Please or to access all these features

Life-limiting illness

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

My lovely brother - stage 4 rectal cancer

183 replies

CloseYourMouthLynn · 08/02/2022 14:17

Hi, thanks in advance to anyone who reads this, as I need to get it off my chest and wonder whether anyone has a similar experience. My brother is 40, and has a lovely wife and 5 year old son.

About 3.5 years ago he was diagnosed with rectal cancer, we thought they'd removed it and he had a stoma fitted. Unfortunately, it spread to both lungs and liver. Various rounds of treatment later and quite recently it was looking more positive, with talks of him taking part in an NHS immunotherapy drug trial at the Royal Marsden and the tumours showing minimal growth.

Then a week ago, he had headaches and sickness. A GP, who clearly didn't read his notes, prescribed him painkillers. My eldest brother forced him to go to the hospital and a scan confirmed that it has spread to his brain and he has two lesions, one around 3cm and one 9mm in the right frontal lobe.

We are all beyond devastated and I can't stop crying about my lovely brother and the idea that
we actually might lose him to this horrible disease, which I assume is now advanced incurable. He is being positive as can be. My parents, who have always been heavy drinkers, are turning to this and being angry with the rest of us, understandably I know but they have a history of alcoholism. His wife, who attends all the appointments, thinks he can be cured but my sister and eldest brother both know this is unlikely but don't know how to even broach this with my parents.

Unfortunately I live a couple of hours away from them all but have offered to attend appointments as I'm on mat leave.

Sorry for the essay as I suppose I was wondering if anyone else any experience of anyone with secondary stage 4 brain cancer who defied odds or what we should expect realistically?

Thank you to anyone who reads and replies.

OP posts:
Isthisreasonable · 24/06/2022 19:48

So sorry for your loss. Xx

CloseYourMouthLynn · 24/06/2022 19:53

@SinnermanGirl your words are lovely, thank you. X

OP posts:
dolphinsarentcommon · 24/06/2022 20:14

I'm so sorry OP

I can empathise because I was in exactly the same situation 2 years ago. My lovely big brother too.

I wish I had words to help you, but sadly I don't. It almost broke me tbh, and I wish you every strength to get through these very dark days.

2 years on its different. Still cry often, still can't think about it really. But it's not there the whole time.

Feel free to PM if you feel like it.

Gingermoth · 24/06/2022 20:16

I am so sorry for you and your family x

Georgeskitchen · 24/06/2022 20:26

So sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to be there with him at the end. Cancer is such a cruel illness, I lost my younger sister with it last year. I was with her at the end and that was a small comfort to me xx

CloseYourMouthLynn · 24/06/2022 20:29

Thank you @dolphinsarentcommon and @Georgeskitchen and I'm sorry for your losses. Siblings are precious. I have lost a part of myself.

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 24/06/2022 20:46

I'm so sorry to hear this news - I hope you being present with so many loved ones will give you comfort as you greive

ShirleyPhallus · 24/06/2022 20:52

I am so sorry to read this thread OP and your sad update. He sounds so loved and so lucky to have such a close family.

wishing you peace and strength Flowers

stopringingme · 24/06/2022 20:56

So sorry for your loss, he will know how much you loved him. Flowers

SquirrelSoShiny · 24/06/2022 21:00

Very sorry for your loss OP.

Redhead37 · 24/06/2022 21:05

I'm thinking of you, your family and your brothers loved ones at this time. It's heart wrenching. The pain of grief never goes.. you just learn to live with it. The world is a different place now for you and your family. Everything looks, feels and sounds different. Just take every day. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. My thoughts are so with you xxxxx

OwlBee · 24/06/2022 21:13

I am so sorry for your loss. Your idea of a memory book sounds lovely. Sending hugs 💐

Momtotwokids · 24/06/2022 21:18

I am so sorry for your family's loss. Cancer is too cruel and effects so many.🙏

WingingItSince1973 · 24/06/2022 21:29

Am so truly sorry for the loss of your precious brother. I too sat with my brother nearly 16 years ago and held his hand as he passed away. Was the most surreal yet horrific moment for me. But I felt it an absolute privilege to be with him. I remember my mum bringing him home when he was born. I was five years old and I couldn't even remember her being pregnant. So to me I was there for him at the end too. I still have dreams about him and they are always precious dreams and although I wake up sad I feel we've spent a little time together. Sorry if that's weird. Loosing a sibling is so hard. It's hard to find your place and if it leaves you the only sibling like it did me that is also hard as I felt responsible for my parents and tried to care for them even though I also had a new born. I hope you all get support and keep those treasured memories close. So sorry for you and all those that loved him xxxx

Sitdowncupoftea · 24/06/2022 21:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Bouledeneige · 24/06/2022 21:38

Dear OP

I'm so sorry. If I'm honest it doesn't sound promising. That's very very hard to think about it. Of course you love him so much and it's impossible to imagine a bad outcome.

I have just lost a dear friend diagnosed in December 2019. It was a deadly diagnosis from the beginning. Her first year she struggled with isolating during covid and a healthy dose of despair. She was given anti-depressants and they helped hugely.

She was advised that the treatments would for a period, stabilise her life, but at some point it would all rapidly decline. She lived longer than anyone expected and lived life to the full - the way she wanted to live it. I'm sure it's of no comfort to you right now but I can honestly say that everyone who loved her is relieved and grateful that she had the best possible last years of her life - surrounded with everyone she loved. And her husband - my dear pal from the first year of uni and his best woman at the wedding - was amazing and ensured she got what she wanted for a good death.

I'm crying writing this and feel for you. I'm still in grief as are all her family.

ShirleyPhallus · 24/06/2022 21:39

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Read the thread FFS or at least the OP’s updates. so bloody lazy.

Neverendingdust · 24/06/2022 21:41

My mum had brain mets after a gruelling 4 year battle with ovarian, just when you think cancer couldn’t possibly get any worse, it seemingly does. She had radiotherapy to reduce them but by that point the spread was also in her bones and abdomen.

She didn’t experience headaches, instead her mood and personality changed as if overnight and she started doing strange dangerous things like leaving the tap running, left the oven on, in her mind she was doing one thing yet actually doing something completely different. We mentioned this to her oncologist who sent her for the MRI which confirmed it was indeed on the brain.

The best advice I was given during the whole nightmare was to look after myself. So please look after yourself OP and make sure your lovely brothers wife does the same too. The patient has plenty of people looking after them so focus some time on yourself because the effects of watching someone go through this can be exhausting and draining for the loved ones.

Neverendingdust · 24/06/2022 21:45

I’ve just seen your update, so very sorry for your loss OP. My advice still stands even more so now, be sure to look after yourself.

Furrydogmum · 24/06/2022 21:45

I'm so very sorry for your loss x

Munchies123 · 24/06/2022 21:52

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ThisIsHowYouDoIt · 24/06/2022 22:07

May his beautiful soul rest in peace. Cancer is just devastating. I’m thinking of you right now and holding you closely in my heart x

SantaMonicaPier · 24/06/2022 22:07

So very sorry for your loss. Your brother was obviously deeply loved.

Aghh · 24/06/2022 22:25

Gosh nothing to add but hugs to you and your lovely brother xxx

WhatsHoppening · 24/06/2022 23:01

I’m so sorry for your loss OP siblings are such a special relationship your sadness is completely understandable