What would you want to know to do after your partner had died?

[FrogIAm]

So I have a condition that means I’m going to get not much notice of when I get super ill and die. Like none. My brother has asked me to write him a list of things he can do to help look after my DH when this happens. Facing the possibility of dying and not knowing when or if I have years is just bizarre and I can see the toll it’s taking on my DH.

So I’m in the position where I don’t know it’s coming or when, but I can write something somewhere for my brother. I was thinking of a secret Facebook group just me and my brother, one I can add to and he never has to read until the time comes.

So what shall I add? What kind of funeral I want? How I think people can help my DH? Goodbye letters to people? But to some family members I can’t bear to be all gushy and nice to them when they’ve been nothing but shit. But that seems cruel to leave them with that. Do I write something from “me” to be read at my funeral? Lists of what I do around the house banking wise/what to cancel?

But man it hurts just to have to think about these things, but then I can’t imagine leaving my DH. Off to find the tissues, again.

I’m sorry you are having to think of these things it’s very painful isn’t it? I’m in the opposite position as it’s Dh who has the probably life limiting condition (brain tumour). We are currently drawing up a list of things to sort out. Such as;
Accessing his pension
Savings and investments
Amending our current will
Power of attorney
Up to date list of all utility companies, mobile phone contracts etc

We are not talking about funeral wishes, we definitely aren’t there yet.

Sorry you are in a similar situation.

List of utilities is a good one. We don’t have wills and I don’t think DH would want to write one, as that would mean acknowledging it I think. Easy if just me as it all goes to him as we’re married? But I have a terrible feeling he would be joining me after not too long. Maybe I can write one for myself with the wishes I know we both want, so something along if I die everything goes to DH, but if we both die then it’s gets split between X Y and Z?
I half feel that I have to write something for his funeral if I die, which I can’t as the thought of him not being there is just too sad, even I’m already not. Man this world is messed up sometimes. So many people go through so much grief and pain every single day. How does the human race survive!

Accessing pension and funds is a difficult one, as DH thinks that means I’m not going to be around and I want to enjoy life now.

Power of attorney is a good one as well, had forgotten about that. Thought about it a few years ago. Seems stupid that as my DH he gets no say on where I end up if I’m needing care and not having capacity unless we do this!

So sorry about this can't imagine what that feels like but having just lost my dad, the fact his admin was all totally in order has been a. Godsend, he had a excel sheet with outgoings, all passwords for all of his accounts written in a book updated when ever he changed them.

He had practically planned his funeral we knew the songs the flowers his wishes it just made everything somehow bearable as we knew it was what he wanted.

I'd say things like down to which photo to use etc, as that was a dilemma l, did he like himself in the one we selected?

The people that came the process was just easier and felt like he was in charge somehow on the day.

What he was wearing etc. All those tiny details that you as the family stress over.

Sorry you’ve been through this @applecrumbleforteaagain and it’s good to hear that this kind of thing will actually help and not be super strange in a way. I didn’t want to appear controlling after I had died!

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, life is unbelievably shit at times.
My mum had a similar situation to @applecrumbleforteaagain when my grandad died. When they were going through things just after he'd died they found a 'funeral' box. My grandad had his entire funeral planned out (hymns, readings etc). It made life much easier for my mum & uncle as they new exactly what he wanted. Similarly his 'paperwork' was all in order & kept in the same box. Things like all his bank account details, pensions etc. It always makes us laugh as family (in a nice way) that his super organised ways continued after his death.

You can actually "pre plan" your funeral directly with the undertaker, sort out the music and the hymns etc. Not necessarily down to the last detail, but a good framework for the day. You could just do it directly with them and then give the contact details to DB to pass to DH when the time is right.
Sorry you're having to do this, it's pretty shit.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation: it must be heartbreaking.

Please please write a will. It will be really straightforward and you can do it on a form you can buy online, but it will make everything so much easier for your husband.

