Still the storm

[Willowkins]

Continuing the support thread - mostly for the partners of people living with terminal cancer - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting_illness/3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm?pg=10

@Hardtimesnow I'm here. DH died three weeks ago, the funeral was on Thursday. Happy to talk. X

Thanks for replying @PlantPhoenix , and so sorry about your DH, I’m so glad it was peaceful for you at the end. How are you and your children coping? I have school aged and teenagers, I’m terrified about the future x

Hi @Hardtimesnow I think a few of us dropped off from this thread because we've been through the storm and now we're negotiating the peace - but we're still here to listen and support.

@Hardtimesnow we're all here, holding your hand x

Here and listening @Hardtimesnow, I hope we can be of some support to you

@PlantPhoenix just wanted to add that I'm so sorry to hear your news and sending you a handhold if you're still awake.

I can see you're coming to the end of this particular thread, but hope it's ok for me to join. My husband is going through is third lot of cancer in 4 years.

As summary, had throat cancer in 2019 which he was successfully treated for with chemo and radio.
In early 2020 he found a breast lump (totally unrelated to the throad cancer) and had a mastectomy and chemo/radio. Treatment ended in December 2020.
He's been in tons of pain the past few months and an MRI last week found he had extensive metastatic deposits throughout his spine, from the neck to the pelvis, and in his sternum. As this is secondary breast cancer, he's immediately classed as Stage 4. He's been prescribed morphine patches to cope with the pain.

We're waiting for a CT scan to see if it's spread to any soft tissues, but could be a few weeks before any results. It's not looking too good for him. He's 57.

Having read the last several pages it looks like this thread might actually be dying its own death, as most of you originals have already been through the storm and suffered your losses, which I'm sincerely sorry about.

I'll check back occasionally, in case anyone new joins x

Hi@WhenDovesFly, I’m sorry to hear about your husband, how unfair that he should have to go through this for a second time, and awful for you too. My partner was diagnosed with bowel and liver cancer a few months ago, had no symptoms so a complete shock that it was already so advanced. Life is so difficult, I’m feeling overwhelmed today 😕x

Hi @Hardtimesnow , I'm sorry to hear about your husband. We're shocked too that they've detected so much cancer in him already, and potentially worse news to come once they've done the CT scan.

I can understand you being overwhelmed. Do you have young children? Mine at least are early 20s now, so I don't have the stress of looking after them now. I do have an elderly DM though who needs support from me too, and along with working full time, it all gets a bit much. I hope you have some RL support from family and friends x

Hello, hope it’s ok to post here.
I went to the gp with a lump on my neck and a sore throat that had been going on for a while. I thought perhaps a Cold/viral thing, but went to be sure. Got there they were suddenly concerned about cancer. I thought, fuck. They referred for a biopsy and blood test. Got the results about 10 minutes ago and I’m still in shock. I apparently have medullary thyroid carcinoma, which my mum had but I stupidly thought that it couldn’t run int he family. I am pregnant. Stage 3. I’m just in shock. Thank you

@Fuckallthetories
I am very sorry to read that. It must be overwhelming for you. You could write on the cancer support thread which I think is more aimed at those with cancer themselves. www.mumsnet.com/talk/general_health/4640409-cancer-support-thread-84-gently-crunching-our-way-into-autumn

So sorry to hear that @Fuckallthetories, it must be very scary for you and I can only imagine the shock you must be feeling. Life can be so cruel sometimes.

Hi @Hardtimesnow amd @WhenDovesFly , I’m one of the old posters on this thread, but haven’t posted in a long while. I’ve been off mumsnet for quite some time and am just catching up on the thread now. I’m so sorry for you and yours that you find yourself in this position. It’s unimaginably difficult to navigate, and can feel deeply lonely and isolating. I also think the shock of it lasts far longer than we appreciate. And we operate in that space without realising.

My husband has stage 4 kidney cancer, it’s spread to his spine, liver, abdominal cavity, lymph nodes and ribs. It’s been three years. He was given his one year to go letter for insurance in august last year, but is still, somewhat miraculously, with us. This is definitely going to be a Christmas we did not think we would get. My husband is 52 and I have a DD who just turned 14.

@PlantPhoenix my most sincere condolences, I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

@loubieloo4 how are you?

I'm still around, hi to the new posters. So sorry you also find yourselves here.

Dh now has an ulcerated tumour which if I'm honest is horrific, he's still here plodding on god knows how and is relatively ok mobility wise etc. he can walk to the loo and back and sit and chat with us for a few hours before he needs to sleep. His medication is so high I don't know how he isn't sedated 🤷🏼‍♀️

Quick recap for new posters.

