‘Outing’ my 17 year old

[Naturenurture]

Hi all advice please…
I have a son in year 12 and a younger boy. I have always wondered if my older son is gay, and have seen a couple of messages he has sent or received from friends which have confirmed that he is talking to them about it, which I’m pleased about.
We have always had a very close and loving relationship, and I am very careful to be gender neutral about mentioning future partners (he has never dated anyone to my knowledge). We have gay friends and our closest family friends son has come out, which we were all very relaxed and supportive about. I also work in mental health with lots of LGBT clients and talk about them in a very positive and respectful way to my kids.
I guess I have two concerns. Everything I’ve read suggests that you never ‘out’ someone, which I totally understand. So the one thing is definitely about me, I feel hurt that he would talk to his friends and not to me (I’m aware that I need to deal with this!) But the second is a worry that he is holding back on talking to us because he’s worried about his grandparents and the wider family on my husbands side where there is a more conservative attitude. I have also noticed that he makes what I perceive to be slightly homophobic comments which confuses me. He goes to an independent boys school where there are a number of boys who have come out, are trans etc and so good role models there.
Is there anything more I can do to help him? I hate to think of him worrying about anything alone. On the surface he is a happy confident high achieving child with lots of friends, hobbies etc.
Is it possible that he’s just not sure yet or does he worry about out our reaction?

I don't see why you're linking it with trans.
It's perfectly normal that a teen lad wouldn't want to talk about his sexual preferences or desires with his mum. I know I'd have rather punched myself in the eye than talked to my dad about that stuff!
Just leave that side of it to him, he's happy and has mates and does well at school. Who he fancies isn't really a big deal but equally it's embarrassing for kids to share that with opposite sex parents.

Perhaps your gay friend is speaking from a place of having grown up in a different era, where the expectation of heteronormative behaviour was greater on them than it is for young gay people in more recent years?

All 3 of ours came out at about this sort of age.

We didn’t ask. Looking back it wasn’t a huge surprise.

We could have asked when some signposts were up but we didn’t - not a conscious decision either way.

If we had our time again I would do as we did - ie not ask. I think it better to provide a safe and secure environment - so that one’s children can tell you such things and know that they will still be accepted and loved.

I think we had a welcoming and accepting house, all 3 had friends round and it was generally a full house.

All 3 brought round various b+gfs round fairly early on. One or two had been treated appallingly by their parents.

All 3 are out publically - but in someways it’s not an event now. Not hidden, not shouted from the rooftops.

At the time - 15-20 years ago there wasn’t the knowledge about non straight children having mh problems or taking their own lives. Fortunately we didn’t have this sort of thing to tear our family apart.

Coming out - whether it’s the person telling family, friends etc or whether it’s parents asking is hard. The person stating matters, the parent asking doesn’t know the answer or more importantly the reaction to the answer.

It’s not something that has a half way answer. Its either a year a no or a lie.

So - best to provide an accepting, secure, open and supportive environment without sit down questioning sessions or fears.

For us, as parents, the hardest thing was telling my parents. (With children’s permission and knowledge) We felt it could go either way and we (DW and me) were quite prepared to walk and go NC. Fortunately it went ok.

I know others think - they’re the parents with 3 gay children - they must have done something wrong. Others have come to us for advice about their concerns for their own gay children. To the first group - sod em. To the second ‘how can I help?’

All the best.

That’s a really good point, I hadn’t thought of that. She’s only 15 years older than him and when you’re my age 15 years seems like nothing but so much changes in that period of time.

This is interesting. Among my DCs friend group (earlier teens) a number of them identify as gay or bi. They seem secure in that identity. I'm aware of another teen that is on the fringes of their group, for various reasons, who is female-presenting but is gender-fluid.
This is a standard mixed-sex school though, so attitudes may be different.

@Naturenurture You sound like such a kind and supportive mum, and your son is lucky to have you.

He’ll come to you when he’s ready—right now, he’s likely still coming out to himself, which is often the hardest part. Even with the most accepting family, it can take time to process and find the right words.

It’s natural to feel a little hurt, but this isn’t about trust—it’s just his personal journey. The fact that he’s confiding in friends is a good sign. His occasional homophobic comments might even be a way of deflecting while he figures things out.

You’re already doing all the right things by creating a loving, open environment. Just keep being your wonderful, supportive self—when the time is right, he’ll know he can come to you.

I understand what you mean about the not confiding in you. When you're close to your child and perceive that they have an issue, it can hurt a little if they don't some to us. But as some previous posters have said, maybe he doesn't feel the need to come out as such.

The fact that you are so accepting in your wider circle and through your work, it could be that you've naturally given that reassurance & support as he's grown up - so much so that it's not something he sees as a problem.

When I think this way (which I do with my son) I flip it and say Would I expect my daughter to confirm being heterosexual? 'Mum, just so you know, I'll be having sex with men' 😆 No, none of my business 😆

Society is so accepting of course, that she doesn't need to do that. How lovely if your son simply feels the same way.

OP, it probably has to do with the fact that your son so far has not had a serious boyfriend, ie someone he would like you to meet.

I assume once he finds someone you will be introduced to them. In the meantime there is no need for him to discuss this with you.

He might be gay, he might be bisexual. I guess things will be clearer for him once he find someone he really likes.

In the meantime, continue to be supportive and to make him feel he can open up to you once he is ready.

The way I see it, very few straight people feel the need to announce their heterosexuality to their parents or the wider world, so I see no reason why gay people would need to make a big announcement either.

I presume that, when he is in a relationship and ready for you to meet someone, he will introduce him. Until that time, it isn't really anyone else's business but his own.

I don't mean this to sound harsh - but you've seen the conversations on his phone, you've already suspected he's gay prior to that. So you do know!

Are you needing him to 'come out' to you so that you can do a big performative oh so supportive I'm so totally cool with having a gay son it's unreal ? Because that's how it comes across a bit to me. That you can't wait to do your big 'performance' and feel a little bursting at the seams to do it. It's more about you than him.

He's probably well picked up on all your hints and obviously doesn't want to do a big announcement. Why should he ? There's really no need.