What to say to a terminally ill colleague?

[DuchessOfDisaster]

One of our colleagues went off sick in September and it has been confirmed he has terminal cancer with a prognosis of two months. Those of us who worked with him closely are devastated, and I knew him from working in a different department when he was always very helpful. I am beyond gutted.

I don't know what to say to him though. I haven't messaged him, simply because I haven't a clue what to say and I am terrified of saying the wrong thing.

Does anyone have any experience of this? Thank you.

Meant to add, often the best thing to say is 'I have no idea what to say' people with terminal diagnosis often hear loads of cliched shite that I think, were it me, would get on my bloody nerves.

It made a positive difference to hear from people who cared for her and having those people step forward to wrap their arms around her and give her what she needed rather than trying to take what they needed from her.

Other posters have made the same point too - that it’s about your relationship not ‘The Devastating News’ and making it the perfect message.

When my mum was dying her friends & family still just reached out with chatty news emails she could read to feel connected, or we could read out to her. The normal, boring, gossipy stuff of life about mundane, everyday things going on in their lives, like they always would do.

Even when you’re dying - maybe especially when you’re dying, because you have no idle carefree life chat of your own to share - these everyday bits of news are diverting and useful, even. Tell your colleague what the latest office controversy is. Tell them the stuff they’d get a kick out of if they were there. Acknowledge the elephant but say you won’t dwell on it unless they need to talk about it.

Just keep communicating, I suppose.

for you.

DON'T say 'be strong' , 'keep positive' or anything else that demands the close to impossible.
Also don't say 'I'm crying writing this'.

I was the spouse in this circumstance. I knew people meant well but I found all three really fatuous. I wanted to eye roll at best, or say "wft? YOU'RE crying? I'm his fucking wife and I'm holding it together. Don't be pathetic. It's not about you" to the last one, when I was feeling the most angry with the world.

If you can't find the words, simply say how sorry you are to hear the news, that you're thinking of him and the family, and sending your best wishes.

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. I am going to get in touch with him today. We had a lot of chat about our football team (we support the same one) and went through the ups and downs (mainly downs!) but as they won 3-0 last night I have something to chat about. Thank you again everyone.

@GroggyLegs

You know how you work together - is it a jokey relationship? Is he serious? Very work focussed or all about family?

If it was my close colleague I'd probably say:
'We really miss you at work (Alan), although I don't miss you stealing my pen/mug (or other random in-house thing between you). How are you feeling about it all? I'm sorry this has happened'

IMO there's no point in pretending it's not total shit, and I'd want to offer my friend a chance to let it all out, or reflect and be positive, whatever they chose.

You can only be yourself, be open and offer some genuine love at a hard time.

I’d say it’s best not to send a message that has a question....then there is no pressure on him to reply

@DuchessOfDisaster

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. I am going to get in touch with him today. We had a lot of chat about our football team (we support the same one) and went through the ups and downs (mainly downs!) but as they won 3-0 last night I have something to chat about. Thank you again everyone.

Glad you have something you can chat about. But I'd also say don't ignore his situation - he may want to talk about it with someone he knows. (Equally he may not, of course!). Be matter of fact about it, while obviously expressing sadness - but don't make it about you, as PP have said.

Good luck.

Message to tell him that you're sorry to hear what he is going through and ask if he is up to it, would he like you to pop round for a cuppa and a chat.

Sorry you're going through this too

@Sarahlou63

"Hey matey (or name), just want to let you know we all miss you and send our love and hugs. If there's anything you or your family need right now just let us know. The office won't be the same without you."

Christ almighty! The last sentence! Why would you think that was a good idea!

Sadly I have been through this a few times. We found a card company a cancer based charity if i remember correctly notanotherbunchofflowers dot com.

We picked ones saying things like "there is no good card for this - i am so sorry" we put little messages on it and sent a few different ones to let them know their colleagues were thinking of them.

There are a few closer to the bone with dark humour that a late friend loved - you will know yourself if they would suit.

I recently lost my dad 12 days after a cancer diagnosis. He got a beautiful card which was as follows
"We are sad to learn your health is letting you down, but we want to let you know that your kindness and support over many years has been greatly valued. With your courage in war and support in peace you have been an example to us all"
It was one of the loveliest cards I've ever read...

Sorry for your loss @CrotchetyQuaver. That is, though, a lovely message.

Some good ideas here. Definitely send a message though, it’s awful to feel forgotten about or not cared about.

I e been through similar, and a lot of friends and colleagues wrote about shared experiences they would remember, and what they would miss, eg ‘you always knew when I needed tea and when I needed gin’. I read them out and it was appreciated.

@Marblessolveeverything

Sadly I have been through this a few times. We found a card company a cancer based charity if i remember correctly notanotherbunchofflowers dot com.

We picked ones saying things like "there is no good card for this - i am so sorry" we put little messages on it and sent a few different ones to let them know their colleagues were thinking of them.

There are a few closer to the bone with dark humour that a late friend loved - you will know yourself if they would suit.

That site is brilliant. I know my late husband and I would have loved to receive many of those. Especially the ones that puncture the trite phrases that people come out with.

I have messaged him and chatted about last night's football match, and said how sorry I am to hear his news and I am missing the football chats in person. Thanks for your help, it's helped me break the ice and feel OK about visiting him.

Sounds good. Personal and meaningful. Well done op.

That sounds like a good message to have sent. Asking questions puts the onus on the other person to reply. Chat allows them to reply as they have the brain space and energy.