Dh diagnosed in 2019 at 38 with stage4 bowel cancer, had major surgery CRSHipec and 49 rounds of chemo. Treatment has now been stopped as it isn't working and a tumour is protruding through his abdomen, which is now ulcerated (also known as a fungating tumour). He has spread in lungs, liver, abdomen, lymph nodes, chest wall and a few other places I can't remember! We were told in sept he has at most a few months to live.

Hi all, glad to see a few people have posted. @WhenDovesFly, yes we have school aged children, and older ones, I suppose there’s no easy age to lose a parent. The bad news seems to be relentless right now, and waiting for results is torture. I do have support from friends but struggling to feel I have anything in common with them anymore, it’s hard to relate when your life is consumed by illness and worry. @Frikonastick @loubieloo4 So unfair how young our partners are, mine is 54, we should be enjoying life, instead I’m feeling resentful that others get to live to an old age and enjoy retirement, while our lives are filled with hospital appointments, constant worry and fear for the future.@Fuckallthetories, I’m so sorry to hear your awful news, you must be so scared. I’m waiting for test results myself, and I’m thinking surely we’ve had our share of bad luck? xx

@loubieloo4 I can relate, I’m not sure how DH is still here, and relatively mobile. He weighs about 54kgs now, it’s a constant assault on my sense of reality.

@Hardtimesnow i had a melanoma diagnosis myself during all this, and a not inconsiderable chunk of my arm removed, over 3 different ops (they kept finding more needed taking out) I have a super beautiful 5 inch scar now 🙄 but it was quite weird going through it as I just felt like, it’s going to be fine, there’s no way I can deal with anymore, so I just didn’t. The mind is a wonderfully elastic thing…… I hope your results will be good ones, crossing fingers and toes for you.

Are you all still working? I stopped when DH stopped in august last year, I just didn’t have the capacity and his prognosis was so poor I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, been living on the life insurance. But of course, I need to get back to work soon, especially in this climate everything has gone up so much. I just don’t know how I’m going to juggle it all.

Its been a while since I last posted or even looked at this thread, I've been avoiding it, i suppose the reality of how much this is affecting others has been overwhelming and I've been putting myself in denial.
My husband passed away in January, he had bowel cancer, diagnosed at 39, he would have been 41 this year. I'm still living in a childlike fantasy that he could come back home, hearing the keys turn and myself running to greet him. I miss him so much.

It continues to pain me to see so many of you going through similar journeys I really don't know how we do it. My tears are for the pain everyone has to go through, our brave loved ones for fighting this cruel battle,our helplessness, our need to protect and make things better for them.
I feel this thread is a place where we can definitely understand and empathise.

@Pucca123 I completely get the key in the door thing, I would sell both kidneys and my liver to have DH back.

It is the anniversary of his stroke this weekend and I am struggling far more than I thought I would. As if bastard cancer wasn't enough he had to have a stroke too. I have no idea how to get through this. None.

Sending love to you both @Pucca123 and @bloodywhitecat together with everyone else in your situation - really feel your heartbreak. Hope that the memories you have are able to give you some comfort.

@loubieloo4 it's quite frankly astounding how long the body can carry on, despite all evidence to the contrary. I hope you're ok.

@Pucca123 @bloodywhitecat I'm two months in and it feels harder than ever. I'm questioning all the decisions I ever made, worried sick that the kids are just plodding on and two of them are completely blanking the whole situation. I'm so sad.

Lots of virtual love to everyone who's in the club.

Well, it’s Christmas. DH was supposed to be dead already. But he isn’t. He’s here, hanging on by the skin of his teeth. Which frankly, is all he has left. He weighs less than our 14 year old DD now. At the beginning of November he was convinced he was well enough for his plan of doing an eight hour drive down to spend Xmas week with good friends was a possibility. Yesterday he conceded that things have moved on to the point it isn’t possible.

SIL came round to see him, and he said that we wouldn’t be able to go. And SIL just nodded along. No invite for us to join them or anything. Despite the fact I have hosted them every year for 10 years!!!!! So I had to say, you know, is it possible for us to come to you? SIL immediately was all like, oh yes of course. But I felt so fucking angry. Because this was the first year we weren’t going to host, they decided to have BILs family round, having never once asked us or offered. And I STILL had to be the one to ask if we could come.

I don’t know maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not really a big deal and I’m upset over nothing. I can’t tell anymore.

Oh @Frikonastick , people are so bloody weird and useless. DH'S family were utterly rubbish. Do you actually want to spend Christmas with them?

I can completely understand why you feel like you do, it was hurtful of her.