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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

Discovered my teen 17 yr old son is Gay but he doesn't know I know

61 replies

LKA123 · 25/03/2025 13:58

Hoping someone has been in my situation really. I overheard a conversation my son had with a young male which was pretty intimate. We are in a small cottage and I heard it from the bathroom. To be honest, I think he had loud speaker on the phone so not sure if he knew or not. Anyhow, the conversation led me to believe he was at the very least bi. As a parent, it is of course a shock. I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV. It is of course a heavy burden of worry but I know it doesn't change how I feel about him and that I want him to be happy and healthy.

Today, I came across further evidence that would most assuredly place him fully gay. He seems to be using ChatGPT as a therapist and confidant. He's also been researching anxiety. Finding this out certainly answers a lot of questions. He quit secondary school halfway through year 7 with extreme anxiety, refusing to go back. Despite cajoling him and being strict (he didn't have access to electronics for 3 months), he never went back and we homeschooled him. Thankfully he started college last September and I believe he is turning his life around. However, he goes through periods of being completely withdrawn from us. Doesn't want to speak to us, completely rude and disrepectful and this last two weeks refuses to eat with us. We've asked what it is we've done wrong but he doesn't want to talk to us.

Finding out what I found it certainly answers a lot of questions so I really want to know how to handle this. I've read that I shouldn't ask him outright as he's likely to deny it, plus apparently it should always be the person coming back and not me forcing it. However, I really want him to know I would be okay with all this and I really want him to know I can help him. I spoke this morning with him whilst he was still in bed and reiterated how I'm here for him, I love him and care about it regardless of what's going on so I do say all the right things. Is it just a question of just sitting back and waiting? Also, I'm unsure whether to tell my partner (his dad). Whilst I'm 99% sure he'll be fine with it all although I think it would be super hard for him. I'm not sure he can be discreet and not let on we know. It's been a week or so of me knowing so I've had chance to process it all but just not sure how my partner would handle it all.

Any advice from an experienced parent of an LGBT teen would be most gratefully received!

Apologies for the length. As a typist I tend to whaffle!
Thank you.

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepgoing · 25/03/2025 20:18

Devonshiregal · 25/03/2025 20:07

Yeah I know people like to perpetuate this myth that hiv is like ‘no big deal nowadays’ but it’s suppresses your immune system which, in and of itself, is an issue and can have big complications (regardless of what the cause is).

I understand people want to lessen the stigma but it’s also important not to paint illnesses as not an issue…when clearly having a disease of any type which requires life long medication is an issue.

but yeah totally agree op is living in the past and, if she wants to keep her son, needs to tone it down. I think it’s well-intentioned but comes off as if hyacinth bucket just found out her son was gay.

Show quote history

What, Sheridan and his roommate Tarquin were gay…?!?! Talk about spoiler alert ;) 😂

Edenmum2 · 25/03/2025 20:33

Your language is very telling.

I would take some time to process and not say anything at all, let him tell you. I wouldn’t be surprised if your son knows that you think ‘no parent wants their son to be gay’ or whatever, so maybe consider how that makes him feel when you’re trying to support him

Original poster
LKA123 · 25/03/2025 20:41

To all the people who look for prejudice where there is none; rein it back a bit --- my reference to no parent wishing their child grow up to be gay isn't some underhanded reference to being homophobic! I have gay friends and I will love and support my teen whether he's gay or not! It makes no difference to me. Only that he is happy and healthy. The reference is merely to say no parent gives birth to a baby hoping one day they turn around and say they're gay! Life is hard and regardless of the numpties on this forum, being gay adds just a little bit more anxiety to life that I would rather my 17 year old didn't have to deal with, that's all! My apologies for being a caring, loving mum! The post was directed at parents who have been through the same thing, for some genuine advice on whether to leave it be or say something. Please DO NOT respond to this post if all you can do is pick holes in the text and jump on a wandwagon! Helpful people only, please!

OP posts:
Anon501178 · 25/03/2025 20:51

Hollyhedge · 25/03/2025 18:36

I really agree with that, a v negative starting point. I honestly do not have a preference.

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I'm wondering OP, is this feeling because he is an only child? Is it disappointing because it would mean there is a lesser likelihood of him getting married or having children for example?
I have two daughters and despite a strict religious upbringing where people being gay was seen by my father as a big unspoken taboo, I've managed to move well away from that attitude and will be genuinely happy and accepting of whoever my girls choose to partner with, so long as they treated them well and make them happy.
However if they were both gay or I only had one child who was, I must admit I'd selfishly and secretly be quite disappointed if it did mean they didn't end up getting married or having children.

Edenmum2 · 25/03/2025 20:51

People are picking up on your assumption that being gay (not ‘becoming’ gay, btw) means a stressful, problematic life.

