Dad has acute myeloid leukaemia

[ilovearcticroll]

It's not a good prognosis for someone his age-no treatment unless he gets on a trial. Kind of expected him to get to his nineties like my grandparents and certainly outlive my mother who has numerous health problems.

Does anyone have experience of this and what it's like? Diagnosed yesterday. He had a blood transfusion today which should make him feel better (haemoglobin was 8 and should be nearly double that). Will hear about trial after they discuss his case, but otherwise this is an aggressive, fast moving leukemia.

Even though there's been lots wrong with our relationship, l feel sad. He loves us and is kind and supportive, even if not always in the way you'd hope!

And there it is, LordFrontPaw. The guilt. I didn't see him enough, I didn't call him enough. And I didn't. And there were reasons. But I loved him.

He knew that and that’s the most important thing.

Thanks, LordFrontPaw. And that wave has passed for a bit and I'm into a wave of everything, really little things, reminding me of him and that being pleasurable with a slight sting.

Hope you're getting through the days articroll have you been able to make any funeral plans yet?

Ah, bless you for asking, JackRussels. Yes, managing okay. Everything makes me think of Dad but it's not painful yet.

The funeral plans have started and it's might get a bit tricky, but hopefully we'll find a way through.
I looked back at my OP and am wondering why I found Dad so tricky. I know it, and haven't forgotten how tricky he was in some ways, but the nice things about him seem to be out weighing those difficult bits at the moment. I don't feel guilty, and I'm not going to canonise him in my memories. I don't think I want to reduce him like that. It just feels nice to remember him at the moment.
We didn't see all that much of him, but it'll be the holiday we used to go on with him where there'll be a big hole. And Christmas, and birthdays with no card from him. And his birthday with no card to send.
I'm possibly still in denial.
But feel weirdly okay. He was not well, he has expressed a wish to go in his sleep so I can't feel sad for him not being here just yet.

Are you still hanging in there OP?

Ah, bless you, LordFrontPaw, yes. It is busy, which is helpful, and we have got Dad's funeral service together. I am tasked with the eulogy, which is making me gulp and shudder a bit but also giving me such a great chance to think about Dad and what he meant to me and others.

We have also had to have estate agents to value the family home. Weirdly, given the sensitive approach of all bar one of the estate agents (we are not naive to its development potential, but please don't go on about ripping stuff out 😳), it has been a chance to celebrate the home I grew up in and look forward to its future. Mum and dad bought it when they got married and it is going to be an amazing home for someone. That makes me feel good. And I am glad to be able to honour Dad (who was flawed but amazing all in one) by respecting what he wanted to happen.

I am not naive. At some point, sooner or later, I am expecting to have the gut wrenching feeling of never seeing him again. A few tears today, but more to come.

I'm glad you feel able to honour your dad by sorting out the eulogy- will you deliver it too? I hope that things are going well for you with the complicated family dynamics you mentioned earlier

Thanks JackRussells. I plan to deliver it but my dh is on standby to read for me if I can't. It's impossible to tell-I have read at grandparents' funerals but this could well be more overwhelming.
Currently, people are working together very well to honour Dad and I find some of the things I found difficult about dad have drifted away a bit. I don't mean I have forgotten-to suddenly see him as a one dimensional benign figure would do him a disservice. It's more that they matter less and I am being flooded with kind, funny, sweet memories. With a few eye rolls...

And people who don't generally get on are compromising. Probably moaning in private, but that's okay.

Just retracing posts from the last week or so. It's completely surreal how long it seemed between dad taking his down turn last Monday/Tuesday and dying on Saturday morning. I wish he could have had longer in a stable way, but I'm also still weirdly relieved that it wasn't longer for him. It's only a week since I came home and then had to go back the next day. And we have planned his funeral in that time, learnt the contents of his will and started to get things going.

Just so odd.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I really hope you are doing ok. Sending you deepest condolences and much love

Thanks, Dita x

Keep your chin up and if you don’t feel up to the eulogy then pass it on. My BIL did my dads because none of us food and I actually can’t remember who did mums (she died suddenly and we were still in shock - I think it was my brother). I’ve been to some where it has to be handed over (they should have tried to give it - it’s not easy).

Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to make it all ‘perfect for dad’. Go for a nice service and low stress.

💐

That's good advice. I will write it and plan to deliver but I have dh as back up. He's already reading as well, but happy to support and has had to read/speak at some very tricky memorials before.

And it's been about compromise with the service. I like the hymns and bible readings. The poems are not my thing really, but they are meaningful and what others want and that's fine. It's a family affair and I feel very honoured to be considered the right person to write his eulogy. Also, the vicar who's taking the service is brilliant-the right combination of sensitive abs matter of fact at just the right times.

Just checking in Articroll, it sounds like you have a lovely celebration of your dad's life planned. I hope that things go well, how are you feeling?

Ah, thanks for asking JackRussells. Generally okay, but I may have got a bit over emotional when calling holiday booking place who, despite having copy of death certificate, still left Dad's name on booking. It's tough to think of that holiday without Dad as it is. But it was just a mistake. And I received an apology. It's moments like that, though, that let me know there's something lurking beneath my apparently business as usual exterior.

Well now I've found what sets me off. I have been so at peace with dad dying because he was ill and uncomfortable and sad. And now I'm looking at pictures for the order of service-Christmases, weddings, graduations that kind of thing and I have a wave of sadness for the times that won't happen again. And a bit of guilt for not inviting him to see us more. He was so kind, even if he was so awkward at times and drove me mad.

You also have to watch out for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc. All sad times (it gets better though). And the sneaky ninja attacks.

You give good advice. Is it normal to feel rather irrational with administrative incompetency? The pension people tried to tell me the form I'd requested wouldn't be sent for 30 working days and I felt raging...I think I also have PMT so that might be it more than grief? Or a delicious cocktail of both...😳

Always! Oh, and people being nice will make you cry. And people being arses.

Some idiot in a shop started yelling 'nonononono!' when I walked in with DS who was holding an apple.

I laughed and asked if he was joking as he wasn't even eating it and the little rat went into a rant about 'ant 'oo ah yueee, yu avent even brushed your hair today!' (for he was French).

At that point (not my finest hour) I burst into tears, told him that my mum had dropped dead the night before so ex-cuuuuuuse me for for not looking my best. He gave me a hug. DS just watched, eating his apple...

And...draft order of service from funeral directors just arrived by email with Dad looking gloriously happy on my wedding day 🙂and😢all in one.

Aww - what a lovely memory though.

So...trying to commit Dad's eulogy to paper and it's so difficult. I can't get it to say what I really want to say and some of the memories seem so small and personal.
Plus, and I wonder if this is a common thing or just me, it's making me fear that I've done very little with my life. Dad was so constant and committed to things and I'm so flighty in comparison.