Discovered my teen 17 yr old son is Gay but he doesn't know I know

[LKA123]

Hoping someone has been in my situation really. I overheard a conversation my son had with a young male which was pretty intimate. We are in a small cottage and I heard it from the bathroom. To be honest, I think he had loud speaker on the phone so not sure if he knew or not. Anyhow, the conversation led me to believe he was at the very least bi. As a parent, it is of course a shock. I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV. It is of course a heavy burden of worry but I know it doesn't change how I feel about him and that I want him to be happy and healthy.

Today, I came across further evidence that would most assuredly place him fully gay. He seems to be using ChatGPT as a therapist and confidant. He's also been researching anxiety. Finding this out certainly answers a lot of questions. He quit secondary school halfway through year 7 with extreme anxiety, refusing to go back. Despite cajoling him and being strict (he didn't have access to electronics for 3 months), he never went back and we homeschooled him. Thankfully he started college last September and I believe he is turning his life around. However, he goes through periods of being completely withdrawn from us. Doesn't want to speak to us, completely rude and disrepectful and this last two weeks refuses to eat with us. We've asked what it is we've done wrong but he doesn't want to talk to us.

Finding out what I found it certainly answers a lot of questions so I really want to know how to handle this. I've read that I shouldn't ask him outright as he's likely to deny it, plus apparently it should always be the person coming back and not me forcing it. However, I really want him to know I would be okay with all this and I really want him to know I can help him. I spoke this morning with him whilst he was still in bed and reiterated how I'm here for him, I love him and care about it regardless of what's going on so I do say all the right things. Is it just a question of just sitting back and waiting? Also, I'm unsure whether to tell my partner (his dad). Whilst I'm 99% sure he'll be fine with it all although I think it would be super hard for him. I'm not sure he can be discreet and not let on we know. It's been a week or so of me knowing so I've had chance to process it all but just not sure how my partner would handle it all.

Any advice from an experienced parent of an LGBT teen would be most gratefully received!

Apologies for the length. As a typist I tend to whaffle!
Thank you.

My children aren’t LGBT but I would pretend that I didn’t know and be mindful of referring to any talk about romantic partners as “boyfriend or girlfriend” so he knew that I don’t see sexuality as an issue.

If your partner isn’t good at being discreet then I wouldn’t tell him but make sure that any talk about romantic partners is “boyfriend or girlfriend “

I understand the situation is not easy for you, but you are mistaken in believing that 'no parent wishes their child grow up to be gay'. Maybe those are your feelings, but they are not universal.

Have you never had the conversation with your dh in the past. The hypothetical what if our children are gay?
Maybe it's just us. But we have always talked about all sorts and agreed that so long as happy we are happy .
I would wait for him to tell you . It sounds like you already say the best things . Like we love amd support you in whatever you do .
Do you think he may be worried about how his dad will react? And that's why not mentioned to you yet .

I've gay and trans young family members. I think unless he wants to actively tell you he's gay, just don't say anything.
Teens are horny, they do all sorts with eachother but obviously don't want their parents overheating and bombarding them with questions re their sexuality.
He may be bi, gay whatever. As long as he's happy and has friends and consensual lovers of either sex then just let him get on with it.
As you know there's nothing unusual or controversial about liking the same sex, so it doesn't require discussion. Unless he brings it up voluntarily.

Such a weird attitude.

Use this time to process the information yourself so that you can support him if/ when he tells you. You mention it is a worry / burden and that you think he'll experience prejudice and his health will be at risk... he'll likely pick up on these small but clear negative associations you have with being gay, so work to overcome your assumptions and prejudices!

Just leave him alone. I would have cringed myself inside out if my Mum had stuck her oar in when I was a lesbian teenager.

Good lord no wonder he hasn’t told you when you clearly have so many prejudices about LGBT people.

HIV is growing faster among straight white people than any other group. It’s also fairly easy to manage in most cases.

Oh, youve an odd attitude to this. My two dc are younger and I’ve already said I’m cool with whatever preference or orientation they have. It’s something that needs to be said from when they’re little.

I think he know you and his Dad aren’t really ok with it.

Today, I came across further evidence that would most assuredly place him fully gay. He seems to be using ChatGPT as a therapist and confidant. He's also been researching anxiety
17 is too old to be checking his phone. He'll be an adult soon

I would take this as an opportunity to build a closer relationship with him where in time he will hopefully feel able to talk to you about it. He might feel quite alone in it. He will open up in time, I think it’s best not to say you know, nor tell your partner.

Also I would get him a therapist

I really agree with that, a v negative starting point. I honestly do not have a preference.

