Child has said they're trans I'm looking for advice.

[Lindsay86]

Hello! My kid (15) has said they're trans. They've always been effeminate and last year came out as gay. I don't care if they're any kind of LGBT I just want them to be happy. I don't know what I can do to support them. Should I use the name and pronouns they want me to? does anyone have books or other resources on this subject? all advice appreciated!

Just remind him that it’s impossible to change sex.

Look into drugs and surgery, Cass review etc.

Then decide whether you want to whole heartedly affirm, or watch and wait or something in between.

You might find the Bayswater Support Group a help. It's for parents of trans-identifying or gender-questioning children.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Thank you so much!

Transgender Trend
Gender: A Wider Lens
When Kids Say They're Trans - book
Lost in Trans Nation - book

From what they've said they know that they can't change biological sex but they can change their secondary sex characteristics to feel more comfortable i'm just looking for how to support them in whatever is right for them right now I don't know what that is.

Hey OP,

Mumsnet is known to be pretty transphobic so you’re going to get a whole heap of people giving you bad advice/telling you to read books about how it’s just a trend and to neglect your child’s voice.

Maybe see if their school has any support for you during this period - it’s not something I have dealt with but this would be my first call. You sound open and supportive, you’ll be able to navigate this time with no problem x

This!! 👏👏👏

I've reached out to their school but we live in a pretty rural area there aren't many LGBT things near us.

I don't know if its a trend or not and thats why I don't want them to medically transition, at least for a year or two. That being said I don't really care about getting them new clothes stuff like that. I want them to explore who they are before committing to anything permanent.

@Nttttt I don't think mn is transphobic, if you see transphobia then report it.

However on the feminism board especially it centres women's rights and is cautious wrt children, and hormones and surgery for healthy bodies. It also does not like gender stereotyping and errs towards 2 sexes, but be who you want within that.

Your child’s feelings at 15 are very different to how they will be as a fully grown adult.
The brain isn’t fully developed until mid twenties, so if this were my child I would encourage a wait and see approach.
Going all in and irreversibly changing parts of themselves doesn’t give anyone the chance to grow into themselves - which is exactly what puberty and teen years are supposed to be about.

A PP has suggested that MN is transphobic. I would counter that by suggesting total affirmation at an age known to be difficult and full of changes for dc is a bizarre leap, and not conducive to anyone growing up to be a resilient adult. I would go so far as to say that allowing any teen to believe that being gender non conforming is anything other than their personality is child abuse. Gender and the stereotypes involved brings nothing but harm to people. Far better to bypass it completely, express yourself as you wish whilst being rooted in reality.

Absolutely understand why you’d be cautious, but it’s great to hear that you’re supportive and just want a happy
child, you’re a great parent just for being so open.

I don’t know if it’s helpful but I learned this tactic on my birthing course to help decision making when it comes to anything medical.

B-benefits
R-risks
A-alternative
I-information
N-nothing

Maybe discuss with your child the options, the alternatives and also the idea of doing nothing for a while and just sitting with these feelings until there is a bigger decision made.

Personally I’d always be open to using someone’s preferred pronouns, but I understand this could be totally difficult when you’re a parent. Maybe start small and let them know you’ll take this journey with them but in baby steps so you can understand everything and also so they can take time to understand if this feeling is a decision they 100% want to make.

It is pretty bad, especially over on that forum. I really thought it was just a Feminism board when I first got MN and was excited to see it but often times it’s just a transphobic hate forum. I’ve reported a lot to MN which thankfully has been taken down.

I don't want them to medically transition, at least for a year or two

Surely they can't medically transition until they are at least 18 anyway? Please tell me I haven't imagined that!

I totally agree that 100% affirmation, offering a child immediate hormones and life changes would be silly, I don’t believe that’s transphobic at all and would be my first thoughts too. As mentioned to OP I personally feel although I would want to take baby steps with my child to ensure they were 100% and could reverse these small steps whilst also affirming their current emotions. No one needs to rush to anything and that is not transphobic at all.

But there is a lot of transphobia and trolls on Mumsnet.

Depends where you are. Some countries medically transition children earlier than others.

Ideally one should be transitioning until mid twenties. Until that time the decision and understanding consequences part of the brain isn’t fully formed.

*no one

Oh yea. I'd assumed op was in the UK.

Iirc Scotland has different guidelines to England.

As PPs have said, be aware that MN is not a neutral space when it comes to trans issues.

Gendered Intelligence are a great organisation with lots of useful resources.

Also be aware that Gendered Intelligence is VERY MUCH not a neutral space when it comes to trans issues.

Bayswater Support are a great organisation with lots of useful resources.

Try also Stella O'Malley and colleagues' new book 'When Kids Say They're Trans'.

I would use the names/pronouns as requested and say to the child, no big deal identifying as M/F, just carry on your life.

This would be to avoid the issue defining the child. And I would try to interest them in something - academics, sports, drama, whatever. Anything to stop them having masses of time to spend on the internet.

and hope that by not making a big deal, that they’d become happier in their body. A medical transition is only the answer in a tiny percentage of cases. It doesn’t change what’s going on in a person’s head.

Gendered intelligence is hardly a neutral space!

MN has been one of the only places where these issues can be discussed - most other places censor what can be said about allowing young children to have vital stages of development halted in readiness for wrong sex hormones and life altering surgery.

There is nothing transphobic about MN, anyone who says it is is not thinking through the implications of telling children that they are born in the wrong body, and telling them that, if anyone disagrees with them or dares to hold onto reality, they are hated. The whole thing is a huge mess that would go away if everyone thought critically about the fact that vulnerable children are being encouraged to make lifelong choices at a time when they’re too young to drive, vote, drink or get a tattoo.

@Nttttt you say you don't have any experience of this situation. In that case you have no real understanding of how difficult this situation is to navigate. How difficult it can be to prevent your child from destroying their body in pursuit of something they can never be, to watch someone with multiple mental health problems trying to deal with something in their head by changing their body while trying to keep your family together amidst the chaos. Unfortunately I have and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

OP, social transition isn't neutral, it's more likely to lead to medical transition. The following have been my lifeline and have helped me feel I'm not alone: Genspect, Gender Dysphoria Support Network and Parents with Inconvenient Truths about Trans (PITT).

If you want to find an exploratory therapist then GETA (Gender Exploratory Therapists Association) and Thoughtful Therapists are a starting point. I've kept my child away from NHS provision as it's not fit for purpose although hopefully the Cass review might result in better and more holistic treatment in the future.