Child has said they're trans I'm looking for advice.

[Lindsay86]

Hello! My kid (15) has said they're trans. They've always been effeminate and last year came out as gay. I don't care if they're any kind of LGBT I just want them to be happy. I don't know what I can do to support them. Should I use the name and pronouns they want me to? does anyone have books or other resources on this subject? all advice appreciated!

This post seems very one-sided "wrong sex hormones" we all have estrogen and testosterone medication for trans people just changes the ratios its not like men are allergic to estrogen or women to testosterone.

You compare trans medicine to tattoos or driving I don't think thats a fair comparison.

You say anyone who says MN is transphobic is wrong without question while I don't think its transphobic don't you consider this statement to be one-sided?

You immediately discard anyone who disagree's with you as being out of touch with reality.

I don't think MN is transphobic but I think its pretty evident you are.

To me it follows that a lot of people who socially transition will also medically transition I don't think that means socially transitioning makes someone medically transition.

What does exploratory therapy looks like? What is the goal of it?

(thank you for the resources)

How can a parent of a 15 year old boy start talking about the run up to having his sex organs removed in a couple of years on the basis that he's "effeminate"?

People have lost their minds.

Woah there no one was talking about sex organs its wildly inappropriate to be talking about an internet strangers sex organs, christ. I don't think my kid is trans because they're effeminate I think they're trans because thats what they've told me.

@Lindsay86 you sound like a very supportive and caring parent. We are two years in from DC telling us they are trans. We asked what name and pronouns they wanted us to use and we have always respected them.
They are now seeking hormone therapy and seem committed to this path (& are now at an age where they don't need our permission anyway).
Our relationship has really improved over the last few years due to our 100% acceptance of their chosen path. They are very open and honest with us which is great.
Any wobbles we had, we kept to ourselves and just let them know that whatever they wanted to do was OK with us, but also if they changed their mind then that was OK too.
Really what else can we do as parents? It's a hard path they they will have to walk, so why would we do anything else but love and support them?
Good luck to you and your DC.

Please read up on the Cass Report.

Do your own thorough research into all of this. Read the pro-affirmation websites, by all means, but in addition please listen to interviews with e.g. Abigail Shrier (author of Irreversible Damage) and Helen Joyce (author of Trans) before making any decisions. Their books are very informative as well.

The feminism boards on Mumsnet are robust, but there's a lot of facts and evidence on there. The posters just don't tiptoe around the issues.

It might be worth watching . It's about the current service provision in Ireland (which is mostly delivered through UK providers), but it contains some very powerful testimony from a young gay man who has now detransitioned and has a lot to say about the mistakes that were made in his treatment, and advice about what might have enabled him to find treatment options that would have helped him avoid the catastrophic impact that surgery and hormonal treatment will have on the rest of his life.

Name changed, obviously

Mine was 15 when she told me she was trans. M to F.

I had to make a choice that day, I chose my child.

Whatever you do love your child.

Transitioning is not a neutral activity.

Sex matters and if your child is gay then their sex will matter when it comes to any future romantic and/or sexual relationships they may go on to have.

Blockers and hormones can seriously interfere with your body across many different levels (fertility, bone health, ability to have sexual function/enjoyment).

These things are difficult to think about as a 15 year old so more important for you as parent to think about.

Love them.

Let them wear what they want (clothes have no sex) and love who they want. (Age appropriately of course!)

Push off any medicalisation far into the future and for as long as possible.

Here's where YOU introduced the subject of your 15 year old child sex organs in your 3rd post

Lindsay86 · Today 15:18

From what they've said they know that they can't change biological sex but they can change their secondary sex characteristics to feel more comfortable i'm just looking for how to support them in whatever is right for them right now I don't know what that is.

You also described him as effeminate.

So if he is gay but becomes a trans woman (if such a thing exists) but still fancies men does "she" become heterosexual?

Rather than affirming or rejecting, I'd take plenty of time to explore with your child what has led them to this conclusion, and what being trans means to them, before making any changes, including social.

What do they want out of being trans? Are they looking for acceptance within a group? Do they reject their body, or are they trying to perfect their body? Do they feel pressured by stereotypes for style, behaviour or interests?

You mention they have come out as gay. Are they being subjected to overt or subtle homophobia that's making them want to opt out of being same sex attracted?

You say they want to change their secondary sexual characteristics to feel more comfortable, so presumably they want to take puberty blockers to slow facial hair and body growth, stop genital development and prevent their voice from deepening. And then, take oestrogen to develop breast tissue and change their body shape.

Those are potent drugs, that their body will be fighting every step of the way. Do plenty of research on the wider effects. Even seemingly small changes such as slightly increasing blood pressure, or slightly increasing blood sugar levels, can trigger diseases or conditions that will have ongoing serious implications.

When will they consider their transition a success? When they look, behave and have interests that match their chosen identity? When all of their nearest and dearest accept their new identity? When strangers accept their new identity, by either referring to them using female terminology or not objecting to their presence in sex segregated areas?

If their measure of success and ongoing happiness includes relying on other people, particularly strangers, to act or react in a certain way then I would urge a great deal of caution - as such a goal is likely to be unobtainable for anyone in any endeavour!

Your child has told you that because they is surrounded by the message that that is the solution to all their problems and that's why they feel the way they do.

20 years ago, it wouldn't have crossed your child's mind that they're trans. This is social contagion and there's a very tiny chance that your child genuinely has severe gender dysphoria that will last their lifetime, that they'll never grow out of.

