Mr friend has been told she has "months" to live..

[MonkeyTennis34]

My very close friend has a rare form of bowel cancer.
It hasn't a single tumour that can be removed. The cancer covers a larger area, around her rectum.
She was diagnosed in 2019 and had radiotherapy and aural chemotherapy.

Following this, the only treatment she was offered was surgery which would have resulted in huge, life-changing effects.

She chose to refuse the surgery and wasn't offered anything different.

Around Easter time this year, her consultant told her that if she doesn't have the surgery, she has months to live.

She is having oxygen treatments, is going to have intravenous Vitamin C treatment.

I guess my question is, what does "months" mean and could that potentially mean "years"?
She says, she's not going anywhere and is throwing herself into these alternative treatments.

She had a stoma fitted at Easter.
She is often in alot of discomfort but otherwise gets around ok.
She's 57.

Just to add, at each scan she's been told that her cancer is growing but it hasn't spread around her body.

That must be so difficult OP.

If vitamin C infusions and oxygen treatment worked against cancer no one would have or prescribe chemo.

IME of family and friends (no medical training), months does mean months not years, and occasionally can mean weeks.

I’m sorry to hear this, it must be very hard for your friend and for you as you try to support her and manage your own feelings of grief and loss.

I think you are asking “ how long does she have “ and the answer is that no one knows. Even her own medical team , who have all the medical info and years of experience, won’t know exactly . Because it’s different from everyone, the disease can progress differently and other complications can intervene.

The medical team are giving their best guess. Yes in a few cases, things progress slower than expected and people get longer. But it can also go the other way.

So “ months “ generally means “ more than a few weeks but less than a year “.

Some patients choose to put their affairs in order ,others act like it’s not happening . Some accept treatment , others decline it. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with such a diagnosis.

All you can do is be led by your friend and how she wants to use the time she has left, whatever that is.

Shes fortunate to have someone like you willing to walk this path with her 💐

@CelesteCunningham @1VY
Thank you for your swift replies.

Initially, I found it hard to accept that she had refused the treatment offered to her. I just want her to be around.

On finding out all the details, I was able to understand her decision more clearly.

Most importantly, it's her decision.

Also, she knows that the alternative interventions won't cure her cancer but they might, along with her amazing positive mental attitude, give her some more time.

I lost my best friend to bowel cancer last year. She was diagnosed in November 2022, and died in January 2023, she lived for 8 weeks and 1 day. She turned 40 the week after diagnoses.

I lost another friend to the same disease the year before, though she had about 2.5 years post diagnoses. She was 39.

I think this shows just how much of a difference there can be in the speed at which this particular strain can work it's evil, but I would be inclined to see months as up to 6.

Mt dear best friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August 2022 and passed away in the November. She was given weeks....so yes, ime, it really is months, not years. So sorry your friend has this cruel disease

@CanIbeRio @Lidlisthebusiness
Sorry to hear of your losses.

I know nothing about the alternative treatments she's using but surely they might bide her some more time?

She's an intelligent woman who researches everything.

I just can't imagine her going from how she is now to passing away in a matter of months. It seems impossible that something could accelerate like that.

I talk to DH about it...he is a bit more removed emotionally and also thinks it will be less than a year.

My friend has booked a family holiday for October and talked about Christmas.

Some people can live for several years longer than expected, some may pass after only a few days after being given that timeframe.
There's no way of telling.
Try and make sure she's as comfortable as possible. I hope she will accept traditional pain relief, like morphine? She should not have to be in agony. I hope you can try and do some nice things with her in the near future as obviously time is precious.

Honestly, if these treatments worked, they wouldn't be alternative ones any more. Why would the NHS spend a fortune on surgery, radiotherapy etc, if some vitamin C would do the job? It's a placebo, and they can have a small positive effect, but that's not because the treatments work.

The best chance of having extra time sounds like this surgery, but it sounds like it's not something your friend wants - and quality of life is at least as important as quantity.

This is so difficult. Through my work I've encountered many people with late-stage cancer. Something I'd say is that it can be common to be fairly well until close to the end, and for the end to seem sudden and unexpected even if someone has a clear terminal diagnosis and has reached the time they'd been given by medics. A person's body can function up until a critical point where the tumour is just too large and causes a blockage, for example. Then it can be days. So yes even if she seems fairly well I'm afraid it could well be months.

If there are things you'd like to do together do them now, and I'm so sorry you're going through this

Gently OP, if they really would buy her time, they'd be treatments rather than alternative treatments. Very understandable not to go for the more brutal surgeries etc though.

Some people so last longer than the estimate, but at the same time when my dad was told six months he lasted just over a fortnight.

