DH with incurable cancer and 3 kids under the age of 6

[seethebeauty84]

Hi there,

I don't really know why I'm posting this but I'm just in a hole and desperate to hear from people who may be / have been in similar situations, please. My amazing husband (38) has been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, which is incurable. We have three kids under the age of 6. He is the most incredible father, very hands on, and the kids all adore him.

I am so distraught on so many levels - devastated for him (I wish he didn't know he was going to die and miss out on them growing up), heartbroken for myself, but also just so so worried about what the hell this is going to do to the kids. It was my worst nightmare as a child to lose one of my parents and I can't believe this is going to be their reality. The future looks so hard and so bleak. I have no idea how it's possible to look after three tiny children by yourself when grieving the love of your life. And I can't help but think their childhood is over now.

If you have been in this situation, please give me some hope? Or if you lost a parent at a young age and are ok, maybe? Just anything to give me some hope that maybe all of our lives are not ruined... Thank you so much and love to anyone going through / who has gone through this. It's hell on earth and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm so sorry.

Sheryl Sandberg's husband died when their children were young and she wrote a book about it: Option B. She talks about the questions you have - will the kids be OK etc (they will). Worth the read if you have the head space.

OP I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you’re both going through. I haven’t experienced any of this personally, but my mum lost both her parents at a young age and it certainly didn’t ruin her life, of course it affected her somewhat growing up but she went on to have a great life. She remembers her parents with love. This must all be so overwhelmingly awful for you right now, but your children will be fine in the long run. Children are strangely resilient in ways that adults sometimes aren’t.

Sending you love and strength for the coming challenges, I just so wish you didn’t have to face them xx

what kind of prognosis has your husband been given.

I was diagnosed out the blue with stage 4 breast cancer 5 years ago. I still remember the day we were told sitting there in floods of tears when my mum asked “what’s the prognosis for this” i remember sitting thinking I don’t think I want to know the answer to this. It is in incurable but Just over 5 years on, I’m still doing ok. I’m still managing to work full time and doing most of what I was doing before.

Elisebev the average is 1-2 years. I'm so sorry about your breast cancer diagnosis and am glad you're doing well xxx

Does incurable mean terminal? Do you know the prognosis?

Cancer care seems to involve giving you the very worst news and working back from there. BIL was told his cancer was incurable more than 10 years ago. It was, in that he still has cancer, but it's controlled by drugs and he's very fit and well. He cycled Lands End to John O Groats last year

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I don't have any advice, but I do have some experience to share about your children.

I list my father when I was 4. My mum was left at 40 with 3 children under 10. She is a fantastic woman and when I look back now I can't even fathom how she did what she did. When I've asked her she simply said ' I had no option but to get on with it'. We're all 30+ now and in professional jobs. Have an incredible relationship with our mum.

I'm not saying it wasn't hard. Make memories and take lots of photos of your children with their father, that's the one thing I wish we had.

Do school know?

At mine we have counsellors in to work with the children although this is secondary school.

I’m so sorry this is happening and I can’t imagine what he must be going through.
But remember that either one of you could die any day before then.

The majority of people I know had someone die suddenly and so they were given bereavement counselling etc.

The few that had parents with terminal illness were told that their parent was poorly but weren’t told they were dying until a few days before and it was obvious that it was going to be soon.

My advice would be to live every day as full as you can enjoy it.
And to also be as practical as possible - eg funeral arrangements, will/life insurance, a guardian Incase anything happens to you, finances, if you don’t work you could think about doing some training so you are able to get a job when the time comes.

What is a lovely idea is if he got birthday cards for the next 20 years for each of them and wrote them in advance with a special message or joke which showed his personality.
He could also do a video message about how much he loves them etc
I know this will be very difficult for him to do.

I would also video and take as many photos as you can so they can remember what he’s like.

so sorry to read this , OP.
💐💐

Thanks so much for the replies so far. They mean a lot. What I've realised I should add is that this is not a long-term survival but will die before old age thing. He's likely got 1-2 years at most. love xx

Sorry to read this

Your DC will be ok. Research shows that children who lose a parent to death often fair better than those of divorce when one parent has minimal/no involvement with them.

They will grieve but they will be ok

A relative of mine was recently given 5 months, he went after 3. Prepare yourself as anything could happen.
And will your kids be ok ? Yes, another relative lost mum when he was 2, he knows no different and is doing well.

I'm so sad for you and your family OP. I hope you have a good support system around you. I'd be making lots of fantastic memories before he gets too ill. Perhaps he could write a wedding card and 18th.birthday card for each of your dear children for you to keep safely for them. When my Grandad knew he was dying before my Mum grew up, she was 10, he bought her a little pearl broach to be given to her on her wedding day. She treasured it throughout her whole life. Take lots of photos. Try to plan ahead now as you might not feel able to make many important decisions at the time of his death. Make every day count.

Winston's Wish is a children's bereavement charity which also offers support to families when a family member is seriously ill and may die. There may be similar local support too. https://www.winstonswish.org/serious-illness/

I’m so sorry to hear this OP.
My dad died just before I was 5 (now early 50s). As I child, I don’t think it affected me particularly only that we didn’t have a car (mum never learned to drive) and that money was tight. My mum was amazingly strong, having lost her first husband too when my half-brothers were very young. I remember a home full of love, even if from only one parent.
As I’ve got older, I have felt the need to grieve for the loss I didn’t feel as a child (hope that makes sense).
I’m now a primary school teacher and see the support that can be put in place for young children. My advice would be to take advantage of this as much as you can.

