‘Outing’ my 17 year old

Naturenurture · 2025-02-25T06:58:39+00:00

Hi all advice please… I have a son in year 12 and a younger boy. I have always wondered if my older son is gay, and have seen a couple of messages he has sent or received from friends which have confirmed that he is talking to them about it, which I’m pleased about. We have always had a very close and loving relationship, and I am very careful to be gender neutral about mentioning future partners (he has never dated anyone to my knowledge). We have gay friends and our closest family friends son has come out, which we were all very relaxed and supportive about. I also work in mental health with lots of LGBT clients and talk about them in a very positive and respectful way to my kids. I guess I have two concerns. Everything I’ve read suggests that you never ‘out’ someone, which I totally understand. So the one thing is definitely about me, I feel hurt that he would talk to his friends and not to me (I’m aware that I need to deal with this!) But the second is a worry that he is holding back on talking to us because he’s worried about his grandparents and the wider family on my husbands side where there is a more conservative attitude. I have also noticed that he makes what I perceive to be slightly homophobic comments which confuses me. He goes to an independent boys school where there are a number of boys who have come out, are trans etc and so good role models there. Is there anything more I can do to help him? I hate to think of him worrying about anything alone. On the surface he is a happy confident high achieving child with lots of friends, hobbies etc. Is it possible that he’s just not sure yet or does he worry about out our reaction?

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 07:02

Have many of the boys at his school come out as gay or just as trans? There seems to be a narrative amoung young people that being gay isn’t acceptable and a mobe towards saying if you fancy males you must be female.

Imonmyway · 25/02/2025 07:04

Maybe he's just making sure before he tells you. Has he plenty of opportunities to tell you? Like uninterrupted 1 on 1 time?

Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:11

Squeakpopcorn · 25/02/2025 07:02

Have many of the boys at his school come out as gay or just as trans? There seems to be a narrative amoung young people that being gay isn’t acceptable and a mobe towards saying if you fancy males you must be female.

There is a ‘gay’ society and definitely more boys are gay than trans…

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Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:12

Imonmyway · 25/02/2025 07:04

Maybe he's just making sure before he tells you. Has he plenty of opportunities to tell you? Like uninterrupted 1 on 1 time?

Loads, we talk all the time, he often comes and lies on my bed at night before bed, we walk the dog etc. if anything I get less time with my younger one who is more sport obsessed!

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Autumnblues24 · 25/02/2025 07:14

Maybe he doesn't feel he needs to come out and be labelled.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 25/02/2025 07:16

I have also noticed that he makes what I perceive to be slightly homophobic comments which confuses me.

Maybe use this as your way of saying that you aren't comfortable with the comments. You could say 'I notice you've been saying X, and I am trying to understand why you are saying those things'. Sometimes doing it while driving can help. See if that then develops into a deeper conversation. It could be that he fears rejection the most from you. Friends, especially at that age, are fairly transient but family is always there. If he does come out to you then reasure him that he doesn't have to come out to the whole family.

JollyGreenSleeves · 25/02/2025 07:18

I don’t think you have to ‘deal with’ him not telling you. This is his private life which you’re talking about and he will tell you when is good and ready no doubt.

Nottodaty · 25/02/2025 07:22

My close friends son is 27 and isn’t out - within his family they are very open & he is close to his Mum. For what ever reason he has chosen not to say it. He currently lives with friend who he moved cities to be with and bought a house. His Mum & Dad wouldn’t ever make him feel that it’s an issue.

He seems very happy in himself has a small group of friends, we all just respect his decision. He obviously doesn’t want to come out in that way and is just quietly living his life how he wishes.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 25/02/2025 07:22

Does he need to come out? One of my dd has had both male and female partners but has never said if she's bi or gay and I've never asked. One DS often wears make up and I've never asked questions, just bollocked him for using my white towel to get it off. He now has proper make up remover

Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:28

Autumnblues24 · 25/02/2025 07:14

Maybe he doesn't feel he needs to come out and be labelled.

Would you mind saying a bit more about this?

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Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:28

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 25/02/2025 07:22

Does he need to come out? One of my dd has had both male and female partners but has never said if she's bi or gay and I've never asked. One DS often wears make up and I've never asked questions, just bollocked him for using my white towel to get it off. He now has proper make up remover

So helpful! Thank you.

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Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:29

Nottodaty · 25/02/2025 07:22

My close friends son is 27 and isn’t out - within his family they are very open & he is close to his Mum. For what ever reason he has chosen not to say it. He currently lives with friend who he moved cities to be with and bought a house. His Mum & Dad wouldn’t ever make him feel that it’s an issue.

He seems very happy in himself has a small group of friends, we all just respect his decision. He obviously doesn’t want to come out in that way and is just quietly living his life how he wishes.

What a lovely message thank you

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Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:32

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 25/02/2025 07:16

I have also noticed that he makes what I perceive to be slightly homophobic comments which confuses me.