While that's a possibility and not one you should dismiss, I think you always have to go for the most likely option, particularly if the unlikely one may result in irreversible damage. And you need to be strong enough to withstand the real pressure you will come under from activists who need your child to be one thing or the other to vindicate their own beliefs or ideology.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, parenting is hard enough. I hope you get the real life support you need and so does your child. There's a list of resources here. Resources For Parents - Transgender Trend

Re ‘we all have hormones’ : There is increasing evidence that male born people taking estrogen are more likely to develop osteoporosis at a fairly young age.

I don’t have a trans child, so please feel free to ignore this if it’s unhelpful.

You mention that your child is effeminate and that made me wonder whether they had good, strong, effeminate, male role models?

Or whether in their head this was a contributing factor in wondering whether they might be trans?

15 is a great age to start exploring the world and the gay community. Can you think about taking them to pride, introducing them to effeminate comedians, seeing gay films?

Do they have any male/male romance novels? Have you watched “I kissed a boy” (maybe watch this on your own first). Have you been to soho? Do they have gay friends?

It might not be the whole solution here, but worth considering if you’re quite rural and perhaps this isn’t a world they’ve explored much yet….

I'm sure trans women exist i've met a few of them.

I guess they would but I don't care about their sexuality one way or the other so I don't really think it matters.

This is genuine thoughtful advice thank you

Exploratory therapy looks at the patient holistically and tried to explores everything that might be going on with them. Do they have co-morbidities that need addressing before taking more permanent steps or is their sexuality having an impact on how they perceive themselves? It's an alternative to affirmative therapy that simply confirms the patient's self diagnosis which is unfortunately all too common on the NHS. My DC had therapy with one of the Tavistock's whistle blowers who believed the service's support was at best sub-standard and at at worst completely negligent.

Social transition isn't a neutral act because it seals the new identity and makes it more difficult to back out if your DC begins to feel they're not transgender after all. Huge numbers of young people who identify as transgender desist. If it's not the right thing for them, it needs to be possible for them to be able to save face and walk away from it.

My opinion is built on my experiences. An autistic woman who went through this, but at a time where it was accepted that some children/teens went through these things, but that they came through the other side.

Most of the autistic women I know also went through this. Most of the lesbians I know. Most of the people (men and women) who didn’t conform to gender stereotypes went through this to an extent, but nowadays those are far more rigidly adhered to than ever before so children learn that a girl wanting short hair is literally a boy.
People I know who had traumatic experiences as children went through this.
A child/teen identifying as the opposite sex is usually vulnerable and the last thing they need at a time of life known to be volatile is to have someone in their life agreeing they’re obviously in the wrong body.

Interestingly a very similar demographic of teens had high rates of anorexia (an illness with very similar roots as gender dysphoria). Can you imagine the outcry if the standard treatment for these teens was to affirm what they were feeling and to help them lose more weight? That’s the equivalent.
The same children also tended to be the goths of the 90s. No parents or teachers encouraged them to tattoo their lips black, even though a goth 15 yr old would have been 100% certain that he was a goth for life. The adults rolled their eyes and let them get on with it and waited for it to pass.
It is the same, but society has been gaslighted to believe that gender is somehow different. There is zero evidence that gender is any different to any other teen identity crisis or mental health disorder that they need supporting with.

I feel strongly about this because that was me. That was my friends.
I feel strongly because I cannot fathom why grown adults consider affirming gender identity is progressive and good for teens, despite growing evidence to the contrary.

Introducing hormones at high doses - testosterone to women, oestrogen to men - is going against the sexed endocrine system, and causes harm. Sometimes the harm subsides once off them, often it does not.
Suicide rate of trans people peaks a few years after gender reassignment surgery. The rate of regret is anecdotally very high, but numbers are suppressed, because data like that is transphobic. There have been vital studies on detransitioning shut down, as they are deemed transphobic. Drs speaking out about the negative sides of transitioning are silenced as they are transphobic.

Knowing all this, and as a mother, I would be protecting my child from social and medical transition for as long as I could, whilst supporting and loving them. Once at an age where they are able to make their own decisions and understand the potential consequences then they can choose for themselves, and I will know that no regrets can ever come back to me for affirming something so damaging at an age when i should have been protecting them.

I feel strongly because I’ve read so much, talked to people, learnt both sides.

This⬆️ 100%.
My own child is 19 so an adult. All I’m pushing for is time to make sure that nothing irreversible is done before their mid-20s at least. I don’t care about sexuality or what clothes they choose to wear. I want them to always have options in life and never close doors on their choices.
Others call Mumsnet transphobic, but from my experience this board is mostly loving parents who want the best for their child.
Good luck op because this isn’t easy.

I would tell your DC to love the body that they are in. It will be beautiful. People can’t change sex and being an effeminate boy is fine. I can’t even be bothered with this shit any more since hearing about the weirdo that amputates people’s penises. It’s a dark road to travel and full of mental health issues. Being gay in a rural area is hard.

Also why are we listening to these people who tell us it is okay to cut off your breasts or penis? Would we listen to someone who asked to cut off their feet or hands? No we wouldn’t. This has been normalised but it is not normal and it is disgusting that politicians have made this normal.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am a parent of a trans identifying child and I have found Bayswater support group helpful.

FWIW, I never said Gendered Intelligence were a neutral space. One of the massive challenges for parents of trans children (I am one) is that there are few or no neutral spaces, as this thread demonstrates very well. The keyboard warriors of the sex and gender board sicken me with their hateful language and ignorant attitudes.

Here's another opportunity to hear from young people who have experienced gender issues: