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My lovely brother - stage 4 rectal cancer

183 replies

CloseYourMouthLynn · 08/02/2022 14:17

Hi, thanks in advance to anyone who reads this, as I need to get it off my chest and wonder whether anyone has a similar experience. My brother is 40, and has a lovely wife and 5 year old son.

About 3.5 years ago he was diagnosed with rectal cancer, we thought they'd removed it and he had a stoma fitted. Unfortunately, it spread to both lungs and liver. Various rounds of treatment later and quite recently it was looking more positive, with talks of him taking part in an NHS immunotherapy drug trial at the Royal Marsden and the tumours showing minimal growth.

Then a week ago, he had headaches and sickness. A GP, who clearly didn't read his notes, prescribed him painkillers. My eldest brother forced him to go to the hospital and a scan confirmed that it has spread to his brain and he has two lesions, one around 3cm and one 9mm in the right frontal lobe.

We are all beyond devastated and I can't stop crying about my lovely brother and the idea that
we actually might lose him to this horrible disease, which I assume is now advanced incurable. He is being positive as can be. My parents, who have always been heavy drinkers, are turning to this and being angry with the rest of us, understandably I know but they have a history of alcoholism. His wife, who attends all the appointments, thinks he can be cured but my sister and eldest brother both know this is unlikely but don't know how to even broach this with my parents.

Unfortunately I live a couple of hours away from them all but have offered to attend appointments as I'm on mat leave.

Sorry for the essay as I suppose I was wondering if anyone else any experience of anyone with secondary stage 4 brain cancer who defied odds or what we should expect realistically?

Thank you to anyone who reads and replies.

OP posts:
MallampatiCatty · 23/06/2022 23:20

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

YetAnotherNameChange111 · 23/06/2022 23:20

Oh I am so so sorry to hear this awful news. My thoughts are with you all x

MsTSwift · 23/06/2022 23:26

Macmillan’s can help with making claims / accessing finances support.

MsTSwift · 23/06/2022 23:28

So sorry hadnt read to the end. So sorry to read that.

TheMooch · 23/06/2022 23:29

I am very sorry to read your update.

Please get support for yourselves (some excellent charities can offer or point you in the right direction).

PiggyPlumPie · 23/06/2022 23:30

Oh, I am so very sorry to hear this. Much love xxx

Chinam · 23/06/2022 23:33

I’m sorry to read this. Take care of yourself.

nocoolnamesleft · 23/06/2022 23:35

I am so sorry for your loss. And relieved that you had made it to be there with him. I cannot imagine the pain you are in right now. But there is still something you can do for your brother going forward. You can help keep his memory alive for your nephew. Which will be worth so much to the poor lad. Hugs.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 23/06/2022 23:52

So sorry OP. There are no words. Sending love to you and his family

MaChienEstUnDick · 23/06/2022 23:53

I am so sorry to hear this @CloseYourMouthLynn. I am holding you and your family in my thoughts and may you walk in the light of your memories.

CloseYourMouthLynn · 24/06/2022 00:01

Thank you everyone, you're all very kind.

I'm still numb. Hearing my parents wail for their son and his wife asking him not to go, along with watching him fade away will stay with me forever, and I'm utterly changed as a person. I feel like part of me has died with him. However, I am honoured and fortunate to have been by his side until the end: to give him sips of water, to stroke his arm and kiss him and tell him I love him. Now I have to learn to live without him and help my parents to live without their son.

OP posts:
Carrieonmywaywardsun · 24/06/2022 00:14

I'm sure your presence and love was a great comfort to him. Please look after yourself, reach out for help when you need it.

I have a candle lit by the window for your brother, a small token of sympathy x

WakeyCakeyHeart · 24/06/2022 00:14

I'm so so sorry, you sound like the most wonderful sister and I am sure your darling brother knew how much you loved and cared for him.

I don't have any words that will ease your pain right now, but in time, may you be able to feel the sunshine on your face and speak his name with smiles instead of tears xx

Emelene · 24/06/2022 00:20

I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like an amazing sister and your brother was surrounded by love and family. I’m praying for you all. Be kind to yourself xx

TreadLightly3 · 24/06/2022 01:04

I’m so so sorry @CloseYourMouthLynn 💔

Chooksnroses · 24/06/2022 06:06

I'm in tears for you, I'm so, so sorry that you have lost your lovely brother.

ThankYouStavros · 24/06/2022 06:15

I’m so sorry for your loss. How terribly sad. Sending love and strength to you all

JimmyShoo · 24/06/2022 06:44

I’m so so sorry Flowers

Candleabra · 24/06/2022 07:20

I’m so sorry. Terrible news.

SwankyPants · 24/06/2022 11:31

So very sorry xxxx

Twixie2022 · 24/06/2022 14:43

Op I’m so sorry. Sending lots of love and support to you and your family xx

CloseYourMouthLynn · 24/06/2022 19:16

Thank you all, your words bring true comfort. I want to do everything I can to make sure that he is remembered. He was one in a million. My big bro.

OP posts:
SinnermanGirl · 24/06/2022 19:32

@CloseYourMouthLynn So sorry for your profound loss. There really is nothing like it. I hope you will give yourself time to mourn him, to not expect to somehow continue as before.

The thoughts that helped me were

+knowing they were able to make the choices about accepting/refusing treatment no matter what anyone else’s opinion

  • knowing their wishes around dying/burial etc *being able to spend time with them at the end *hearing others’ stories about them *making a memory book about them for family *doing a half marathon charity fundraiser in their memory *grief counselling

Looking back I can see that those first few months of bereavement were extremely raw and that maybe I didn’t give myself enough space to deal with the grief.

Your memories are not dead. It is harder to keep them alive without the other person to share them with but you can write or record them and share them with other family or friends or your children.

Right now though you just need to take it very gently and allow yourself any feelings that surface xx

tiredanddangerous · 24/06/2022 19:37

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Amei · 24/06/2022 19:47

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I have tears only imagining what you're feeling. Sending love xx