to make new friends in places where there aren't lots of other expats - eg when I moved to Australia, it took at least a year to make a few good friends, which was unfortunately just as we were leaving. But I am still in touch with some of them more than a decade later. In other places with more foreigners coming and going it's bound to be much easier, as everyone else has 'openings' for new friends too.

Moving back to the UK to a place where I didn't really know anyone was pretty slow going too, though having youngish children (nursery/primary) helped, as there are lots of opportunities to get to know the other parents. It would have been very difficult at secondary stage, though I have also met people through classes and common interests too.

Thank you for all of your replies and to know I am not the only one in this sort of situation. I have been here getting on for 3 yrs and having had some pnd and 2 very small children I have struggled - wanting someone to talk to but feeling that people maintain their close friends from home and only want casual friends here - needing to always be smiling and up for one to be popular.

I really miss the comfortableness of a close friend - someone you can just relax with - everything has stayed quite formal here - I have no one to just phone up for a chat. I am tired of the "coffee morning" level of interaction.

I feel for you awright and am in a similar situation. We've been here for 3 years and whilst I do have 'local' friends I'm not massively close and they still think of me (I'm sure) as the slightly weird foreigner. Also language and very close family networks mean that I don't always follow or understand what they're talking about. Unfortunately there aren't many expats around (nearest person I know lives over an hour away) so it's pretty lonely!

I know that's not very helpful or constructive, but you're not alone

I'd say about 2-3yrs too, but that is the time spent finding two people who I think are on the way to becoming good mates. One is another UK expat & the other a native Aussie, both found via the internet - nothing doing through normal real life channels. With the Aussie one though, sometimes she will say something that comes from growing up Australian & it will completely throw me & make me think how can we ever be proper mates? It can take a long time to build a friendship even without the barriers of cultural references that expats face, chuck in the minefield of being a parent & it becomes all the more challenging too, so don't lose heart!

I must be weird because my best friend is my DH and pretty much everybody else I know would only be an acqaintance based on the way a 'close friend' has been described above.

But, I think you have to make an effort and invite people rather than waiting to be invited, and a semi-regular event like a movie night where I go out with a small group of girlfriends or watch a DVD at someones house (easier than a book club) satisfies my need to talk to other women.

I have found also that friendships can grow naturally out of playdates or coffee after a toddler activity, after which you can then extend an invitation for your friend to come for lunch with their spouse and children for example. Or if you don't like entertaining in your own home, you can arrange to meet up and have Brunch or lunch all together in a family friendly sort of restaurant, or have a picnic in the park or something low pressure like that. As your friendship grows this way you can get closer.

I've been abroad 11 years now and think it took several years to meet people I could feel close and at ease with. Where I am can be quite a transitory kind of place so good friends often move on else where and I find that really hard, they remain good friends but at a distance, so the effort of finding good friends is ongoing. I do empathise, I think it is one of the harder aspects of being overseas.

I have been here (Oz) for only 3 months and today especially I am feeling like I wish had a close friend here, actually any friends at all would do!

I got some potentially worrying news and I have no-one to talk to, my OH is away until Weds and I feel shit.

I am wating for my DD to go to bed before falling apart. Sorry to sound so melodramatic, today has truly been a very crappy day

It's so hard, I know. We have to move every 3 years or so and everytime, it takes about a year to find someone I would call a friend. I find it easier in non-English speaking countries, as you get thrown together with other people in the same situation.

julesgee sorry you're having a tough time. I can really sympathise. Can you phone your dh?

I just find doing as many activities with the dc helps. The more you do, the more you increase your chances of finding someone you click with.

Gottasmile, Thanks and you are right, it is hard. How do you do it every 3 years?

I spoke to my Dh straight after my hosptial appt but it was rushed so we will speak at length later this evening.

He is my best friend! :)

julesgee, you have your dh and your dd. Appreciate them right now and then you'll see, it will happen. It takes some patience.

Every 3 years is hard, I used to get so upset when I couldn't make a friend, but now I have no expectations. I'm friendly to everyone, think positively and if I find someone I really click with, I look at it as a bonus. I would get too upset otherwise, I used to think something was wrong with me, that no one liked me. Now I have just changed my attitude.

Hope you get some good news btw.