Witnessed mum die of cancer and traumatised

[justwren]

Hi.
My mum died this week.
She had cancer, and had been having treatment for some time. I was summoned to the hospital and saw she was very ill and on oxygen.
We watched her take her last breath, after some hours of watching her struggling and looking like she was in so much pain. She kept trying to say things but none of us could hear/understand the words.

I feel so frightened and in shock. I didn't expect her to die this week, and was completely unprepared. I wish I hadn't seen her like that, and I wish I hadn't seen her in her final moments. The horror of it is seared onto my brain. I wonder if I will have ptsd from it.
I wish I'd left the room.

Can anyone relate to this? Was anyone there in those final moments who can reassure me I won't be so traumatised forever?
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Like nothing is worth doing. I wasn't even that close to her.

Yes my mum died last November after vascular altzimers for 10 years. She had forgotten who i I was for the last 5 years.

On the day she died I happened to clip her nails and cream her hands as dad had asked me to. It was the same old same old her off with the fairies and me rushing to sort them and off to do a million and one other things with my children and grandchildren.

She suddenly grasped my hand and looked me in the eye. Gasped for breath and hyper ventilate all whole looking AT me for a few minutes snd then died.

I told her to let go snd it was ok. We had no communication for 10 plus years but I swear to god she knew me and we communicated seconds before she died.

Op no advice

It's shite. We all die. Big hugs x

I'm so very sorry @justwren 😥. I watched my Husband die in similar circumstances 2.5years ago and the trauma is just horrific, time makes it a little less so but it's always there. I have been in therapy and EDMR has really helped. Sending 🫶🏼

I’m so sorry for your mums passing Op. I can relate I lost my mum from cancer in the middle of lockdown. She was in a nursing home and I wasn’t allowed into the home until the last couple of weeks of her life. I felt very angry about the rules only allowed in after palliative care had been agreed and only one person, so I had to sit with her on my own with no support. I had only seen deaths on tv where they slip peacefully away! But my mum didn’t go peacefully she was in so much pain and the drs were still sorting out pain meds after she’d gone! It affected me so much that I think I had a mini breakdown. I finally got some help from Cruse and they were wonderful. It was just so much help being able to talk to others some that had been through similar. Now Iwhen I think about her death I focus on the pain she was in and now she’s free from it. You’re not going to get over the trauma quickly there’s no quick fixes but it’s won’t feel so raw as time goes on. You just learn to live with it, that’s the only choice I’m afraid. Sending you a big hug x

@bagelbagelbagel, my Mum died of pancreatic cancer too. Such a horrible death. My sister's and I moved back into her home and cared for her. We were told it could be up to 3 months but in the end it was less than 6 weeks. Like you in the beginning I could think of nothing else but now 10 years later I remember all the little loving things she did for me and what a happy childhood she have me. The only time I remember how she died is when I hear those horrible words, pancreatic cancer. It must be one of the worst ways to die. OP you will forget in time. I think it took me almost 2 years but it faded after the first year.

There are so many different medications available that absolutely no one should be in pain ! Palliative nurse and hospice are experts at managing pain ,anxiety am so sorry.Xx

My mum died of cancer too. After suffering horribly for months before she slipped away fairly peacefully, though she was sweating like nothing I've ever seen. At the moment she died I had to stop myself screaming Don't Go even though her death had been expected for a few days.

I had some flashbacks of the moment of her death when her colour changed but not for long. I often think it's so horrible that life so often ends in such a difficult way. The process of being born probably isn't great either.

Take as much time as you need to process your mum's death. Do or don't do whatever you find most helpful.

This is absolutely not true. There are huge limitations in what palliative care can do. Even with the best care, which many people won’t get, many, many people (I think about a third, but don’t quote me on that) will die in pain because none of the medications have an effect.

Sending lots of love
I was with my grandmother when she died of cancer over 10 years ago, and it has definitely shaped a lot of things in my life since.
like others have said there was nothing peaceful about it all and I will never forget the noises she was making in those last hours.
I have since gone on to have awful health anxiety from this, as I feel like after seeing that, I live in fear or anyone in my life getting ill like that again.
I can’t offer any advice, I just wanted to say that I totally get how awful it is xxx