Discovered my teen 17 yr old son is Gay but he doesn't know I know

[LKA123]

Hoping someone has been in my situation really. I overheard a conversation my son had with a young male which was pretty intimate. We are in a small cottage and I heard it from the bathroom. To be honest, I think he had loud speaker on the phone so not sure if he knew or not. Anyhow, the conversation led me to believe he was at the very least bi. As a parent, it is of course a shock. I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV. It is of course a heavy burden of worry but I know it doesn't change how I feel about him and that I want him to be happy and healthy.

Today, I came across further evidence that would most assuredly place him fully gay. He seems to be using ChatGPT as a therapist and confidant. He's also been researching anxiety. Finding this out certainly answers a lot of questions. He quit secondary school halfway through year 7 with extreme anxiety, refusing to go back. Despite cajoling him and being strict (he didn't have access to electronics for 3 months), he never went back and we homeschooled him. Thankfully he started college last September and I believe he is turning his life around. However, he goes through periods of being completely withdrawn from us. Doesn't want to speak to us, completely rude and disrepectful and this last two weeks refuses to eat with us. We've asked what it is we've done wrong but he doesn't want to talk to us.

Finding out what I found it certainly answers a lot of questions so I really want to know how to handle this. I've read that I shouldn't ask him outright as he's likely to deny it, plus apparently it should always be the person coming back and not me forcing it. However, I really want him to know I would be okay with all this and I really want him to know I can help him. I spoke this morning with him whilst he was still in bed and reiterated how I'm here for him, I love him and care about it regardless of what's going on so I do say all the right things. Is it just a question of just sitting back and waiting? Also, I'm unsure whether to tell my partner (his dad). Whilst I'm 99% sure he'll be fine with it all although I think it would be super hard for him. I'm not sure he can be discreet and not let on we know. It's been a week or so of me knowing so I've had chance to process it all but just not sure how my partner would handle it all.

Any advice from an experienced parent of an LGBT teen would be most gratefully received!

Apologies for the length. As a typist I tend to whaffle!
Thank you.

Absolutely

As a mum of a gay DD I knew for ages before she told me. It was hard because I wanted to tell her I knew, I loved her and was happy for her. But I also knew if I pushed it she would withdraw from me and probably tell me less! So I sat on my hands-kept my mouth closed and waited. And she told me herself when she was ready. She now has a GF and it’s all good. I worried about homophobia for her too. We all want our children’s lives to be as easy as possible.But the circles she moves in are far more open and diverse than mine were at her age and she has a good mix of friends. Sexuality doesn’t seem to be a big deal for them at all! Give him space and time.

I used to think I wouldn't want my child to be gay as I thought the world was a hard place to be if they were. Then one told me they were gay and the next day another said they were bi. I just said okay. I wasn't surprised. One hadn't told me as they thought I knew and I said I thought they might be.

What I realised is the world is a different place to when I grew up. In a foster home with a homophobic parent and when the scary AIDS adverts were on the TV.

These are my children and I'll love them forever. Their ND didn't change how I care for them, this won't either.

Their dad doesn't know as he's shown himself to be a terrible husband and inadequate father.

Tone down the bossy posts @LKA123 . People will post what they want. If it's a personal attack report it if you want but you can't dictate what people say.

Honestly there’s nothing you need to say. He will come out if and when he wants to. At 17 you’re still exploring and working things out for yourself, he may not be sure about his sexuality yet or feel that coming out to you would be helpful. For me I wanted to have sexual experiences first to be 100% certain before I came out to family (sorry might not be what you want to hear!)

I get where you are coming from. No one wants their child to face hardship and prejudice, but it exists. Yes, the situation is a lot better than fifty years ago, and being gay doesn’t define who you are, but there are still bigots there. How many premiership footballers have come out as gay, certain countries don’t accept homosexually etc.

In answer to your question, you don’t say anything. But be there for when he wants to talk and listen (even if the subject bores you). Be supportive of gay people you see on tv but don’t make a big thing about it. Basically, carry on as normal, in a supportive way.

OP your son shouldn't be engaging in intimate electronic communications until he reaches the age of 18 years. You should remind him of the law and tell him not to do such a thing.

