Help son adjust to sister becoming a boy

[Genchange]

I am using actual sex and pronouns for simplicity.
a few years ago DD became involved with a (I thought) very nice person (girl ) that’s taken puberty blockers and testosterone. DD was trans and left home to live with them, but went no contact with us.
DH recently asked if DS would get in touch so we could maybe go out as a family - hopefully an olive branch.
DS got a really nasty text back - he showed us part of it - by saying we are missing her we are trying to guilt her. we are awful and she is so much better without us. It’s the same rhetoric that she was using 2 years ago.
The text continued with his reply but we haven’t seen all of that, just a bit where DS was sticking up for us .
Personally I’m hoping she’s just doing her thing and is happy and will get in touch one day. I can’t believe she’s gone forever, like she’s died but there’s no closure.
But my main concern is with DS he seems to be very down since the text, he doesn’t talk much anyway, but he closes up if I try and mention his sister. I get muddled with my words with the fear of saying the wrong thing or pronoun etc. so I don’t know how to chat about it, I’m thinking it would be helpful to talk about her - at the moment everything is tainted by her absence, and no it’s NOT the same as her going to college, which we’ve been told.
He is off to college in September. I’m terrified he will go no contact too, as I just don’t know how to address this.
I am probably being kakhanded and naive, but I’m so sorry to see him struggling.
any tips on how to help DS very gratefully received.

You don't need to explain it to him - he knows.

It was really inappropriate and unfair of your H to pull your DS into the middle of this. I'm not surprised he's quiet - being emotionally blackmailed by your H.

Absolutely this!! Leave the poor boy alone, appreciate HIM and help him realise that he actually matters and that he's not just someone you use as a means for contacting his sister, talking to about his sister and how important she is. Everything still seems to STILL revolve around her.

Thank you. It’s kind of what I think. I am very conscious that it’s not all about her. But it seems equally odd not to mention her at all. this has made it all very painful again.
I am very aware DS is in his room putting off studying, and being bored. He doesn’t want to go anywhere with me, well he is 17.
I pop in for little daft chat, what do you want for tea occasionally, but this has made me tongue tied, and I’ve mentally gone back months. If he’s slightly bored or down looking I get super anxious. Massive guilt at letting him down, like I let her down.
Doesn’t help that elderly FIL is staying until he gets a new home set up.
bugger, fighting depression again. Thank you

Just posting to send sympathy. I’ve followed your story for a long time. I don’t think there is much you can do at this point apart from show your son you love him. Agree with other posters, it’s not appropriate for him to become a go-between. You mention your DH has therapy, I wonder if you can access some too? I am going thru the same thing with my DD, it is utterly heartbreaking and very lonely. Please remember to take care of yourself.

kinfauns thank you for that. I can’t believe you, and some of the pps remember the story.
Im really, really sorry you are going through the same thing. You are right about the loneliness. - and all the other conflicting emotions.
I agree with you and the other posters, tonight I mentioned DD for the last time to DS, just to say does he ever want to chat, I’m here. He changed the subject, I said, I’m sorry, I get tongue tied and lose confidence about how to chat about stuff and he said,’can I have a sandwich’ I said,’the breads there,make your own, I haven’t lost that much confidence!’ Which he laughed at so that was nice.
Thank you all for your support when I have the occasional wobble.
My hope is that DD is happy, and one day I’ll get to find out all about the amazing person she’s become.
Good luck to everyone else going through the same thing.

Yes I remember this too from a while ago.

I hope your daughter is OK, I remember from your last thread that you thought she might be in a coercive relationship.

I don't think you can force your son to believe your daughter is male because she isn't.

I am sorry your family is still going through this.

Thanks lifeturnsonadime
I wouldnt dream of forcing my son to believe she’s become a boy, like you say, she can’t.
I do want to understand what he thinks is going on - I’m wary of his sister presenting one side only. I’d love to know what she thinks is going on too.
thank you

How old is your son OP? He's gone through a trauma. He's lost his sister to all extent and purposes.

I think the first response to this thread was a good one. Your son could do with some support. Bayswater which was linked in the second post might offer some ideas for sibling support.

Thank you, life he was 151/2 he’s now 17. I am wondering about therapy - how to find, and how to broach. I’ll check out bayswater, thank you for the link.

He sounds like a fairly normal 17 year old with the lack of motivation and not wanting to go out with his mum.
Maybe he has got normal teenage boy angst but you keep assuming and unconsciously projecting onto him that it is all about his sister when to him it really isn’t?

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you and your DH.

Thanks for that magpiepi I think and hope you are probably right. I am probably carrying too much anxiety and should just chill out. I’m just terrified of losing him and that’s obviously probably going to help me lose him
thank you, for the post! You’ve spurred me into action, no point drooping around.

So sorry for all you are going through Gen. and yes, focus on your son and your relationship with him. What does he like doing? What would tempt him out with mum? Hope things improve xx

thanks igmum can’t tell you guys how lovely it is to get a supportive post. Mumsnetters truly is amazing.
looks like I’ll have to learn chess - and Minecraft.
he really doesn’t want to go anywhere with me - mind you all I’m offering is mend bikes and ride/ cake/ tesco. Not sure I want to do any of that either! There’s a new fancy cinema nearby, maybe I can tempt him with that.
Actually nervous at taking him away for a weekend in case it’s pants.

When he speaks about his sister does he say she or he? I wonder whether he would be happier just accepting the change in order to keep his relationship with her.

Good point, healthy I’ve asked him what he calls her and he shrugs. It’s another thing that gets me all tongue tied. I’m happy to call her by her new name and pronouns, maybe I should just refer to her with those - maybe by not using them I’m coming across as not being supportive of her and therefore causing him all sorts of problems with whether we are supportive, trustworthy parents, maybe by using them it makes him feel she’s more isolated from the family.

It’s wierd how you would think calling your child by a new name and pronouns would be easy, it’s taken me by suprise at how confusing it is.

Your son doesnt have to adjust to his sister becoming a boy because she is not a boy. If he wishes to maintain a relationship with her he can pretend she is but he might prefer not to. It should be his choice and both you and your husband should back off and let him decide for himself.

Your husband should apologise to your son for putting him in that position but both of you need to stop making everything about his sister.

Thanks anyold we really don’t refer to his sister at all. Maybe once every few months. I feel it would be odd to never mention her, but obviously I don’t want him to feel pressure, like he has to be the ‘good’ one, or, I don’t know, a million things he could be thinking.
im not mentioning her at all for a long time, if ever. It’s too painful.