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This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

What would/did you do if your adult child started hormones?

60 replies

whoawhoawhoa · 15/05/2024 20:59

Would like to hear opinions. My DD (thinks she’s trans) is an adult and goes to uni and therefore I have no control over whether or not she tries to start hormones and I strongly suspect she will. I don’t want her doing this as I believe she’s been brainwashed by the trans trend and I don’t want her to make permanent changes to her body, but she’s an adult and I can’t stop her. Was wondering if anyone else is in a similar position or has been and could tell me what you did or plan to do? She won’t listen to anything I say or try to explain to her. If she does go on hormones should I just let her get on with it and ruin her body because she’s an adult and can do what she wants?

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ElaineSqueaks · 15/05/2024 21:09

You are in a completely impossible position if she won't listen to you.

I feel for you. Flowers

I think I'd just say something like 'I'll always love you no matter what. As you already know, I can't support this but nothing will ever change the way I feel about you'.

I've got two older teens and the stuff that they have diagnosed themselves with since lockdown is mind boggling. Tourettes, ADHD, trans, pan-sexual, that thing where you can't visualise an apple.

HappyHolidays22 · 15/05/2024 21:10

@whoawhoawhoa I really empathise! I’m sorry i have absolutely no experience here but my first thought is can you recommend she goes to some sort of counselling first? If she won’t, I’m not sure what you can actually do aside from avoid isolating your child; make sure you keep the conversation open without seeming to pass judgement. At least that way your child will - hopefully - keep you in the loop with any decisions and you will have an opportunity to (gently) highlight any points for her to consider further.

Nightmare2022 · 15/05/2024 21:30

Sending you hugs. I am in similar boat and can offer no advice. All I have done is express my concern about any changes to body which just prompts the ‘It’s my body and I can do as I like’ rhetoric but at least dc can never say I didn’t warn them.

RIPDotCotton · 16/05/2024 01:51

My DD (19) and I have had a few fraught ‘discussions’ about this and I had to point out that even taking hormones for a short while could severely impact her ability to ever have her own child in the future. For reference she is most definitely gay but says she is trans. I’ve asked her to wait a few years so as to leave herself the most options, and to make sure she won’t do something irreversible. I don’t think she is taking hormones yet as there is no voice change or all over facial hair (I do think she is using topical over the counter hair growth stuff to promote hair growth on her upper lip/legs) but I couldn’t stop her if she was and that is terrifying.
She did announce recently that she wanted to freeze her eggs whilst she was home from college this summer and I had to lol as she has no concept of the complexity of the whole process or the cost ($10-15k as it isn’t covered by insurance!!)
It just shows that she really hasn’t lived life or has a realistic view of what it really means to be an adult (or of the massive hurdles trans people have to go through to have relationships/start families/health issues caused by life long usage of high dose hormones!)
She’s just dazzled by the attention she gets right now from friends and the online community. It breaks my heart and terrifies me at the same time.

ElaineSqueaks · 16/05/2024 07:32

Great post @RIPDotCotton.

MinnieCauldwell · 16/05/2024 08:02

Taking a male hormone will cause bone problems. Maybe gently talk about the horrors of osteoporosis. She will have the bones of an old lady whilst still a young woman. The treatment for it brings its own problem also..

Seapsweetsesamethingy · 16/05/2024 09:33

The more you try and talk, the more resistant and determined my child became. It’s so difficult to know how to navigate this minefield.

The other thing to be aware of, is that any health care professionals, counsellors etc., will just affirm what the person is saying. They don’t challenge them, it’s affirmation all the way.

LovelaceBiggWither · 16/05/2024 09:39

I made sure she was seeing a psychologist who was experienced with trans issues, then she saw a psychiatrist who followed the WPATH guidelines and after that she saw an endo. I went as support to the psychiatrist and to the endo so we could discuss issues. It took some time to get all of this in place but she finally started on hormones and is doing well 4 years later.

My goal was that she felt supported throughout the process and she saw practitioners who were not just rubber stamping the process. I did not agree to supporting her to do informed consent. I also supported her while she explored doing surgery but at this stage she thinks she doesn't want to go ahead with that (which was a huge relief to me)

TicklishLemur · 18/05/2024 15:46

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you are right that there isn’t anything you can do to stop her at the end of the day. I think right now, the most important thing is to try and keep open lines of communication with her. I would also emphasise how much I loved her and that there is nothing that would change that. If she does ultimately go down this path, the last thing you want is for her to do it without being able to turn to her mother if things go wrong or she has a mental health crisis.

I think if you tell her she is wrong and being influenced then you risk just triggering rebellion and even stronger determination. Instead why don’t you see if you could meet up with her and just ask about her life and how university is going?