When your son turns 18, he will be able to go and live his own life, probably better off away from the judgement of yourself and your husband. As an adult, his sexuality or whatever you think it to be, will be none of your business and he'd be quite within his rights to cut the pair of you out of his life.

My son is 20 ,he told us last year that he is gay. We had a good idea already and I did worry because I do think that life will be harder for him. He is our only child and I do wish that he had siblings to lean on in the future.

There is so much homophobia even in London where we live.I actually think things have gone backwards in recent years in some way. He attends an Ivy League university in the US and is surrounded by a wonderful group of friends but I do worry about his future. I think university is a bubble and life in the outside world will be quite different. He is an incredible young man ( in my humble opinion).

An acquaintance approached me recently and told me how sorry she was for us. She followed on with she could always tell and how she was so glad she was that her son (who is the age as mind) has a girlfriend who regularly stays over. She finished up by telling me that life for her is all about family.

I am ashamed to say that I went home and cried. The menopause probably played a part in that. 😞

This jumped out at me too.

Perhaps your son is aware of your views? Perhaps this has coloured HIS view of you?

My son is 17 and came out to me about 18 months ago although it was very obvious from a young age. My brother is gay and 2 of my cousins. We also have next door neighbours who are gay and my DH's boss. Taking all this into consideration my son still hasn't come out to his dad - my DH is not homophobic but he will find it hard when he knows that his own son is gay. He will deal with it but it doesn't mean he will find it easy and I think all these people saying you are homophobic if you find it a little hard to expect at the beginning are not actually being true to themselves. My dad was distraught when my brother came out and my mum even more so as it was the early 90's when AIDS was still a big thing in the news. My dad and my brother are really close now.

I completely get where you are coming from OP and it is OK to have all these feelings.

My brother said to me many years ago when we were discussing that I thought my son could be gay was don't pretend you are 100 per cent ok with it because no parent is 100% ok with it as no parent wants their child to face prejudice. In his experience with all his gay friends the ones who have better relationships with their parents are the ones who had parents who initially found it hard as their parents wanted to learn how to support them - those whose parents were totally accepting from the beginning had no questions and think they are so open to everything they find it hard to support them as sometimes what they thought as the actual gay normal is very different.

Also your comment about "no parent wants their child to be gay" I agree with. I knew there was a high chance my son was gay but I would have preferred him to be straight because lets face it straight people in do not suffer the prejudice for being straight.

Sometimes people hide behind all this wokeness and want the world to see and think they are OK with everything so please don't stress you are allowed to have these negative feelings - just make sure that you give your son love and understanding and slowly these negative feelings will turn into positive.

So there is a huge blessing in this as you are one of few parents who get the chance to really get your reaction right when he tells you. Use this time to work through it so you can just focus on him when the time comes. From what you have said, you might have some stuff to work on. Don't worry too much with regards to prejudice in youngsters - the world is so different now, HIV (basically treatable now and straight people get it too) and gay men now frequently get married and have kids, so times have really changed! The biggest thing is how his own family and friends react - so you can actually have such a positive impact on his experience. Helping his dad come to terms with it might be a factor in that, so you can get it right. Make sure you keep telling him you love him, when romance comes up you can ask if any girls or boys (showing you accept it), be welcoming if his friend's are gay, and there are talks you still need to have - safe sex, sexual health testing and online dating safety. You can have those is a very neutral way - include teen pregnancy, as well as all the other infections. Actually gives a chance to really let him know you are happy either way. And in terms of the rest of his mental health - clearly if he dropped out of school there is a huge issue. So I hope that he does much better with college and is making some good friends. You can separate the issues, but I would keep trying to get him support. It sounds like you have all been on a very long journey so wishing you all luck. But the key thing - him telling you he is gay, try to just keep calm and make it just as exciting as if he was telling you about a girl.

Key thing I would say is to love him, protect him and side with him if you do come across prejudice. He doesn't need to come out to everyone so he also has an option to not say. I have gay men in my life who have kept it quiet at work and to certain family members. I also have some who told the world. I also have some who only told people when they introduced their male fiancés.