Ok, helpful advice - my daughter started dating a girl last year at the age of 21. She’s never been happier, it’s added zero stress to her life and she hasn’t felt the need for any deep conversations about it because it’s not a big deal in 2025.

Do nothing, let him come to you IF he wants to.

Edenmum2 · 25/03/2025 20:53

Anon501178 · 25/03/2025 20:51

I'm wondering OP, is this feeling because he is an only child? Is it disappointing because it would mean there is a lesser likelihood of him getting married or having children for example?
I have two daughters and despite a strict religious upbringing where people being gay was seen by my father as a big unspoken taboo, I've managed to move well away from that attitude and will be genuinely happy and accepting of whoever my girls choose to partner with, so long as they treated them well and make them happy.
However if they were both gay or I only had one child who was, I must admit I'd selfishly and secretly be quite disappointed if it did mean they didn't end up getting married or having children.

Edited
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Two women can get married and have children. HTH.

Devonshiregal · 25/03/2025 22:36

I understand what you mean. I think people just think it’s funny that you feel the need to say it. Maybe it’s just the way your write.

All parents want their kids to have the easiest, smoothest time in life. You worry being gay might mean some hurdles are there that you, as a parent, wouldn’t wish for for your child - because you don’t want him to have any hurdles.

The having kids hurdle is basically the only one I can realistically think of.

I feel like people here have said things like ‘gay people can have kids’ as a counterpoint to you being worried, but that’s just a bit of a moot point. Straight people can find themselves having to have IVF or adopting or whatever they end up doing, so there’s every possibility they’ll have to jump a hurdle to have kids, but as two gay parents you HAVE to jump the hurdle. And I get that as his mum, you wish for him no heartache or stress. But he might not even want kids so I wouldn’t get too caught up with that.

other than the kids thing though, I can’t really think of a hurdle?

homophobia, sure. But nowadays anyone who is going to be homophobic is someone who is looking to cause problems for any reason they can find. Of course I’m not saying the issue has gone away entirely but generally living in England is pretty good in that respect.

It seems as though you’re wondering (hoping) that your son is secretly gay and therefore if he comes out he’ll shed his anguish and be his happy self again. Is that kind of right? Where do you live? Kids at the moment round my way seem to be actively striving to be in some way lgbtq - everyone is different though so he may have some misplaced shame or something.

If you are so casual about it though and have gay friends, it seems a bit of a stretch to assume his anger all comes down to this. And you’ll no doubt have had years of arguments etc that have tarnished your relationship- even if he did come out, it might not just solve all your issues.

is he neurodivergent or neurotypical? Did he suffer any trauma? Was there something in the move to secondary or was he already acting out before? Have you apologised (sincerely) for any bad parenting you did?

whatever you do, if he does come out, do not say anything like it’s obviously not what I would’ve wished for you. Just don’t. Just say that’s nice dear, anyone you bring back is good with us.

InWithThePlums · 25/03/2025 22:49

This is all very 1980s, and that’s all I can bring myself to say!

Simonjt · 26/03/2025 05:44

“The reference is merely to say no parent gives birth to a baby hoping one day they turn around and say they're gay!”

What makes you think thay is anyway true?

Anon501178 · 27/03/2025 22:20

Edenmum2 · 25/03/2025 20:53

Two women can get married and have children. HTH.

Show quote history

Yes I'm well aware of that, but there is still a lower rate (especially in regards to having children) with gay couples than heterosexual ones.Maybe not so much with females, but certainly seems to be the case with males as obviously there are more barriers.

EskimoInTheBlue · 13/04/2025 18:12

DwarfPalmetto · 25/03/2025 18:03

I understand the situation is not easy for you, but you are mistaken in believing that 'no parent wishes their child grow up to be gay'. Maybe those are your feelings, but they are not universal.

Thank you - a much needed addition...

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 13/04/2025 18:17

As a parent, it is of course a shock. I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV.

Wow. Are you living in the 1980s? I know you are convinced that you are only saying this out of concern that your child will have a more difficult life, but the world has moved on. It honestly sounds like you haven't moved on with it. Being gay is a pretty normal thing. As such, it shouldn't really be a shock!

Onelifeonly · 13/04/2025 18:24

Let him come to you OP. People don't like to be outed.

anyolddinosaur · 16/04/2025 13:00

Whenever we talked to our child about relationships we were always careful to stress a partner could be either sex. Have either of you talked about contraception, why condoms are beneficial to both sexes and where you can acquire them? If not perhaps time to have that chat, maybe on a car trip as teens prefer you not to look at them during such discussions.

Original poster
LKA123 · 17/04/2025 12:20

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 13/04/2025 18:17

As a parent, it is of course a shock. I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV.

