Witnessed mum die of cancer and traumatised

[justwren]

Hi.
My mum died this week.
She had cancer, and had been having treatment for some time. I was summoned to the hospital and saw she was very ill and on oxygen.
We watched her take her last breath, after some hours of watching her struggling and looking like she was in so much pain. She kept trying to say things but none of us could hear/understand the words.

I feel so frightened and in shock. I didn't expect her to die this week, and was completely unprepared. I wish I hadn't seen her like that, and I wish I hadn't seen her in her final moments. The horror of it is seared onto my brain. I wonder if I will have ptsd from it.
I wish I'd left the room.

Can anyone relate to this? Was anyone there in those final moments who can reassure me I won't be so traumatised forever?
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Like nothing is worth doing. I wasn't even that close to her.

I haven't experienced this but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss.
What you've experienced sounds traumatic, I hope someone wiser can offer you advice/comfort soon on here

You could ask to speak with her cancer nurse specialist. Charities like Macmillan or Maggie's do offer a counselling service. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time

Sorry for your loss. It is very normal to feel profoundly shaken and have symptoms like flashbacks and inability to stop thinking about distressing experiences. And of course you have a load of grief to deal with too.

I hope it helps to know that research shows humans are amazingly resilient and only about 10% of people go on to develop PTSD even after horrible disasters. Things you can do to help yourself include talking to people (generally not counselling at this stage, just talking with friends), trying to avoid self-medicating with alcohol etc, taking care of your body through eating well, getting out for walks in the fresh air and other things that lift your mood. Weirdly playing tetris is also thought to reduce risk of PTSD! It may also help to consciously remember times when your presence or actions made a positive difference, however small - even just being there for your mum at a time when she needed you. This will all help you process your experiences and grief. 🌷

Hi OP. I was with my dad when he died. At 62, he looked 82 with his illness having robbed him of everything that made him him, he was a shadow of his former self. Like your mum, the last few hours his breathing was difficult. He was gaunt and frail in the end. I witnessed his last breaths and I'll never forget the look on his face as he passed. For a while, it's all I could see any time I thought about him but it did pass, perhaps sooner than I thought. I do think our brains are incredibly strong and I certainly feel like I've blocked it out. Now I struggle to remember his few years of illness in any detail and my memories are happy ones. It was horrific at the time but now I'm so pleased we could be with him at the end to hold his hand and give him a hug. After he passed, I spoke with a counsellor associated at a charity for his illness and she was amazing. It really helped me process and come to terms with everything that happened. If that's a possibility it's definitely worth exploring. Take the time and space to do anything that makes you feel better or gives you comfort. I found it difficult to socialise for a while but found running gave me a break, I could think, process and exercise felt like a release of something that was filling up inside me. You've been through so much and so unexpectedly, there's so much to process but it will get better.

How absolutely horrible for you OP. Take your time to grieve, don't feel pressure to be 'normal'. Please seek counselling, talk through your ordeal with a therapist and with trusted family/friends. Let them know at work you are going through a difficult patch. All the best to you.

OP, the way to think about it, is that your mum is free from pain now. She's not struggling any more.

I've had this twice, and no matter how much warning you have, it still comes as a horrible shock. Losing someone is awful, seeing it happen is worse, but you were there with her, right to the end and that will have given her huge comfort. Well done.

Now you need to give yourself time. Be kind, let yourself grieve. Feeling shocked and scared and upset is normal. It will take time for that feeling to pass, so don't expect too much of yourself too soon. You might feel very tired too xx

So sorry for your loss. Dp lost his father to cancer unexpectedly quickly a few years ago and it was very difficult.

What I can say is, slowly, over time, he has been able to think of positive memories of his father rather than the difficult end and has been able to come to terms with his loss. It’s also brought him closer to his mother.

Some good advice from other posters. Do bear counselling in mind. It doesn’t have to be now, next year or ever but I do know bereaved friends who have benefited.

So sorry for your loss OP 💐

I've been through something very very similar. My mum died of pancreatic cancer and her ending was similar, it wasn't a lovely calm 'slipping away', her pain wasn't managed properly and her ending wasn't calm.

I live with the trauma every day but I have learned how to live with it over time.

The first year I was paralysed by the trauma, now it creeps into my life occasionally. When I think of Mum now it isn't of her last hours, it's when she was alive and vibrant.

Just be kind to yourself OP, it is a LOT.

I don't like how there is this expectation to be there in the final moments.

I certainly would not like people to be there watching me struggle etc and it to impact them the way it has done for you either.

I have read that often, people die once others have left the room.

Yes, I saw my mum die of cancer too. It was horrific but over a year later, I don't feel traumatised as such. So so sorry for your loss.

