What would you want to know to do after your partner had died?

[FrogIAm]

So I have a condition that means I’m going to get not much notice of when I get super ill and die. Like none. My brother has asked me to write him a list of things he can do to help look after my DH when this happens. Facing the possibility of dying and not knowing when or if I have years is just bizarre and I can see the toll it’s taking on my DH.

So I’m in the position where I don’t know it’s coming or when, but I can write something somewhere for my brother. I was thinking of a secret Facebook group just me and my brother, one I can add to and he never has to read until the time comes.

So what shall I add? What kind of funeral I want? How I think people can help my DH? Goodbye letters to people? But to some family members I can’t bear to be all gushy and nice to them when they’ve been nothing but shit. But that seems cruel to leave them with that. Do I write something from “me” to be read at my funeral? Lists of what I do around the house banking wise/what to cancel?

But man it hurts just to have to think about these things, but then I can’t imagine leaving my DH. Off to find the tissues, again.

Thankyou for all the support and advice, it has all really been helpful. I think the if I die folder is the way to go. But I’ve been so worried I think about putting it all down in one place and we get burgled and then screwed and I’m still alive!
I guess it is what it is and it being there will be more helpful than not,

Sorry to hear of your situation @FrogIAm

(Just copying and pasting from an answer I gave on a similar thread last year)

I can recommend Age UK lifebook which can be downloaded from this link and printed off as sheets to help put info together. It's in PDF format.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/end-of-life-planning/lifebook/

Also in the event of your death and passing on your social media accounts, to legacy accounts. Would you want someone to wipe them or do as a legacy?
deadsocial.org/tutorials

This could go with a copy of your will, any advance directives, power of attorneys etc.

Then you can add in how to for each appliance in the house, any past problems, contact details for repairs.

List of all bills that are outgoing, when, to who, how much, why - any debts / savings / pensions / investments

Contact details for friends (online / offline / childhood / neighbours) all in catagories.

Thanks @NotanotherboxofFrogs that’s all helpful, and hadn’t thought about the legacy thing with social media. Don’t mind a facebok page staying up as I existed but I don’t think I ever want anyone having access to my messenger history 😂

I wanted to thank everyone who’s replied. I’ve had a few teary few days having to face up to stuff, but made a start adding DH’s fingerprint to my phone and showing him how to access the bank accounts etc. (I do all the banking/household bills/he doesn’t have the apps on his phone to check etc). He didn’t want to, as it acknowledges stuff but agreed that actually having access to money was important!
Will start on a file sometime this week and let a family member know where it is, so DH doesn’t necessarily need to know it’s there/like a big white elephant in the room.

DH died last year. What I really could have done with was comprehensive lists of all his passwords and some sort of household management handbook for all the jobs he was in charge of and I never got involved in.

I’m very sorry about your DH @QuestionsorComments
I’m kind of hoping adding his fingerprint to my iPad and most passwords being finger print activated should get him enough. But how to run things in the house that I do is a good idea.

Sorry you’ve had to go through this/have reason to answer.

I’ve tried to broach the subject of wills with DH. He doesn’t see the need to do one, if I die it goes to him if he does it goes to me and I am acutely aware there’s a chance he may choose to end his life if I die. He’s said if I die, then him, then he’s dead and he doesn’t care who gets the money.

So I’m thinking just to make life easier for now, just writing a will for me. Saying if I die it goes to him. If something happens to both of us, then after some money to god children then all asserts split 50/50 between his family and mine and an executor from each side. So hopefully if I go first then him this would still be valid or at least give an idea and would seem fair if I’ve written it that it’s equally spread so should be adhered to?

So sorry you're going through this it must be so hard for both of you.

Have you thought of setting up an email address you can give the log in details to your brother. You could then have folders for different areas eg friends/ bills/ funeral plans etc. You can save any docs there or just email thoughts you have etc and easy to add to. You won't have to worry about being burgled as it's all online.

Everything you can do now to make things clearer legally, make sure that your DH has access to all your accounts and even plan or detail your funeral arrangements will take some pressure of your DH in the future. If you wanted to, you could leave a copy of the non financial stuff with your brother so that your family will know that your DH is following your wishes.

You can make sure it’s all there for him when he needs it without having to involve him in the details now. I understand why he doesn’t want to face it yet and I’m sorry that you have to. My Grandma knew she was untreatable for a very long time and developed a habit of leaving detailed post-it note instructions everywhere to explain to my Grandad how to do things ‘right.’ There were post-its on the boiler, the washing machine, in the freezer (about the right turny dial setting), in the drawers … Don’t do that.

I’m so sorry that you are having to think about this and hope it won’t be needed for many, many years but if you have an iPhone, you can give your DH access to it via a legacy contract. It will, when the time comes, allow him to access your phone.

This sounds awful and really hard. I'm so sorry.

A close friend of mine recently lost his father. His father had terminal cancer and knew he was dying for almost a year. But they didn't get organised as understandably it was too difficult to face it at the time and when he passed the burden fell to my friend to sort everything out. His mother was just not able to. It was awful - his car, his bank accounts, his employees, his business. Everything was only in his name and only he knew all the important info. Almost six months later things are still not sorted out. It took them a month to even find where the car was parked - London. It's been so stressful for my friend when he should have been grieving and spending time with family.

It shows such love and care to do for your DH when it must be so hard for you. It will be the worst moment of his life, so anything you can do to make it easier will make a huge difference.

Have you heard of Swedish Death Cleaning? The idea is that you sort your stuff out so that those left behind do not have to.

Thank you to everyone that’s taken the time to reply, it’s really helped. Tonight me and DH actually had a proper talk about wills, and he’s agreed it makes sense for us both to write one and we quickly hashed out what we both wanted to go to who/percentages etc. So will get that done. We know roughly what funeral we want, in burial/cremation/where but he’s happy that’s enough detail he doesn’t want any more. But I’ll do that separately from him. We’re both thinking about it a lot, so hopefully we can do this and get on with enjoying now.

@LittleMissA that’s a good idea about the email and folders. Feels safer than making a Facebook group!

@WhatScratch finding those post it’s just have been both nice but very hard. It’s good to see that I’m helping and not overthinking things.

@Nydj that’s really useful as I didn’t think what would happen to my thousands of photos stored in the iCloud. Will definitely look into that.

Not heard of Swedish death cleaning @reallyworriedjobhunter but will have a google. It does make sense to do that and might feel good to have a sort out anyway.

Write mirror wills. Having a will written will make life easier for your DH, it you if he goes first.