My niece nearly broke me today.

[Staywithme]

I've been just about holding it together for the last two years but my niece started crying over my husband today and I thought I was going to break. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer two years ago and I'm trying to hold it together for my quirky little family. My family consists of my husband, two nephews and my wee niece who came to live with us 3 months ago. They're siblings.
We found out three weeks ago that all the meds that he was on to slow down the spread have stooped working so now it's racing through him. According to the consultant it's one of the most aggressive forms of prostate cancer he's ever seen and my poor beautiful husband has it. It's not fucking fair.
My wee niece was kept from us for four years and now that she's home she's going to lose him. She's 19 and has SN and she has to go through this and my boys have to go through this after all they've suffered in their young lives and their bastard parents go on looking after number one. I could scream. Fuck fuck fuck. This is hard. Sorry. I'm rambling. Don't even know why I'm posting. I just need to of load.

Hello dancing. Hope you had a good sleep and I didn't distress you with my ranting. The hospice want to arrange community care for us so that someone comes in to wash and dress my husband morning and night to take the pressure of and so there is a routine to our day, which I'm currently finding difficult to maintain. I'm very lucky I'm in an area where the help is available. I know others that have had to fight for help.

This is very similar to what happened to my grandad. I have a shitty family too, but him and my grandma loved me. I can only offer my love and sympathy. Try counselling to get through this. You sound amazing and remember you are strong and it is okay to vent your understandable anger.

Awk Spanky, it's shit isn't it. These people who have kids then treat them like shit and pass their venom on to some of their other kids. Sorry about your grandad. It sounds awful but I get angry when I think of the scum that seem to go through life unscathed and then good people like my DH and our close friend that got terminal cancer.

No of course you didn't distress me. Not at all. I would definitely take any help you can get, anything to ease the pressure a bit. My dh gets a direct payment to pay for any care he needs. It makes a huge difference to me, although at this stage he uses it to get to the numerous hospital appointments when I can't take him, and chemotherapy sessions. It also helps pay for emergency childcare when things go wrong, which they often do when living under the shadow of cancer.

I'm very sorry to read your OP, Stay. You could be talking about my father, who had exactly this scenario and died last October, many months later than the doctors expected.

My DH, who lost his mother to cancer, told me 'Don't grieve 'til he's gone'. He meant for me to try and live in the present and not dread the future, and it was good advice. The loss is too horrible to contemplate, you know it is coming but not when, but if you anticipate it too much you might miss out in the here and now. I hope you don't mind me saying that, and I absolutely don't mean to preach.

Macmillan helped my mother enormously, both for practical things and in offering a listening ear for her. Her Macmillan nurse was absolutely wonderful. My mother could be completely open about how awful it was, and that was a precious release.

Happy to be a listening ear via this thread or PM when you need it.

My DH, who lost his mother to cancer, told me 'Don't grieve 'til he's gone'. He meant for me to try and live in the present and not dread the future, and it was good advice. The loss is too horrible to contemplate, you know it is coming but not when, but if you anticipate it too much you might miss out in the here and now. I hope you don't mind me saying that, and I absolutely don't mean to preach.

I really agree with that. Thats my strategy.

stay with me and Dancing I'm so very sorry for what you and your families are going through. My DM died of the Bastard Caner (as it is termed in another forum I post on) and reading your posts has made me realise just how hard it must have been for my DF. I wasn't a kid at the time - but somehow he shielded me and DSis from the worst of it. Of course I still remember it as the most awful time of my life: nearly 18 years later I still can't talk about it.
You may not think you're particularly brave, but you are, I promise you. Being brave doesn't mean not feeling scared, it means feeling scared but ploughing on. And you may not have a choice in the matter - it still doesn't mean you're not brave.
Sorry for the garbled post. for you both.

I don't know how you do it DancingDinosaur. My boys are grown but the oldest has severe depression and we're waiting for him to be tested/assessed for Aspergers. The second is away in England and doesn't know about our latest news as I want to wait until he comes home, next week. I try and keep things running but get so exhausted when doing it all as my husband doesn't sleep well. Ironically I can't sleep now because he's not here!
How the hell do you manage with young ones and a job. I'm in awe of you. O miss my job sometimes but I'm on unpaid leave and know I don't have any hours left to fit in work.