@CelesteCunningham
I know you're right.

But yes, the only surgery she was offered is incredibly brutal and incredibly extensive.

I find it hard to think, let's do this as it might be the last chance we get....then it's real and (rightly or wrongly) I can't face up to this.

It's so brutal to lose a friend, I lost my own best friend to cancer in our early 20s. It's so tough.

You can do this, just be there for her and follow her lead. She may want to do everything, she may not be feeling up to much. It's tough.

Meant to add that my approach is to keep things normal...how often I see her, how we spend our time together.

This seems to be what she's doing although I know that behind the scenes things will definitely be very different.

Her situation is far from normal.

I’m so sorry about your friend op.

Fwiw I think you are doing a great thing by following her lead and trying to keep things as normal as possible. 💐

I lost 2 of my closest friend last year.

Different cancers. Different friend groups.

One lasted 2 months the other 11 months.

Even right to the end, both were still talking about holidays and birthdays and what they were going to do when they were "better".

Neither ever gave up hope. It breaks your heart as their friend but all you can do is be there with them, comfort them, laugh with them, hold them and support their family.

I rarely cried with them, google "circle of grief".

It's a horrible journey for everyone, make sure you have someone to "dump" on.

Circle of Grief works by “comforting in, dumping out.” This means that support always goes to people in the inner circles, while expressions of worry, anger, or fear go to folks in the outer circles.

@Kai125
That makes a lot of sense re comforting and dumping out.

And my friend making plans is of course to give herself some hope.

I'm really sorry to say that having seen hundreds of patients try alternative therapies, I've never seen one work.

Some patients do however get a sense of control and comfort for doing them.

If she is getting a lot of pain is she known to her local community Specialist Palliative care team?

@AnnaMagnani
Yes, the sense of control and comfort her treatments afford her must be huge.

As far as I know, she isn't in severe pain. It's more a discomfort. Good days and bad days.
At least, that's how she describes it.

Her birthday is in August.
I don't know how to approach it..as it might be her last (that was very hard to write down).

Interesting to hear about Circle of Grief. Effectively that is what we did with a friend who passed away a year ago. My friend was given a few months when a very extensive cancer was identified. Those of us in her friendship circle decided our job was to keep her spirits up (as far as possible and sensitively) and ensure she felt cared for by us. Her treatment, unless she indicated she wanted input, was none of our business.

My feeling was this is an unfair and crap situation but she knows its unfair and crap and doesn't need me to tell her. It was hard seeing what she was going through and the sheer indignity of it all. However, I couldn't do anything about that. I could see her, send her messages, try to divert her and just be there.

So that's what we all did. If we needed support or to talk about it we just did it away from her. I like to think we made a big difference to her last few months.

I'm quite optimistic so I just held in mind that miracles can and do happen. People can be around much longer than the initial prognosis. It might be her last birthday or her last Christmas but, then again, it might not, so you carry on as if it isn't. Life is fragile and it could be the last birthday or Christmas for any one of us. Grieve her after she has passed. Enjoy your time with her whilst you can.

If the treatment won’t do more than buy her a bit of time, but that time is spent feeble and in pain as a result of the surgery and subsequent chemo, I can see why she’s choosing a different route.

Much better to spend time doing what you want and seeing who you love in the months remaining than spend them in a hospital bed unable to do anything.

I’m sorry your friend is dying, OP. Cancer is a bastard. I hope she’s able to wrest every last drop of joy from her life and see everyone she wants to see.

@ForPearlViper
Thank you for that positive advice.
I needed it.

@MonkeyTennis34 be prepared that you may start to go through some of the stages of grief and bereavement. I certainly did during my Dad’s last year - anger and tears are normal reactions.

WRT your friend’s birthday, celebrate as normal or as near normal e.g. cards, cake end flowed etc. Let her say what she wants.

Try to listen to what she says and asks for. Let her take the lead.

It may be difficult, but if you feel it is right try to help her put things in place e.g. a will, funeral plans etc.

For you, take photos and videos. I have a video of my Dad giving a speech so I can still hear him talk.

I am sorry your going through this.

i know what surgery she’s talking about and while it is brutal it could save her life. But obviously she’s made her decision and I would respect that. The alternative therapies she’s having are just that, sadly they don’t work and are just a money scam to people wanting a miracle. I am so sorry for her and you going through this.

My dearest school friend and first boy l ever kissed age 13.. was diagnosed with mouth cancer .. he was given months to live.. refused chemo.. was on morphine.. it spread within 4 weeks to his bones and brain.
He had palative care in the hospice and died 3 weeks later.
I'm so sorry about your friend and sending hugs and healing thoughts.