Femboy

[Halfblindbunny]

I started a thread in Teenagers but got no response. I'm hoping for help here.

Firstly apologies if I get things wrong I am new to this and I'm not sure on all the lingo etc.

It has come to light through us checking his phone (I know I know but we were concerned about bullying) that DS14 is very heavily into Femboy content on social media, his Snapchat avatar (is that what you call it) is now very feminine and he seems to get lots of questions on social media from school friends about is he gay and is he a femboy that he manages to avoid answering one way or another.

He is very very quiet and has body focused repetitive behaviour which cause damage to his hair/skin.. He could go the whole day without talking to anyone if he didn't have to go to school. He cant answer a simple question such as "what do you want for tea?" without just saying "Don't know". So I feel like if I try to talk to him about this it might make him shut down more or maybe make something he is just experimenting with seem like a big deal iyswim.

I just don't know where to start with any of it.

Is he involved in online gaming? There is a strong push from Chinese games developers to flood the games with very sexualised characters displaying sophisticated “jiggle physics” which cut to core sexual parts of the mind, many of the male characters who are openly admired and adored in the games would come under the banner of ‘femboys’ and the female players in the community forums openly lust after them in quite shocking language at times.

My guess is that either he also lusts after the ‘femboys’ in these games or he wants to be lusted over by the fans by identifying as a ‘femboy’. My daughter’s friend at school has a racy poster on her wall of two male characters, but her parents wouldn’t know that one is a ‘femboy’ and she enjoys this thought of them not knowing it is supposed to be a gay image. It’s a huge subculture.

Is there a bullying issue? Does he know you looked at his phone? At 14 he probably doesn’t really know who he is or how he identifies so I would just keep saying that you are there is he ever wants to talk about anything and leave the door open.

Hi yes there has been a bullying issue, we were concerned that it had started again due to another parent letting us know their child had said something about it.

He knows there is a blanket rule that his phone is downstairs to charge overnight and that we may randomly look at his phone for his safety (a condition of him being allowed a phone) but he doesnt know specifically that we have just looked at it.

I agree at 14 he probably doesn't know what/who he is. I'm just a bit concerned if he gets heavily involved in this it may become his thing amongst his peers and be hard to get out of if he decides this isnt him if that makes sense.

He does spend quite a lot of time on his xbox but I wouldn't say hugely into any gaming subculture but then again maybe he is and I'm just not aware.

The games I’m talking about are free to download on your smartphone and most players use their smartphones.

Is he getting any support/therapy for the behaviours? You say he is quiet - shy or selectively mute?
It sounds like he's struggling with quite a few issues here.
I'm no expert but do wonder how many children who find 'real life' hard for various reasons (and I think this age is particularly hard for some) find real solace in an online persona who can be anything anyone.
I wouldn't worry about the feminine avatar per se, but he does sound vulnerable to undue influence and I think you are right to be a bit more curious about his online activity.

I wouldn’t worry about him making choices that will stay with him due to his peers - in a few years he will have much less contact with them.
My DS had a brief spell of questioning his sexuality, due to the group he was mixing with who were all trans or gay. He soon changed his mind when his old primary school girlfriend came back on the scene! His best friend had about a year of presenting as a girl, wanting to be called by a female name etc but is now back to being he. Adolescence is hard - they are starting to figure out their place in the world.

Do you know the names of any so I can have a look?

That is reassuring thank you. Of course if that is who he is then fine. You are right in a few years he will be mixing with new people. Being a teenager was hard in the 90s bloody impossible now 🙈

Genshin Impact
Honkai Star Rail
Wuthering Waves

The ones I know, but there are probably many others.

I wish I could offer you more advice however I just wanted to reply to ask if he’s neurodivergent? I know people on here say someone always inevitably pops up on every single thread to suggest it as if it’s at the route of everyone’s issues however my DS is same age and has ASD and other conditions and some of what your son’s behaviours are sound similar.

My DS also officially came out to us last year. Unofficially to everyone else though following a period of horrendous bullying in school he now has some lovely all female friends who accept him. He still gets called names in school by boys who suspect he is gay. Your son sounds vulnerable and I recognise that in mine.

My DS is not a gamer but I’m starting to talk to him about porn and highly sexualised images in a more general way the way I would have with his siblings at same age. Are you able to have more general conversations like this so it’s not focused specifically on your DS suspected habits? Not suggesting he is accessing it of course but it’s really tricky trying to find a balance between not allowing the normal developing feelings of sexuality become shameful while protecting them from unbelievably accessible and for some, potentially traumatic imagery they are too young to be exposed to.

