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Married woman realising that she is a lesbian- support group or friends needed

27 replies

lavendervision · 05/05/2012 22:37

I am married in an heterosexual realtionship (not active for a long time). For years I have been pushing aside my feelings for women and I am now in a position where I cannot ignore it anymore. I seem to fall in love endlessly, I have to work hard at hidding it and not doing anything about it...then I am left to deal with the heartbreak. I feel a bit like the only gay in the village and would like to meet other mums in my situation. My husband does not know about it, we spoke about separting but he said it would be an open war if I choose to leave, so for now my best option is to stay.
Any support group or places in Lancashire/ merseyside where I can find other mums like me?

OP posts:
YakkaSkink · 05/05/2012 22:50

Hi lavendervision, sorry no practical advice on what's on in the NW as I'm at the wrong end of the country, but I was wondering why your H is issuing threats to make you stay? Congrats on coming out on here anyway!

lavendervision · 05/05/2012 23:01

Thanks for your interest YakkaSkink. I am unwanted on gay websites being married, feel isolated in the heterosexual world and would like so much to open up about this. For DH our marriage has been lovely and he thinks I am just going through a phase of loss of libido, otherwise his needs have been pretty much met and he is still in love with me. So he is angry that I would be destroying what we have built and putting the kids through a divorce. What about yourself?

OP posts:
YakkaSkink · 06/05/2012 09:58

It sounds as though some counselling to see if you can get your H to understand where you are and look constructively at the situation might be worthwhile? Him just pretending that it's how he wants it to be will make you feel trapped and crazy so you will have an awful time trying to keep it up.

I haven't done much better than you in finding informal support, though I did find that the local LGBT organisation were great, nothing onging - if you're near enough maybe some voluntary work? I am a single parent but as I don't identify as lesbian and it's a bit of a closed shop; I identify as queer though I'm more likely to date women (or in fact anyone I like and fancy) there aren't any formal groups round here, just a cliquey pub/ club scene in which you really do have to be a very orthodox lesbian and have nothing to do with men to be accepted. I did try to look more obviously gay for a bit to see if that helped me just meet people out and about but tbh you can look as dykey as you like but with a child in tow, everyone think's you're straight so you have to find other ways of getting to know people and bypassing gaydar altogether.

There are younger people who seem to be on the same wavelength as me and some in the big cities, but not many who are fortyish, have kids and live in the sticks! In terms of friends, I didn't have friends who were homophobic the first place, though I did find coming out difficult (my mum still thinks I was making a special exception to being hetero for my last gf) though I'd definitely recommend it - hard for your husband to pretend your orientation isn't real if everyone knows about it! I've met new friends though online dating but it's taken time, though there are people in the same boat out there I've found it best to be honest and just get to know people one at a time.

lavendervision · 06/05/2012 21:02

Yakka stink I am really glad to hear you. I can see that I am not the only one finding it hard to belong. It sounds like a wealth of life experience...thanks for sharing this with me! Your welcomed to drop me a line anytime!

OP posts:
YakkaSkink · 07/05/2012 09:30

Hi lavendervision, I noticed from your other posts that you haven't told your husband yet, sorry, I was jumping ahead. Even if he's going to stick his head straight in the sand it would be a good first step and then once he's taken it on board have a think together about the way forward. Try to be careful not to get involved with anyone until/ unless you're in a position to do so but being honest about your situation will do that for you in lesbian circles - people should be friendlier if they know you just want friendship or try to find broader lgbt support groups, they're less cliquey and there are fewer people there worried about having their own feelings hurt.

I'd come out to family and real friends as soon as you feel strong enough as it's hugely liberating, but advise some caution about coming out to parents of children your DCs are friends with - the sort you otherwise don't have that much in common with - just because of the effect it can have on your DCs if it becomes gossip. Possibly guage their reaction by talking about a 'friend' in a similar situation or a news story - most people are actually fine but I've trodden carefully as I've heard one or two stories of DCs being bullied. I ended up talking directly to one or two opinon-formers over coffee so that they had the satisfaction of 'knowing all about it' and still being friends with me when people started to talk. For everyone else I went for a stealth approach by just putting it in the 'about me' bit on Facebook but blocking the change from going into the news feed so it's as if everybody, everybody knows already and it's no big deal. So far so good.

lavendervision · 18/05/2012 12:18

Hi, just an update, thinks have moved on so much since last time we spoke! I came out to my husband in relationship counselling. His first reaction was: "goodie, can I watch?!" but that's men! Then in the evening he was furious, his pride was attacked, how dared I? The following day, we spoke about divorcing, could not compromise! So I am moving out soon to start my new life; tough but exciting! xx

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 22/05/2012 15:45

Hi LV- just passing through but saw this & couldn't not post.

have you found the Ask Joanne website or happy coincedence on the name?

Lavender Visions

Pm me if you want to chat-see the Late Bloomers thread for a bit of my background.

back later!

NiceAndAccurate · 28/05/2012 11:04


I too was married, but my exH knew I was also attracted to women. We have a child (now nearly 7). We split up long before I met my GF, but I understand what you mean about not feeling like you belong to any particular 'group'. My GF has moved up to Scotland from down London way, so she has no contact with the LGBT community up here either. She's looking at volunteering with a local charity to both pay something forward and to get to know some more LGBT people.

Well done you on standing up to your husband and allowing yourself to be free. I truly hope this is the start of something very exciting for you!