Of course I still remember it as the most awful time of my life: nearly 18 years later I still can't talk about it.

Thats so heartbreaking. I dread that for my dc.

You said earlier that you're not strong, just putting the brave face on. I've heard it said many times that courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Maybe strength is feeling weak and doing it anyway. I'm sure your DH feels your strength is real.

Oh crikey stay theres no choice but to deal with it is there.

Actually, when you have young children they take your mind off of it. You have to get up and do all the kid stuff that they demand of you. I think its probably harder if you have more thinking time. With kids yelling demands all the time, it limits the thinking time!!

The loss is too horrible to contemplate, you know it is coming but not when, but if you anticipate it too much you might miss out in the here and now.

Like Dancing, that's how I usually get through. I actually say something similar to friends when they ask how I cope. It just got too close last night and I raced to the end.

Dancing please don't dread it. I rather fear that it is just my crappy way of not dealing with stuff. I talk freely of my DM and how ace she was. I just don't deal too well with how she went. My DSis is completely well adjusted however, and has reconciled herself to how it is.

I get that. Its not always possible to hold it back.

Thats reassuring to hear confused. It just seems so sad when such a huge chunk of their child hood, well pretty much all of it, is overshadowed by loss.

It just seems so sad when such a huge chunk of their child hood, well pretty much all of it, is overshadowed by loss.

That's heartbreaking Dancing. I know mine are grown up but they've already list so much and I'd hoped they would have stable lives and families of their own before anything happened to us. I'm now terrified of anything happening yo me as they will have no one.

Lost not list.

Me too stay. My 5 year old keeps saying 'you won't die too will you mummy' I've started doing more exercise and trying to eat more healthily so I can hopefully stay around a bit longer. Sad eh!

I've started doing more exercise and trying to eat more healthily so I can hopefully stay around a bit longer.

I keep saying I'm going to, but then spot a nice wine and end up having a glass Though it used to be a bottle in the early days, not every night by the way! I bought myself small glasses so I'd only have the one. I'm afraid my diets got worse and I've put on weight as I'm usually snatching food on the go. Bty I wasn't drinking last night thank goodness. Can you imagine the state I would have been in? [wry smile]
I'm just of the phone to my sil and we're going to have a wee do in the day room for my dh's birthday. The consultant kindly offered the use of it.

Yes the wine is a bit of a temptation I must admit. I keep telling myself I'll cut right back, but that hasn't quite happened yet. Smaller glasses are a good idea though On the plus side I have given up smoking, 5 months now, so a step in the right direction. A party in the day room really is a lovely idea. Are you going to bring wine, cake and balloons?

Dh's sister is going to arrange mist of it. She says all I have to do is get the cake and wine and getting a taxi 2nd boy is coming back a day earlier than planned to surprise him. Though I need to make sure everyone is invited as sil has a tendency to put herself up as matriarch and thinks she knows what's best. I don't want her giving the impression that the nephews and nieces are not invited. She would invite her own daughter but leave the rest out. Excusing it by saying that her pfb is older than the rest.

I got the wine glasses from one of those wee cheap shops as they're harder to get from the fancy shops. I think it's because they're not fashionable. P.s. I feel so much better now you've told me you like a glass or two. well done on giving up the smoking.

I've poured myself a glass. Strange, my sil sounds very similar to yours. She thinks she knows best too, and tries to interfere, even though she lives over 200 miles away!

Its not fair on you that even now you have to keep an eye on what your sil is up to. Nightmare. Although at least its taking the strain off of you if she's organizing most of the party though. You can just concentrate on the things you want to make it really special. Which is something.
I shall be searching the cheap shops for small glasses. I expect I'll just drink more of them, but its worth a try!!

I expect I'll just drink more of them

I've just poured myself a glass of Rioja. My sil is genuinely trying to be supportive but she can't help herself. The funny thing is, she's not the oldest, but I think because she's a psychiatric nurse she assumes she knows better than everyone else, iykwim. Shes not the most popular amongst the nieces and nephews most of them don't like her but dh's got 9 siblings so you really do get a mix of personalities and they some get on better than others. It took me a long time getting used to them and tbh they judged me on the fact that I'm NC with all of my siblings and parents. I think they hate the fact my DH or I have never told them why, but I suspect their heads would expload if they knew the reasons.