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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

Help son adjust to sister becoming a boy

42 replies

Genchange · 12/04/2025 13:36

I am using actual sex and pronouns for simplicity.
a few years ago DD became involved with a (I thought) very nice person (girl ) that’s taken puberty blockers and testosterone. DD was trans and left home to live with them, but went no contact with us.
DH recently asked if DS would get in touch so we could maybe go out as a family - hopefully an olive branch.
DS got a really nasty text back - he showed us part of it - by saying we are missing her we are trying to guilt her. we are awful and she is so much better without us. It’s the same rhetoric that she was using 2 years ago.
The text continued with his reply but we haven’t seen all of that, just a bit where DS was sticking up for us .
Personally I’m hoping she’s just doing her thing and is happy and will get in touch one day. I can’t believe she’s gone forever, like she’s died but there’s no closure.
But my main concern is with DS he seems to be very down since the text, he doesn’t talk much anyway, but he closes up if I try and mention his sister. I get muddled with my words with the fear of saying the wrong thing or pronoun etc. so I don’t know how to chat about it, I’m thinking it would be helpful to talk about her - at the moment everything is tainted by her absence, and no it’s NOT the same as her going to college, which we’ve been told.
He is off to college in September. I’m terrified he will go no contact too, as I just don’t know how to address this.
I am probably being kakhanded and naive, but I’m so sorry to see him struggling.
any tips on how to help DS very gratefully received.

OP posts:
menopausalfart · 12/04/2025 13:40

What happened to make her go NC? Just wondering if DS blames you for this.

FKAT · 12/04/2025 13:45

Don't have experience of this situation but friends who have found a lot of support with Bayswater https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Whatever route, I would suggest family therapy.

CaptainFuture · 12/04/2025 13:46

Probably NC because you've not totally capitulated to the amazing superiority and general 'considerably better than you' belief of your elder DC?
It's a theme for such situations where everything they say and do is correct and righteous. Must be allowed to do/say/act how they want, but are of course so vulnerable and fragile anyone blinking the wrong ways is causing literal harm.
I'm bored and done with the level of self importance of such people.
Protect your son, don't pander to and walk on egg shells around your other child. Ensure they know you will always love them, but they don't control the family.

hyd · 12/04/2025 13:51

What happened to make her go no contact?

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 12/04/2025 14:04

You seem to have skipped over a lot of the story here. What actually led to the breakdown in relationship.

Also I would be furious at your dh for putting your ds as a go between in a very tricky family situation. No wonder the poor lad is quiet. I would start with an apology to him tbh.

As for talking about his sibling, let him lead that, and follow his lead.

singlewhitetrashheap · 12/04/2025 14:05

Drip feed.

BoeotianNightmare · 12/04/2025 14:12

I'm not picking up how old your DD and DS are? The story doesn't really match your title, I'm unclear where your DD identifying as trans fits in with the going no contact or with DS's feelings.

It sounds a heartbreaking situation.

Could it be that something DD said in the other part of the text to DS(the bit you didn't see) has upset him?
Totally agree with a PP that DS should not be put in the position of go between.
Are you openly discussing whats happened with DS?.you're going to have to pick a name and pronoun for DD and stick to it for your discussions with him, whatever he uses for her maybe?
It would be dreadful if you lost him too.

saraclara · 12/04/2025 14:13

You need to apologise to him wholeheartedly for putting him in that position. He was the one who had to field that horrible text, and who knows what she said to him after the part you read.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/04/2025 14:14

saraclara · 12/04/2025 14:13

You need to apologise to him wholeheartedly for putting him in that position. He was the one who had to field that horrible text, and who knows what she said to him after the part you read.

Why does the OP need to apologise? It was her husband who instigated it.

saraclara · 12/04/2025 14:16

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/04/2025 14:14

Why does the OP need to apologise? It was her husband who instigated it.

Show quote history

Sorry, I must have skimmed the OP. But yes, whoever asked him to do that needs to fully apologise. In this case, the DH, if he acted unilaterally. If they discussed it beforehand, and OP agreed to the plan, then both need to apologise.

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2025 14:20

Maybe just ask him how he's feeling and don't ask him to talk about anyone else on their behalf.

Just use their preferred name and pronouns. If you want to rebuild a relationship it's never going to happen if you don't shift.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/04/2025 14:30

This has been going on for a long time and I expect he is sick of it dominating your lives. Let her go and let him be himself. Your DH should not have asked him to contact her. He is being put in the middle of the drama but none of it is about him.

He is the one that is there. Focus on him and don't mention her at all. One way or another, he will find his own relationship with her in time but that is their business. Enjoy your son. Celebrate him. Have fun with him and focus on the here and now. The people that really care about you are the ones that are around you now. Don't waste this time with him making it all about her.

TeenToTwenties · 12/04/2025 14:52

WallaceinAnderland · 12/04/2025 14:30

This has been going on for a long time and I expect he is sick of it dominating your lives. Let her go and let him be himself. Your DH should not have asked him to contact her. He is being put in the middle of the drama but none of it is about him.