Wow. Are you living in the 1980s? I know you are convinced that you are only saying this out of concern that your child will have a more difficult life, but the world has moved on. It honestly sounds like you haven't moved on with it. Being gay is a pretty normal thing. As such, it shouldn't really be a shock!

I think I asked those who were on the bandwagon to rein it in --- having thoughts and opinions is personal to each of us, so please don't insult me by saying I've "convinced" myself that it's out of concern. I love my son, whoever he is and being a loving parent, I want him to be happy and healthy. People like you know nothing about being a loving parent! You're just another one of 'those' that stalk forums, ready to pick apart a genuine post looking for some advice on whether or not to broach the subject with him! And to be honest, it sounds like you have your head stuck in the sand if you think the world is all now a bed of roses for the LGBTQ+ community. The world has indeed moved and I'm glad it's so much easier now, but let's not fool anyone, it's still not perfect, and there's still a way to go!

I ask this nicely - I'd rather you didn't respond - I'd prefer you go find a hobby rather than stalk forums!

OP posts:
Original poster
LKA123 · 17/04/2025 12:28

Devonshiregal · 25/03/2025 22:36

I understand what you mean. I think people just think it’s funny that you feel the need to say it. Maybe it’s just the way your write.

All parents want their kids to have the easiest, smoothest time in life. You worry being gay might mean some hurdles are there that you, as a parent, wouldn’t wish for for your child - because you don’t want him to have any hurdles.

The having kids hurdle is basically the only one I can realistically think of.

I feel like people here have said things like ‘gay people can have kids’ as a counterpoint to you being worried, but that’s just a bit of a moot point. Straight people can find themselves having to have IVF or adopting or whatever they end up doing, so there’s every possibility they’ll have to jump a hurdle to have kids, but as two gay parents you HAVE to jump the hurdle. And I get that as his mum, you wish for him no heartache or stress. But he might not even want kids so I wouldn’t get too caught up with that.

other than the kids thing though, I can’t really think of a hurdle?

homophobia, sure. But nowadays anyone who is going to be homophobic is someone who is looking to cause problems for any reason they can find. Of course I’m not saying the issue has gone away entirely but generally living in England is pretty good in that respect.

It seems as though you’re wondering (hoping) that your son is secretly gay and therefore if he comes out he’ll shed his anguish and be his happy self again. Is that kind of right? Where do you live? Kids at the moment round my way seem to be actively striving to be in some way lgbtq - everyone is different though so he may have some misplaced shame or something.

If you are so casual about it though and have gay friends, it seems a bit of a stretch to assume his anger all comes down to this. And you’ll no doubt have had years of arguments etc that have tarnished your relationship- even if he did come out, it might not just solve all your issues.

is he neurodivergent or neurotypical? Did he suffer any trauma? Was there something in the move to secondary or was he already acting out before? Have you apologised (sincerely) for any bad parenting you did?

whatever you do, if he does come out, do not say anything like it’s obviously not what I would’ve wished for you. Just don’t. Just say that’s nice dear, anyone you bring back is good with us.

Thank you so much for your helpful reply -- you're right. I just want him to be happy, and I think if he knew that I knew, it may alleviate some of the tension/ arguments, but I'm getting the general consensus here that I should wait for him to tell us, so that's what I'm going to do.

When I've talked about relationships with him in the past, I have always referred to the conversation as '....whether it's girls or boys', so deep down he hopefully knows we'd be absolutely fine with who he is. I just need to be patient.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
LKA123 · 17/04/2025 12:42

DwarfPalmetto · 25/03/2025 18:03

I understand the situation is not easy for you, but you are mistaken in believing that 'no parent wishes their child grow up to be gay'. Maybe those are your feelings, but they are not universal.

You're right — there will always be some parents hoping, dreaming, and wishing their child is gay, because what loving parent wouldn't want their child to potentially face extra prejudice and hardship in a world that still isn't always fair. To me, those parents are thinking more about what they want rather than what's best for their child.
And before you fire back: I love my child unconditionally — gay, straight, pink, or green. I have beautiful gay friends, and I am absolutely not homophobic. Not wishing for your child to be gay isn’t wrong — it comes from a loving parent wanting their child to have an easier path through life. However, when he is ready to tell me, I will love and support him through every step of that life!

OP posts:
Iamthemoom · 17/04/2025 13:36

LKA123 · 25/03/2025 20:41

To all the people who look for prejudice where there is none; rein it back a bit --- my reference to no parent wishing their child grow up to be gay isn't some underhanded reference to being homophobic! I have gay friends and I will love and support my teen whether he's gay or not! It makes no difference to me. Only that he is happy and healthy. The reference is merely to say no parent gives birth to a baby hoping one day they turn around and say they're gay! Life is hard and regardless of the numpties on this forum, being gay adds just a little bit more anxiety to life that I would rather my 17 year old didn't have to deal with, that's all! My apologies for being a caring, loving mum! The post was directed at parents who have been through the same thing, for some genuine advice on whether to leave it be or say something. Please DO NOT respond to this post if all you can do is pick holes in the text and jump on a wandwagon! Helpful people only, please!

