I need some support, please. Pancreatic cancer in DF. Long, sorry.

[mineofuselessinformation]

My DF has pancreatic cancer.
Diagnosed last week.
Stent into gall bladder attempted earlier this week, not successful.
DF has had a bleed which was found this morning. Now having a total of five units of blood and god knows what else. He's really unwell, and for a man who's never really ailed anything in his life has been brought really low, it's worrying that he's so weak.
He faces being sent to another hospital for a different type of stent via the liver.
I'm trying to support my DParents whilst relaying news to my siblings who live overseas, and am trying to carry on working (I don't want to ask for too much as they're very supportive at the moment), so am working mornings, then going to get DM, take her to the hospital (she can't drive that far), and then come home to relay news to siblings and answer questions.
I honestly don't know how long I can go in like this - it feels never-ending (and I've been handed a pack of useful information with leaflets of symptoms, how to get help via Macmillan etc.) DParents didn't want to take it, I didn't either, really.
Has anyone else been here?
Sorry for the long, rambly disjointed post.
I had a thread here before, which I can't face trying to link on the app.

Oh Mine I'm so sorry to be reading your update. I came on just to check in on your thread, you must feel shell-shocked. The speed at which this disease takes over a person is unbelievable.

I hope your dad is now at peace, try and take comfort from that and that he is no longer suffering. You have tough times ahead of you, we're still here to support you. If there is anything at all I can do then pleas, pleas PM me.

Very un-MN but sending you a big hug tonight.

*please, please

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear dad mine. Yet another lovely person taken too soon by this horrible disease. I will be thinking of you

So sorry for you loss. My dad survived 13 weeks after his diagnosis but a week before his NHS scan was scheduled. He is at peace now. Look after yourself . X

Really sorry to hear that. It's just horrible, as I said upthread. But I'm glad he seems to have had a relatively quick and painless end.

Thank you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss xxx

Just coming back to say I'm doing ok, dsis is here, dbro coming as soon as he can.
We're all trying to cope in our own way. It's hard. I found it very difficult saying goodbye to DF knowing I would never see him again (I don't want to view his body).
He is at peace now, and not frightened any more. I'm clinging to that.

for you, OP.

It's so bloody hard and horrible. Just try to get through the days, look after yourself by eating and drinking as well as you can. Do the minimum "stuff" and don't feel you have to rush into any decisions (of course, that's only what I felt and feel in hindsight but it's different for everyone, others probably feel better because they keep busy).

Sincere sympathies and hugs.

Mine, I've just seen your comment about not seeing your father's body. Stop reading now if you don't want to hear my recollection of that time.

When my dad died, he didn't look like him. His face looked wrong, I can't explain how but I was haunted by the memory. I saw him a few days later and he looked like himself and at peace. The horrible memory of how he looked in the hospice has been replaced by a much more conforting one.

Thank you all.
We're not rushing - I don't think we can, TBH.
Emma, I'm pleased for you that you found some comfort seeing your DF one last time. My poor DF was more jaundiced than ever, and terribly thin. I'm not haunted by it (although I am by the memory of holding him as he vomited blood - I hope that will fade in time).
I want to remember my DF happy and healthy, and not how he looked before he died.

Mine I totally understand why you don't wish to remember your dad in that way, I wish with everything I have that I'd never gone to see my DM in the hospital mortuary after she had died. I wouldn't actually recommend it to anyone going from my experience.

The bad memories will eventually fade, not a quick process but slowly, the good ones will become more prominent. It took me a long long while to not relive the last few days of DM life every single night before I could go to sleep, probably the best part of a year if I'm honest, but when I think of her now I instantly think of the good times. I'll never forget what she went through but it's no longer at the forefront of my mind and I hope that in time it's the same for you xx

Thanks, Carrie. It's a relief that dbro has decided not to see him. DAunty from overseas is going to be told it's a closed coffin if she wants to visit the chapel of rest.
It's so hard to know what is normal for now. It was dc2's birthday yesterday and I found it really difficult - it's challenging to be light-hearted ATM, but of course I wanted them to enjoy it.
I'm also wobbling because I've had this week off and have said I will return Monday - it's not the sort of job that you can do at anything less than 100%.

Don't go back tomorrow if you're not ready to, a week is no time at all when you're going through the bereavement of someone so close to you. If you can extend your leave then you should.

Well done getting through your DS' birthday yesterday, so hard to keep things normal for the children but of course you have to - to a certain extent anyway.

How is your DM coping?

DM is doing quite well. She has her moments which is to be expected I suppose. Dsis is with her as I've been home for dcs birthday weekend.
I'm feeling calmer about work, but want to ask for one afternoon off this week (when DM meets the eulogist), and for three days the week of the funeral. I don't know what work will say - I know there have been complaints about my absence already.

I can't believe there have been complaints about your absence at work, just how insensitive and unsympathetic can people be? Do not give it any headspace, easier said than done I know but as you yourself have said - you need to give 100% when there and you have so much to get your head around right now.

What day is the funeral? I found I was on autopilot in the period up to the funeral, it was after it was over that everything really hit me so don't be surprised if that happens to you. And your poor DM.

Thinking of you all x

To be fair Carrie, I'm a teacher and it's parents that have complained. I know I'd be concerned too as a parent - but I have planned all lessons while I've been off and the students have made progress almost as if I were there. They weren't to know, it just made me feel bad.
And this morning I had an email to say I hadn't submitted some reports (deadline this afternoon), so I had to deal with that too - again the person concerned didn't know, but it made me feel ill. Luckily a colleague came to my rescue and did some for me.
Sorry to drip-feed. As I said, I have to be there 100% when I'm there.

P.S. The funeral isn't for another couple of weeks.
I went to see dsis and DM after work (and after I'd finished writing the bloody reports) - I don't know why really, it just felt wrong not to see DM for so long after seeing her every day.