Mum dying and in shock

[Saddogmum73]

In the space of 3 weeks my mum has gone from being a fit 70 year old to having cancer in both lungs, breast, bowel, stomach, liver, brain and bones. Doctors have now confirmed she has days left. I can’t believe it and am in shock. Not sure what I am looking for but writing it down makes it more real.

I’m so sorry. It’s utterly shit.

I lost my mum when she was 70 too- and it was sudden and within the space of a week. Shock is the right word; it won’t feel real, so no point trying. Just try and get through hour to hour if you have to.

I have no words of advice other than to be really, really kind and gentle to yourself. It turns your world on its axis, but you will be alright again; there’s just no shortcut, and it’s shit.

Sending so much love 💕

Am so sorry. Your poor Mum . Just literally take every day at a time. Look after yourself and ensure your Mum is getting all the palliative care that is available.
sending love 💕

So sorry to hear this. 💐💐

I am so sorry. The suddenness means you haven't really time to process it. Be kind to yourself and make the most of what time you have with her.

I lost my mum at 70 too. Not quite so suddenly but it certainly didn't feel like her time.

To echo what PP's have said; it's utterly shit but does get better with time.

Remember there's no rule book on how you have to deal with this. One day at a time is all you can do. Spend at much time as you can with her, hold her hand and tell her you love her.

Sending you a virtual hug and hand hold ❤️

So sorry to read this - a big shock for you all. Sending kindness and thoughts to you and your family
As with PP be kind to yourself and make the most of these days
Thinking if you

I'm so sorry. It must be a massive shock for it to be so bad, so soon

Is there anyone you are sharing this with - siblings etc?

How is your Mum taking it and do you want to talk about her

We found out last month my Mum has kidney cancer. She has 3 CT scans tomorrow over various body parts to see how far it's spread. Feel in limbo at the moment

Sending love

OP, I'm very sorry you're going through this. Was she ill before or did it come completely out of the blue?
P.S. Fuck cancer!

Sending virtual hugs. As others say take it bit by bit, step by step.
Grief is a total fucker, the consequence of love. Just keep feeling, telling, remembering love. Let others step in to do the stuff you'd usually do in life so you can focus on you and your mum.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my father 10 days ago. We were told he had hours to days but he soldiered on for a week. It was a very, very difficult time when he was in hospital and there are other sad challenges to face now. I am also still processing it all. Take each hour/day/half a day as it comes. I hope you have some support from other family members?

I'm so sorry 😔

I'm going through this, the word is shock. Disbelief, anger, confusion.

I began a thread a few days ago in this section 😞

You just don't realise it can actually be a thing until it happens to someone you love.

If that makes sense.

I was throwing up and had the runs for two days, from shock.

Sorry tmi. I just know how hard it can hit. Many hugs to you from one daughter to another.

Try to take care of yourself. I know how it is. Xxxx

OP, I'll probably be going against the grain but I was once in your position. The difference being it took months and months of seeing my parent in pain, losing their mind slowly as the body wasted away but most of all, the pain is what sticks with me. It took forever and ever. It's a nasty thing to say, I know, many will disagree, but seeing your mum suffering for months and months on end is excruciating for the loved ones and very very difficult to get over. It's the worst kind of pain, a pain that isn't physical but in our heart and soul.
Those 3 weeks are a blessing in disguise. Make the best of the time you have now. Cherish the time you have now. Tell her you love her. More time doesn't mean better time. Sometimes more time is just more pain and suffering.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Your mother could live to be 100 and it would hurt just the same.

I am so sorry you are all going through this it truly is awful x

My Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with liver secondaries on the Mon and the following week she was gone. In that time (my sister and I) we laughed with her, stayed with her as much as possible, did normal things - Mum liked the crosswords and she was still able to do it right up till the end - so we did that with her every day - she wanted to send her grandchildren a little I love you video - so we did that. The tennis was on so we got the hospital
TV working so she could watch!! We just took it minute by minute somedays as among the stuff Mum wanted to do there was some awfulness.

Get signed up to every service - District Nursing, Palliative care - if your mum is at home make sure you know who you can call to help 24 hours a day. Don’t be afraid of syringe drivers (for pain relief) or anything that is going to make life easier for you all xx

Take care of yourselves too x

That is so very sad. I hope you have lots of support. 70 is really young. 💔

Oh op this is devastating.
We went through a very similar ordeal. My mum was 55 she died 3 weeks after she had been diagnosed. I take comfort from the fact she was not in pain.
You are in my prayers, take photos, eat lovely food together if she can, share memories, soak every bit of her love in x

My dad died very quickly after his diagnosis is oesophageal cancer with liver metastases last year at 66

Am so sorry. Fucking cancer.
It won't feel like it now but I thank god that he didn't suffer with being ill for months as he wouldn't of liked that either.
Dad still liked what he had enjoyed his whole life until very close to death . His radio, books etc.
He told me he just wanted to talk and be together so that's what we did ❤️
So sorry about your mum I hope she is pain free x

So sorry for you OP.
Similar happened to me with my mum 20 years ago.
It was horrific at the time, she was only 60 and fit as a fiddle to dead in 3 weeks. The few months after were a total blur. It was such a shock.