You could then build up to asking her if she will talk to you about her gender problems. I would try to avoid taking an emotional stance although I understand how hard that is when you feel so distraught. Instead I would try to ask her open questions like:
Can you explain the way that you feel to me, and why you want to make this change?
How long you have felt this way?
What benefits do you think you will get from using hormones?
Have you thought about any alternative things to explore?
What do you know about the use of hormones and the risks?
Have you thought about ways this might impact on your romantic life?
Have you thought about how your fertility will be affected and your future plans in terms of having children?

This might identify some of the harmful ideas she has been exposed to. Again be careful not to attack, but you can gently question any harmful ideas. I would wait until after you have had an open discussion to do that though. Make a mental note and then keep a cordial discussion going, you can get back in touch with her and say something like:
Thank you for sharing your feeling with me, I’m really sad that you have been struggling with this and want you to be happy. There was something you said that I feel less sure about though. E.g. you said that you feel like a man because you like to wear men’s clothes. I know many women who also prefer to wear men’s clothes, and I think you should wear whatever you feel most comfortable in. Have you considered trying some things like this, and seeing if it improves your happiness, rather than going down a medical route?

I would also really recommend having a look at this AMA. It is from a young woman who has lived as a transman since being a teenager. She has some excellent advice for parents of gender questioning children, and ways that you can challenge harmful ideas without triggering defensiveness or closing down communication. I have based a lot of what I have said on that.

I would like to add a warning to you though that she has had a very difficult life including violence and mistreatment, so it may be too much for you to handle right now with your very legitimate fears.

I went to the Tavistock as a young person - AMA | Mumsnet

I attended the Tavistock from 2008 to 2011, beginning when I was about 15. I made this post because I saw the many questions people asked on a previou...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feminism/5060728-i-went-to-the-tavistock-as-a-young-person-ama?page=1

Octagoneaway · 18/05/2024 15:59

I’m in a similar position with a son who thinks he’s a girl and is off to uni in Sept. Lots of sensible advice here, so thanks to other posters. Sounds like you’re one step ahead of me if she’s already left home, but I managed to persuade my son to apply with his real name, but he says he’ll be changing it week one. I’m hoping to kick the can a little further down the road with a chat about political change over the next year or 2 and waiting to see how attitudes change with a new/same govt. I don’t know if it will work, but I’m just praying he’ll start to grow up a bit before he commits.

It is interesting that the previous poster said her older kids have diagnosed themselves with a myriad of issues since lockdown. My son also believes he is: bi, autistic (probably true, but it seems like he’s desperate for labels).

ElaineSqueaks · 18/05/2024 16:30

It is interesting that the previous poster said her older kids have diagnosed themselves with a myriad of issues since lockdown. My son also believes he is: bi, autistic (probably true, but it seems like he’s desperate for labels)

That was me. In lockdown my dd was tic-ing and talking about having Tourettes all of the time. You couldn't go to the doctors so I started googling it and found that it was a big trans and that GOSH had done a study on it and released a paper. In it, they said them best thing to do was to not watch any body online who also had it so I took away DD's phone until she recovered.

About six months ago she came to me and dramatically disclosed that she had ADHD. I don't think she has, I'm a teacher so I felt like I knew a little about it but I didn't say that I just told her that she should go and see the GP (she's seventeen). She also has told me she has anxiety because she feels anxious when she drives and has also talked a lit numerous sexualities.

It's the way she does it that makes me concerned. It's always so dramatic. I feel like she is trying to belong to something.

TicklishLemur · 18/05/2024 16:43

ElaineSqueaks · 18/05/2024 16:30

It is interesting that the previous poster said her older kids have diagnosed themselves with a myriad of issues since lockdown. My son also believes he is: bi, autistic (probably true, but it seems like he’s desperate for labels)

That was me. In lockdown my dd was tic-ing and talking about having Tourettes all of the time. You couldn't go to the doctors so I started googling it and found that it was a big trans and that GOSH had done a study on it and released a paper. In it, they said them best thing to do was to not watch any body online who also had it so I took away DD's phone until she recovered.

About six months ago she came to me and dramatically disclosed that she had ADHD. I don't think she has, I'm a teacher so I felt like I knew a little about it but I didn't say that I just told her that she should go and see the GP (she's seventeen). She also has told me she has anxiety because she feels anxious when she drives and has also talked a lit numerous sexualities.

It's the way she does it that makes me concerned. It's always so dramatic. I feel like she is trying to belong to something.

I just wanted to say I think you are handling that so well. I agree that if you just shut down these kinds of issues then your child will simply be defensive and stop talking to you. Being open and not judging is key, and that doesn’t have to mean unquestioning agreement.