I know Cruse have been helpful to someone I know for bereavement counselling. I think it is free

It sounds like you may benefit from a de briefing with the medical team, have you had much contact with the hospital bereavement office yet?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my dm to cancer recently, I was with her. I had tried to prepare myself, if that’s even possible, and I had been recommended to read a book called With the end in Mind. I think that really did help, I wonder if that might help you retrospectively. I also try to take comfort in the fact she’s no longer in pain.

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. I lost mine last summer and although it wasn't cancer, it was also very traumatic and over a few days.

Sadly, death often isn't the slipping quietly away / last breath / drifting off we all hope for.

It can be a horrible, drawn-out, lonely and brutal business. I remember being stuck in a hospital Googling 'signs someone is near the end' as I just wanted it to stop. And then feeling unbelievably guilty.

Massive hugs for you. And do you know, the most important thing is that you WERE there. You could have left and walked out but you didn't. You stayed and it was sad and awful but you were there with your mum. And that's incredibly brave because it's very very hard watching someone you love die.
Take care

When I had a traumatic experience around the death of a loved one, a mental health nurse gave me a bit of advice that really helped. I was told whenever I had intrusive thoughts about the situation (in your case, seeing what your mum was going through in those final hours) then I should try to turn my thoughts towards remembering my loved one in a way that I knew them day-to-day. I did this consistently, and it really helped, over time. I was worried about developing PTSD since I have had it before, but I didn't, fortunately.

If you feel you need more support IRL, please seek it out. There is lots of help out there

I've been there op, sending you love and hugs.

I had counselling and it did help me. Not for everyone, but my dads last moments was all I could think about.

After some time grieving for my dad I started to think about our memories together and not what happened the moment he died.

Somethings do trigger me 8 years later, I can sometimes smell the smell the room had when he died. And I have to shake it out my head, I literally shake my head (not sure why think it's my way of being like no, get out my head) and I try and focus on a happy memory.

💖

I am sorry for your loss and the trauma surrounding it. I was with each of my parents when they died, also of cancer.
My mum’s passing - she was agitated and fighting for breath. It was not unexpected in its timing but I didn’t expect t her body to fight so hard. My DA’s was more peaceful.

Both stayed with me for a long time but I take comfort from knowing I was there to hold their hands, and talking gently to them. Will never know if it helped them, but it still helps me.

I'm so very sorry OP. DP and I were with MIL when she died last summer. It was awful and harrowing and I still feel shaken up by it. I'm glad I was there for DP, but for myself I wish I hadn't experienced it

I think how you're feeling is entirely normal. As other posters said, you're dealing with a lot, and it will take time to process. I'm sure you're still massively in shock. Please keep sharing on here if it helps x

Sorry for your loss OP.
In answer to your question, yes I can relate to how you are feeling. Dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer in September 2020...6 weeks later he took his last breath. He was at home and me and my siblings were with him, but I really wish I hadn't been. For a long time after the memory of seeing and hearing that final gasp haunted me. He was under the care of the Dorothy House Hospice team who put me in touch with a bereavement specialist which helped.

I can relate so much to your post. My dm passed away just over two years ago and I was horrified by it, it wasn’t the peaceful looking death I imagined and I can’t lie I was pained by it for a long time. Added to that she had Covid and so I couldn’t go near her. I had ‘guilt’ dreams for several weeks. My dad passed away just before Xmas and his death though drawn out was peaceful and what I imagined. I promise, absolutely promise, you will get over this. It’s awful, no one prepares you and no one talks about it. You will be ok and one day, maybe sooner than you imagine, the death won’t be the first thing you think of when you think of your mum. You’ll have to bring the memory to mind. And then you’ll know you’re healing. Be gentle to yourself. I had antidepressants and sleeping tablets and counseling after my mums death but I didn’t need them after my dads. It’s a big old cliche but it’s said for a reason, take every day as it comes and time heals it really does. Love to you

Hi, yes. Last year we went through the same thing in our living room with mil. I know what you’ve seen and I’m so sorry. We literally felt we were in hell with her.

One year on we are all okay. The memories faded. We are not traumatised long term.

I’ve been through this (with both my parents) and the first time was very traumatic too as I was not prepared for what it would really be like. We as a society are very removed from death and I don’t think this helps people to prepare and process.

While the memories are difficult, please take comfort in the fact that your mum would have known you were with her. I’m sure this would have made her last moments a little better.

Be kind to yourself and when you feel ready seek out some talking therapy to process what has happened.

I haven't experienced this but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss.
What you've experienced sounds traumatic, I hope someone wiser can offer you advice/comfort soon on here

Short answer is that yes I did. I found it so disturbing I couldn’t be in the room for the last few hours. I had counselling which helped massively. I had a pretty deep seated fear of death too but has also been sorted via counselling. I also know that everything I saw and heard was entirely normal, I just wasn’t prepared for it. You’ll be ok and in time you may feel pride that you supported your Mum at tge end of her life. X