Actually some of us do hope our kids are gay. The day DD told me was filled with relief and happiness that she won’t ever have to interact emotionally and sexually with men!

ChocolateMagnum · 17/04/2025 13:41

"I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV. "

I'm sorry, what now!? Have we time travelled back to the 1980s!?

Have a look around you and learn about the world right now. Fucks sake.

Surreyblah · 17/04/2025 13:48

We found out in a similar way: DH was the one to discover it by accident and spoke to me, then he spoke alone to our DC to tell DC what had happened, then I followed up. His main concern was guilt about breaching their trust. It felt like lying by omission to pretend to be unaware. DC was relieved and we discussed things, went well and has done since, a few years on.

DC understandably wished and still wishes to inform others (or not) in their own ways and time, which has been tricky at times since almost all local friends and family are aware but those geographically apart are not, and some close family can be nosey at times!

Original poster
LKA123 · 17/04/2025 14:33

Surreyblah · 17/04/2025 13:48

We found out in a similar way: DH was the one to discover it by accident and spoke to me, then he spoke alone to our DC to tell DC what had happened, then I followed up. His main concern was guilt about breaching their trust. It felt like lying by omission to pretend to be unaware. DC was relieved and we discussed things, went well and has done since, a few years on.

DC understandably wished and still wishes to inform others (or not) in their own ways and time, which has been tricky at times since almost all local friends and family are aware but those geographically apart are not, and some close family can be nosey at times!

Thank you for sharing.
Can I ask how old your child was when you spoke to them?

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 17/04/2025 16:09

Just turned 15.

Original poster
LKA123 · 17/04/2025 17:59

Iamthemoom · 17/04/2025 13:36

Actually some of us do hope our kids are gay. The day DD told me was filled with relief and happiness that she won’t ever have to interact emotionally and sexually with men!

Show quote history

I'll just repeat what I've said before. There will always be some parents hoping, dreaming, and wishing their child is gay, like yourself, because what loving parent wouldn't want their child to potentially face extra prejudice and hardship in a world that still isn't always fair. In my opinion, if you hoped so much for your child to be gay so they didn't have to interact with men, then that says more about you and pretty much demonises the male population unfairly.
As I said, I love my child unconditionally — gay, straight, pink, or green. I have beautiful gay friends, and I am absolutely not homophobic. Not wishing for your child to be gay isn’t wrong — it comes from a loving parent wanting their child to have an easier path through life. However, when he is ready to tell me, I will love and support him through every step of that life!

OP posts:
Original poster
LKA123 · 17/04/2025 18:10

ChocolateMagnum · 17/04/2025 13:41

"I mean, no parent wishes their child grows up to be gay and for males specifically, it's not just the prejudice he'll face throughout his life but the higher incidence of contracting HIV. "

I'm sorry, what now!? Have we time travelled back to the 1980s!?

Have a look around you and learn about the world right now. Fucks sake.

OMG, please read the entire thread before throwing out random comments. It must have taken you all of 3 seconds to come up with the "time travel" jab — meanwhile, the reality is that HIV rates are still statistically higher among gay men today. Acknowledging medical facts isn’t being stuck in the 80s; it’s being aware of risks that still exist and pretending otherwise doesn’t make them disappear. Unfortunately, you're the one with your head buried in the sand, pretending life is all sunshine and rainbows for the LGBTQ+ community, so I’m sorry if it offends you that I don’t "wish" for my child to face extra prejudice and additional potential health risks in a world that still isn't always fair, regardless of the fantasy world you seem to be living in!
Not wishing for my child to be gay isn’t wrong— it comes from a place of love, wanting him to have the easiest, safest path possible in life. But make no mistake: if and when my son tells me he's gay, I will love and support him every single step of the way!

OP posts:
LeaCFBC · 17/04/2025 18:21

Anon501178 · 25/03/2025 20:51

I'm wondering OP, is this feeling because he is an only child? Is it disappointing because it would mean there is a lesser likelihood of him getting married or having children for example?
I have two daughters and despite a strict religious upbringing where people being gay was seen by my father as a big unspoken taboo, I've managed to move well away from that attitude and will be genuinely happy and accepting of whoever my girls choose to partner with, so long as they treated them well and make them happy.
However if they were both gay or I only had one child who was, I must admit I'd selfishly and secretly be quite disappointed if it did mean they didn't end up getting married or having children.

Edited
Show quote history

Lots of straight people are childfree by choice. Lots of LGBT+ people have children . These outdated stereotypes need to die.

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