Lesbian/same sex couples ivf experiences

[Quickdraw23]

Hi folks,

I didn’t really know where to put this, I know this forum doesn’t get loads of traffic but I’m hoping some will see it.

I’m really looking for a bit of hope.

The circumstances are: I’m 33, partner is 30. We decided we were ready to try and have a baby earlier this year. After lots of reading around, chatting to lesbian/Same sex couple friends who have had children in the last couple of years and a consultation with a fertility clinic we opted to try mild IVF with donor sperm with me going first due to being a little bit older.

We chose this due to increased success rates and wanting to avoid the risk of paying for 6 rounds of iui and then moving to IVF anyway. I have no known pre-existing health issues, BMI 21, fairly fit and active (gym, sporty hobby), try to eat healthy, (do like cake and ice cream) don’t eat red meat, don’t smoke or do drugs, very moderate alcohol intake which I pretty much ceased a month before commencing egg collection. (I sound very dull when I write this down!)

I’ve been very lucky as I responded fine to stims on a mild protocol with very few ill effects (8 eggs, ended up with 3 good quality blasts 4AA, 5BB and 3BB). Didn’t test embryos as it wasn’t really clinically indicated.

our fresh transfer in May failed, and today I have found out our frozen transfer has also failed. 10dp5dt on a boots test strip. OTD is tomorrow but it looked very very negative today.

We’ve got our one little 3BB left to try, but I’m feeling very despondent. The research/internet says this is still within the realms of normal, but I’ve had friends my age and older conceive much quicker, or with IUI alone. I’m trying very hard not to blame myself (stupid thoughts like: was it because I mowed the lawn with our extremely light mower during the TWW , or ate that spicy burrito on the day of transfer?).

IVF is so cruel in that the meds you are on mimic pregnancy symptoms. Despite telling myself this over and over, as I got closer to testing I found it increasingly difficult not to be hopeful this time, as I felt very different from the fresh cycle.

I don’t really want to burden the folks on the infertility boards with this post, as there are women over there with so much more challenging circumstances to deal with.

I’m wondering if anyone has been in similar circumstances and had some success after two or more failed embryo transfers?

we have two straws of sperm left, I would feel awful using the second and leaving only one for my partner if there’s something wrong with my eggs.

Since we started this process the algorithm has found endless examples of beaming attractive lesbian couples having successful single and twin pregnancies on the first or second transfers, and it’s not making me feel good!

thank you, anyone who makes it to the end of this epic novel!

[girljulian]

Not exactly the same situation for me but similar. My husband is intersex, so we always knew we were going to have to use donor sperm as he doesn't have testicles.

Anyway, long story short: I've had two transfers and both have so far failed. I only got one blast in my first round, then was lucky enough to get three in my second round. Fresh transfer failed; I have two embryos left.

Have you spoken to your consultant about possible reasons? I have been put on Zoladex at this point to make sure it isn't inflammation in my womb. I'm also going to have antibiotics before the frozen transfer to make sure it isn't endometritis (a bacterial infection of the womb). The best thing you can do at this time is try and make sure it's not a womb issue; at the same time, at our age (I am a similar age to you) there's also the fact that only about half our blasts are likely to be genetically normal, so it could just be that the ones you've had put in so far (and mine too) were not "programmed" to take. If they're abnormal, you'll miscarry them and it will be absolutely nobody's fault.

[BarnacleBeasley]

My experience wasn't the same as yours, so I won't go into details, but I do want to reassure you that it's very normal not to be successful on the first or second transfer. It won't be anything you did, but there are all sorts of reasons why IVF doesn't work, including chance. This isn't a lesbian-specific website, but I found it really helpful for making sense of what was going on when my partner and I were going through the process: https://theduff.co.uk/

It might be worth considering whether conventional IVF would be an option for a second go - you might get more embryos and a lot of the process does just seem to be a numbers game.

