DH with incurable cancer and 3 kids under the age of 6

[seethebeauty84]

Hi there,

I don't really know why I'm posting this but I'm just in a hole and desperate to hear from people who may be / have been in similar situations, please. My amazing husband (38) has been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, which is incurable. We have three kids under the age of 6. He is the most incredible father, very hands on, and the kids all adore him.

I am so distraught on so many levels - devastated for him (I wish he didn't know he was going to die and miss out on them growing up), heartbroken for myself, but also just so so worried about what the hell this is going to do to the kids. It was my worst nightmare as a child to lose one of my parents and I can't believe this is going to be their reality. The future looks so hard and so bleak. I have no idea how it's possible to look after three tiny children by yourself when grieving the love of your life. And I can't help but think their childhood is over now.

If you have been in this situation, please give me some hope? Or if you lost a parent at a young age and are ok, maybe? Just anything to give me some hope that maybe all of our lives are not ruined... Thank you so much and love to anyone going through / who has gone through this. It's hell on earth and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I just had to say I think you are amazing op, your children are so lucky to have you. Sending you so much love at this awful time ❤️

I'm so sorry to hear this. My DD lost her other parent 3 years ago when she was just 5. Of course it was a huge thing. But she is doing great. She is a happy, normal, well-adjusted kid who finds joy in all the normal kid things. Is doing really well at school.

it will be very very hard, but it won't ruin their lives or childhoods. You will find strength you could never have imagined. Lean on the people who want to support you. X

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I lost my dad when I was 3 but despite that had a really happy childhood, am totally fine and in awe of how my mum managed!

I did have a lot of separation anxiety as a child, but I didn't have any counselling or similar support as it wasn't really what happened then - I think the support available to your children now will make a big difference so talk to the school, Winston's Wish etc.

Do remember to look after yourself though, of course your children will take priority but let yourself be a bit selfish at times. My mum didn't do anywhere near enough for herself as she was too busy being everything for me and I wish she'd put herself first at times too.

We lost DH ten years ago this week. My boys were 5 and 3. I'm not going to say it's easy. I am still constantly exhausted. I've had a couple of relationships, but none were good enough for my boys (my feeling, not theirs). Their dad was amazing. My issue has been lack of family support (so meeting someone else has been tricky because I solo parent 24/7 365 days a year. I didn't want my boys to miss out on what we would have done. Ds1 said tonight, "You are so together, even when people think you shouldn't be. I don't know how you've managed that!" I'm not sure either, but here we are. We've done soooo much! (TV appearances, moved to a different country, started a business and a football team, climbed Snowdon (3x!), all adventurous activities, lobbied Parliament, played for a football academy..)

My eldest has some mental heath issues, but he's been through a lot of unlinked medical stuff too so the combo hasn't been great for him. However, both boys are straight A students and day to day they are polite, have good friends, and we are a very close little family. We play lots of sport together and live a good life.

Take one step at a time. I hope your DH will do better than expected. When the time comes, Winston's Wish is great and so is WAY Widowed and Young. It's a marathon not a sprint. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

My DH was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer with a prognosis of just a few weeks. He lasted nearly 3 years. It was tough but that was precious time. The kids were 14 and 16 when he died. They suffered but they're doing well.
Macmillan were really helpful with benefits and blue badges. They got us PIP which unlocked so much more.
Having some me-time helped to keep me going. As did the good folk of Mumsnet - pop over to the storm threads to find people in similar situations
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/4729740-the-storm-part-3
You're not alone.

My mum lost her dad to bladder cancer when she was 7 and he was in his early 40s, this was back in the 1950s.
They did the British thing of doing everything differently to how we do these days - my mum was sent away and didn’t even know he was ill, then was just told “I’m afraid your father was very ill, didn’t get better and has gone to heaven”. She basically said they never talked about it because she didn’t want to upset her mum, and her mum didn’t want to talk about it as she didn’t want to upset her. They only talked about it many years later.
ANYWAY, despite this extreme example of stiff upper lip, my mum is lovely and has had a wonderful life with loads of friends and a long happy marriage to my dad. She says she feels that in some way, losing him so young meant that she went through the sadness and grief before she even understood what was happening. She remembers her dad very clearly but her life was definitely not ruined by losing him so young.
I feel for you desperately, but hopefully they can manage the cancer for a long time, and maybe treatments will emerge in the meantime.

I have heard that too. Children of bereavement fair better than children of divorce because they are allowed to grieve.

I know a lovely woman from church who was widowed with young twins and a toddler and they are charming children and she manages beautifully. Do you belong to a Church? In so many ways it could be helpful to you.

My heart goes out to you. 🙏

Hi OP,

I've been in a similar situation, albeit it a different cancer and only one child, so firstly huge hugs to you.

There no point in denying that the whole thing is a rollercoaster. My DP died last year, almost three years on from diagnosis. My LO was very upset, but kids are so resilient and accepting and they process things so differently to adults.
Have any of the cancer charities been in touch? They can provide counselling for the whole family.

Looking back, my biggest regret was not having enough physical help. Unfortunately, my DP was released from hospital in a very weakened state with no care package (as there was none available) just before Covid, and because of Covid, it was years before I got any carers to help and his physical health had deteriorated greatly in that time. By the time help came, I was completely burnt out by the demands of working FT (from home during that time), caring FT, child raising and looking after the house.

My advice is to take all the physical help you can get and make sure you're not fobbed off (which is not easy when you're emotionally drained, I know). I really regret that I spent so much of our last few years together exhausted, grumpy at times and just going through motions. The time you have left together is so precious. Accept all the help you can get, take as many breaks as you can.