I’m sorry to hear this but it’s wonderful that you are thinking how to help your family deal with your passing
My parents who have both passed away had a “ death box 😂
Sounds grim but It made everything very easy for me to deal with

Everything from wills pensions bank accounts life insurance PIN numbers email and passwords
My friend and I have sent each photos of what we want used if we pass away as we don’t trust our other halves to use a decent photo

I have written out what I want for my funeral. My two grandads died close together and there was so much less angst olannungnthe funeral for the grandad who had listed the readings and hymns he wanted. The funeral was more meaningful for that too

I do all our finances so I've got a list I keep with the passports of who all our current suppliers are for utilities etc

I have agreements with friends that they would do clothes shopping for the kids as as my DH would suck at that

He needs to write a will because accidents and sudden illnesses still happen to people. He wouldn't want you to have to deal with the consequences of no will and grieving him on top of your diagnosis, would he?

If you have any friends that he doesn’t know, or any online presence (like here?) that might like to know you’ve died, leave those details.

Being married doesn’t mean that you don’t need a will I’m afraid. You both need to make one, Dh and I have a joint one. It covers all eventualities.
And yes you must sort out the finances. It creates real stress and possibly financial hardship otherwise for the person left.

Thanks @MissyB1 I do need someone to poke me and tell me what to do, even if it seems obvious (head in the sand). I will look into something easy online that doesn’t seem as formal as going into a solicitors etc

Thanks for everyone that has said that small planning for a funeral is actually helpful and not seen as strange.
@ClutterofStarlings that’s helpful. All my passwords I don’t have a clue and most are fingerprint activated, but I’ve added him on my phone and will add his print to tablet so he can still do that kind of things.

With writing letters, it seems a bit weird my brother having them, so maybe I’ll just tell him where I’ve kept them.

Hi, I'm sorry you're having to think about this but I also have a folder called "if I die" some may think it's a bit morbid but my mum died really suddenly and had nothing in order so a lot of time was spent trying to log into her emails to find out who the pet insurance etc was with so I could inform them. So in my folder I have:

1. Life insurance policy number & start date,as well as beneficiaries & contact numbers.
2. My national insurance number
3. My union member number & date of joining
4. All utility costs & companies
5. Passwords for my phone/ emails
6. My employers name & phone number, as well as HR phone number.

I update these about once a year & make sure everything is still correct. I'm not too fussed about funeral arrangements, whatever the person who does it would like is fine! If anything changes and I feel I need to include that though then I will. I know some people think its morbid but I would just hope it makes things slightly easier. I have also noted that I wish to donate my organs incase there is any doubt.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound really thoughtful that you're more worried about your lovely husband than about you.

A few things :-

You definitely both need a will. Dying intestate makes it ask that much harder. You can find solicitors who will speak to you over the phone, so can give you personalised advice, rather than a 'one size fits all' that may be worse than nothing

Everyone should have a When I Die file...passwords, place of birth, NI no, passport no, driving licence no.

Funeral.wishes are a nice thought, but, it's just one day and there's something to be said for the bereaved to have the practicalities to sort out to give focus and purpose in the days and weeks after death.

Paying a big, unnecessary, inheritance tax bill, is far more long lasting that the songs / readings at the funeral.

It’s definitely not morbid to have wills so please sort that out. People die suddenly quite often and frankly having paperwork organised makes it so much easier for those left behind.
When my husband died I knew he had funeral wishes in a letter. Made it much easier for me. It’s hard enough dealing with the trauma of his death. He wasn’t so organised about everything else.
Transfer any car documents to him now, if applicable,especially car insurance. Some joint policies will cease when the original policy holder dies. Another point: household bills should be all paid from a joint account to avoid any paid from your account being frozen.
Many banks now have bereavement advice.
The practicalities are draining so any information you can give now will help him after you’re gone.

Gov.uk also has a helpful section on what to do. Maybe read through it now.

Sorry you’re going through this. Life can be tough.

I'm sorry you both have to deal with this.

When it comes to your bills, make sure that he has the authority to contact the various utilities. Often they will only speak to the account holder. When we knew my DH was in the terminal phase of his illness, he contacted them all to either give permission for me to speak to them, or to put the accounts in my name.

This might not be right for your situation, but we made sure that all our savings were in joint accounts. That made all the money stuff seamless when he died. He left a will, but it wasn't really needed because of that. Our house and our money was in both names, so just became mine. But f course we knew that he would be dying within weeks/a couple of months (after a 40 year marriage) so there were no risks involved in doing that.

