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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

How do you say goodbye?

41 replies

Youvegotafriendinme · 14/05/2018 07:14

My Dmum was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in late October 2017 and we were told 6 months. 6 months is here and today I have to go say goodbye to her. I wish I could sit with her till the end but I have a young son and no help, DH can’t take time off so I’ll have to make do with a few hours before DH goes to work at lunch time.
What do I say? I’m told she can hear me and I don’t want her to hear me cry. I feel so empty inside and can’t understand how life’s fair. She’s leaving 6 grandkids, ones only 8 weeks old. I’m rambling, sorry. I just wondered if anyone has any advice? Thank you

OP posts:

Freddiesgirl · 14/05/2018 07:19

I'm so sorry for you, no advice, but until someone comes along

WhyBird2k · 14/05/2018 07:24

I'm so sorry. My dad had pancreatic cancer too. Thinking back to him past moments it was never as awful as I thought it would be because I suppose I had spent months preparing for it. Your mum will be at peace. How to say goodbye depends on your relationship with her...talking about normal things, meaningful things or even nothing at all are all OK. Can you push DH to take the day off so you can have this time with your mum? Again I'm so sorry, just remember she is with you and there is a community of people out there who really do understand. I found the website What's your grief very very supportive.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 14/05/2018 07:28

I'm so sorry. I don't suppose you have a neighbour or a friend who could help? Don't be afraid of asking - I would have your little one in a flash.

Namethecat · 14/05/2018 07:37

I would thank her for all she did for you. Talk about a few memories ,Christmas,holidays, the funny things that defined your family. What your child has been up to etc. I was told by the hospice that sometimes a person fights to stay alive, not for themselves but for their family. You could tell her that it is ok to go, that you will always love her and miss her but her memory will live on as long as your alive. I never said goodbye as that seemed so final, but I just say and spoke to her until she died. Sending you strength and best wishes.

marl · 14/05/2018 07:49

Maybe think about what she needed you to feel about her when she was active and bringing you up. When I knew it was my fathers last lucid moment I told him that he had done so well in his life. He was an immigrant from the 50s and had worked hard. Much of his life he spent being indignant that we didn't appreciate his graft and hard work. He needed to have that recognised. He was a hard and proud man but inside he wanted praise and recognition. He turned his head away as he almost couldn't bear to hear it but I knew he had needed that recognition and hadn't had it. Maybe think about words that would recognise what she has done well in as it may be easier to say and get out in a difficult time like this.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 14/05/2018 07:52

My DM died of pancreatic cancer too and I know it must be a difficult time for you and your family.

I have to admit I did cry when I sat with my DM the last time! I know what you mean about not wanting your DM to hear you cry but if tears do come, that’s absolutely fine and your DM will understand.

Maybe tell her a little about what your DS is up to, something funny he has said and recall any memories you have of your time together with your DM that are particularly dear. Thank her for bringing you up and tell her that you’ll be fine and it’s ok. (I know you won’t be feeling you’ll be fine but you will be fine.)

As for me, I’m not sure I said my goodbyes well because it was hard to think straight and I was so tired! But ‘I love you’, which I did manage, is enough, if nothing else coherent comes to mind.

Sending love to you and your DM.

Vitalogy · 14/05/2018 07:54

So sorry OP.
It's ok to cry, try not to worry about that.
Just sit with your dear mum, if you can't think of anything to say that's ok too.
Best wishes.

letstryagainaaahhhh · 14/05/2018 07:57

When I said goodbye to my dad, I held his hand and told him I loved him and that everything would be ok. I told him it was ok to go to sleep now as he was very frightened of dying. I told him what I wanted to do with my future and talked about my favourite memories from when I was younger and which he was an integral part of. I don't think there is a right way of saying good bye, but if you cry then your mum will understand. I'm sorry you are going through this

lostfrequencies · 14/05/2018 08:05

Original poster

Youvegotafriendinme · 14/05/2018 22:45

Thank you all for your lovely messages and to those who have lost people. I am not one for asking for help but today I did and I was able to spend all day with her- have just got home. She is currently still holding on like the strong woman she always has been. At one point, she held my face in her hands and said she loves me. I’ll treasure that for the rest of my life. I hope she makes it through the night so I can see her tomorrow.

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 14/05/2018 22:48

I'm so glad you were able to spend the day with her. A handhold to you lass

ferriswheel · 14/05/2018 22:52

A handhold from me too.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 14/05/2018 22:54

love to you OP. hope you get to have a few more good moments again tomorrow.

Ski40 · 14/05/2018 22:57

My heart goes out to you. I'm so, so sorry.xx

letstryagainaaahhhh · 15/05/2018 06:27

I'm so pleased to hear you had that time together yesterday.

Vitalogy · 15/05/2018 06:49

Glad you asked for help and was able to spend more time together.

ElizaDontlittle · 15/05/2018 06:56

I hope you get some time with her today too. She sounds like a wonderful woman and the strength and joy in your relationship will never be lost.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 15/05/2018 08:15

Still thinking of you and your DM. I feel a little teary myself thinking of your DM holding your face in her hands and telling you she loved you. That's beautiful.

You are doing so well.

Vitalogy · 15/05/2018 08:18

holding your face in her hands and telling you she loved you. Lovely isn't it. Like OP says, something to treasure.

TuTru · 15/05/2018 08:21

Really feel for you. I recently lost my dad to cancer, and sat with him til the very end. I never said goodbye tho, you don’t have to.
I just told him not to worry we’d look after things for him and I told him if he wanted to let go he could. I did cry on and off while there but I would leave the room if it got too much as I didn’t think he’d want to hear me crying really. Just tell her you love her. And tell her thanks for being your mum. You don’t have to say or do anything else. Be strong. I’m holding your hand with the others xxx

Original poster

Youvegotafriendinme · 15/05/2018 08:59

She made it through the night and I’m back with her now.

Your kind words are really helping me through. Thank you

OP posts:

Turnitupdrhill · 15/05/2018 09:06

Oh bless you. My Dad had pancreatic cancer too. As everyone has said, just say all the things you want her to hear, hold her hand and share memories. The last hours I shared with my Dad are a very comforting and special memory now, and it still helps more than 20 years on.

Sending you all the very best, a hand hold from here too xx

Jenijena · 15/05/2018 09:08

I would and have looked after an almost stranger’s child in a similar situation, and am honoured to have been asked. Glad you asked for help xxx

fizzandchips · 15/05/2018 09:21

I’m so glad you had yesterday and now have today. Such treasured memories. As well as all the excellent advice given; as you sit with her today you could share out loud some of your future hopes and dreams and maybe make a few promises to her (and to yourself) and then she will be part of your future too. For example “I promised DM I’d show you were we went on holiday as a child. And here we we are!” “I promised Mum I’d start painting again so I’m going to sign up for that art class in September’” “I promised DM we’d always toast her birthday” and when it’s her birthday and you drink your champagne or tea you tell those around you that you promised her and then tell them stories about her. That way some of the decisions you make today become part of your future and your mum is still there at the heart of it. Sending love.

echt · 15/05/2018 11:00

OP, while every moment with a loved is one to treasure, your mum holding your face in her hands and telling you she loves you is beyond measure.

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