However, now looking back, and with more life experience (i was early 20’s when she died) I can see she had a good death. Fairly pain free, and quick. I’m grateful she didn’t spend years in pain/dementia etc.

So sorry / this happened to my mum too at the same age w lung cancer. Went from an active 70 year old to dead in a matter of weeks. She left it too long, the GP dismissed things etc and by the time it was diagnosed it was too late. It was really the worst but she went peacefully in the end

I'm so sorry, OP. I just lost my mum to cancer at 69. She was fit, healthy, slim, all the stuff she should be, just fucking cancer doesn't care.

Some thoughts, having just been through it and still dealing with things:

Tell her everything you want to tell her now. We didn't realise my mum was so unwell and there's stuff I didn't get to tell her. Do it now.

If she's able, have a gentle discussion about wishes for funeral, find out where her will is, stuff like her birth certificate. My mum left everything for us in a folder and it's made a horrendous time easier practically.

When the end comes, it might come quickly or it might not. I almost delayed going to see my mum because we were told it was days and weeks and it turned out to be hours, so if you're in a situation where you aren't sure if you should be there or not, be there.

And when the end comes, take the time to be present in the moment and give yourself the opportunity to take the time to sit with your mum after. There's no rush to get stuff done or let medical staff know or anything like that. Just sit with her, open a window, hold her hand, let yourself be present in that moment. The time for everything else comes after, but there is something very profound about being with someone when they start their journey to the next phase, whatever you believe in.

My mum died far too fucking soon, but her death was wonderful. It was totally peaceful, she had excellent quality of life till the end, no drawn out weeks and months in hospital or in a hospice. She walked into hospital at 9am, expecting to be out in a few hours, and had died by 3am the next morning, utterly peacefully and without distress. I wish it had been in 15+ years' time, but we were very lucky that when the end came, it came quickly and peacefully. I really hope it's the same for you, because that thought sustains me every day.

If you are with her when she passes, you will most likely get flashbacks about it. I get intrusive thoughts about it every day, but I also recognise the privilege of being able to be with her and hold her hand as she died, and in time I know the trauma part of it will lessen.

If you have young kids and your mum is well enough, get her to record herself reading a couple of kids' books so you have a record of her voice and something for them. I had a breakdown a couple of days after my mum died because I was terrified I would forget what her voice sounded like, then I remembered she had sent me quite a few videos on WhatsApp of her sending messages to my two girls that I was able to retrieve and save and back up everywhere.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's totally shit. My mum died a month ago today and I am still in a total fog of disbelief and shock about it. Be kind to yourself. I've been physically exhausted since it happened, I didn't really realise about the physical manifestations of both anticipatory grief and bereveament grief, but I hope you have a support network around you. Please take help when offered - I've had to force myself to do that as I'm naturally a bottler and an introvert, but I've forced myself to accept the offers of tea and a chat, company, etc. and it really has helped. xx

That's very tough. We've just lost my sister within a month of being diagnosed. I'm glad she wasn't unwell for longer , even though I'd have loved her to be around for as long as possible. I was grateful she was healthy until two months before she died , and grateful we have 10 days knowledge that it was terminal, to all is to adjust. It's still very hard, but those were th things I hung onto. Sending hugs

Sorry for disappearing, my lovely mum died earlier today, she wasn’t in pain but I don’t think I will ever get over seeing her shrinking and getting weaker and weaker in front of me.
In less than a month fit to being gone. Funeral is Thursday.
Thank you for all of your posts and sorry for anyone else who has gone through or is going through this.
F*uck cancer.

So very sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. It’s beyond hard to lose someone beloved to cancer so quickly the shock is awful. Sending you a gentle cyber hug
And yeah fuck cancer

I am so sorry for your loss. It is just the worst. 9 months since losing my mum and 3 years since my dad (both Cancer related). I am glad for you that she wasn’t in pain. Just take each day a step at a time, I found keeping myself busy helped a lot. We are always here if you need to talk or vent.

Fuck Cancer indeed.

Take care x

I'm so, so sorry. Cancer can get fucked. I care for my mum who has various health issues and I honestly don't know what I'd do when she passes. If you need any support please come back to the thread. My heart goes out to your family.

So sorry for your loss. It's truly shit, but just one day at a time. Thinking of you x