What can I say to my dying DM?

[morningtrain]

She won’t accept she is dying. Is terrified. We are all skirting around it, trying to stay positive.. but the big conversations are not happening & we’re running out of time. I also don’t want to confront the fact. If I bring it up she’ll think I’m writing her off. I don’t even know if I could bring it up without getting very upset. Yet I want to help her come to some acceptance/peace. Has anyone experience of this?

@morningtrain this sounds like a very difficult situation for you all. Just hold her hand and tell her you love her x sending hugs 🫂🙏❤️

Does she have hospital or doctor involvement? Is she actually aware she’s dying?

Are you in the habit of saying I love you to each other? When my parents got properly older I did that every time I saw them.

Nice memories of times you've spent together are always good.

What are the big conversations for you? What would you really regret not saying or not asking?

She is aware she is not going to get better & that she’s getting worse.. but there’s still an element of denial - in us all I guess. I can’t bear to say it out loud to her.

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry and I’m thinking of you, I can’t imagine what you’re all going through ❤️

I don’t think you need to have big conversations about the fact that she’s dying if she doesn’t want them. Yes they are useful to have if DNR is appropriate, funerals are planned and she can make peace with it, but life doesn’t always work that way. And if it’s distressing her then maybe it’s not worth it. It sounds like she knows she’s dying she just doesn’t want to talk about it. I would just keep her comfortable and follow her lead.

She’s got terminal cancer. Treatment stopped a while back. We’re in palliative care but she doesn’t think she needs it. Puts all symptoms down to dodgy food/ hayfever/ a bug/ a pulled muscle/the weather… anything but the cancer

Just tell her that you love her and that you'll be there with her. Squeeze her hand. i'm so sorry and sending you a hug.

I Saw this with MIL, she was dying with cancer but couldn’t be told. I even told DH that he should visit her in the half term break a week or two before she died, but he also couldn’t have any sort of conversation about it. Ultimately there was nothing said until the last day and she was in and out of consciousness.

The worst of it was that she didn’t get proper pain relief until the last few hours, and DH couldn’t be with her at the end.

The one silver lining is that FIL learned his lesson and it was different when he passed away a few years later.

With my mum we just never discussed it , we all knew she was terminal , she knew she was terminal and we just didn’t talk about it . She didn’t bring it up so we all assumed that she preferred to pretend it wasn’t happening and we went along with that .

I just wouldn't talk about it if she doesn't want to. She'll know what's ahead of her, but it doesn't sound like she's reached the point where she's at peace with it - and she may not ever get there. Dsis is a community nurse and supports people at end of life - she says it's very common for people to refuse to discuss or accept it. Give her all the time she needs.

My sincere sympathies to you - it's such a difficult time 💐

Thank you this is good advice x

Thank you everybody. Yes, will just surround her with love xx

My Mum never addressed the fact that she was dying, and we followed her lead. We were all with her and she knew how much she was loved. IMO there's no need for big conversations at this point. Hope her passing is gentle. X

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. She might know deep down but can’t say it out loud or she might be afraid of upsetting you. Just spend time with her. When my DD was was at this stage he wanted us (me and my siblings) to ensure that he was as comfortable as possible. As well as pain relief care also included mild sedation to reduce the possibility of him becoming distressed.
Do what feels right for you to do. It’s a very sad and stressful time that you’re going though. Sending hugs

We all cope in our own way.
It's not for you to decide her best way.
Just love and support her.
And yes, you also need love and support during these saddest of times.

I should add she’s not (I hope) actively dying just yet, but we’re certainly in the last stage. I’ve no idea how it’s going to pan out..

Just do what she wants, say what she wants, be who she wants. She doesn't have to face anything if she doesn't want to

Sending you love OP it's the most difficult time. This happened with my Mum, we all knew she was dying but she didn't talk about it and neither did we to be honest. We just chatted about general stuff like my work and the grandkids and watched Strictly! I agree with the PP who said just take her lead. If my Mum had wanted a heart to heart then I would have talked to her about her death and what she wanted to happen afterwards - but she didn't.

I think it's just the way some people need to behave in order to cope. I agree with what you said, surround her with love. Buy her flowers, hold her hand and just chat to her and tell her that everything is under control and she doesn't need to worry about a thing.💐

If there are things you feel you must say, so long as they aren't hurtful, then you could say them. I don't know why she needs to know the full position so long as she is comfortable. What will she gain from knowing? Are there relatives who she would want to say her goodbyes to ? If you think there are, then perhaps you could get in contact. I see no real benefit in giving her more details otherwise.

Im sorry you are going through this. Different situation with my mum and she faced it head on but was actually quite scared about the actual dying itself, what it would be like, whether she’d be in pain etc. I listened to the death/dying audio books podcasts and spoke to her about them. Asked her if she’d be interested and she said she was. So got here set up with a Dr Katherine Mannix podcast on death a she sent us all out for a walk while she listened to it. She gave me a big hug when we came back and thanked me for it. She didn’t discuss it in much detail but it did take away some of the fear she had.

If she has access to any hospice nurses, MacMillian nurses or similar they are really good at starting these conversations as well.

Are important things such as POA, Will, funeral wishes etc sorted?

If not that you will have to have some conversations around those. Her medical team might have some ideas of how to approach it, they will have come across this situation before

good luck, it sounds tough.

What big conversations do you need to have?

Surely any inheritance will be passed onto the next of kin and the family can decide what to do regarding the funeral etc once she’s gone.

Theres no point discussing these things with her if she doesn’t want to.
Let her pass away whilst in denial if that makes her happy.

I hope you’re ok 💐

I would take her lead, if she doesn’t want to confront or talk about it then that’s her choice- just be there if she wants too. The admin stuff following death can all be sorted without conversations so I wouldn’t push if she isn’t ready. Enjoy the time you have. I’ve very recently been through this and we didn’t have any conversations because it came very quickly in the end, but our visits were filled with normal conversations and watching tv and I like to think that gave her some comfort and normality in the face of the thinkable. There was no upset or distress, just normal loving family time together.

This is a completely valid coping strategy, she doesn't have to confront or accept anything about this. This is what is maintaining her peace, don't take that away from her because she's not behaving like a fictional film character who's totally fine and relaxed about dying. That's just not how this works and I think if you're honest with yourself this desire for her to "accept" she's dying and being fine with it is about you wanting your needs to be met rather than hers.

I say this having witnessed my mum's distress at dying from cancer and all the things people forced on her to make themselves feel better about her dying. That is why I am being so direct.

I am really sorry you're in this position. It's important that you have support because what you're facing is tough. You can contact Macmillan in your own right or access other services. I think it would be a good idea if you did talk to someone so they can help you understand that the way your mum is behaving is completely normal and healthy.