Maybe use this as your way of saying that you aren't comfortable with the comments. You could say 'I notice you've been saying X, and I am trying to understand why you are saying those things'. Sometimes doing it while driving can help. See if that then develops into a deeper conversation. It could be that he fears rejection the most from you. Friends, especially at that age, are fairly transient but family is always there. If he does come out to you then reasure him that he doesn't have to come out to the whole family.

Absolutely, my biggest concern is that he fears rejection but I can’t imagine why! I have two gay cousins, my other cousins both have gay kids, we are all very close and loving, so I can’t imagine what else I can do to shape the narrative. Also to add my husband is completely relaxed and thinks I should stop worrying ( helpful 😅).

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Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:33

JollyGreenSleeves · 25/02/2025 07:18

I don’t think you have to ‘deal with’ him not telling you. This is his private life which you’re talking about and he will tell you when is good and ready no doubt.

I mean I know this is my problem not his.

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Soontobe60 · 25/02/2025 07:35

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:28

Would you mind saying a bit more about this?

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Would you need a straight son ‘coming out’ to tell you he’s straight? As long as people think ‘coming out’ is a thing, then being gay is never going to be equal to being straight. Neither of my DC thought to tell me they were straight - it’s something that became apparent when they got boyfriends.
Oh, and I would argue that a boy who claims to be a girl isn’t the good ‘role model’ that you think it is.

Acc0untant · 25/02/2025 07:35

Does he need to come out?

Do we expect straight teenagers to confirm to their parents that they are, in fact, straight? Unusual.. we assume straight until told otherwise.

Straight is seen as the default and so gay or bisexual people have to come out to be anything other than a part of the default sexual orientation, but if people were all as accepting as they thought they were there wouldn't need to be a "coming out" at a all. Most wouldn't bat an eyelash at their son introducing Mary as their new girlfriend but expect a heads up from a younger age in case one day it'll be Steve rather than Mary.

Maybe one day he'll just say "mum, I'd like you to meet Daniel."

Mulledjuice · 25/02/2025 07:37

Did you comments on his "homophobic" comments at the time?

saraclara · 25/02/2025 07:43

This really is about you

Given everything you've said about your relationship and the gay members of your family, I'd say that there's nothing in the way of him telling you if he wants to. But instead, at least for now, he just wants to 'be' and doesn't feel the need to announce anything.

And why should he? No-one announces to their family that they're straight.

Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:48

Soontobe60 · 25/02/2025 07:35

Would you need a straight son ‘coming out’ to tell you he’s straight? As long as people think ‘coming out’ is a thing, then being gay is never going to be equal to being straight. Neither of my DC thought to tell me they were straight - it’s something that became apparent when they got boyfriends.
Oh, and I would argue that a boy who claims to be a girl isn’t the good ‘role model’ that you think it is.

Show quote history

Good point on the first part.
I wasn’t suggesting that a trans teen is a good role model (not to be debated here) but more that the school are modelling acceptance of all the boys.

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RobinHeartella · 25/02/2025 07:48

Maybe he doesn't fear rejection but he fears "a fuss". Would you be over the top delighted if he told you he was gay? (If so, why? Is it better to be gay?)

He might also fear being pigeonholed into being expected to be a certain way, eg flamboyant etc

Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:50

Mulledjuice · 25/02/2025 07:37

Did you comments on his "homophobic" comments at the time?

Yes, both openly as in ‘that sounds a bit judgmental’ and separately as in ‘I don’t think that’s a very good example to set for your brother’

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Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:51

RobinHeartella · 25/02/2025 07:48

Maybe he doesn't fear rejection but he fears "a fuss". Would you be over the top delighted if he told you he was gay? (If so, why? Is it better to be gay?)

He might also fear being pigeonholed into being expected to be a certain way, eg flamboyant etc

I wouldn’t be delighted I don’t think, more relieved that he felt able to talk about it. Good question, thank you.

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Original poster

Naturenurture · 25/02/2025 07:51

saraclara · 25/02/2025 07:43

This really is about you

Given everything you've said about your relationship and the gay members of your family, I'd say that there's nothing in the way of him telling you if he wants to. But instead, at least for now, he just wants to 'be' and doesn't feel the need to announce anything.

And why should he? No-one announces to their family that they're straight.

Thank you, I’m super aware that it’s about me! But useful to be reminded of it.

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IButtleSir · 25/02/2025 07:52

Don't put any pressure on him to 'come out'. He may not feel ready to, he may not feel the need to.

Do, however, pick him up on any homophobic comments he makes.

IButtleSir · 25/02/2025 07:54

RobinHeartella · 25/02/2025 07:48

Maybe he doesn't fear rejection but he fears "a fuss". Would you be over the top delighted if he told you he was gay? (If so, why? Is it better to be gay?)

He might also fear being pigeonholed into being expected to be a certain way, eg flamboyant etc

Yes, if he and his friends are very laid-back about it, he may worry that you'll make it into a big deal when he doesn't want it to be.