He is the one that is there. Focus on him and don't mention her at all. One way or another, he will find his own relationship with her in time but that is their business. Enjoy your son. Celebrate him. Have fun with him and focus on the here and now. The people that really care about you are the ones that are around you now. Don't waste this time with him making it all about her.

I agree with this.

You have posted about this on and off before. I think you have to let go. Your DD has made her choices and is doing her own thing. You just need to leave her be, with maybe an occasional neutral message.
Support your DS. Acknowledge his upset. Maybe get counselling for him. But he can't control his sister.

We are in a similar but different position with DD1. It is hard, but they make their own choices to withdraw, and write their own narratives.

EmpressaurusKitty · 12/04/2025 14:53

FKAT · 12/04/2025 13:45

Don't have experience of this situation but friends who have found a lot of support with Bayswater https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Whatever route, I would suggest family therapy.

They might well also be able to support your DS, or signpost you in the right direction.

Coconutter24 · 12/04/2025 15:00

Why did she go NC in the first place with you all? It was very unfair of your DH to ask your DS to text and ask about meeting. Your DH could have sent a message from son’s phone saying it’s dad…. And whatever else he wanted to say.

TeenToTwenties · 12/04/2025 15:03

Coconutter24 · 12/04/2025 15:00

Why did she go NC in the first place with you all? It was very unfair of your DH to ask your DS to text and ask about meeting. Your DH could have sent a message from son’s phone saying it’s dad…. And whatever else he wanted to say.

Iirc the backstory is the girlfriend and family are very controlling/ brainwashing. No response from the OP was considered good enough.

Ineedascooter · 12/04/2025 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sandylittleknees · 12/04/2025 15:55

I remember the backstory to this and also remember feeling very sorry for op. The daughter was in what sounded like a coercive relationship.

Orangemintcream · 12/04/2025 16:03

I think I might remember you - have you posted before about this ?

People without the backstory might be making assumptions if so.

Orangemintcream · 12/04/2025 16:04

Sandylittleknees · 12/04/2025 15:55

I remember the backstory to this and also remember feeling very sorry for op. The daughter was in what sounded like a coercive relationship.

Cross posted.

Yes it seems the girlfriend was very very manipulative and isolated the DD.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/04/2025 16:21

The back story is that the girlfriend turned DD against her family and DD has since had very low to no contact with the family. OP is devastated, her DH keeps putting pressure on OP to 'fix' it. All the advice to OP has been to let the rope go slack and focus on her son.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/04/2025 16:51

I think I remember your previous thread too, OP. Your DD’s girlfriend or however she identifies herself is absolute poison. It sounds like you’ll make no headway with your DD until she sees the light for herself when this girl shows her true colours. Hopefully, this girl will meet another ‘victim’, let your DD go, and then the new ‘victim’ will dump Poison Girl.

Anyway, if it were me, I’d send a brief reply from you and DH, saying that you do all miss her and that her interpretation of saying that as trying to guilt her is silly. Stress you love her and will always be there for her, then leave it. Her bubble will burst soon.

Apologise to your son for putting him in the firing line and never ask him to do that again. Explain that his sister is going through a ‘moment of madness’ (can’t think of a good way to phrase it), that it’s not really her, and that you all must move on with your lives, doing things you enjoy, until she’s ready to come back to you. Stress it’s not his or your fault in any way.

Original poster
Genchange · 13/04/2025 10:44

Thank you all. Once again mumsnet comes up with amazing support.
You are right, I have posted before - don’t want to rehash it all in the interest of brevity!
On the whole as you suggest, we are focusing on DS. At Anniversaries etc, we miss her so much - I’d just like to get to know the new her. we accept her choices, and are upset we’ve been judged with no opportunity to chat.
DH chats it through with his therapist who suggests letting son know about relationships and how they can be controlling, and explaining cults, but letting him decide what his view is ( obviously) I have no idea how to broach this topic.
DH therapist suggested this article might help. I’m tempted to not wade in. He closes down completely if his sister is mentioned. I apologised for getting him involved and get very tongue tied in case I say the wrong thing . He just shrugged. Anyway here’s the article, should we show him? Any other articles/ sound bites to explain it all simply and unbiasedly? Thank you for your help fairerdisputations.org/estrangement/

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 13/04/2025 15:06

Anyway here’s the article, should we show him? Any other articles/ sound bites to explain it all simply and unbiasedly?

No! Leave the poor boy alone. He's already got the message. How many years has this been going on now? He knows, you don't have to keep going on about it. No wonder he just shrugs. Please, please just drop the whole subject when you are around him or you really are in danger of losing him too.

TeenToTwenties · 13/04/2025 15:32

WallaceinAnderland · 13/04/2025 15:06

Anyway here’s the article, should we show him? Any other articles/ sound bites to explain it all simply and unbiasedly?

No! Leave the poor boy alone. He's already got the message. How many years has this been going on now? He knows, you don't have to keep going on about it. No wonder he just shrugs. Please, please just drop the whole subject when you are around him or you really are in danger of losing him too.

I tend to agree. If he shuts down it shows he doesn't want to / isn't ready to discuss it. Focus on your DS who is with you and who wants to be with you. Be kind to yourself.