You need to send your attitude back to the 80s where it belongs before you even think about speaking to him

I do think he has likely picked up on some of your and your DPs views such as no parent would want a gay child. As a child and in to my 30s I saw a lot of my friends stay in the closet for years or decades and some estrangements because we were all raised catholic and most parents (including my DF) thought it was “unnatural”. My mum was much more tolerant, as a teacher she’d seen the damage done to rejected children.

This was something I’d talked to my DD about when she was in primary school in the sense of (1) it is fine to be whoever you are and (2) nothing is too bad to talk about. She came out at 13, which was a surprise, we are completely fine with it, it is part of her and she is amazing so that is that.

You will have to wait for him to be ready to tell you, but you may need to find a way to let him know it is ok, and make sure your DP is in the same place. Actually first you have to get yourself to that place.

suggestions of a therapist for the withdrawn behaviour are probably the most practical if you can afford or he can access. Which would give him someone safe to talk to.

I genuinely think the op needs to talk through this more urgently than her son does. Being gay is much less complicated and worthy of interrogation than being homophobic. My mouth dropped open at the no one wants comment.

My daughter is a teen and is gay and I am so proud of her and love her for who she is. I feel for your son he has enough discrimination to contend with and needs support from his mum, you really need to think about your attitude.

"no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV."

OP I need to call out these outdated ideas. Surely you love your kids and you offer a safe, welcoming home for them, and for who they love, too? That's the most important thing. And I fear the biggest amount of prejudice he will face is at home. Also, your opinions about the HIV rate are wildly out of date.

My child hasn't expressed a preference but whatever she decides is fine by me. I want her to have someone special, because she is special. What sex they are is neither here nor there!

All teenagers need to know about safe sex and healthy relationships, which I hope you have already discussed, but beyond that...stay out of it.

I thought this too. My child came out to me as "questioning" at 13. I think because they knew our household would have absolutely no issue either way. There's at least an undercurrent of homophobia in the OP.

My older son was also a home educated kid throughout secondary until he went to college, and I'm going to strongly recommend looking through what support resources the college has in place - particularly around mental health and wellbeing - and encouraging him to engage with those if possible. There are a lot of resources out there better than ChatGPT, and colleges often have particularly resources to support this. I would recommend putting your caring energy there rather than on his sexuality.

I found out my older son is bisexual when he was a teenager. I was helping him fill out a form and unintentionally saw him tick the box.

It was nearly 4 years later before it became relevant to any conversation. To him, it isn't an important part of who he is, it's a trait like him having brown hair. It's not something that I need to make any speeches on how much I care for him - I think he like many young adults would have found that line concerning if I started going on like that & would not be the right thing to say to him, he doesn't do that kind of talk. It would probably be extra weird for him for me to make a big deal about it as his father is also bisexual.

It's really not that big of a deal and doesn't need to be all that hard. It doesn't mean he's going to get HIV. Many bisexual and gay men never have STIs. The higher rate of HIV has to do both with STIs being more likely to pass on with unprotected anal sex compared to other types and a small segment of the gay male population who engage in higher risk sexual activities. Sex ed and harm reduction applies whatever sexuality, and hopefully you've already have had those conversations.

Of all the shite my son has faced over the years, his sexuality has barely been a blip. He's had more flack from assholes over wearing his hair long than his sexuality.

As you seem new to this, I'm going to advise: He may be bi or gay. He may view his sexuality in an entirely different way. The phrase 'at least bi' makes it sound like bi is a lesser form of gay, which may put some people's back up.

Also, while some are open to being called an LGBT person, some hate it for many reasons including not liking being treated as an acronym, the erasure of LGBT originally as proactive choice for groups or activities to do with solidarity and activism and only started to be put on individuals when there was enough acceptance to treat people like a marketing tickbox, and it's not possible to be all of those at once. That's why my son wasn't an LGBT teen, he was a bisexual teenager, now a bisexual young adult, who is quite happy, doing well with his main stress being updating her certifications, not anything to do with his sexuality.

Agree 100%

I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay
I can't believe you think that. Grows up to be gay!
Your poor son. As long as my children are happy I it wouldn't bother me at all.

I’m sorry OP but you sound like you are homophobic.

In any case your child’s sexuality is none of your business unless they make it your business.

I suggest you get yourself some therapy in case your child does decide to share.

Kind of hoping this is some kind of weird trolling post. It really shouldn’t be shocking or come with a “heavy burden of worry” to find out your son is gay. 🙄

Yeah I know people like to perpetuate this myth that hiv is like ‘no big deal nowadays’ but it’s suppresses your immune system which, in and of itself, is an issue and can have big complications (regardless of what the cause is).

I understand people want to lessen the stigma but it’s also important not to paint illnesses as not an issue…when clearly having a disease of any type which requires life long medication is an issue.

but yeah totally agree op is living in the past and, if she wants to keep her son, needs to tone it down. I think it’s well-intentioned but comes off as if hyacinth bucket just found out her son was gay.