What can I say to my dying DM?

[morningtrain]

She won’t accept she is dying. Is terrified. We are all skirting around it, trying to stay positive.. but the big conversations are not happening & we’re running out of time. I also don’t want to confront the fact. If I bring it up she’ll think I’m writing her off. I don’t even know if I could bring it up without getting very upset. Yet I want to help her come to some acceptance/peace. Has anyone experience of this?

i don’t mean conversations about practicalities.. couldn’t care less about wills & money- I mean more philosophical ones. But I certainly won’t force them & will just sit with her & take her lead. There’s a lot of wisdom here from all your experiences and I really appreciate every post. Thank you

And @decorationdayyoure absolutely right, I’m trying to ensure I have no regrets & find a way to face it myself.

I was recently visiting a ward of very frail, elderly women. The hospital staff, particularly the domestic staff, were very gentle with the patients and it made a great impression on me. They accepted and talked to each patient on the patient’s own, sometimes confused, terms. Really, they just mentally held them. All the while sweeping around the beds and offering cups of tea.

Sorry this doesn’t answer your question but others have given good advice. I thought perhaps this example might help.

Assuming your DM is getting the right level of palliative care which you’re happy with, and, as you say, you’re not concerned about other practical matters, I would suggest you use this time to chat about her life.

With my own DM I fabricated an excuse that my DC were interested in our family tree and that I wasn’t sure about a number of things - where she lived as a child, school life, working life, love life, holidays, favourite memories, what I was like as a baby, and so on, which prompted lovely discussions and re-awakened long forgotten memories for her.

There are still things I wish I’d asked her before it was too late, but the conversations we managed were quite precious to me and she enjoyed ‘providing useful information’ for her GC and walking down her Memory Lane.

I’m so sorry your DM is suffering this life limiting illness and hope you realise that she is not unusual in her denial or being reluctant or perhaps incapable of dealing with acknowledging what is happening to her.

Please look after yourself too during this hugely stressful time
💐

Firstly, the biggest of hugs to you and your Mum and I’m so sorry that this is happening.

My sister died of cancer in her mid thirties. It was fairly quick and shocking. She too was unable to acknowledge it and it’s something that none of us ever spoke to her about. I wanted to hold her hand, and cry with her, and tell her how much I loved her and how I’d always make sure that her memory lived on through her beloved niece and nephew. And I know our poor parents felt that, but even more acutely.

But she didn’t want it so we took her lead and didn’t ever talk about it. There wasn’t much we could do for her at all, but I think this was one thing we sort of could. It sounds like you’ve got it sorted, but just thought I’d offer that perspective - that it is something that you are doing for your Mum because you love her and want things to be as easy for her as possible.

Again, sending love to you both x

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

from my experience, just be there, even if you not are talking, watch tv together, just be close, tell her you love her. Make her tea, take her out for lunch (if she can manage), have cake, have a glass of wine. She may not be able to eat or drink much but my mum said things like that made her able to feel “normal” for a few minutes.

When my mum was dying I just said to her that I wanted her to know she could talk to me about anything.....she just shrugged and said there wasn't really anything to say. We never discussed it, she clearly didn't want to discuss so we just took her lead.

When my FIL was dying, he did discuss it with me, but he and my MIL never ever discussed it.

Hugs to you OP, it's such a shit time for you all.

Don't have the conversations if she doesn't want to have them.
My DP died in Sept 23. He was also very much in denial until the last few days.
Yes, it was messy and harder than it could have been when he had passed without a will or any plan for a funeral, but I tried to think of it as one last thing I/we could do for him.
💐

You say that your mother is terrified - has she been described anti-anxiety medications? They would help her face life day to day

Let her be in denial if that's how she's coping - who of us would be relishing the end of life

I hope this phase of life gets easier for you and your family. Just stay by her side and let her know how much you love her.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's an absolute shit.

My Mum was the same. She occasionally said things that lead me to believe she knew what was happening, but never really directly addressed it. I think she was very scared deep down, but couldn't show that for fear of making it worse for us. She was also periodically quite confused in the last few weeks which didn't help.

I completely agree with PP who suggested being entirely lead by her. Just tell her you love her often. Hold her hand and give her a cuddle. Talk about nice memories, family holidays, Christmases, stuff like that. Do normal stuff together.

One practical thing I'd think about is whether she has ever previously made any preference known about where she would want to be towards the end, if it came to that. We were overtaken by events and my mother died in hospital, it wasn't possible to get her home or to hospice. That's one of my regrets - I'm certainly not saying all hospital deaths are bad, far from it, but for her I do wish it had been a different environment, and for us too. It may be worth ensuring you've quietly researched the local options and support available in advance, so you can arrange for help /equipment at home or make other suggestions if appropriate, before the point that you find yourselves on the back foot.

I hope the next few weeks or months are as peaceful as they can be for you and your family. And I'm so sorry again.