Son wants to become a girl. His moods are killing me.

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My son (17) has for some time expressed a wish to become a girl. I won't lie, initially I thought it was a fad that would fade however its increasingly clear that he really is struggling with his gender and the wish to be a girl.
We went to our GP who was supportive but basically sign posted us to charities and told DS to access counselling through his education provider.
His college said they didn't have capacity to help him so I spoke to a private advisor about everything just to try and get my head around it all and understand what the process is. They advised that the Cass review means now thar under 18s are unable to access any gender blockers or hormones and if he wanted to go ahead with the process he would be able to get a private prescription but we'd need to fly outside of the UK to obtain the drugs.
I advised DS given this new information it's not financially viable. We can not afford to fly to Dublin every 3 months to get his prescription and pay for the medication and that we need to wait another year until he's 18 to be able to do this legally in the UK.
That was a couple of weeks ago and he's barely talking to me. He's angry and mean and moody. I'm exhausted with the person he is becoming and whilst I completely understand that he must be going through hell right now with how he's feeling (he hates the body hair and how his body is becoming more and more masculine) I can't continue to be his emotional and verbal punch pag. He's in trouble at college and is on the verge of being kicked out. He's absolutely miserable. He's been secretly drinking. I'm very worried about him but he is pushing everyone away.

I don't know how to help him and I don't want to continue being treated the way I am being treated- it's making me extremely depressed. I dread having to get him up for college in the morning. He's so angry with me every day. He gets in trouble at college for not doing work/following instructions but can't ever gauge that it's his own fault for not checking his college messages or asking for help. He has a test later where he has to talk about something for 5 mins, but has made no efforts to prepare a speech. He has no gcses because so no one will employ him. I don't know how to help him and I feel like saying sod it, if you can't speak to me and treat me with kindness and dignity then I'm not advocating or having your back anymore. But I can't do that because I'm also scared he will do something stupid with how low he is. I feel trapped.
I'm trying go not make this about myself but it's so incredibly hard living with someone who treats you like that. His father was very emotionally abusive and controlling and it triggers all those awful memories and experiences. I feel suffocated.

I would tell him that you will support him with what he needs, but the medical advice currently is for those over 18.

With this in mind, he needs to be thinking about the rest of his life, and where he wants to be overall, not just his gender identity.

He has a long life ahead of him, and maybe repeating the year would be a good idea?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your son is likely to be reacting to his father.
However he cannot get away with being abusive and rude and you need to very clearly lay that down.
I would look for counseling for him but also explain that he is going to have to find work in order to cover any treatment he is going to have.
I the kitties really important for him to be aware that his feelings of upset and anger might not be because he is in the wrong gender but because he is unhappy and doesn't want to turn out like as father.
You need to tread a careful line between being firm but supportive which can be really difficult at this age.
Tell him he cannot be abusive towards you under any circumstances and if he is walk away and do not tolerate it.
It sounds incredibly difficult and I hope things improve.

Your DS is absolutely controlling you. I do hope you have pointed out to him that no matter how many hormones he takes, or surgeries he has, he will never be female?
His behaviour is classic - he's sulking, not engaging with education, expects parents to pay for private treatment etc. And you’re starting to think that if he doesn’t get his own way he may harm himself. He’s read the textbook on manipulation, is possibly gay and has issues with his father.
Please have a read of this.
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

So to clarify a few points. He has no contact with his dad and hasn't since he was about 3. We split when he was tiny due to the abuse and control and I don't think he ever witnessed anything. But equally I know he would have been aware even as a baby of my moods and the tension in our home. He also is very like his dad sometimes so I think some of it is just in him because half of his dna is from him.
He is definitely gay. He's always been visibly different to the other boys around him. Hates rough play. He'd only play with girls. Has always loved dressing up as a girl. Is very feminine. He's got loads of female cousins so I thought he just wanted to fit in with them. He used to get upset when he was little because he felt like the odd one out because he's the only boy in our family.
I've told him I can't pay privately but I would pay for him to have therapy because I think that's where we need to start before anything happens.

I think I've become really worn down by it all. Have other things going on in life that are exhausting and I need to stop allowing him to treat me the way he is.

Well first of all, you have a daughter, so maybe show her some basic respect and acknowledge that? Second of all, of course she's miserable - it's not your fault that the medical treatment for trans youth in this country is pathetically lacking, and it's valid to say that it's too expensive to do it privately, but given those two facts there's no easy answer to help her at the moment, and all you can do is be on her side (and again, starting by at least using her pronouns and asking if she has a preferred name, etc. would probably be a little bit of a help). Find out what she needs and what she thinks would help.

Please treat her better.

The OP has a son, and will always have a son no matter how much medical treatment he gets.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds like your son is struggling with internal homophobia and therapy to deal with this, not therapy to affirm that he is, or can become a woman, could help.

The Cass Review clarified that gender affirmation can put young people on an irreversible pathway to transitioning which can lead to infertility and loss of sexual functioning and pleasure. A recent study has shown more than 50 per cent of young people who think they are the opposite gender desist within five years. I don't know what the answer is for the op but I agree that contacting Bayswater support will help the op with advice on how to deal with her angry son and that watchful waiting without affirmation is probably what they would advise.

No, that's incorrect.

The OP has a troubled son. People can't magically change sex. The boy needs timely, appropriate support in navigating his feelings around sexuality and in moderating his destructive behaviours. Easier said than done of course.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this OP, it sounds gruelling x

This ^^ 💯

If this was my child I'd be inclined to send them a link to the SRS thread on kiwi farms so that they can see the terrifying reality of the medical treatment that trans children receive, and how it destroys their physical health for life.