I'm so sorry your having to go through this, all of you.
I don't have any personal experience with losing a parent, although I lost a step parent as a teen but was very different.
One thing I wish I had was videos, a recording of their voice, a birthday card with their familiar writing, a message for those times in the future when it's hard.
Video all of you, including yourself just doing stupid things like gardening or cooking. It's the day to day memories that you end up cherishing the most rather than just the big ones.
And for you, think what decisions may occur in the future that you'd like your husbands input in when he may not be with you and talk about those things now so when those moments happen your not thinking I wish he could help me make this choice (although you will have those moments too).
Your children will grieve, you will grieve, don't hide it from them. Grieve altogether and speak to your GP beforehand to see if there's any services they can provide to support you and your children. Counselling doesn't have to be after the fact, but can be used in preparation. Lean on whatever family you have around you now as well.
I can only imagine how difficult having to even think about this is, and for your husband knowing he won't see your future the way you planned it. Grieve comes in waves, you're the ship and sometimes you'll rise with it and sometimes it'll crash over the sides but you will see the other side of each wave ❤️
I really hope non of this comes across insensitive or factual, I wish you all the best

I lost my father early. It honestly didn’t define me. It was what it was. As I got older I reacted more emotionally to father of the bride speeches and sometimes imagined what it would have been like to have a father around, but as a child all I felt was love and all I’m left with is enormous gratitude to my amazing mum.
He too knew in advance he would die
i would have loved for him to write down his favourite colour, film, book, flower, Place etc so that’s the only practical advice I can give. But I’m sending you a handhold and sending courage and hope that you take some time to take care of yourself as well because when the worst happens your children will need you to be the strongest, fittest version of yourself you can be and if that means taking time to yourself for a walk or a swim or a cup of coffee in the garden the I encourage you to try to include them now and in the future.

My ds2 found his Dad when he passed away just before his fifth birthday... Winstons Wish were amazing and gave brilliant support...

I am so sorry for all of you.
My friend lost her dh in an accident when the children were 3,6 and 9 more than 20 years ago. They grew up into wonderful young adults.
She had no local family, but friends were able to step in to support her, and so did the school. They are a close, happy family.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I don't have personal experience of this, but what I can say is my children (a smidge older) love hearing about things like our wedding day, the days of each of their births, things about us that may not be everyday chat like what we liked to do when we were young, school trips we went on, funny friend stories etc.

If your dh has the heads pace for it, maybe he could jot down how he felt at hey moments in the children's lives, and some memories of his own youth, and you can choose when to share these with the dc in the future.

My dad was declared "terminal" in about 1993, we didn't think he would have long, and he died in 1999, so he lived for many more years than we thought.
I hope the prognosis is inaccurate and you have more years together.
It's a horrible and worrying time though. Wishing you strength.

i was 6 when my father died on Christmas eve....I had a younger sister and my mother didn't have any family in this country as she was not british. We stayed here and a couple of years later my mother remarried and I had the most wonderful step-father. It is a dreaful shame but I do not remember my father at all - nothing! I remember things my mother told me and obviously I have looked at photos but I have no real memories. It is so sad, but your younger children are unlikely to remember their dad but it would be good to make memory boes with photos and letters from him to them etc.. I would have loved something tangible to have to remember him. What I would say is that all children are different but my sister and I went on to have a very happy childhood and upbringing.
Very sad that you are in this situation.

My DH died of cancer at 37, my children were 3 and a newborn... I was devastated. I thought our lives were over. That was 15 years ago and they're now almost grown up, very happy and secure. I've remarried and honestly it's ok. It's a sadness I'll never forget but life is good again. It will be for you too. PM me if you want x

Hi OP, a friend of mine had this type of cancer. He hung on for years and amazingly managed to write a - highly demanding - doctoral dissertation in the midst of treatment, although he did say later "I can tell I was on drugs when I wrote that." Later on he sadly deteriorated a lot - exhaustion to the point that a phone conversation often became difficult. This was a phase lasting over an extended period, so not a quick fading and I am sure heartbreaking for his wife to watch. With children this would have been so much harder to manage.

Not sure what I'm even trying to say here, except you'll need to build a top-notch support network, both friends and family, given that this type of illness can be so drawn out and so debilitating at the same time. Very hard for you on your own to keep normal life going for them at the same time. As pp are saying, the more you can open up to people and accept help, the better. Maybe even including keeping a support thread running on here if that helps you cope.

Hugs from afar.

Hi - I have stage 4 bowel cancer. Was diagnosed almost 4 years ago when my children were aged 6-11. I have had a lot of chemo/radio/surgery/targeted therapy and still live a pretty normal life despite being on treatment every other week. It's very hard at times, but the children have been brilliant and cope very well. Mentally it's as hard as it is physically - all the what ifs - I try to just take each day as it comes, don't plan anything too far in advance and keep life as normal as possible for my children.
There are many good support groups for bowel cancer online through bowelcancer uk (the charity) both on fb and on their internet forums - support for you as a carer/family - and for him "living well with stage 4 bowel cancer". This has been invaluable for me as sadly there are many of us diagnosed at a younger age with young families. Do seek support - it will help. Macmillan have also been invaluable for counselling.

I'm so sorry to read this.
My friend was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and she survived 18 months.

She had 2 DC who were 8 and 6 when she passed away. I remember crying so much for my loss but also for what her girls would be feeling.

5 years on and they are doing great. They are genuinely happy and doing really well in school. Their dad is getting remarried. They had grief counselling and I would definitely recommend contacting them and starting the process.

From such a dark place happiness has blossomed.