What to say to a terminally ill colleague?

[DuchessOfDisaster]

One of our colleagues went off sick in September and it has been confirmed he has terminal cancer with a prognosis of two months. Those of us who worked with him closely are devastated, and I knew him from working in a different department when he was always very helpful. I am beyond gutted.

I don't know what to say to him though. I haven't messaged him, simply because I haven't a clue what to say and I am terrified of saying the wrong thing.

Does anyone have any experience of this? Thank you.

I'd simply say something like "I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Thinking of you and sending much love" (assuming you're close enough to him to send love of course)

Better to send something even if just 'short and sweet' than not let him know you're thinking about him.

I agree, saying anything at all is better than not getting in touch.
He may not feel well enough to reply or have visitors but you could ask if he is up to a visit.

Very sorry to hear this. I agree a simple.meaaage saying how sorry you are to hear that he is unwell, you hope he is being well looked after and you are thinking of him etc would be appropriate.

maybe text saying you are sorry about the diagnosis. Depending on how close you are and support you know he may have ask if you can do a specific thing such as bring round a casserole for the family/help clear the garden, not is there anything I can do?

I agree, a message saying he is in your thoughts would be good. DH has terminal cancer and so many people have pulled away as they have no idea what to say but saying something is better than saying nothing at all.

"Hey matey (or name), just want to let you know we all miss you and send our love and hugs. If there's anything you or your family need right now just let us know. The office won't be the same without you."

Say something, rather than nothing.
I wouldn’t mention the word “diagnosis”. Don’t say anything about “if there’s anything we can do”. It’s a bit meaningless.
Don’t say “the office won’t be the same without you”.
Say something like what bloodywhitecat said - that you’re sorry to hear he’s ill. Offer to do something specific, or offer to visit.

Something like

We’re all missing you at work and I’m devastated to get your news. I don’t know quite what to say in this situation - words don’t seem adequate. I’ve loved working with you. I’d like to help - can we organise a meal delivery service like Cook, or do you need anything practical or totally frivolous we could send?

Please message him. I know of someone in a similar situation and is so hurt that only two people from work messaged her. She got on with everyone and assumes that it’s because they don’t know what to say, but still hurts her.

@Sarahlou63

"Hey matey (or name), just want to let you know we all miss you and send our love and hugs. If there's anything you or your family need right now just let us know. The office won't be the same without you."

This is awful- please don't send this. 'Hey matey' The last sentence is dreadful. The middle sentence is one of those phrases that sounds like it is hoping the person won't contact.

@bloodywhitecat I'm so very sorry to hear that. Wishing you and your family all the very best in such awful circumstances x

You know how you work together - is it a jokey relationship? Is he serious? Very work focussed or all about family?

If it was my close colleague I'd probably say:
'We really miss you at work (Alan), although I don't miss you stealing my pen/mug (or other random in-house thing between you). How are you feeling about it all? I'm sorry this has happened'

IMO there's no point in pretending it's not total shit, and I'd want to offer my friend a chance to let it all out, or reflect and be positive, whatever they chose.

You can only be yourself, be open and offer some genuine love at a hard time.

I think it’s great that you want to say something. Sometimes people don’t know what to say and so don’t say anything, then regret it. A terminal diagnosis is a lonely road, a virtual hand on the shoulder will be so appreciated.

@Sarahlou63

"Hey matey (or name), just want to let you know we all miss you and send our love and hugs. If there's anything you or your family need right now just let us know. The office won't be the same without you."

Whatever you send, please do not send this.

Could you go to visit? Keep them company. I went to see my boss before he died. It was awkward but I was glad I'd done it and said goodbye.

Definitely say something. What you say depends on your relationship. I had a work friend who I always used to share music with. When he got ill I carried on sending songs I heard. And he did the same back while he could. I think we had one brief conversation about his illness but he really just didn’t want to be ignored and shut out. Just be friendly, and personally I would avoid the ‘anything I can do’ type comments.

What all they said. just acknowledge the place he's in & say you care.

There is no perfect thing you can say. The one thing guaranteed to be wrong and deeply regrettable is silence.

Say what you mean and feel in a considerate and compassionate way.

I would only caution against putting him in a position where he feels you're asking him to help you grieve instead of the contact being for his 'benefit' (e.g. By offloading all your distress on him and making it about you or trying to get him to counsel you through it), but other than that just be genuine and focus on connecting rather than perfection.

Feeling connected to people is soothing, isolation is painful.

Don't take it personally if he's slow to respond or isn't able to. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't appreciate the contact or that you've said the wrong thing. There will probably (hopefully) be lots of people reaching out to him - in emotionally charged ways - and it may be too overwhelming or tiring to respond to everyone. It's painful to receive what are effectively goodbye messages when you don't want to be leaving in the first place.

My experience behind my view: My mum was essentially in your colleague's position so I watched how people reacted and how it affected her.

It made a positive difference to hear from people who cared for her and having those people step forward to wrap their arms around her and give her what she needed rather than trying to take what they needed from her. (Fwiw, you sound like you're hailing from the first category so I am sure any message you send will reflect that - don't be terrified to reach out, please).

I'm sorry this is something you need to be asking at all.

My mum was essentially in your colleague's position so I watched how people reacted and how it affected her.

"Witnessed" would probably have been a better word than "watched", but I'm sure you still got what I was trying to say without it being perfect.

@NoSquirrels

Something like

We’re all missing you at work and I’m devastated to get your news. I don’t know quite what to say in this situation - words don’t seem adequate. I’ve loved working with you. I’d like to help - can we organise a meal delivery service like Cook, or do you need anything practical or totally frivolous we could send?

Something like this is good. Just be honest that you don’t really know what to say but that you’re gutted about it

I agree with say something rather than nothing. In such situations I often say "I don't have the words, but am thinking of you" as clumsy as it is it does have the right sentiment. Don't resort to cliché, don't promise anything you can't deliver/don't want to do and don't say "if there's anything you need just say" because it puts all the onus on the sick person and people who say that never mean it, otherwise they'd say "shall I do xyz", it just makes them feel better to offer

Sadly my (large) work team is in the same situation. I don't know the person well enough to text/visit, but our thoughts are with them and their closer friends have said it was a comfort to know people were thinking of them and their family too.

The office won't be the same without you.

Yeh, that's exactly the kind of comment I had in mind when I said about the pain of people sending goodbye messages when you don't want to be leaving anyone in the first place.

You say that when someone resigns or retires, not when they're dying.

It's distinctly lacking in empathy to think such a comment is going to be anything other than highly distressing to somebody who's been told they're dying.

Really sorry. I’d just ask if he fancied a cuppa and a catch up. He’s the same person.
I had cancer five years ago, not terminal, I was treated and I’m good now, but for a while I didn’t know that and I just wanted normality.

Saying something is better than nothing. You know him, his sense of humour and what would go down best.
Keep it open for him to respond but clear he doesn't have to if he's busy with other things. The overwhelming message being that you're thinking of him.
Hope you're ok OP and your friend and colleague has a calm and peaceful time over the next couple of months

And I agree that if you're going to offer anything practical, offer something specific not the open-ended "let me know" type comment. If there isn't anything that's fine so don't offer anything, simply communicate.