So so so many people have regretted it and wish they could undo the damage done to their bodies.

No she doesn't. She has a gay son. Stop being silly.

Please please please check your Internet safety settings. It's very likely that your son is accessing porn. This exact same gender madness happened with not one but two of my sons and one ended up with a criminal record. All of it, ALL of the horrific shit my family have been through has been traced back to accessing pornograpy and developing a porn addiction as a child/teen.

Accessing counselling would be helpful if financially possible.
Could they begin to start identifying with you what elements of masculine/feminine they want to feel/exhibit? A lot of men struggle with masculine identity - there’s no reason why is they wish they couldn’t shave/wax, wear more trad feminine clothing and aim to find a style that speaks to them without subscribing to the ultra strong masculinity in vogue at the moment. Is there any way of supporting with that eg shopping experience or something? Not trying to minimise how hard they must be finding it but to think lower cost, less medical intervention that would support them figuring out what they want

addressing some of the educational issues too, the speech sounds like they’re resitting English? If so, they don’t need the speech to do so - they can have a non entry for that element and not miss anything on the grade itself. The two exams are what is required. Have they got career goals or aspirations? Try to encourage that one day they will feel better and more settled and secure, and at that point they’ll want something to fall back on - GCSEs make that happens.

I am in Ireland and didn’t know there was a clinic in Dublin prescribing to u18s. I’m very perturbed by this.

I’m so sorry. Your son needs therapy and fast. He’s clearly having self confidence issues. Him taking pills won’t make him a girl. There’s nothing wrong with a man being feminine and it certainly doesn’t make him a girl. Please take him back to the Gp and ask to be referred for counselling.

I am in a similar position but with a child over 18. I love him but won't be gaslighted into pretending he can ever be anything other than male. I find reading the stories on www.pittparents.com helps me feel less alone and the support of other parents through the Gender Dysphoria Support Network have kept me sane.

Personally I wouldn't use an affirming therapist because it hides any comorbidities/other problems your son has got and means they won't be addressed. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy. I'd focus on improving your relationship, not affirming (avoid pronouns and new names) and wait. Most young people desist. Meanwhile think about your own mental health.

Does he want to live as a woman? He can do this if he wants, he can shave and wax (many women have to deal with unwanted body hair), dress as a woman and try living as a woman, if in a year's time he still wants to go through hormones, surgery, etc he can cross that bridge then. Many men in the past lived as women and women lived as men that may be enough for him. Or as a gay man if he gets into a loving relationship with another gay man that may prove that he can live as man, but a gay man and doesn't need to try to be a woman. Has he had or is he in a gay relationship?

Maybe watch a video or podcast by the wonderful Tulip / Richie Herring.

How exactly does one “live as a woman”?

https://thoughtfultherapists.org have information about therapists who support gender questioning people without affirmation. Are you able to discuss your son's attitude to possibly being gay with him?

If the OPs done said he wanted to be a dog, would you insist she puts a collar on him and takes him to the vet? 😑

It sounds like your son has a number of issues.

You mention no GCSEs, drinking, and not wanting to go to college.

Can you expand a bit on the back story? What else has been going on in his life? Is he doing a college course that he chose and enjoys (presumably not).

Does he have friends?

I suspect this is one issue among many and some of the other issues might be more easily addressed.

At this stage the first thing is to look after yourself. Give yourself space and time to think and recover a bit. There's not a huge amount you can do for your child immediately, and this is a marathon not a sprint. Let him be angry and moody in his own space, it's naturally disappointing that he can't have what he wants but you may just have to leave him to it. Like toddler tantrums they have to calm themselves down. You can't give in to it and spend money you can't afford.

Plus, not taking him abroad for treatment is not just about the money. It's the fact that hormones are no longer the recommended treatment for under 18s in the UK (and increasingly elsewhere in the world.) The doctors have said "no" for sound medical reasons and I have a low opinion of the "advisor" who suggested taking your child abroad for an unevidenced medical treatment with huge long-term effects (and also if he's depressed oestrogen will very likely make it worse).

Yes he is growing up, physically and mentally, this is not fun for him but it is OK. A lot of his anger is probably guilt and the rest is anxiety. You could reasonably stop advocating for him for the time being, it doesn't sound as if it's really helping. Try not get involved if he isn't prepping his college work unless he asks you to be involved. Try to spend quiet calm neutral time with him - watch a film on TV with a box of popcorn, go for a walk. Try not to talk about big things like "The Future" or gender unless he brings them up and them be kind of neutral bnut reassuring - as if you are sure he will work something out in the end.

At age 17 a year is neither here nor there. It's just immaturity that says "I want to do this life-changing thing right this minute". He has years to sort himself out and become whatever he's going to be.

To understand some of the issues that effeminate gay men have to face (and face down!) as children/teens then try this conversation between two gay men (don't share with your DS, the maker is verygender critical and political and a bit outrageous (!)) but these two recordings are calm and reflective:
Part 1: s 
Part 2: s

At 17 he’s very much still in the middle of having very intense feelings about himself.
My dd was similar at that age, and hated it when I said to keep going and that as she gets older things will feel easier. She’s in her 20s now and will reluctantly admit that I was right.
Keep going. Keep putting him off, maybe check what’s going on online and distract him, take him out of himself as much as you can.

Her child, whatever the gender, needs to treat their mother better.

It's not her fault she can't afford to traipse backwards and forwards to get private prescriptions or her fault that legislation is what is.