‘Outing’ my 17 year old

[Naturenurture]

Hi all advice please…
I have a son in year 12 and a younger boy. I have always wondered if my older son is gay, and have seen a couple of messages he has sent or received from friends which have confirmed that he is talking to them about it, which I’m pleased about.
We have always had a very close and loving relationship, and I am very careful to be gender neutral about mentioning future partners (he has never dated anyone to my knowledge). We have gay friends and our closest family friends son has come out, which we were all very relaxed and supportive about. I also work in mental health with lots of LGBT clients and talk about them in a very positive and respectful way to my kids.
I guess I have two concerns. Everything I’ve read suggests that you never ‘out’ someone, which I totally understand. So the one thing is definitely about me, I feel hurt that he would talk to his friends and not to me (I’m aware that I need to deal with this!) But the second is a worry that he is holding back on talking to us because he’s worried about his grandparents and the wider family on my husbands side where there is a more conservative attitude. I have also noticed that he makes what I perceive to be slightly homophobic comments which confuses me. He goes to an independent boys school where there are a number of boys who have come out, are trans etc and so good role models there.
Is there anything more I can do to help him? I hate to think of him worrying about anything alone. On the surface he is a happy confident high achieving child with lots of friends, hobbies etc.
Is it possible that he’s just not sure yet or does he worry about out our reaction?

He might be waiting until he has a boyfriend (if he wants one). It’s less theoretical then.

I work in education in the south east, I don't know one teen that uses the term gay , queer yes, but not gay. For many older teens and young people it just isn't an issue, certainly not to pigeon hole their sexuality, if its not an issue, why would they want to discuss it?

I think its likely at 17, he thinks you are a tad 'out of touch' and doesn't want to discuss this with you ( Just a 'straight' male teen wouln't want to discuss these things with a middle aged mum)

He possibly thinks you are already aware that he's gay. You could just talk to him in future with that knowledge. No need for big discussions.

What do you mean that you talk about your LGBT clients in a positive way to him? I wonder if he thinks you are a bit of a big mouth and will gossip about him, because there's absolutely no reason for you to be discussing those clients at home, let alone their sexuality.

Maybe he is getting his head around feelings

Agree that it's probably because he thinks it's nbd.
DD had a big long chat with me about how she doesn't believe in coming out (she initiated it) which I think makes loads of sense in a modern context. Straight people don't have to come out, and who you fancy only really matters to you and them. I'd bet you'll just one day be introduced to a boyfriend.

This is incredibly helpful thank you

Good point thank you so much

True, I wouldn’t have wanted to discuss this with my parents at that age. Or ever.

Which is great as long as the school doesn’t go along with the lie that it’s possible to change sex.
It may well be that your DS knows he’s gay but is afraid to say it because others at school would think he just be trans. Homophobia is absolutely rife in the trans community,

Lots of young people prefer not to label themselves until they are dating anyway, based on DCs’ friendship groups.

It’s such an accepted part of the norm in their circles (thank goodness) that no one particularly ‘comes out’ other than to introduce a girlfriend or boyfriend to the group.

I didn’t know that. Thanks

I'm gay, but never really talked about it with my parents much until I was with someone I wanted to introduce them to, which wasn't till my 30s. (I'd had relationships, but not the kind where you bring the partner home!). As a teenager, I was still working myself out, and in my 20s, we briefly discussed it and I assumed they knew, but it's awkward to have a theoretical 'identity' without anything tangible like a relationship. I'd just leave him to it.

I am gay, I new my parents would be fine about it. But as a teenager there was no way on earth I was telling them as the thought about talking about sex and fancying people with my parents would just be super awkward. Somethings are just easier talked to with your mates.

At the end of the day when he wants you to know he'll tell you and you don't gain anything by having awkward conversation.

Thank you so much for sharing this

Thank you so much for this reply

From what you say I'm sure he knows it won't be an issue at all. You've clearly thought about it and done a good job of preparing the ground for either of your children turning out to be gay, so they can feel confident of it not being unwelcome. Gently, is it possible you've been subconsciously looking forward to the moment (if one of them is gay) when they tell you, so you can do the right thing, respond in the right way, then too? And not having that moment feels like you're not getting the chance you wanted to show how well you would handle that?

Teenagers almost always talk about things with their friends before their parents. Their friends are their world at that age. It sounds like he knows you'll be there when he's ready, once he's worked through how he feels and how he wants to approach it with his peers.

What a kind response, very thought provoking and yes I’m sure a lot of validity, thank you ❤️

My 22yo DD is gay (her term). We are supportive but she is private and doesn't want to make an announcement to family. She also said she wanted to be sure before making any announcement - I don't think she's met anyone she actually wants to be in a relationship with and that might be the point where she will want to tell people. I suspect your son doesn't want to make a big deal out of it if he's not with anyone. At his age it's completely normal not to want to discuss anything with your Mum.

He must know that he could tell you, with reasonable confidence it would be fine.
Maybe he will in his own time.
I talked around this with my DD when she was younger and unsure of her sexuality and I think was thinking she was a lesbian and I told her basically she could tell me or not tell me anything. But her sexuality and feelings were private and she didn't actually need to tell anyone, not even me, if she didn't want to. It's her business not mine. I just want to know she's happy.

I think at his age it's entirely natural and appropriate that he'd be discussing his sexuality etc with peers before disclosing to a parent.

Not many teens make their parents their first port of call when having conversations about who they're attracted to, gay teenagers are no different in this respect.

I suppose I'm of the opinion that you wouldn't expect a teenager to announce that they're heterosexual so why do you expect the same from a gay teenager?

I'd keep modelling supportive and positive/respectful behaviour and attitudes towards gay people and let them come to you if or when they're ready.

It might just be that he feels awkward mentioning it because it's to do with sex and relationships... which can be an uncomfortable thing to talk with your parents about, rather than the actual gay thing.

I think just keep promoting that acceptance in a way that doesn't feel forced (comment positively on lgtbq+ characters in shows, make it clear if anti-lgbtq+ policies are being shown on the news that you don't agree) and when he's ready he'll know its a safe space to talk if he wants to. I have some friends who never formally 'came out' despite having very liberal parents because they didn't feel like it needed to be said - just how nobody needs to come out as hetrosexual

I find this really interesting, my DS came out at Uni but although we knew and he knew we knew, we didn’t mention it for all the reasons above. On one occasion is said something which opened the door to the conversation and I said ‘you don’t have to tell me but was that because of your sexuality?’ It was like I’d taken the lid off a shaken up bottle of coke and he spoke so fast and so much, very much like it had been bottled up and he was pleased he could finally be open. When I spoke to a gay friend about that years later, she said ‘you should have said something sooner’, her experience was that years of feeling you have to be someone you’re not and the onus on speaking up being on you as the gay individual creates so much pressure and such a mental health challenge that it shouldn’t be down to that person.

I don’t know the answer, my son is now in his 30s and says he never feared our reaction because our social network is very diverse and he knew it would be ‘normal’ and not a big issue, but it’s so hard not knowing what to do for the best. My instinct and the advice I read in here is very much the opposite of what my friend’s advice / opinion was.