Also, can you get any more sperm from the same donor? We bought sperm from the European Sperm Bank and our chosen donor was showing as 'sold out' online, but when I contacted them it was just that there were no more pregnancy slots available for the UK for that donor. They did still have some, and would have been happy to sell them to us if needed since we already had a pregnancy slot.

[Quickdraw23]

Hi @girljulian thank you very much for your reply. I’m sorry to hear of your two transfers so far! Thank you for your advice re the womb possibilities. It had occurred to me to ask about this at the next review, so I will do so better informed with what you have shared. I hope your next transfer goes well and you have a positive outcome 🤞🏼wishing you and your husband all the best.

hello @BarnacleBeasley thank you for your kind reply. My partner checked the ESB and found our donor had some straws available now which I didn’t see last time I checked so I have quickly bought one (will worry about the credit card later 😬). This has at least calmed my worry about running out.

thank you for the link - I did read a little on there about embryo grading back on the fresh cycle which was helpful, so I will look further on there. It is a very good site. I will read a bit more about conventional ivf as well. I was very sensitive to the stimulation so was kind of relieved I only did mild, but will try to be a bit better informed about the long protocol as well if I end up having to do another retrieval. Very best wishes to you x

[Sunriseandcoffee]

Hi!

Just wanted to say you’re not alone. I’m so sorry to read about your recent failed cycles.

My wife and I (s/s couple) did two rounds of IVF to make our son. We used 2 different clinics, incidentally. I’m pregnant with our second child now using a 6 year old frozen embryo from our second round of ivf. You are still young. My wife was 36 when we harvested her eggs. I’m 36 now and was 30 when pregnant last time.

It may not feel like it but it’s not over and you will get your little baby soon enough. If you want to chat about the ivf process (I know how isolating it felt), we could always pm.

[Quickdraw23]

Thank you @Sunriseandcoffee for your reply. Congratulations on your little boy and your current pregnancy. It sounds like it all worked out in the end, and pleased to hear you had a good outcome. So it was two egg retrievals you and your wife had to do to reach your first pregnancy? Do you mind if I ask were the two protocols very different?

i am feeling a little calmer now we’ve got some more sperm. I was worrying about having a child but then running out and potentially having to use a different donor when my partner comes to carry. It probably wouldn’t really matter within our family but what has been going on in Italy has really worried me. I had kind of got into my head that at least if the kids shared a donor if we lost legal rights like that no one would be able to say they weren’t related. It sounds a bit nuts when I write it down.

we’ve enough money saved to transfer the last embryo from this batch and if that’s no good it’ll have to be shelved til next year so we can save up/borrow again. I know that really we are in a very fortunate position, and I’m splitting hairs very prematurely.

I think it was a stat I read about 50% of eggs being abnormal but the time you are 30 that sent me into a bit of a spiral - it makes the whole gamble of ivf feel even more reckless!

[amoobaa]

Hey, hope you’re doing ok. It’s a rollercoaster isn’t it. I’m happy to chat if you have any questions or just want to vent! How are things going? we’ve had one successful pregnancy, using my eggs (I carried and our son was born in 2021. Unfortunately my wife was unable to create any blastocysts with her eggs after two rounds. She is older than me so like you guys she went first but in the end decided to pass the baton to me.

We’re now hoping to conceive our second child and again using my eggs. We had to do icsi due to sperm issues (we chose a known donor) and we also opted to test all our embryos.

I was surprised that the grading seemed to have little correlation to the genetic tests, in our case. For example we had some excellent graded blastocysts that turned out to be genetically abnormal and unviable for transfer, whilst a lower graded one was perfect! And worked…

Unfortunately I miscarried our only genetically viable embryo just before Christmas last year… which ended up being a life threatening emergency (I haemorrhaged) and because of the emergency surgery i had, our clinic now think I have adhesions in my uterus lining, preventing me from being able to prepare my lining (it won’t thicken enough for transfer to go ahead) so I’ve just had a cancelled cycle.

