My Sister is in the last stages

[Nobdienowhere]

I've been reading threads here. I'd like to thank every single brave person for giving me the will to carry on.
I didn't want to post my own, but here we are.

We started with stage 2 breast cancer. It's genetic. She's young, and had lumps and lymph nodes removed. A good blast of radiotherapy. She flipped the finger at cancer, and continued travelling the world. Being fabulous. The usual.

Somehow they forget to schedule the blood tests. Fast forward to December 2019, and she was very ill.
Scan revealed stage 4. Significant metastasis.

First expectation was a few months.
If I told you her victories through Covid life, you'd be astonished. It belongs in a movie.
Imagine worst case scenario. I don't want to out myself, or her - and it would.
But now, we are down to the wire. She is a fighter, but once intubation is necessary, there really isn't a way to fight.

I feel guilty for grieving before she is even gone, but how do you not? Someone on the radio today said that grief is just love, in a different shape. It's true.
I don't know what I'm asking or why I am posting. This feels like the most selfish post, and it's incoherent. It's just enormous. She is so young, and I don't know how to do this.

How do I lose her?
Does anyone?

I don’t have any words to say, but just wanted to give you so sorry you are going through this, and so sorry for her, she sounds amazing

Thanks @RibenaCocktail - she is totally fucking amazing. The absolute shit she goes through on an average day.
I want that to stop, but I don't want her to stop.
She's my little sister. I'm supposed to protect her.

Oh darling, there are no words sufficient enough at a time like this.

Please be kind to yourself as cancer is awful. It sounds like you have what's called anticipatory grief which is very real. I had it badly when my dad had a grade 4 brain tumour.
Share your feelings as talking, even to a bunch of caring strangers, really helps.

I don’t know how to comfort you because I can’t imagine going through this, I just don’t want you to feel alone! She sounds amazing and I’m so so sorry you’re all going through this

I want to stand in the middle of a field and scream.
Do you think I could justify doing it?
Seriously.
I need to scream until I am sick.
Scream for the children she should have had.
The life she deserved.
Just fucking scream.

I have nothing to offer you but genuine sympathy. I am so so sorry.

@Nobdienowhere

I want to stand in the middle of a field and scream. Do you think I could justify doing it? Seriously. I need to scream until I am sick. Scream for the children she should have had. The life she deserved. Just fucking scream.

On a deserted Beach with the wind howling. It would do you good xx

I'm so sorry

Life is cruel, I'm so sorry you are all going through this. Scream, shout, stamp, do whatever you need to do. I hope under the circumstances you are able to spend quality time with your sister. X

I’m so sorry, it’s desperately unfair

I feel guilty for grieving before she is even gone, but how do you not?
You don't need to feel guilty: when you know someone is dying, you do begin to grieve.

It's a shit situation to be in, especially at a time like this when you can't do all the normal things like see lots of friends for comfort and shoulders to cry on.

((((HUG)))))

You can (& I'm sure did) protect her from bullies, scary dogs & getting into trouble, you can't protect her from nasty bastard cancer.

How old are you both?

I found 'the knowing' very very hard. It, as you say, feels awful grieving before you've lost them, but it does give you the opportunity to hold them, love them & tell them how much you love them.

Does she have a partner or children?
Are your parents still around?

Can you ask her what things she'd still like to have done??

I read something on here the other day & it really hit home...

Live MORE for those who have gone.

Can you endeavour to do somethings for her?

Sorry my lovely, it's utterly shit cancer ha a bastard!!
Xx

It is shit, it's esp shit at the moment all the memories, all the friends you need aren't there

My husband is so pragmatic.
He just told me to do something practical, but I don't know what that means at the moment.
I want to save her.

Scream as much as you need. I’m so sorry for your sister and your family and you! Sorry that you’ve all had to go through this at the worst possible time. Sorry that there wasn’t a different outcome. She sounds so strong and amazing and I hope that will bring you all comfort and strength going forward

I have no words which will help you, but your sister sounds amazing.
You obviously cherish her and she will feel your love.
Just be with her if you can be xx
Sending much love 💘

@Nobdienowhere

My husband is so pragmatic. He just told me to do something practical, but I don't know what that means at the moment. I want to save her.

Tell him you don't need 'practical' right now, you need to be held & loved.

I'm a very practical person, but sometimes you just need 'emotion' - hugs & love.

Are you able to spend time with her (bloody Covid).

She's talking about doing all kinds of impossible things, and I'm encouraging every single part of it.
Her dreams are still valid.
If there's a miracle in the vicinity, she's grabbing it. Alternatively, I'll be taking it by force on her behalf.
Our parents are here, but both are very unwell. However, we will do what we can.
Unfortunately our other sibling passed many years ago.

I want that to stop, but I don't want her to stop.

I’m so sorry. I know exactly what you mean.

I think you should go and scream somewhere. Get your DH to drive you somewhere remote and do it.

Bastard cancer.

But you will find it helpful in future that you got to be with her, so be with her if you can. Is she in hospice care? They are amazing.

I have a different car now, but my old car heard plenty of shouting & absorbed many tears!

She does deserve to live & if love could fix it, you would, if we could help we would.

I just want to hug you while you cry xx and cry with you

I'm sorry your parents are both unwell & that you have already lost a sibling.

Definitely keep encouraging her dreams. There's nothing to be gained by not. Some pure fantasy hurts no one. Whatever it takes to get through each day.

So so sorry OP. Excuse my language but cancer is an absolute bastard. I don’t know you but I am sending hugs & 💐💐💐

Jesus lady that's about broken my heart. What an incredible post. You sound utterly broken but somehow I sense you will find a way though this utterly, utterly shit hand that's been dealt. That path might well include screaming rage, so be it. It is totally unfair.

I am so sorry. I lost my mum to cancer, and like you, in many ways began grieving before she died. I was with her when she died and although I knew it was coming, I hadn't prepared what words I wanted her to be the last she heard. I babbled and cried and I do wish I'd thought about it before.
Wishing you love and strength - I am so so sorry x