My DS also spends time alone which I’ve realised he needs as part of managing his ASD but I’ve had to work really hard daily to establish and keep lines of communication open so that we are in the habit of talking and he therefore feels able to talk more openly about things he was previously keeping hidden. For me that’s meant feigning interest in and being happy to talk about subjects I’m not interested in naturally but matter to him - K Pop being one! K Pop chats however opened up a whole conversation about femboy imagery in other cultures and my DS was the one happy being seen to educate me but it allowed me to gently talk about broader issues around it.

I do realise that you can’t force him to open up - it’s taking me months to get to where we are and it’s still tricky but way more open.

I just thought I would google to provide you with links and when I put “Genshin Impact” and “femboy” into the search bar, this was one of the first hits. It’s a story about a boy who is bullied for being bad at sports and gets grief from his parents for poor grades and starts crossdressing. The suggestion is pretty overt and you don’t need to watch too long.

This was an interesting watch but strangely DS competes at a National level in his sport and on track for 8s and 9s at GCSE. BUT he is very quiet and has his body focused repetitive behaviours that probably make him look a bit odd so I can see a certain similarity.

Remove his Internet access.

He has never had a diagnosis and an educational psychologist came to observe him primary school a few times with regards his body focused repetitive behaviours and never indicated anything like ASD was a possibility.

BUT my DB has ASD and some of how they act is very similar

Seems like a punishment. Why do you recommend this?

So he isn't influenced by things like sissy pornography and other sexualisations.

I agree with removing (or at least strictly monitoring) internet. At 14, were you able to look up pretty much anything and be exposed to such a range of things you might not have even thought of? I remember watching Eurotrash at that age, if I’d been able to browse the internet Willy nilly, I can’t imagine what I’d have ended up reading. I know the Eurotrash reference sounds silly, but I’m trying to make the point that children are looking at things they don’t understand.

I haven't commented on this board for quite a while (normally I'm just on the Feminism Sex and Gender board) but I'm "delurking" to give this comment a boost.

I can see that someone else has mentioned autism too.

The influence of the gaming/anime subculture on boys (and girls) in teenage years is huge and unfortunately, part of it is geared towards pulling vulnerable children in to believing that they are in the wrong body. Adolescent boys who are autistic are particularly prone to the messaging within the content that is designed to create a fascination with themselves as a sexualised female. It preys on their emerging libido and confusion.

Sissy porn is also part of this subculture.

I wouldn't personally remove internet access, as being online is often the only way to socialise for autistic children. It's an absolute minefield of a subject, and the danger to boys is talked about less than the danger to girls. This website was set up recently by a group of parents. It looks really helpful IMO:

https://www.rogdboys.org/

I would also recommend following Joe Burgo and Dr Az Hazeem on Twitter if you have it. Also, the book "Detrans" by Dr Az is excellent as it covers some of the wider topic of autism and gender identity.

⬆️ Apologies, this is the comment I was trying to boost.

Hi thank you for taking the time to post. Yes I was very hesitant to remove Internet access as he would then be totally isolated. I do not believe he has autism and no concerns have been raised about that by school or anyone else. I will have a look at the resources you have posted.

The thing is if we hadn't looked at his phone we would have no idea. He is not acting/dressing etc like a Femboy in any way in 'real life'.

I threw the autism thing in there just in case but I appreciate it could be irrelevant.

Unfortunately being bullied makes children vulnerable to this too, because the "community" is very uplifting and celebratory.

Although it's a difficult conversation, it might be worth finding out from the school where they stand on gender identity belief. Unfortunately many schools have been hiding trans identities from parents because they have conflated being LGB with a belief in gender identity. The new statutory KCSIE guidance that comes in to effect on 1st September removes this conflation and makes it clear that a child declaring a transgender identity could be something of concern. It also references the Cass Report, which was the subject of an important parliamentary discussion on 15th April (summary: both Labour and Tories said they supported it and the NHS is already taking steps to implement the recommendations from the Cass Report).

The reason that it's concerning is that there has been a significant surge in children identifying as the opposite sex during puberty, getting "locked in" to this idea and finding themselves on a pathway which affirms the identity and celebrates cross-sex hormones etc as the answer. Obviously this may not apply to your child but IMO it's worth getting ahead of it, should you find yourself in that position. Once a child is curious about an opposite sex identity (in the case of girls it often starts with non-binary instead of directly to the opposite sex... that follows) it's a very quick immersion in to all of it.

So as a femboy myself I wouldn't ask questions like (are you a femboy ect) id also not bring up the topic or anything about it if he starts growing his hair or asking for clothes like leggings tights oversized hoodies ect cycling shorts and saying like oh it's for the gym ect don't ask if there's another reason just let him be he will eventually come out at some point if not let him be no need for "the talk ect