MyelinSheath · 10/07/2012 19:24

Just found this thread. I've been through similar. Check out the Turning Tavern threads. We're onto TT4 now. It's a series of threads for women finding themselves attracted to women. My surmised story is on the latest one. You're not alone.

hoobajoob · 05/09/2012 10:08

Lavender Visions is a great website exactly for women in straight relationships who are/have/want to come out or just want a space to air their thoughts. There is a great book which helped me too by the owner of the Lavender Visions site 'Married to a man, in love with a woman' or something along those lines. It was so great to read something that understood my feelings, my position, the difficulties and the experiences of others. It's also good for new partners (same sex) and the old partners (straight) to read if they want to understand and support you better.

Good Luck and well done on the journey you've made so far. I'm 2 years into my journey, and I've never been happier!

MoelFammau · 11/09/2012 23:05

Feel free to PM me - I'm in the sane situation and it's tough as tough can be. I'm in Scotland and would love to make some friends amongst people going through the same thing. It can be such an isolating place to be.

Positive vibes to all of you.

tradewind · 20/09/2012 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tradewind · 20/09/2012 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Victoria1971 · 19/03/2013 05:18

Hello ladies, in desparate need to talk to anyone who has gone thru this n come out the other side, alive....... Am just outa a heterosexual relationship of 11 yrs, I have two young kids n am now in a relationship with my female friend, but have had a hell of a time getting here, and some friends of over 30yrs have treated me appalling. Just need some survival tips. Plus any contacts in Manchester would be helpful.......feel rather lonely! Vick xx

FaceLikeAPickledOnion · 19/03/2013 06:00

Hi victoria, I know a great bunch of girls, bi and lesbian, that regularly meet in Manchester. We all met on perhaps you could join as a member, get to know other posters, get some great advice and find some new friends. Good luck.

FaceLikeAPickledOnion · 19/03/2013 06:06

Here Victoria

There is a meet up's thread, but I think you need 20 or so posts to access it.

I haven't been on that site for aaaaaaages, but there used to be loads of regular posters from Manchester.

LotusinaDesert · 24/03/2013 21:53

Hi all. Just came across this website & thread. I am asian and married with 2 kids. Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship with a woman for just over 2 years who cheated on me. It turns out that my husband is asexual and I guess I would define myself as bisexual. I have tried to meet other gay and bi women but it appears that when you are married, have kids and are not 'OUT', no-one in the gay community wants to touch you with a barge pole. Nor does the straight community understand and currently I don't wish to be 'out' to the world as I work in a school though I am out to my family.

The irony is that some people (both straight and gay) have a perception that if you are Bi then you are having regular sex with a least someone or are on the prowl for sex and yet this so not the case for me. I have only ever had 2 relationships in my life. One with a woman and this one ( if you can call it a realtionship).

Anyway, I look on what I have and not what I want. I have 2 amazing children, a nice house and a car. And yes I do think that the material stuff is important for me and for my children. I go to the gym about 4 times a week and because my husband is asexual he hasn't pursued me for sex since we got together. He knows about my past and knows that I am bisexual.

Yes, I miss that intimacy and on most ocassions desperately crave for it but right now there doesn't appear to be a solution that I can deal with. I don't particulary want to be bi and often wish I was gay or straight but these are the cards that I have been dealt with and I have to play them... Hence the reason that I feel like a Lotus in a Desert! Manchester, England.

KarateChopper · 14/04/2013 10:16

I have recently started a social networking website for LGBT parents to make it easier for us to meet other like-minded people (we are currently trying to change the name of the website to reflect the inclusive nature of the group) Pop a long and have a look - it's free :-)

staceyo9 · 22/04/2013 21:11

I was in a 14 year heterosexual relationship and ended my marriage to be with my best friend. Things were hard for a while before the marriage ended as I was so scared to step into the unknown.

If anyone wants to chat please PM me. I knows how difficult it is to dive into something so new but if you know deep down it is what you want then there is nothing to be scared of.

sussexmum38 · 01/05/2013 09:16

This thread has struck a real chord with me. Married with kids but have a growing need to have a physical and loving bi relationship. I am scared as to know where to start and the effect on my marriage. But I know this is what I have to experience.

I will try and sign to the suggested sites

newtoeverything · 04/05/2013 22:40

Hello, I find myself in the same situation. Over 40, married and with a small child. Suddenly I have this urge to be intimate with a woman after my whole life believing myself to be straight. I live in London and it'll be great if I could chat to someone about it. Like the others, I feel really isolated

Kentmum41 · 10/05/2013 20:15

I'm 41, married for over 12 years, 2 children, live in London too and last year I acted on my feelings for women after years of trying to convince myself I was straight. If you want to chat drop me a message. I felt really isolated too so know what you are feeling at the moment. M :)

Corkyandviolet · 15/05/2013 21:15

Hi, I'm 40 years old, my partner and I have 2 young children. I also feel isolated with my feelings, didn't realise there were quite so many of us! I live in London as well, if anyone meets up to talk, can I join you?

Monitors · 20/05/2013 23:04

Hi Londoners, I'm in the same situation. Married (10 years) with 2 young kids, and would love to meet and chat. Had relationships with women before getting married and thought it's a matter of the past but realizing slowly that it isn't. Shall we organize a meeting in a pub somewhere in London? I'm in north London.

Corkyandviolet · 26/05/2013 22:49

Sorry Monitors, I didn't look at this page for a few days! I am up for that, we could meet in First Out if we have other Londoners join us. Now for the hard bit... When is everyone free?!

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