The nurses at the day hospice asked my DH if he'd like to plan anything about his funeral. He didn't, because he didn't want to think about dying. I kind of wish he had though, because it ended up that the decisions I made were poor ones, and I'd do anything to redo that day differently. My daughters and I wanted (as it turned out) different things. If he'd left wishes, it would have been less stressful and there wouldn't have been any disagreements or discomfort.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, but yes, writing down all the things that will make life practically easier is going to be helpful.... so all the companies you have accounts with - from banks and building societies and Premium bonds and any old savings accounts...credit cards...utilities...phone contract.... insurances (house, contents, pet, car, even things like boiler cover)......
Passwords - so he can access accounts, he can access your e-mails...
Reference numbers and other identifying information (so, if you have 1/2 a dozen different a/cs, and you've tended to do the banking, then give him a clue as to if there is £85K in one a/c and £2.40 in another, or a debt of £7k on a credit card, etc)

A list of people you would like to be told of your passing (and who they are.... eg old school friend / boss at work / mate from hobby) with their contact details...... if you explain who people are, then this is something a friend or your brother might help him with. [This was really hard to fathom from my sister's address book when we had to let people know, and didn't know who half the people were).

My mother died of cancer so had a few months warning.

My parents moved all vehicles and bills to my dad, ownership as well as insurance.

Key bits of jewellery were given in person (tough, but nice), or written down who was to get them. Passwords were written in a book for all social media and electronics. Funeral plans were discussed with my father which helped those arrangements.

My parents had downsized from a house to a flat a few years earlier and had been pretty ruthless with their clear out. That was a really good idea.

Clearing out food that my father wouldn't eat was really hard for us - and that's OK. There will always be something.

Am sorry you are having to think about this💐My advice is to discuss your will with family…it will be easier for them .
Leave a list of passwords to all of your account
Sign a respect form with your GP …it clarifies your wishes when you are getting close to end of life.ie pain relief,hospital admission for treatable illness ie chest infection,broken hip ,UTI . and a DNAR …do not resuscitate.
Sorry for this advice but it really does help your family when they are in turmoil…stay strong OP 💐💕

As above re funeral wills financial advice. My mother wrote down for me all of my favourite meals. Her recipes. Corned beef pie. Shepherd pie. Pan haggerty. Her written recipes mean so so much to me. They are written in her "voice" (chuck some garlic in if Safeway have it- smells weird but it's good!. You should shake some lee n Perrins in- a wrist full! ) it was hard to read at first, but my god, I love those cards. They are my mother and my friend. So, my suggestion is, that if you cook, and your husband has a favourite meal, or you have a secret trifle, or, anything like that- write it down. In your voice. Could be treasured.

Really good advice on here and I too drew comfort from knowing the songs Dad wanted and the poem he'd chosen for his funeral. Though five years on I still can't listen to them

Mind you I've had a plan written down for my own funeral, which I update every year around my birthday, since I was 21 - maybe I'm weird, but for me it comes from love, not control. Even I don't stay settled on the music I'd like to see me out so how the hell would anyone else be able to choose? And this way they don't have to second guess while they're shocked and grieving.

Definitely POA, both versions, definitely passwords for at least laptop and email, a will is utterly essential if you don't already have one. Notes on any specifics of what you might like to go where - I haven't put my fairly niche collections in my will specifically as it would be a logistical nightmare, but my executors are aware that if possible it'd be great for them to go to fellow collectors.

Notes or printed copies of any digital documents/photos you want them to see, rescue, retain, pass on - going through your loved one's laptop is a horrible job and feels really invasive, but we didn't want to lose photos etc to technology degrading over time.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, it must be something of a headfuck - but getting this stuff planned will hopefully ease your mind and your family's minds

After my DH died suddenly I made a new Will and wrote a document about all my savings, the house, etc. It's saved on a USB and updated six-monthly. All of this is for my DD. I keep it in a zip folder with the latest back-up disk of my laptop. I've not considered funerals, only money, I'm afraid. I've showed her the folder and where it is, though she's not keen on acknowledging it.

I'm in no danger other than life and its happenings, but have a stronger sense of what it means to sort this very necessary shit out.

So sorry for your very particular circumstances, FrogIam, and lots of excellent advice here.

All the best.