My dad has terminal stomach cancer

[Misspollyhadadolly92]

Sadly due to a 6 month delay due to covid in a colonoscopy the cancer is T4. I watched my mum die the most degrading death with breast cancer and now my dad will experience the same. Its like being stabbed in the stomach. I'm older and wiser but I know the grief is big and I'm worried how I will cope. They have given him 18 months,but he has lost a significant amount of weight and barely eating so I'm sure it will be sooner. I live 300miles from him and it's just breaking my heart.
I just needed to write it down. I'm 40 and none of my friends have lost a parent and I will have lost both. I can feel myself avoiding people as I have no tolerance and their words of 'wisdom' are best ignored.

My thought and prayers are with you. Having lost one dear parent you know what pain lies ahead. I am so sorry - both of my lovely parents are dead. The raw pain does ease but lessens with time. I do hope you will have someone who can give some direct support.. God Bless. p.m. me if you need to chat.

Knowing the heartbreak that will come must be very difficult.

I withdrew a bit from friends when my dad was terminally ill. I just couldn’t face any of the chat, the platitudes, the sorry looks, and having to say something trite like “it is what it is” in order to be able to move the conversation on...

My dad had 9 months from diagnosis to dying. It was hard, you already know how hard it is, but there were some special times too. I hope there will be some for you and your dad too.

Thankyou for your replies and understanding. I am trying to keep busy,having a lo helps in some ways. My husband is supportive but feeling lost as to how to support me.
I am sorry you have both gone through such grief.
Cancer is just awful. My big, strong cuddly dad has quickly become a frail, thin old man almost overnight. It's truly heartbreaking. I'm already isolating myself for protection, like you say mixington, it's a coping strategy.
Xxx

I'm so sorry, that is hard to process. The delays in assessment are so difficult to accept. I hope you get some special moments with your Dad.

Hi my mum died of stomach cancer, four months after diagnosis. It had already spread to her liver. She couldn’t tolerate palliative chemotherapy; it made her terribly ill.

I won’t lie to you. It was terrible and traumatic. The one piece of advice I’d give you is to push for the best possible pain relief. Through a syringe driver if necessary, even if not near the end.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry

Thanks for your replies. the prognosis is now 9 months.
Just don't know how to do this again.
I'm sorry for those been through it or going through it.
It rips your insides right out.
Xxxx

So sorry OP. I went through it with my dear friend. Do make sure to advocate for good strong pain relief via syringe driver . And make sure it is "on demand" so he has some control over it. And take of yourself too xx

I'm so sorry @Misspollyhadadolly92

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry to hear this.

I have been through the same. It hurts. A lot. No way to prepare for it. Like PP said, pain management is absolute key. CADD pump or patches are effective. Spend time with him when and if you can. Do leave anything unsaid, be kind and supportive to all his needs. make sure he knows you will be alright, protected and safe after he’s gone. Focus on happy small activities he can enjoy or you can enjoy together.

For the time after, like I said no way to prepare for it. Take it literally day by day, or hour by hour. It will be okay in the end. Stay strong. X

Thanks for your replies..Sadly there is comfort in others having been through this. I'm staying with him a few days, trying to hold it together. Trying to live in the moment, which is hard as every ache and pain sends fear through me that the cancer is spreading. It will spread so its waiting. We're just watching TV, he's sleeping a lot. My brother and I were wishing a quicker death, which just sounds awful, but cancer.....cancer is just brutal.

