My eldest is trans apparently - what next?

[AlicatDXB]

My eldest has recently come out to us as trans - and by recently I mean 4 weeks ago. They are university age, never shown any signs at all other than not being especially into typically male hobbies. Never dated but their dating years were through the pandemic so that could be why. Needless to say its gone off like a bombshell.

I am not transphobe and know a few who seem happy in their lot now they have transitioned but I can't help worrying that this is just the solution in vogue right now and that perhaps there is something else going on here. They have a lot of trans friends at university, whether that's what's influencing them or that they sought them out I don't know.

DH is struggling so hard with this and not really helping the situation so I am in the middle trying not to let this blow us apart, and trying to keep things amicable but its not easy and its hurting my youngest child to watch. But I see my child in pain, I don't believe they aren't sincere in thinking this is what they need, I just have doubts whether it truly is this.

There's just been another blowup between them and DH over nothing which then became a full on screaming match with some awful words being thrown about and now my child has stormed off and is demanding we allow them to get HRT over the internet as, of course, proper medical assistance will take months if not years.

Is that even legal? I have concerns over safety obviously. Has anyone else had any experience with this? I have been pushing back on this every day and I am out of arguments.

How do I repair the relationship between father and child? I feel like I'm on a tightrope over a crocodile pit all the damn time. Will it get easier?

Thank you for reading.

This. You can support them to do this as you have no choice. But you don't have to speed up the process. They can do it properly or not at all.

I would really avoid escalating confrontation. I think @Lantyslee 's post is good.

Sending you ((hugs)) and letting you know you’re not alone in this. I’m in a similar position (except it is my daughter who feels she is male and hinted at progressing to hormones/ top surgery (she is 18 and about to go to uni)
Throw in the fact that she only spoke to me (not her Dad as she thinks he may be transphobic) and asked me to talk about it with him. Except that I have family visiting so I told her after they’ve gone (bought myself about a month) and my marriage is self-destructing because I can’t take it anymore (I should have divorced him 10 years ago)
I’m almost certain he will react badly and I’ll be in the middle (whilst trying to divorce him)
All I plan on doing is trying desperately to avoid her going the medical route by not supporting it financially - and accepting that she will probably change her name and pronouns as well (she’s been dressing as a boy for two years)
This board has been a great support to me - I’m here if you need someone who is in the same situation (pm me)

Thanks all - been a tough couple of days. DH isn't transphobe but he has always had this idea of himself as a grandfather and his children having the kind of life that involves children and marriage and I think he's struggling to let that go.

Eldest has an appointment at a private clinic near they're university later this year which I am unsure about. I suspect these places are more about the money than about really investigating what's up but maybe I am wrong. They're also looking into sperm banks ahead of taking hormones - for whatever reason this has absolutely floored me, and for the first time since this whole situation blew up I was the one in tears. Why that detail has got to me so much I don't know, but it really has.

it’s got to you because your child is being sucked I to a cult. Shocking that hHe powers that be sit back and do nothing because it is “too controversial”. That’s the exact words that my Tory MP said when I raised concerns about this a few years back.

Sucked into a cult. I tell you.

I would find that very difficult too. I don't think private clinics would do much in the way of exploratory therapy to understand any underlying causes for the feelings of dysphoria.

I agree but advice / help / support is needed when talking to our young people.
The fact that it is cult-like means that if you take a wrong step, you risk getting cut off, the communication shuts down and they retreat further into the cult.

My colleague has gone down the self-ordered online hormones route. I was concerned that she would end up being ripped off or poisoned, but several months later she is much happier and more feminine looking.

She did plenty of research before hand so do encourage your child to do this. She is also having counselling, and has discussed the process with her GP, but as you’re probably aware it can take years to get treatment on the NHS and people can’t put off living their lives that long. It is advisable to have regular blood tests while taking this medication, and most GPs can arrange this.

Accept your child as they are. Support them, love them. That‘s literally all there is to it.
Coming out is HARD and its scary. They trust you - don’t disappoint them, be there for them.

GC so maybe not the best person on this, but I have children this age. My reaction supportive but not affirming. I love you whatever, I'll call you whatever, but I wouldn't be funding or playing any active part in the process. My belief is that there are very few 'genuine' trans people, most either have MH issues or have been sucked up into this cult.

AIBU for not allowing my 15 yo to bleach their hair bright white? She definitely identifies as ‘alternative’ LGBT+, has short choppy hair and so basically seems to want to look like an animae character.

I don't know, what's wrong with having hair the colour you want? Cartoon white sounds fun tbh.

I would be focusing on the child - not your dh and his outburst.

I would say to the child that you are happy for them to be whoever they want to be and that you would support them in a social transition at this time (ie clothes/name). I would say that you are extremely worried about their body being hurt from hormones/surgery - and perhaps find some work by Debbie Hayton (M-F) where she explains that she is not sure she necessarily would have gone through with the surgery, knowing what she does today.

By trying to stop the trans thing entirely, you alienate the child. But by supporting social/clothing/name etc - and even offering funds for clothing, you support them, but protect their body from harm.

But as other accounts on this thread has shown, the dogmatic ' trusting them' stance would have led young people who do not now believe they are trans, down an irreversible medical route.

Medical transition is a life long commitment. You are giving yourself a life long endochrone imbalance, as well as significant surgery and all the physical and psychological fallout of that. medical transition should be the last resort for those who have gone through the most thorough psychological therapy to be sure that they do have diagnosis of gender dysphoria and that those feelings cannot be managed in any other way. There are, after all, people with persistent GD who choose to manage it without medical transition, but continue to live fully in their sexed body.

'Trusting' people when we know that there can be complex reasons behind someone's feelings of gender incongruence, that these feelings often do not persist, and there is more than one way of managing persisting feelings, is not an evidenced or sensible stance.

@Chewbecca That’s the scary thing but there are lots of issues in life that can be discussed in a way that doesn’t alienate. The trans activists have frightened people into silence and compliance with going along with it all. It’s no different from kids being sucked into county lines etc.

This is a zombie thread from last August. It got bumped by a now banned poster coming on to swear at us.

I would do a sex development check, xy chromosome, hormones etc, before jump onto the boat of transition.