I have to have a hysteroscopy and possibly treatment for adhesions before my lining can be prepped for transfer.

To complicate things further, our one and only embryo is a mosaic embryo.

If you want to chat about any/ all of these things feel free to ask any questions.

I was 35 when I had our son. I’m 37 now.

Wishing you well in your journey.

[WiredArtisan]

Don't blame yourself for these failures. The reasons for IVF failures are diverse, and many of them are beyond your control. It's important to remain determined and continue your attempts. You still have one more embryo to try, which is good news.
Don't compare yourselves to other couples, as every case is unique, and IVF success can vary depending on many factors. It's reassuring that you found another sperm donor, which eased your concerns.
Remember that you're not alone, and there are various support communities and specialists who can assist you in this challenging journey. I'm here to answer your questions and provide support whenever you need it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and wish you the best of luck in your efforts.

Warm regards!

[Quickdraw23]

Thank you very much for your kind words. @amoobaa i am so sorry to hear of your health issues related to ivf, they sound very very testing. I hope you are doing ok! How are you getting on?

many thanks for the encouragement @WiredArtisan.

apologies for the late reply - I have had a long break from mumsnet to help clear my head a bit!

[girljulian]

Hey, just got notified that your thread has updated and wanted to let you know — I am now pregnant! Third time lucky!

[Quickdraw23]

Many congratulations @girljulian ! Delighted for you 😊 hopefully it will be third time lucky for me as well!

[Quickdraw23]

Hey folks, hope you’re all doing ok. Don’t know if anyone is still watching this thread but I’ve just found out my third transfer has failed. Obviously I’m gutted, it’s hard to fight the feeling that I’m doing something wrong.

it has been really helpful reading these posts back though, knowing that others had to do two retrievals, multiple etc. need to chat to the clinic about our next move, but will all be on hold for a bit til we save some more money.

thanks all

[Sorrento79]

I am sorry. You just need to keep going if that's what you want to do. I don't think there will be anything you are doing wrong x

[girljulian]

@Quickdraw23

Hey folks, hope you’re all doing ok. Don’t know if anyone is still watching this thread but I’ve just found out my third transfer has failed. Obviously I’m gutted, it’s hard to fight the feeling that I’m doing something wrong.

it has been really helpful reading these posts back though, knowing that others had to do two retrievals, multiple etc. need to chat to the clinic about our next move, but will all be on hold for a bit til we save some more money.

thanks all

Oh no, I’m so sorry. I’ve just had a miscarriage so in much the same boat now really (that was my third transfer).

[Quickdraw23]

So very sorry to hear of your miscarriage @girljulian i hope you are doing ok and finding comfort wherever you can.

this process is so frustrating. I don’t know how you feel, but all I want is for someone to explain why it’s not working but I know they can’t really!

very best wishes to you going forward x

[girljulian]

Thank you! Yeah, the thing is, I do obviously have some fertility issues but by the time most women get to this stage, they’ve tried the natural way for years; people have said things to try and be helpful, like “you’re actually more fertile after a miscarriage!” which is great but…I can’t just boff my husband every month and hope for the best! There is only the “spend huge amounts of money on it” option!

[Quickdraw23]

Yes that’s exactly it! “We don’t really know if this will work, but you’re welcome to spend thousands of pounds finding out.” I’ve never “tested” my reproductive system, having always been in a same sex relationship, so it’s obviously impossible to know whether I’d have struggled or not.

we decided to skip IUI and go straight to the IVF, thinking that if we were going to spend so much money we should pick the treatment most likely to work, and it hasnt. I seem to be surrounded by women who have had a baby after 1-4 rounds of IUI as well, which has me doubting our choices!

