Dad has acute myeloid leukaemia

[ilovearcticroll]

It's not a good prognosis for someone his age-no treatment unless he gets on a trial. Kind of expected him to get to his nineties like my grandparents and certainly outlive my mother who has numerous health problems.

Does anyone have experience of this and what it's like? Diagnosed yesterday. He had a blood transfusion today which should make him feel better (haemoglobin was 8 and should be nearly double that). Will hear about trial after they discuss his case, but otherwise this is an aggressive, fast moving leukemia.

Even though there's been lots wrong with our relationship, l feel sad. He loves us and is kind and supportive, even if not always in the way you'd hope!

We all wrote dads - there were some daft wee stories in there that had people guffawing (which was odd but fitting as dad was a quiet man but has a cracking sense of humour, and made jokes about needing some teeth out at the age of 72 because of the bastarding cancer)

Funeral tomorrow (well, today, given the time I'm posting this!). Think I'm ready for the eulogy. At least it is written, I'm happy with it and if I can't deliver it when the time comes, someone else can.
I haven't been myself the last couple of days and I think it's my usual not being hit with stiff until the last minute and suddenly realising that, yes, it's dad's funeral and yes, he really has gone. I mean, I was there when he died and everything, but I was more in denial about his funeral happening than him actually dying. Hoping kids will be okay.

You will be fine - funerals aren’t odd things, and the organisers make sure things run smoothly and they expect family to be a bit discombobulated.

The kids will be fine - they may ask questions about death etc (I think that’s normal for children at some point anyway).

Eat, sleep, rest. Be kind to yourself and if you want to cry, break plates or shout obscenities in the garden, then that’s ok.

💐

Thanks! We have three children taking different approaches to Grandpa's death. By far the easiest is the littlest, who at eight just asks lots of questions like "can you think when you've died?"

The sun shone, I managed my eulogy, even my children sang with gusto and so many people shared warm memories that both gave me new insight into Dad and his life and confirmed that i knew him pretty well. And made me laugh. Bless him.

Well done for getting through to the other side.

You will be up and down over the next few days as you don’t have all the organisation of the funeral to keep you busy. Keep occupied and busy - remember there isn’t a manual for grief so go with the flow.

💐

Well done for getting through it, I'm glad that things went well for you. Take care and look after yourself

💐💐for you, JackRussellsAreCute and LordFrontPaw. If I knew you IRL they'd be real ones. You, and so many others have been such lovely, kind, sensible support. 🙂

Aww thank you! I guess we are in the same club (that we’d rather not be in).

Remember to watch out for the ninja guilt and sadness attacks that can come at any time. They really are sneaky little sods.

Oh and another tip - remember where you put things that wither relate to your dad or smell like him. I have a box of mums things in my wardrobe that smells of her perfume. I also for some god only knows reason (probably mum asked me to) tool photos of dads grave after the funeral. I forgot all about the camera and popped the roll of film onto the pharmacy months later, thinking it was an old holiday roll. When I picked them up I eagerly opened the pack to see what the photos were - oh there’s my sister, there’s mum, why have I got a photo of my brother... holy mother of god is that a grave???? I didn’t even remember taking photos and may have bawled slightly in the middle of Boots.

Dad would have chuckled, patted me on the shoulder and said ‘aw pet, what can I do?’ (Snigger)

Ah, bless you. I think the smells thing might have sailed-my sister has given away his clothes, but there are so very many things he's made that I know he will stay close in that way. In a way, the fact that we didn't see him all the time helps, although little bit of denial too. The thing I have is that I can almost still feel the last hugs he gave when he knew he was ill but was quite well. They were fight and went on forever. 😍

Tight!🙄

Odd things smell of perfume though - no clothing in the box - nick nacks, books, weird silver things that I have no ideas what they are for (cutlery type things). Jewellery boxes too (the padded type).

Worst are my grandmothers things - the poor thing has no sense of smell and used to marinade in the strongest cologne you can imagine, always things like violet and lily of the valley. Even her old mantle clock smells - phew! A friend uses the same aftershave as my dad and it took me a while to click why I liked the smell so much.

Gosh, then it'll probably be on the chairs we're having.

I definitely think my thing is still overreacting to things that wouldn't usually upset me. Was about to give an example but realise it might put me, but I am more irritated by stuff I'd usually let go, but am currently dealing without tears or sadness at the things that "should" upset me. Like-no tears at the funeral, fine singing. Even okay with one of my mum's friends who, not known for her tact, said she thought I should have said more about a particular part of dad's life in the eulogy. 😳

See - it’s that sneaky ninja grief. The funeral is like a conveyor belt - so much nervous energy and you are just whisked from one place to another. The grief just pops out at unexpected places - a bit like one of those squeeze stress balls that have the netting around them.

That exactly! I know myself well enough to expect this by now. I'm dry eyed at leavers assemblies but will suddenly come across an old baby sock and am desperate for my tiny babies back again. Bound to be like that with dad. The only near moment I had at the funeral was when I was just about to go into the church...the same one I'd gone into on his arm when I got married. The flowers on his coffin were the same shades as my wedding flowers. Got myself together but it was a sharp intake of breath.

Was just thinking about you Articroll, hope you're doing ok

Bless you JackRussellsAreCute. Doing okay. I'm very glad, in a weird way, that we aren't having to worry about Dad in this Corona crisis. I can't imagine how hard it must be for people who can't visit relatives.

Not at all related to my Dad, but how are you doing @Jackrusselsarecute and @Lordfrontpaw?

All ok in Cassa Paw.

We are all stuck at home (me, my paw and son on paw). DS pissed off because the exams are cancelled and I’m going a bit stir crazy - I find it hard to work at home!

Not been on for a while Articroll. I'm struggling a bit with all this coronavirus malarkey to be honest. My mum was recently diagnosed with cancer and is currently having treatment so she's in the 12 week group. I'm doing her shopping and when I go to see her she is just desperate to spend some time with me. Obviously I'm terrified about passing anything on so we stay in her garden at least 2 m apart. That itself still worries me, but I have to think about her mental health and give her some support in real life as well. She isn't seeing anyone else in real life ... How are you getting on?