It just hurts so very much xxx

I’m so sorry you are going through this. The pain is deep and overwhelming. My dad is having his first chemotherapy session today. He is stage 4. I feel like I’m already grieving for the dad I knew yet trying to stay strong for him and my mum. The pain is so intense on so many levels; thinking about what he must be going through; my dear mum and their 44 year marriage; my 5 siblings (my brother only 18); financial stress. I don’t know how I will cope. I have 3 small DC and a husband who is attending all hospital visits with my parents (aside from the chemo session).
I have nothing to make you feel better but a heart that is hurting a tremendous amount and knows your pain. Xxx

My uncle was given 18 mths with Stage 4 Stomach Cancer too, but he’s still around nearly three years after that diagnosis. I think it all depends on where the metases are and how many. For some reason the ones on his Liver managed to respond to surgery and chemo and haven’t yet returned. The chances of him reaching 4-5 years are miniscule but my DC finds taking things day by day best. Agree with others that you should get the best pain relief possible; also get a dietician and physio involved if possible as they were invaluable in helping my uncle cope with chemo / surgery.

Thanks for reading. They will not treat my dad with chemo or surgery. We might have been in a different situation if it wasn't for covid :( Ozanj, that really is amazing your uncle has reacted so well to treatment!
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing too leaw100, and I understand about the grieving already. Its like you are mentally and emotionally preparing yourself,so it doesn't hurt as much when the inevitable happens. It must be a natural defense mechanism. I hope chemo benefits your dad, and the side effects aren't too bad. Macmillan recently gave my dad a grant immediately because of the diagnosis.
Xxx

I lost both parents before I was 40 (one in my 20s, other mid 30s) and year it is truly crap. It’s like being in limbo or sitting on the deck of the titanic just waiting for the waters to reach you.

Try to make sure you are eating and sleeping. There is no ‘playbook’ for this but you need to be as fit as you can to deal with this and your dad won’t want you to go to pieces. Is he able to have visitors with covid?

So sorry you are going through this. It's just heartbreaking. You have Macmillan support which is great - is there any hospice support available for your Dad? That can make a huge difference even if he's being supported in his own home. xx

Covid is a bitch that’s for sure. Its good Macmillan have paid the grant as that will certainly help.

Hi, I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I am sorry to hear about your mum x I'm 45 and my dad died of stomach cancer when I was a teenager. I understand what you mean about avoiding some people to help you cope. Covid is a bitch for sure. I hope you are doing ok xxx

My dad is still at his home, he has carers so at the moment we can visit. There is no support for him through Macmillan locally, its through the hospice. To be honest I've been putting off phoning them. Although I have been sat there when the doctors have told him is t4, he's not wanted to discuss it so I'm not sure how to approach the hospice subject. I've been upset and he just says he's not a young man so he can't complain. I live so far away from him it just destroys me every time I go home because I'm scared I won't see him again.

Xxx

@Misspollyhadadolly92 is there any chance you can stay with him in his house? Does your workplace have a work from home policy or compassionate leave policy? I actually got a fit note due to “stress at home” from my gp for one month due to my dads passing (the time before and after).

@minniemouseshouses my work won't let me have any time off, I will have to go off sick soon :( my sister works for a multi national on line company and is allowed a week off a month compassionate leave to give flexibility. I work for the local authority and don't even get a minute.
Xx

I'm so sorry to read that they will not let you have any time off. Thinking of you 💐

Go off sick OP, that’s what I did. You’ll never get this time back, you won’t regret taking sick leave. Hugs

I lost my mom to primary peritoneal cancer which is very similar. There was very little the doctors could do. She did have palliative chemo for some time and that kept her active until one day it just stopped working. She went very quickly after that.

It’s an awful disease.

The one thing my mother really needed from us was permission to leave. I think that was the hardest thing. She needed to stop fighting but she felt responsible for all of us.

So my advice is to get the time you can with your Dad. Tell him you love him. Tell him that you value him. Don’t tell him to keep fighting. This type of cancer is so painful. When those last days do come, quick is better.

I can’t say it will be easy. It’s been a couple of years and I’m still not entirely past it. It’s just different than losing a parent to old age. It does get easier.

Just to say the hospice are good for pain control management - as well as the more obvious end of life care (pre covid). So do reassure your dad that he might be able to go in for a couple of days if it helps you all later on to manage his care.
When my DF went in he rallied so well they said he needed to leave after about a week as he was doing so much better. He then stayed at home for another 4 months with the help of the palliative care team.