[Sorrento79]

It's just not working because it usually doesn't work. Each individual transfer is more likely to fail than succeed. if you add up enough attempts you may get there, but it's not simple maths.
People are very keen to tell you about their first time luck etc but it's not really the norm. Me, i had 14 transfer from 4 cycles over 5 years. It was awful. I'm now 30 weeks pregnant but honestly couldn't have picked myself up to go again. I also hate telling people the numbers because it feels like either a failure or obsession on my part and i feel reflects badly on me in some sort of embarrassing way.
very good luck to you all

[Sorrento79]

(What I mean to say is you hear biased stories from 'winners' in the process only)

[Quickdraw23]

@Sorrento79 thanks very much for sharing your story, it really is appreciated. You’re right, you are going to hear more from people who succeed. Very best wishes to you and the safe arrival of your baby.

[girljulian]

@Sorrento79

(What I mean to say is you hear biased stories from 'winners' in the process only)

I think this is true online in a wider context but it isn’t really true when you’re in a queer world where most people don’t have any fertility issues. Of my friends:

Couple 1 had two IUIs for first baby and then other partner took only one IUI for second

Friend 2 took two transfers

Friend 3 took one transfer

Friend 4 took one transfer

Friend 5 took one transfer

these are all women in their mid thirties, so, yeah, I feel disconsolate and so does OP, I’m sure.

[Quickdraw23]

@girljulian hope you are holding up ok?

Yes I have similar situation with my friends:

friend 1 - one iui for her first baby aged 35, recently had a second baby, unsure how many iuis this time but the kids are 2 years apart so won’t have been that many

friend 2- 4 IUIs for baby aged 38, successful one was medicated

friend 3 - 2 ivf transfers aged 33, first sadly ended in miscarriage, second successful

acquaintance 1 - 1 transfer aged about 27/28

we have to decide what to do next really. The clinic have suggested trying again with a more tailored approach (I did a mild “basic” cycle this time.) I feel like it wouldn’t be sensible to do another round without testing, but then what to test?! 😩

[PsychologyGeek]

Hi all, I was wondering how everyone was getting on with their treatment?

My partner and I have just gone through our first round of private IVF. Sadly, it was unsuccessful. We were really hopeful as I seemed to respond well to the meds (on a mild protocol) and ended up with 5 fertilised eggs, but none made it to the blastocyst stage. I had a 3 day embryo transferred but sadly it didn’t stick. I was so shocked and disappointed to not get any blastocysts at all and it’s really worried me for the future. I’m 38 so worried my age might be a big contributing factor here.

Would love to hear how others are getting on. I’m finding it really hard to find anyone else in similar situation to chat with and don’t really have many friends in a similar boat.

[Sorrento79]

Hi there. We are at the other end, currently 35 weeks after a lot of failures. literally many. I was 40 when we started trying and then covid etc etc.
i think it's really hard to find someone to talk it all over. Those with kids, what can they say, those still trying want to keep hopeful, and those who have stopped or never wanted to try might just want to keep their equilibrium about it all and not keep mulling it over?
anyway, i am happy to talk it over with you if that helps at all!

[amoobaa]

Hey, I replied ages ago and realise I never hit post… I wanted to say I’m also 38 and just miscarried a second time. We successfully had our son who is almost three now, via FET and are now trying for a sibling.

Our issue is our donor sperm. We have a known donor and we prioritised that over sperm quality. So that is what is causing us to struggle.

we have to use ICSI. With such a low fertilisation rate (mine has been the same) and the embryos stopping growing normally at around day three, the clinic are saying it is most likely due to sperm issues.

We are trying again as soon as I get my period following this miscarriage and we are using a different known donor.

It’s so hard to find anyone to talk to who is in the same situation so very happy to talk if you want to compare notes or just rant!

So sorry for your loss. We have been doing IVF for over three years and it’s an incredibly stressful rollercoaster x

[Pumpy001]

I'm a lone parent and went through iui,it was successful 2/3 times at the age of 40/41.

Embryo quality prior to pgs testing is just measured on the exterior look and you don't know if the embryo is amyloid or eupliod until a biopsy is taken.