I feel very much for your daughter too. Adolescence is such a hard time and young people desperately want to be included as they explore their identity. Does she have any interests or passions? It could be worth seeing if you can find some clubs or activities she would enjoy, as that might help her to find her people and identity in a positive and healthy way.

I appreciate you didn’t specifically solicit advice so hope my comment isn’t unhelpful for you, it was just something I was thinking.

Although it’s very different, my middle child was born with Down’s syndrome and really struggled as a teenager. She too was exploring her identity, and wanted desperately to fit in. Finding clubs where she could engage in her passions was so helpful for her, and she still takes part today as an adult.

She has always been passionate about gardening and cooking, and there is a wonderful local charity who runs a community farm. She volunteers there for 3 hours every Saturday, and helps to tend to the crops. They have support workers to help her with her additional needs, and also teaching cooking and give her vegetables to take home. She is really proud of that all, and it is a big part of her identity now.

ElaineSqueaks · 18/05/2024 18:15

Thanks. It's all so difficult isn't it! Like walking on eggshells.

She does loads of stuff. She is a sprinter and she trains three times a week and competes all over the place. She does normal stuff, she goes to concerts and sees her friends. She's doing her A levels at a sixth form college. She seems to have a good life. I don't know what it is that makes her almost want to have a MH problem.

0hitsmyturn · 21/05/2024 13:50

Okay so I'm a bit behind you but also very keen to hear any advice. My dd has been non binary for a couple of years but recently had a name change, I'm finding even this hard and haven't managed to use the new name yet! How do we even navigate any of this?? So overwhelmed

RitzyMcFee · 21/05/2024 22:12

I wouldn't force yourself to call her by a different name if you find it difficult. I would try to not use her name in front of other people if it upsets her but I don't see why your upset should be ignored.

My dh changed his name is his twenties and his mother was upset about it. She said she felt strange using a different name so she calls him by the name she gave him. He gets it, it's not confusing. If anyone asks him about it he just says he changed his name.

GrannyRose15 · 30/07/2024 01:05

It’s very difficult when your children become adults. You see the mistakes they are making and are powerless. This applies to all aspects of their lives not only the really serious decisions they make for themselves. I do think you should make your misgivings clear to her. Silence might be misinterpreted as approval.

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/07/2024 02:51

I really wish they would mandate two years of mental healthcare before any hormone etc.

Teenson · 02/08/2024 15:13

Please please please contact Genspect ( especially their podcasts) and Bayswater Group. They both take a neutral stance, are very informative and have parent support groups.
I did join depend, and haven’t taken time to read for a while but it did give me a funny feeling

Seapsweetsesamethingy · 02/08/2024 15:16

My adult son is taking hormones. There’s literally nothing I can do. 💔

MysteryofNils · 02/08/2024 15:17

Dp's dd started taking hormones at university and then saved and paid for breast removal surgery which was a massive shock to Dp and his ex.

In the end, once they are adults you can't do much

It is incredibly hard and her mother (understandably) has found this extremely hard to navigate but as a result she/they don't see their mum much anymore which I think is a big shame.

We have kept contact and she/they now have a lovely girlfriend who we like a lot and she/they seems happy which I guess is all you can ask for

It's far easier for me as I'm not her mother but it was terribly hard for everyone to navigate at the time

MinnieCauldwell · 02/08/2024 15:39

I do wonder if these girls really understand what happens when you get osteoporosis. There is little to no really affective treatment. You can take biophosphates which does not cure it but can have a devaststing affect on any dental treatment you require.

We have all seen the little old ladies bent double over their shopping trollies - thats osteoporosis and girls taking hormones now are going to end up like that but at a much earlier age.

Nightmare2022 · 02/08/2024 17:57

MinnieCauldwell · 02/08/2024 15:39

I do wonder if these girls really understand what happens when you get osteoporosis. There is little to no really affective treatment. You can take biophosphates which does not cure it but can have a devaststing affect on any dental treatment you require.

We have all seen the little old ladies bent double over their shopping trollies - thats osteoporosis and girls taking hormones now are going to end up like that but at a much earlier age.

This is a very valid point. I expect there will be legal cases brought about this further down the line as I’m fairly sure they don’t know the consequences and haven’t been warned. I tried to get GP to support me in discouraging my dc from wearing binder. I was sent a leaflet recommending Mermaids. 😮

MinnieCauldwell · 02/08/2024 18:23

Nightmare2022 · 02/08/2024 17:57

This is a very valid point. I expect there will be legal cases brought about this further down the line as I’m fairly sure they don’t know the consequences and haven’t been warned. I tried to get GP to support me in discouraging my dc from wearing binder. I was sent a leaflet recommending Mermaids. 😮

I just despair, I cannot believe this is happening....

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